Waiting During Advent

Waiting.

It's almost like a four-letter word in our society. We despise waiting. Whether it's waiting in line at the grocery store or waiting for the internet to behave with a slow connection, these minor inconveniences can really cause angst. 

But what about when waiting is more than an inconvenience? What about when it's painful, confusing, disillusioned, disappointing and discouraging? The effects of waiting can have a far greater impact than simply being a brief, obnoxious slow down in our day. 

Waiting can of course be a good thing. Waiting for the right person to spend our lives with or waiting for the right job or right timing to pursue our interests and desires... waiting can be good and growing, no doubt.

Often though, waiting is just plain HARD. 

I was having a conversation with a friend today and we were chatting about this theme of 'waiting.' It looks different for the both of us, in the different seasons of life we find ourselves currently. But we are both waiting and have both felt the deep sting of hope deferred as Proverbs 13:12 states. I love how the Bible perfectly and succinctly sums it up - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Ain't that the truth?

Our church is in a sermon series this advent season and one of the brief points mentioned on Sunday was the role Joseph played in the life of Jesus - he gets no lines in the play, but he is a key character. The angel appeared to Joseph in a dream in Matthew 1 and tells him what's up. Mary's gonna have a baby (oh yeah, they're engaged, and the baby isn't his -- scandalous) and is pregnant by the Holy Spirit (ok, not so scandalous, but very unusual...) and his name is to be Jesus. Matthew then refers back to the propecy in Isaiah 7:14 "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call him Immanuel." This prophecy was given 740 years before Christ was born. Can you imagine waiting for the Christ-child say 300, 400, 500 years after it was prophesied? I imagine there were some God-fearing individuals who had a few questions for God, namely, "Uh God, did you forget your promise? How long will we have to wait? Can we even trust this promise...? It's been so long..." 

An interesting trait of God is, he's never in a hurry. He's not too late, nor too early. I often times have difficulty fully getting on board with his timing, but he doesn't consult me first. It reminds me of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings. He tells Frodo "A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to." While humorous in the context it was written, how true it is for God. He gets to write a story of redemption across all creation through the millennia -- nope, not in a hurry. 

In fact, if you find yourself in a long period of waiting also, you're in good company. Waiting seems to be the human condition since the dawn of time.

*I do not own these images and give full credit to the image authors.

A few examples - 

Joseph in the book of Genesis, waiting to be let out of prison, having been falsely accused of indecency.

Abram & Sarah also in the book of Genesis, waiting for a child, for 90 and 100 years -- even back then, this was WAY past childbearing years.

Job waiting for an explanation and redemption of all he had lost -- his family, home, livestock and health.

The people of Israel after being freed from the oppressive hand of Pharaoh in Egypt wait 40 years to enter the promised land, wandering and eating manna from heaven.

The woman with the issue of blood, the cripple, the beggar and all the rest in the New Testament waiting for someone to just look their direction with compassion and maybe spare a few cents for their next meal. Their real desire was healing, and Jesus met them there.

All believers are also waiting for the return of Christ.

So, waiting is unavoidable. It's 'in our blood' you could say. It doesn't make the waiting easier to know that thousands of others have experienced similar pain and heartache, but it is comforting to know we're not alone in it. 

In the periods of waiting, I've found some of my deepest and most honest conversations with God. I've been real and raw; I think that honors him. He doesn't want my masquerade -- he desires my authenticity. God in his goodness knows that sometimes waiting is the very thing that draws us back to his throne room of grace, back to his feet. There he meets us and ministers to our heavy and downcast hearts.

So as we look toward Advent, the celebration of the birth of Jesus, we also remember the thousands who waited for him after the prophecy in Isaiah was spoken. 

We realize we are not alone in our waiting, and God can handle our true, raw and honest thoughts. And though his timing almost assuredly looks different than ours, he will not tary.

"Yet a little while and the coming one will come and will not delay..." (Habakkuk 2:3)

On Hearing God's Voice

There have been several times throughout my adult life where God has clearly spoken and I knew it was him, but it made no sense (at least in the moment) what he was doing. And yet, those truths he spoke and brought to pass have been some of the sweetest realities of my life (i.e. Matt and I's entire relationship). 

