Melodies and Mood Rings

Today has been one of those days where I feel especially anti-social.
Its one of those days where I just feel a little off.

There isn't anything wrong. There is not anything pressing and I don't have anything extra on my mind. I would just rather not talk. Sometimes life goes like that. And that is alright.

I used to feel like I always had to have a smile on my face and I always had to say that everything was fabulous when in fact, things were really crappy. I felt like that is what people expected of me, so that is what I did.

I had a conversation with a friend at the beginning of Bible school-- about a year and a half ago, about this. I told her that it was exhausting always having to be chipper. Always smiling and responding with "Great!" when anyone asked me how I was doing. She told me that it wasn't my responsibility to make people feel better by acting like things were alright when they weren't. And is that ever the truth.

God has been teaching me about feelings over the past several months. I skyped with a friend from Bible school last night, she is one of my best friends, and eventually the conversation got around to how we both feel as though we're in a place in our faith where sometimes we don't feel excited to worship. To do as God asks us to do. To serve Him. We don't always feel the butterflies and unicorns that we did when we were in Bible school. Its an odd place to be.

I think often times we start to wonder what is wrong when those feelings cease to exist. What I am learning, though, is that perhaps there isn't anything wrong. Maybe its just the fact that we are human and our emotions and feelings change day by day and often hour by hour or minute by minute.

We do not need to feel like obeying in order to obey.

We do not need to feel like serving God in order to serve Him.

I think one of the marks of maturity is when we choose to serve, to worship, to love even when we don't feel like it. Maybe that is when our character is formed and where we become firm, steady and deeply rooted.

In my life its never been during the times when things were peachy that I grew the most spiritually, mentally or emotionally. It has always been the times when things were a little off. When life didn't always make sense. When I had to make a choice to despair or to trust.

Its uncomfortable to walk through long seasons when we have to dig in deeper because our time with God doesn't involve life-changing revelations and breaking down while reading His word on a regular basis. But God doesn't base the quality of our relationship with Him on those things.

He sees our hearts and cares a whole heck of a lot about molding and shaping us, growing us and sanctifying us, whether that involves tears or not.

Tears or not, He is working. His work does not stop because of how I am feeling. And His character is constant through my ever changing emotions. I do not expect to always be happy. That is not my goal in life-- my goal is to serve Him through the breezy and beautiful as well as through the broken and bitter.

That isn't to say that our emotions don't matter, or that God does not care about how we are feeling-- quite the contrary. God cares more than we will ever be able to conceive. I feel deeply, and I know that God created me that way, and cares about my emotions. However, our feelings are not the most important aspect of our lives or faith. Our emotions have a place, but they need not dictate our lives.

Our faith is not stronger when we are happy and weaker when we're sad. We're not 'spiritual giants' when we are thrilled to worship and serve God and 'spiritual dwarfs' when it takes a whole lot of strength just to crack open His word.

 Our lives are a song to the One that we serve. Our lives are more about melodies than mood rings.

Community

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am really passionate about community.

 I am passionate about communication and unity.

I am passionate about people using their giftings to benefit the larger community, culture and world.

And recently I've found myself thanking God for the community that surrounds me each and every day as I wake, attend classes, work, socialize, eat and sleep. It is a community that is filled with deep, critical thinkers. It is a community where God's name is honored and His perspective is sought. It is a community of prayer and praise.

Not everyone has that community.

We've been talking about what it means to be made in the image of God, in Theology class. Its deeper than just having a soul, it involves responsibility-- in how we treat, view and speak of and to each other. It involves who we are. Its a part of our identity. Our instructor said that it was as though the very fingerprints of God are upon us. And its true. He has marked us as His. He allows us to reason, think, feel, act, love and express ourselves, as He does.

It is a privilege to be made in the image of God. And yet, its also a responsibility. It means that we are to treat ourselves and those around us with dignity, value and respect. No one is exempt. We are all made in the image of God.

If you're breathing, you've got His fingerprints upon you. That spurs us to live with an eternal perspective-- realizing that this life is about much more than just ourselves and our own little worlds. Its about HIM and what He is doing in the world, in the community and through us.

Our lives affect those around us. I am grateful that He allows us to be a small part of what He is doing on the earth. He doesn't have to allow us to be involved, and yet He delights to use that which He created to speak His truth and glory to the world.

