Not Afraid of Messy

Today that comparison monster came back and he was kicking.

Today that comparison monster told me that I wasn't as hip or as funny or as clever or cool as they were.

And when I came back to my room I sat, with my bowl of chocolate frosted mini wheats, and I put my feet up on the chair and I asked God what this was all about. And in a moment He crushed that comparison monster. In a moment He told me that the reason that I thought that I wasn't as 'cool' or as 'clever' as someone else was because I was afraid of being messy. In my head, they were never 'messy.'

They never had days that they were insecure.
They never had moments of panic.
They never had moments where they snapped at others.
In my head, they were, essentially perfect.

And God reminded me that that isn't true. We are in the same boat.
We are on this journey of Sanctification together. And it is a beautiful journey, but its often messy.
And messy is okay. Messy doesn't have to be scary. Sometimes messy is indicator that God is doing some of His greatest work.

But I was afraid of messy.

I was afraid of not having all my 'ducks in a row.'
I was afraid of showing that sometimes I just don't have it together. Often times.

And He reminded me that that is okay. Because He does have it together. And that is what matters.

So today I learned that its okay to be messy. God isn't afraid of messy. And in fact, I am convinced that He loves messy, because through that His power is shown and His strength is given.

Today I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:10. When I am weak, I am strong. Because He is strong. And that is enough.

I am not afraid of messy.

Montana Life

I am halfway done with Bible school. Its an interesting feeling. I feel in many ways like I just got here yesterday, and in many other ways, I feel like I've been here for an eternity. But in all ways I know that I am blessed to be here.

Its a funny place in a way. We are studying so much, so constantly, and sometimes its just a whirlwind, from one book to the next. I often feel like I'm on a roller coaster and its a little crazy sometimes, and yet its the best kind of roller coaster to be on. I've found myself changing so much as I've been here. I guess studying the word of God will do that to ya ;).

God has been stripping away things that cause me to not trust in Him. Things that I sometimes hold onto too tightly. Its never an easy process, but it is necessary. Over the last year or so God has really been speaking identity into me, and reminding me that my identity comes from Him alone. That has always been a tough concept for me to grasp, as I would hold so tightly to people to fill me. God has even been stripping some people away in order to show me that I need to hold onto Him tightly, and in that, I will have what I need. I am filled in Him alone. As I go through this journey I'm finding that I really am filled in Him and satisfied in His presence. This is not something that I have always been able to say.

Its hard to describe all that He's been doing-- I've had some new experiences and I've had to ask some tough questions along the way, and yet there is this peace that is undeniable-- a knowing that He is so present with me and He is guiding me through all the ups and downs of this crazy, awesome, challenging journey. I couldn't be more grateful that He is so faithful to remind me that He goes before me and walks with me as I discover more of who He is.

One of the most beautiful things that He has been doing has been occurring just within the last week or so. There have been some uncertainties about the future and some different questions that I've had, and I am just experiencing such a peace as I seek God out on these things. Its an uncanny peace and its one that doesn't make sense. I mean, these aren't cake walk things-they're weighty, and yet there is a peace that is a foundation for everything that I am processing through.

I love how He works. We just got done studying Deuteronomy, which is all about God's faithfulness to His people as they wandered for forty years in the wilderness. They never went without-- they had food and water in the desert. Their clothes and sandals didn't wear out. And throughout the whole thing God was just continually reminding me that He is the same God today-- the God that cares for His children and that knows our needs. Even the smallest details and the whispered prayers. He provides. I love that about Him.

I guess this last five months hasn't been what I expected, but its been so much better. It always blows my mind how much greater His plans are than my own. I also didn't expect to be here, doing this school, ever. But that is another story. He works in mighty ways and His hand is guiding me. Grateful for His constant presence and His faithfulness. I am incredibly blessed.

CS Lewis

Abide

This week we studied John. It is a phenomenal book, and it was so eye-opening. It was also a challenging week. I had more on my plate than usual, I felt close to tears several times and I was sleep deprived. Even so, God spoke some really great things to me. I feel as though I have so much rattling around in my head that it is hard to put it all into words, so this is my best attempt.