So here we are once again, this dance of the Lord speaking and asking me to trust and have confidence that I can and do hear him. My kitty, Blaze has been gone for 4 days. We have no idea where he is and we've done everything we can think of to locate him, and I mean everything. I prayed and asked a few friends to pray a few days back. Matt, my friend Jen and myself all got this peace - this sense, that Blaze will be back. He wasn't a late night snack for a coyote or starving in someone's basement... he is safe and he will come home again. Encouraging, right?

Except... fear, doubt, insecurity all breathe down our necks in these moments. I'd rather just stay silent than share with everyone that I am believing and I know Blaze will come home. Fear of man is a big motivator here - I don't want to be thought of as a 'health & wealth' Gospel advocate - I'm not. I also don't want to doubt God's voice. It's a tricky space. To add another layer, what if it doesn't happen?! 

The confusion, disappointment and disillusionment of trying to wade through that is enough to make my head spin. Would that mean I actually don't hear God's voice? Was it just wishful thinking all along that I contributed to God? Is God breaking his promise to me? It's not an easy thing to navigate (I also don't think that threatens God in the least). So, I shove it back, try not to give it much brain space and I move forward. 

It causes me to go back, waaayyy back -to the dawn of time. Wasn't the first trick the devil used to get Eve to doubt what God had said about eating the fruit of the tree? (Genesis 3:1-5)

 "Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that God had made. 

He said to the woman 'Did God really say you shall not eat of any tree in the garden?' 

And the woman said to the serpent 'We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.' 

But the serpent said to the woman 'You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, knowing good and evil..." 

And we know how the story goes - she eats (meanwhile her husband is standing there listening to this interaction, and says/does nothing), Adam eats and they are ashamed and embarrassed and they hide from God. It's an age old story - and one that we can probably all recount in our own lives (the embarrassment, shame and hiding). 

And yet, God does not leave them in their shame. He comes to them, looking for them, longing to continued relationship. What a good Father we serve!

The serpent's first trick was to make Eve doubt what God had said  - and, did you notice that she added an extra clause about what God said? She said 'we shall not eat it, or touch it. God actually didn't say that. Check out Genesis 2:15-17 - God's only command was that they not eat of the fruit of that particular tree. I think once the serpent started confusing Eve, she got mixed up herself, truly thinking they weren't to touch the tree. That's how it goes, isn't it? We can't remember up from down and we get all mixed up once we start doubting God, questioning what he said and trying to analyze every facet of it...

I find a great deal of comfort in the words from John 10:27- Jesus speaking, short and direct here- 

My sheep listen to my voice, I know them and they follow me. 

He goes on in the following verses to talk about how his sheep will not follow another master, because they don't know that master's voice. Of course, us being the 'sheep' and him being the 'master.' Its a pretty clear passage. It doesn't say his sheep might listen to his voice. They do listen to it. 

Practice - it takes practice, just like any skill we acquire, but hearing God's voice is a given for his children. It's not saved for a select 'few.' It's for all his sheep. It looks different for each person (I love that about God - he's creative and unique in his approach to his kids, just like any good parent would be.) But they undoubtedly hear his voice.

God has been challenging me on two specific things this week, in searching for Blaze.

1. Do I believe that I truly can be confident in my ability to hear him speak?  

2. Do I believe that what he says is true? 

The first challenge involves my knowing that I am capable and confident. Doubt doesn't get to drive the ship when we're God's children. It gets a seat (because any true faith has at some point involved doubts) - but it doesn't get to be the driving force in how we live our lives.

The second challenge is more about how I see God. Is he a God that just withholds, says "no" and takes away? Or... is he a loving father who delights in giving good gifts to his children? Is he big enough to speak to me and open my heart to hear and process what he's saying? Is he faithful to what he's promised? 

I think of the many, many promises of God in scripture. 

Abram and Sarah would have a son (at 90+ years old!) They waited 20 years after that promise was made before it happened.  

Israel, after they were freed from the oppressive hand of Pharaoh in Egypt, would enter the promised land. But they'd first wander in the desert for 40 years.

Mary, a virgin, would have a son who would be the Savior of the world.

