Do you ever have a nagging thought, or novel of thoughts that just continues to travel with you each day, until you finally get those thoughts out? I do, often. And this is one of those times. For whatever reason I have been thinking about acceptance and the longing in human hearts to be accepted and loved. What great lengths a person will go to in order to be loved. The desire to be accepted has caused friendships to wither, tension in the home, physical harm, and hours upon hours of internal turmoil amongst many. It is deeply rooted in each human, and it comes to expression in different ways.

I think of my desire to be accepted, and how much of a role that plays in my life everyday. It plays much too large of a role, often times. Some mornings I spend a ridiculous amount of time in front of my closet, trying to decide what to wear, or more time getting ready than is really logical. Its kind of narcissistic when I think about it... I don't like thinking about it too much, because it makes me feel selfish. Nevertheless, it is reality. And I wonder, why is this desire within us so strong? And why will some go to nearly any length to be accepted? Today's youth have been fed lie after lie about what creates value. And it is believed. Somewhere along the way, probably not long after the creation of the world, people started looking for things that would make them feel valuable. Notice I said feel. 

Is one valuable because of what the tag on their clothes reads, or because of how many creams they cover their face with? Or because of how many friends they have, or who those friends are? Many would say yes. Maybe not vocally, but through their actions, they would show that they believe that. Some days I look in the mirror several times within a half hour. I change my outfit, because something about it was just 'not quite right.' It is utter ridiculousness, and yet, it is not abnormal. I admire those who can walk into a crowded space, and feel completely comfortable in their own skin. They light up the room because of their love and confidence, not because of their clothes, face, or friends.

I hope somehow we can become confident in who we are, not because of what we have done, but because of what the Creator says. Why does the world have more say in our value than the one who created value?

I remember

One of the best weeks of my life, full of vibrant growth, great food, and beautiful people happened in March of 2009. It was in Belize. I loved it.

 Its amazing what God can do in a week. I loved everything about it. Not just the fact that it is beautiful, but also the fact that the people were so alive, and so accepting. I grew so much, and my heart was touched. I would love to go back someday. Until then, I remember.

Treasures

Why is it, that whenever I need to write, or read, or do anything remotely academic, my cat decides to be affectionate?? And she is NOT an affectionate cat. Oh the irony...

This week is my second back and school, and I am feeling positive about school. I like my classes and schedule. I really can't complain. But I have been noticing a restlessness in me. Recently I have just needed and wanted an adventure. It's like, I've been in the same place, doing the same things for so long, that I just want something new. I have always had a restless spirit. I love adventure, and dislike complacency. I love to travel, and see new places, meet new people, and experience new things. Maybe that is why I am looking forward to being done with this phase, tying up the loose ends, and moving to the next phase.

I notice myself thinking about my upcoming plans and goals, often. I have always been a planner, but sometimes I fear that it is to the expense of the present. Like maybe if I keep thinking about everything that is to come, I am going to miss what is. Wouldn't that be a tragedy? It would be. I need to learn to quiet my heart, and rest in the present, knowing that my future will be here someday.

I struggle with knowing how to be content in the present. I tend to look back, or look forward. Maybe it's human nature, I don't know, but regardless, I know that it is so important to learn the art of contentment. I think its a lifelong process. For some, it comes easy. For others, it is difficult. I think part of the problem is that I am a thinker... I just need to stop thinking. That will solve all of my problems. Awesome, glad I figured that one out.

I am convinced that there is something to be treasured in each day. And I hope to be able to find those treasures.

Boy, this is an incredible time of year. People seem just a little nicer, just a little more patient and just a little kinder. It is nice to be a recipient of that, even if it is only a facade.

I do love Christmas time. There is a sort of wonder in the air. I love the songs, the smell of pine needles and cinnamon, and mostly, I love gifts. But not just the kind of gifts that you wrap up with a nice bow and place under the tree, but moreover, I love the gift of the Savior, born in Bethlehem all those years ago. For that, my life is eternally changed.

This Christmas break has been so busy, and yet so rewarding. I have had the chance to spend time with so many that I don't get to see often enough, and I have been able to relax, and to try to pick out just the right gift that I think will peak someone's fancy. Needless to say, I have loved my break. And I really feel that it is more than just the fact that it is Christmas time. I really think God is doing a work. Now THAT is exciting stuff!

I sit here, going about my daily activities, and God is all the while faithfully working. Sometimes the process seems so painfully slow that I don't notice at all, other times, I do notice, and during those times, the excitement kicks in. I love having the joy of knowing that, as Max Lucado would say, 'Jesus loves me just the way I am, but he refuses to leave me like that, he desires that I become just like Jesus.' 

Something refreshing and important that God has been showing me is that my relationship with Him does not consist solely of reading the Bible, singing praises and praying. These are all important and essential components of our faith, but they are not the only components. Each activity, word, deed, attitude and action is a form of worship, or something that detracts from out relationship with God. If we are continually mindful of Him throughout our day, not just when we sit down to spend time with Him, our day is lived so much more for His glory.

May we be mindful of Him during this Christmas season, and may you grow in your knowledge of Him.

Here and Now

It's so easy to write, and pour out my heart when I am discouraged. But sometimes I miss the opportunity when things are good. So I thought I would remember the good times in writing as well. Today is a good day. Actually, this whole week has been pretty good. I have been able to connect with some friends that I don't talk to a lot, and I have not felt overly stressed, which is always a plus!