John talks a lot about 'abiding.' John 15 specifically points to that:

"I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit...Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love." (15:5,9-10)

Over the past several months God has been highlighting to me what it means to 'abide' in Him. Dictionary definitions say 'abide' is to-- stay, stand, dwell or reside. Hmm. Nifty. Yeah, abiding is a dwelling in God, and He in us. And when God dwells within His children, things change, those people's lives change, and His spirit guides our lives. 

Perhaps to 'abide' in God's love means to be so constantly aware of it, that we understand what He says about us, and walk in confidence because of that. Perhaps it aids us in loving others-- I think that abiding in God's love will mean also loving others. Because if we're abiding in His love, and therefore, obeying Him, we will do as He says. 

The word 'abide' has the connotation that its a staying and a steadiness. It means a constant indwelling. That idea is incredible. To live lives abiding in God's love-- what more could we ask for?! And the fact that God would even care and love us enough for us to abide in that love is mind blowing. 

It means that in the hard times, we can rest assured that His love hasn't left us. In the smooth times, we need Him just as much. In the rough times, He is faithful, and that will not change. As we abide in Him we learn His character and truth. As we abide in Him, He teaches and molds us. As we stay and dwell in His presence, He fills us. 

I love that about Him. How good He is to His children.

The Best of 2012

Cliche-- this post is going to be COMPLETELY and in every way, cliche. So if that bothers you, you may as well turn back now. But mostly I am writing to compile a list of things that impacted me, made me laugh, brought (I almost wrote 'brang') me joy, and that were just cool from 2012. The inspiration came from  http://www.todaysletters.com/, a great blog that I follow-- if you feel like reading the whole list, feel free, if not, I won't be offended... so, here goes--

Best Moments:
-Ministering in Malaysia to homeless and people who are so often overlooked by society
-Being reunited with my sister after 13 months of being separated
-Meeting some of the most genuine people on the planet
-Being loved for who I am and who I am not
-Attending THREE weddings within five months (They were all beautiful!)
-Moving back to Montana to study the Bible 50+ hours a week
-Learning to be completely genuine and honest, even when its hard
-Passion growing
-Henna
-Learning to crochet and make my first headband and hat!
-Drawing again
-Drinking egg nog (Like seriously... egg nog is awesomme ;)

Best Movies:
-Blue Like Jazz (LOVED!!)
-Les Miserables
     (Now I can't think of a single movie I saw this year... what the heck, brain?!)
-The Odd Life of Timothy Green
-The Vow (So good!)
-We Bought a Zoo

Best Books:
-The Ragamuffin Gospel
-Forgotten God (By Francis Chan)
-Choosing to See (Mary Beth Chapman)

**Yes, I read a lot of biographies and Christian literature, its just what I like... :)

Best things I learned:
-Learning how to hear God's voice
-I am loved and worthy because I am Christ's and apart from what anyone says or thinks
-God WANTS to use me!!
-I still hate coffee, tea, however, is fabulous, especially the tangy and fruity kinds!
-People actually really do like me
-Sunburns (Really bad ones) turned tans last a LOOOONNGG time (Like over a year...)
-Reunions are the best
-Sunscreen should be used when out in the sun for long hours of the day (Yep... seems like a no brainer, but apparently that is hard to learn for me...)
-The Bible is awesome and reading it in context makes such a difference
-God is so faithful to work and to love and to show himself
-Time alone is precious and awesome
-Time with people is also precious and awesome... its all about balance :)
-Sunshine and snow are BOTH beautiful
-I still don't like rain that much. But I refuse to use an umbrella
-Ugly sweaters are fun to wear
-Sometimes God calls us to do things we never thought we'd do.... like go back to Montana for SBS :)
-People almost always respond with more grace than I foresee them responding with
-Jesus loves diversity
-My bed needs to be made in order for me to feel fully ready for my day and 'put together' ;)
-Doll houses are still fun
-Watching people grow and change is such a joy
-People don't think about me as much as I think about myself, so its a huge waste of time to wonder what they're thinking. It doesn't really matter anyway-- I serve an audience of One.
-Bible jokes and puns are ridiculous, and yet they make me laugh uncontrollably everytime
-There is beauty all around and LIFE is beautiful.