Ya know, just small stuff. And yet, God came through. Every time, he came through.

God is not one to withhold just to see us squirm. He is not one to enjoy seeing us suffer. He is a father - and not just that, but a good father. He speaks, and his sheep hear his voice. 

So, I don't know where Blaze is. I don't know if he's safe or not. It's painful and hard to be in the middle - having no answers and ALL the questions. I do believe God told me Blaze would come home. Time will tell how it turns out, but regardless of outcome there will be a learning to trust, learning to listen, learning to engage and ask questions when I don't understand. 

Maybe this was a lesson for my spiritual enrichment all along. God is creative and never wastes an opportunity. I am thanking him for that today, and learning to tune my ear to hear his voice, as he graciously guides.

When the World Falls Apart

This week has been a doozy, to put it lightly.

Life seems to go like that sometimes - everything hits at once and it can be disorienting and devastating. And all this while Covid and social distancing continues to rage. 

This past week in my community there has been a miscarriage, unexpected death of a child, and a covid diagnosis. I found out that another in my circle's marriage is ending due to infidelity and there have been multiple shootings, at a school, an airport and a FedEx plant. 

Outside of that, I know an individual that has been in the job hunt for some time now, still looking. Fractured friendships and the daily stress of keeping house, job, chores, rest... It's exhausting.

I've seen a greater level of jaded hearts and spirits during this past year... even those that are close to me or have a solid foundation have struggled with keeping an encouraging outlook. I get it, honestly, it's been a crappy year for many and the reality of covid stress just makes the hardships and tragedies that much more painful.

The political, racial and social unrest in the United States has been off the charts and it can be nauseating to keep up with it all. 

2020 did not go as any of us expected, and 2021 is not looking too much different... Sigh. It's enough to make one sick. Or curl up and hide. Or cry big, deep, cleansing tears... maybe a combination of all three...

What do we do when the world falls apart? 

What do we do when it seems like everywhere we turn there is pain and hurt and devastating loss?

What do we do? 

I wish I could wrap my arms around these situations, pick them up and throw them in the ocean, never to be seen or thought of again. And of course, I can't.

I don't have all the answers (not even close) and honestly, I find myself feeling helpless and questioning what can I do more often than I'd like. 

But I have learned a few things through grief, tragedy, sorrow and pain...

I've learned to adjust expectations of myself and my community. I allow more time to get ready in the morning, knowing my brain needs to process and that may make me move more slowly. I don't put as much pressure on myself to be as productive through the day because I realize that body, soul and spirit are intertwined and rest is needed for all three.

I've learned to reach out to others. These days it may look like a phone or video chat, or it may be in person. Reaching out is the key. I've realized that no one can fix the broken hearts that come as a side effect of tragedy, but it is healing to have a listening ear, a friend or family member to just allow that natural process to happen as they sit with me through it.

I've learned to get outside. I've been in my own house a lot this past year, with primarily working from home this past year. I sit with my own thoughts, by myself all day long and sometimes that can bring discouragement. Getting outside for a walk, even making work phone calls from the back deck or just breathing extra deep as I walk across the street to check the mail have been cleansing for my body physically and emotionally.

I've learned that this world is not my final destination. When I think about what life would look like without the understanding of a perfect and glorious eternity ahead, I can understand the hopelessness that seems to permeate our world. This world is marred by sin, tragedy and pain. Thankfully, in eternity with God, there is wholeness, healing and relationship. What a comforting truth - this is truly not the best it gets for those that trust in Him.

You wanna know something else? 

The one who is dealing with infidelity beamed with gratitude for how helpful her friends have been in making sure her and her kids had a place to live, and furniture in her home. She told me how God has been there for her every step and how this year, even though she's watched Satan wreak havoc all over, she has been closer to God than ever.

The one that had the miscarriage told me that they're resting and recovering.

The ones who lost a child are not alone, and have a rich community of friends and family around them. 

While these truths don't fix the tragedies, they do provide a glimpse into the goodness that still exists in our (broken & sinful) world. I could be here all day sharing about the good work and amazing miracles that have taken place in this past year. 