And I have been thinking about something that my health teacher talked about in class today. She said that if we focus on this very moment, not on the previous moment, or the next moment, but this moment in time, we have very little stress or anxiety. This is true. Right now is all that is guaranteed. And this is our life. NOW. And our life is not in the past or in the future. What a novel thought. It's not a new one, but an often ignored one. You know the saying, 'right now is a gift, that's why it's called the present!' Well as cheezy as it sounds, it's the truth! That thought is a huge relief.

So today and this week, I chose to remember to live in the here and now, and to breathe. Enjoy the present!

Thankfulness

This is cliche, but in a good way. November is the season of thankfulness, and I thought I would jump on the bandwagon and share some things I am thankful for. There are many things that I have to be grateful for, and I've been more aware of my blessings recently.

Here are some of the biggest blessings in my life:

The ability and funds to get an education.
Love and support from my parents and sister.
Laughter.
My cat.
My sister who always makes time for me.
Salvation.
Lots of fun, encouraging friends.
The ability to read.
Good movies.
Hot Chocolate.
CHOCOLATE in general.
Sunshine.
Fall Leaves.
Snow.
Warm blankets.
Flowers.
God.
Traveling.

I could go on and on. But these are some of the things I am most grateful for this 'holiday' season.

** I do not like the term Holiday. Someone referred to Thanksgiving as 'the holiday' today. I was like... 'you mean thanksgiving??' (I didn't really say that.) Since when are Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years called, 'the holidays??' I refer to them as 'the holidays' sometimes, when referring to all of them. But I like to use their names :)

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!!

Sometimes

My head hurts, and I am contemplating many things. Sometimes life just does not make sense. Sometimes its just hard, and I don't know why. Sometimes I wish, by the waving of a magic wand, or the snapping of my fingers I could change my own, or another's suffering. Sometimes I wish I could be more confident in my own abilities instead of slipping so often. Sometimes, I just wish that I could tell the future, and see what it is that this crazy thing called 'life' holds. Sometimes.

There are so many emotions running through me right now. It is odd that someone can feel a plethora of emotions at any one time. And yet, it happens to me, often. There is frustration, thankfulness, confusion and probably a hundred other emotions that I feel.

Sometimes I cry out to God and ask why I am suffering the way I am. Why my life has to be so hard and inconvenient in the moment. Sometimes I just want God to answer me, and explain everything that is going on. And yet, often there is not an explanation. I so often act as though I am entitled to one.

Sometimes these moments come because of my own doing, sometimes they come simply because this world is not a perfect place. And hurt and frustration comes in all forms. Some problems are bigger than others, and some need more attention than others. Sometimes the thing that is bothering me is only a problem because it is an inconvenience to my life.

Sometimes my heart breaks for others. I so wish it were in my power to take away any suffering that they face. I want to cry with them, and tell them it will be okay, and offer just the perfect words, that will somehow magically make their pain dissolve. It is excruciating to see other people suffer, as well as to be powerless to change their situation.

I notice that in situations like that I jump in with words, with advice, when often a listening ear is simply what is needed. I don't need to try to be superwoman, and fix the worlds problems. Often, a caring heart, and listening ear speaks louder than me actually saying anything. I know because, when I am hurting, I do not want people to tell me what they think the source of my suffering is. I don't want them to try and make things better by offering some empty words. And I do not want them to act as though they need to solve my problems. I simply want someone to sit down, hold my hand and listen. I want them to cry with me, and be sympathetic to my situation.

Sometimes things do not go according to plan. Sometimes I feel like giving up on school. Sometimes the load that I am carrying seems like too much, and the weight of a single flippant comment could be enough to bring me down. And yet, somehow, each time that I think 'this is the day that I am going to fall beneath all of this weight' I get up, I go to school, I go to work, and I make it through the day, still standing. Sometimes I am stronger than I realize, through His power.

The following lyrics and quotes sum up much of what I am trying to say in this post. They touched me, and I hope they offer encouragement to others:

“I hear religious minded people say all the time with good intentions. ‘God will never place a burden on you so heavy that  you cannot possibly carry it.’
Really?
My experience is that God will place a burden on you so heavy that you cannot possibly carry it alone. He will break your back and your will. He will buckle your legs until you fall flat beneath the crushing weight of your load. All the while He will walk beside you waiting for you to come to the point where you must depend on Him.
‘My power is made perfect in your weakness,’ He says, as we strain under our burden.
Whatever the burden, it might indeed get worse, but know this-God is faithful. And while we change and get old, He does not. When we get weaker, He remains strong. And in our weakness and humility, He offers us true, lasting, transforming, and undeserved grace.”

-Greg Lucas

"You can spend your whole life buildin'

Something from nothin

One storm can come and blow it all away

Build it anyway

You can chase a dream

That seems so out of reach

And you know it might not ever come your way

Dream it anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good

And when I pray

It doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

I do it anyway

This worlds gone crazy

And it's hard to believe

That tomorrow will be better than today

Believe it anyway

You can love someone with all YOUR heart

For all the right reasons

And in a moment they can choose to walk away

love em anyway

God is great but sometimes life aint good

And when I pray

It doesn't always turn out like I think it should

But I do it anyway

Yeah I do it anyway, yeah,

You can pour your soul out singin'

A song you believe in

That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang

Sing it anyway

Yeah sing it anyway, yeah, yeah

I sing

I dream

I love anyway, yeah."

 -Do it Anyway (Martina McBride)

Another thing that I remembered recently were some words that I heard Alyssa Barlow, from the Band 'BarlowGirl' say. She was talking about the song, 'This is not Forever.' Here are her words:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrarTIsT24s&feature=related

Please watch the whole thing. It is very worth it. These are the words that stuck out to me 'Alyssa, I'm not going to take you out of this situation, I'm going to take you through it.'

Those are words that I need to hear, often.