A few pictures from this year that were significant--
Also, if you've made it this far in the blog, I congratulate you. Go have a brownie.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I Can Never Think of Creative Titles...

 Prelude: (Yep, I'm awesome and do 'preludes' to my blog posts...) Vulnerability is hard, and that is why I feel like I'm being challenged to do just that-- be vulnerable. So, here goes...

I don't do change well. Often times when I move locations or something shifts in my life, I end up grumpy and unpleasant to be around. I am a creature of habit and I love routine. And when I move, all of that gets shaken and I feel like I have to try to find my bearings once again amidst the craziness.

I think somewhere inside of me is this idea that I will next time somehow handle the tense situation just perfectly. And then when I snap or when I end up being a lot less gracious than I had hoped, I always get disappointed. But I am so glad that I am beginning to understand the truth of sanctification. Its not a destination, its a journey. And I'm grateful that others are on the journey as well. Nope, I'll never be that perfectly gracious, patient person that I paint in my head, but I know that I am growing to be more like Him as I follow Him. As He picks me up and dusts off my skinned knees, and places me back on me feet again.

Sometimes I wonder if others saw everything about me-- all my attitudes, actions and words if I would have any friends. I don't feel very gracious or patient or loving much of the time. Only through His strength can I bit my tongue in the moments that I feel like snapping. And often times, I walk in my own strength, and end up saying something that I regret. Its in these moments-- the moments that I fail miserably in my humanness that I realize all the more, his great 'God-ness.' His perfect nature that comes in and loves me through the mess and reminds me of the fact that I am beloved despite myself. I don't have to earn his love. I don't have to fight for it. Its there-- simply and freely, always. That is why He is different from all other 'gods.' Because its not about me or anybody being good enough to earn his favor, its simply about the fact that His grace covers it, because its like an ocean.

I'm grateful that he doesn't say "Ok, Hannah, you've messed up 456,321 times, now I am done forgiving." Nope. Not once has he ever said that-- nor will he. His love truly is extravagant. It blows me away, and I feel as though I can relate to the Psalmist as he pours out praises upon the Lord-- realizing his great love.

I could never imagine all that I would learn about Him in a few short months, but I can say with more certainty than ever before that His grace is enough and that His love reaches to the heavens, and His faithfulness stretches to the skies. For that, I praise Him.

This song was continually running through my head while writing this, and I borrowed a few lyrics earlier, so give it a listen :)

Cheers.

His Birthday

I've been back 'home' for a week now, for Christmas break, and I have to say that this week has been different than expected, but I am learning what it means to live in simplicity with sweet Jesus.

 I always tend to complicate the simple. The concept of following Jesus is simple, but it isn't easy. God has been showing me the simplicity as I've been here at home. He's given me a rest and a peace as I've walked through some tough things with people I love. Normally my heart would be in knots and my head would be spinning in a time like this, but all I feel now is complete peace and rest in the arms of a loving Savior. And all I can say is 'thank you.'

He's showing me that life with him is a daily thing. It really isn't about how long I spend in silence or reading my Bible everyday-- its about surrendering everyday to His will and His plans for my life. Its about saying 'yes' to living for him and saying 'no' to the things of the world. I am so grateful that God doesn't measure success in the way that humans so often do. He looks at the heart-- for Him its always been about the condition of the heart.

He's showing me that he alone is source of peace and joy. Even in rough times, even in times of uncertainty, He is the source of strength that keeps me going. I could not continue on by myself, but each day as I wake up, he grants daily bread and bestows some of His strength upon me, to get through the day-- whatever may come.

He's showing me that it isn't about straining to be good enough, because, I simply can't be 'good enough.' I fail everyday. But through Christ's sacrifice, I am made clean and whole in Him. That is the most beautiful promise. He was and is good enough, and that was more than enough to cover all of our sins. I realize more and more how sin-cursed this world is, and how in need of a Savior we all are. And in that, I am grateful for the One that came to be that sacrifice for our sins.

And on that note-- Merry Christmas, and Happy birthday, Jesus! Thank you...