One of the best depictions of the nuance of emotion I've seen portrayed in the media is through the 2015 animated movie "Inside Out". This gives a refreshing look at the richness that comes when emotions can exist simultaneously... happiness and sadness in the same memory. Anger and disgust at the same thought. It's part of what makes us wholehearted humans, and image bearers of our Father in heaven.

 

I have told you these things that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

                                            - Jesus' words in John 16:33

On Covid-19 and Sheltering In Place

The news is swirling with constant articles, updates and arguments regarding this worldwide pandemic known as Covid-19 (or coronavirus). We can't go a day without hearing something more about it - positive or negative. No doubt, these are unprecedented and wild times we're living in. These times are also full of uncertainty, fear, confusion and grief for many. Loss of jobs, income, security... it's not easy. I've felt some of these fears along with my fellow neighbor.

Along with this, though, I've sensed a great sigh of relief from so many individuals. Somehow, it took a global pandemic to force us to slow down. I can't speak for others, and I fully understand the hardships that many are suffering through at this time - I don't take that lightly. But honestly, this time has been so, so good for me. I didn't realize the moderate level of stress I was carrying around on a daily basis until that burden was lifted.

There was nothing huge that was causing stress - I live a solid and rewarding life. It was just the daily grind - waking up on time, picking out work clothes, fighting traffic, running from meetings to appointments, racing against the clock, planning a wedding, driving back and forth...and doing it all again the next day, and the day after that... It was getting to me and I didn't realize it until just a few weeks ago.

This time has brought a deep calmness to my heart and soul. My commute is great- it's about 10 steps, from my room to the living room. I don't have to fight with traffic, worry about a jam packed calendar, making it to numerous meetings on time, having unforeseen appointments arise... don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job and my life, but the slower pace is so welcome right now. Working from home has proved to be a blessing in disguise.

I'm pulling weeds in the yard, working on painting projects with Matt, taking evening strolls, calling friends, watching lots of 'guilty pleasure' shows, cleaning the house, reading, praying, worshiping. And my heart, mind and life are uncluttered. From my observations, it actually seems like our world is more connected now than ever. We may not be able to meet in person, but it seems like we're checking up on each other more, calling, texting, video chatting... making sure we're looking out for one another, and that is beautiful.

My prayer for this time is that we come away changed. I pray that we embrace a slow and peaceful rhythm as a new way of life. I pray we value family and friends on a deeper level. I pray we learn that being 'busy' is not a sign of worthiness. I pray we pursue the simple, important things.

I'm a firm believer that God loves surprising us, his people, with showing up in ways and times that are least expected. I've seen it time and time again in my own life. It brings great comfort to know that He is 'God with us' and he is making all things new.

This time is not a time of refreshment or peace for so many. If you are in need of prayer, help or a listening ear, please don't hesitate to reach out. We're in this together. You matter. One day at a time.

The Art of Humility

Last night I watched a Dr. Phil episode that involved a married couple, of which the husband was open about having an affair - a girlfriend on the side as well as many one night stands. He had been married to his wife for 23 years.

Today I read about a famous family - the biological dad has been in and out of prison on drug, alcohol and other such charges. This caused the mother, who now has her own family including two additional children with her current husband, to file a restraining order against biological dad because of his erratic and threatening behavior.

Before you judge me for ingesting trash, let me share what I noticed about these instances.

Both had something in common.

The perpetrator blamed the 'other'. The married man blamed his wife. If she had been more loving and had met his needs maybe he wouldn't have had an affair. And the guy with the restraining order blamed the biological mom for the reason that his relationship with his 10 year old son was strained.

What the actual hell?!

I reeled in disbelief. Is this really what our society has come to? An inability to take an honest look inward and admit fault and sin when it is clearly present? It seems we're more interested, as a society in saving face and covering for ourselves that we recklessly wound everyone around in an effort to not have to admit fault. It saddens and sickens me.

I'm preaching to the choir. If we're honest, we all do it. No one likes to admit wrongdoing. But it is imperative if we are going to live healthy lives and raise healthy children. Because not admitting fault leads to entitlement and entitlement creates the Brock Turner's of the world.

You know what's attractive and admirable, more than 'being right' and 'saving face'? Honesty. Integrity. Admitting fault. Humility. Gentleness.

This world doesn't give participation medals just for being present. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter if you are married to Cruella Devil - that never excuses infidelity. And blaming your baby mom for a strained relationship with your child when you've been reckless, irresponsible and a terrible example... It doesn't fly.

I'm not a mom yet, but I've spent a lot of time with kids. They are a treasure - each of them, but the moments I was most proud of my preschoolers was when they went out of their way to think of someone else. When they were kind and when they said sorry for hurting someone. I am convinced that if we can teach our children character and values above materialism and popularity, it will absolutely change the world.

So my plea to you, to the world and to myself is - don't be afraid of saying sorry when you mess up. It's a human reality. We all mess up. And humility looks good on you.

(By the way, for those that are Jesus followers - the ground at the cross is level. We are all equal at the foot of the cross. I also find it humorous and appropriate that the apostle Paul doesn't mince words when speaking to the church at Galatia about this subject):

On the New Year

As I reflect on a new year, looking back to the one just complete and forward to the brand new ahead, I am grateful and my heart is filled with peace. I have no huge, lofty resolutions or aspirations for 2019 - I do have things I'd like to do and accomplish, but they're more of general lifestyle shifts and adjustments. They're not so easily measured - they're mental shifts I guess you could say. I find that for me, adjustments and focus on new things are more attainable than a specific, lofty goal for the year (like going to the gym 5x a week or traveling to 3 new states).

Last year in March, as I was about to enter my 27th year, I felt specifically like the Lord said my 27th year would be one of peace, intimacy and joy. I'll spare you all the details, but let's just say six months in I looked back with confusion, defeat and doubt, questioning how the words the Lord had spoken could be true. It certainly didn't feel peaceful or joyful. I had/have plenty of wonderful things that I am grateful for - a job I love, friends and family that are supportive, a great church and a boyfriend that is steadfast and loving. It just seemed I was having a hard time experiencing the joy that I expected from all of this. I think I fell into a sort of depression for a while and I was tired. 

Now, 3/4 of my way through my 27th year I am beginning to see glimmers and sparks of that wonderful peace and joy that was promised back in March. 2018 and my 27th year did not look as I anticipated (does it ever?!) and yet I learned the value of waiting patiently, believing that the Lord speaks truth and pressing in to him when everything seems confusing. I've also learned to let go of a lot of expectations that do not serve me or those around me.

I guess going into 2019 I hope to love the Lord a little more fully, serve others a little more faithfully, take care of myself more regularly and simply learn to enjoy the present. The sticklers out there would say these are not 'good' goals because good goals must be attainable and measurable. These are more general principles or ideas. But honestly, I don't care, because for me, while the new year does bring new opportunities, so does each new day.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end

they are new every morning

great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

An interesting note on the book of Lamentations - it is named that because it is just that, a book of lament. After a difficult and challenging season and much destruction and desolation (of the city and temple) Jeremiah pens this book. It is essentially a book of grieving, and yet, he stops long enough to remember God's faithfulness and praise him in the midst of the grief and sorrow of his people. 

I am learning that there is always reason to praise. 

I am also learning that I don't need to wait until the 'new year' to make important changes. His mercies are new every morning. 

I am thankful that each day is a new chance to grow and praise and serve the Lord and others more fervently. 

2019, I'm ready for you and look forward to you with grateful anticipation. 

The Art of Self Care

It's been a busy, full and emotional few weeks for yours truly. Work has been full-- it's just the Spring season as we're prepping for some large events. And things in my personal life have been a bit taxing as well. Sometimes it feels like when it rains, it pours. I say that not from a place of bitterness, but just as an observed fact.

As someone who has struggled with general anxiety and a propensity to 'over-commit' for most of my life, I've learned to develop some self-care habits. This looks a little different for each person, but I've noticed there are a few common threads that a large majority of society can relate to, as far as things that bring refreshment and peace to a weary heart. I wanted to share some of my insights with you today, in hopes that, as a society we can truly become peaceful, joyful and refreshed individuals who aren't frantically running a million miles an hour, burning ourselves (and probably those around us) out.

'Rest' is a difficult concept for many. We're a society of 'doers' and we've been taught that our productivity is of utmost importance, because, quite frankly, that is where many gain their identity. For those that consider themselves Christians, rest, sabbath rest is in the Bible. God rested after creating the world and mankind. He didn't need to rest-- He is GOD, after all. He rested as an example to follow. Sabbath rest teaches us that the world continues to spin even when we're not doing anything-- God doesn't need our help. That should bring comfort.

"Self- care" is one of those phrases that seems to have made it's way into our lingo in the last decade or so, but I'm sure glad it did. These 'self care' tactics are ones I've found most helpful in my life:

Put down the phone (or ipad, laptop etc.)
I know, I cringe at this one too. We're a tech society and we have become dependent on our devices. Right now, I'm typing on my laptop, and my phone is to the left of me. Life feels a little more vulnerable, and I feel a little less control when I don't have my phone. But research has shown the negative effects of extended amounts of screen time... Put it down. You'll feel more centered, level-headed and more in touch with the world around you (ironic huh... feeling more in touch when we put our devices down...)

Get outdoors
Maybe that means camping, hiking or boating. Or maybe it's just something simple like taking a walk around the block or reading in the sunshine. I cannot tell you the number of times I've been worn out from battles I was fighting in my mind and I stepped outdoors, and for a few brief moments, my anxieties melted away and I was refreshed. Maybe it's the smell of the outdoor air, or the vitamin D, or just the fact that we were created to spend a whole lot more time outdoors than we do... but there is something that changes in our bodies and minds when we spend just a few minutes embracing creation in all of it's glory.

Practice saying 'no'
I am admittedly bad at this, but I have improved drastically over the past few years. This goes back to the concept of Sabbath rest. The world will not implode if we stop producing for a while. Seriously, try it. We are a worn out society because we feel unable, or unwilling to say 'no' to anything, for fear that we might miss out, that we'll let someone down, or that we'll be viewed as boring. I've said 'no' a few times in my life, and ya know, I was always glad I set aside time to just 'rest' and 'be.' I wasn't focused on 'doing' or 'producing', I was focused on being present, and it brought deep refreshment to my soul.

Find your rhythm
Let me unpack this a bit... each person has a different capacity and different needs. Some people have a large capacity and need to stay busier (notice I didn't say busy...) than others. Some have a smaller capacity and need significant 'down time' to be healthy. I am kind of middle of the road. I've realized that on the weekends, I need a plan. If I go into the weekend with nothing on the agenda I find myself bored, anxious and moody. On the other end, if I go in with a 'filled to the brim, busy-every-second weekend' I find myself anxious, moody, resentful and weary. Neither is good. I have found that my sweet spot is having one or two medium sized commitments each weekend. Maybe that looks like tackling a house project on Saturday and going to church and small group on Sunday. It varies, but the concept works. Find your rhythm.

Practice mindfulness
I get that this sounds very modern and 'new age-y', but there is something that happens biologically and mentally when we stop to focus on our breathing for a while. When we focus on taking deep breaths in and out and learn to simply focus on our current circumstances-- the chair beneath us, the air on our skin, the breath going in and out of our lungs. One resource I've found particularly helpful is headspace-- it's just a mindfulness app that leads you through 10 minute sessions of practicing 'being'. I've always come away calmer afterward. They can be found here: https://www.headspace.com/

Find your tribe
These are your people. The ones that know all about you and love you anyway. Some folks are more prone to 'verbally processing' than others, but regardless, having a few people in your inner circle wards off loneliness, shame and fear that often rears it's head in the silence and isolation of our own minds and hearts. These people support and speak truth when you need it. They are safe people.

Pray
I get that this sounds very 'Christian-y' and might not appeal to all. That's fine. But I've found in my own life that praying-- being completely honest with God about where I'm at, my fears, anxieties, joys, victories, hardships and everything in between has brought deep peace, even to situations that didn't have resolve. It brings perspective that we often lack on our own. Not to mention there are a ton of verses in the Bible that talk about praying and the power it possesses, but that is another post for another time. :)

There are dozens more ways to practice self-care, but these are some of the ones I've found most effective in my life.

What self care practices have you found most helpful?