So today I am reminded and grateful for this truth:

"To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another utterance of knowledge according to the same spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills."

1 Corinthians 12:7-11

Let's celebrate our different gifts. Let's walk in community and unity and appreciate that we serve a God that loves diversity.

Awkward Isn't Bad

I don't like awkward.

But nonetheless, sometimes often my life is awkward.

When I went to Malaysia a few years ago with my YWAM team, we started reminding each other to 'embrace the awkward.' Going to a different country, not knowing the expectations and ways of doing things and social norms created a lot of awkward situations.

Starting a new job is often awkward. Expectations and how things are done don't often 'click' right away.

 Sometimes when I am doing something new I feel like a child again-- having to ask a million questions just to know how things are done. I don't like the feeling-- I like knowing how to do something and how to do it well.

Perhaps this comes from being a chronic 'people-pleaser.' Perhaps it comes from just liking comfort a whole lot. Maybe it is a combination of the two.

However, being 22 and having traveled and changed locations, jobs, schools, always meeting new people and being forced to do things I've never done, that don't come naturally to me has inevitably created a lot of awkward situations. Not to mention that awkward somehow always seems to find me... Sometimes when it comes, it comes hard.

And I am convinced that that is alright. 

Awkward isn't bad. Its just uncomfortable. But I think its one of those things that causes us to grow, whether we realize it or not. We learn that awkward doesn't kill us, and sometimes, it even makes for a good story later.

So, in line with what God has been teaching me, and in line with the title of my blog, I am learning to let go of my expectations that life should not ever be awkward. And honestly, I am learning to move on when situations are awkward. They come all the time, and God is teaching me to let them roll off my back and continue with life.

They're not worth dwelling on.

They're not worth stealing my joy.

So, I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that awkward isn't bad, its just uncomfortable. And to encourage anyone who perhaps despises awkward situations as well, to breathe, relax and remember that its part of life.

We are molded through them.

We learn how to interact with others.

And sometimes they make the best stories later.  

Breathe in. Breathe out.

Letting Go

So, I changed the name of my blog. The idea came as I was lying in bed last night, trying and failing miserably at going to sleep. I am always the most creative while lying in bed-- its inevitable.

The title reflects what God is currently teaching me, and it signifies much of what this year meant for me. I am realizing the importance of letting go.

Letting go of my expectations of how God should work so that I can be excited about what He is doing.

Letting go of my selfishness to better love and serve others.

Letting go of the picture in my head of what my life and everyone else's lives should look like so I can submit to His plan and purpose (which is always better than mine!)

Letting go of what is behind, and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on to the goal... for which God has called me (Philippians 3:13-14).

Letting go of self to experience Him more fully. 

My prayer for 2014 is that God's people would learn to let go of control, worries, fears and walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4) and experience His freedom.  It is, after all, for freedom He's set us free (Galatians 5:1).

 So walk, in newness of life.

2013

How does one even begin to sum up a year in a single blog post? I know that this post will not do justice to what this year has been for me, but perhaps it will scratch the surface.

2013. Hands down the most challenging year of my life. No doubt about it-- so many unexpected twists and turns. At times it felt like I was on a roller coaster with my eyes closed and I couldn't stop. Sometimes it dipped. Sometimes it turned. Sometimes it went upside down. And while it was hard and scary, it was also exhilarating, exciting and I leave changed. 

The first six months of this year were spent in Montana-- my second home. I was finishing up the 9 month Bible course that had begun in September of 2012. Y'all, I saw the body of Christ displayed in a way which I hadn't ever quite seen it displayed before. The people-- staff, students, everyone are all sold out for Christ. They live for Him each day and they long to please Him and share Him with others. I made beautiful friendships while I was there and I experienced the sweet, sweet love of Jesus on a deeper level as I studied His word.

 But it wasn't all glitter, either. The first six months of this year were also some of the hardest of my life. I went through a bout of depression/spiritual warfare in January and February. I was sad and down and anxious and I didn't know why. I couldn't shake it. And it affected my relationships. I felt so lonely-- it was not anyone's fault, it was just what I was working through.

I remember waking up some mornings to pray with a friend, and just crying-- barely able to get any words out because I just felt such a sense of sadness. And it wasn't me. I am not a sad person. I am joyful-- but those two months were hard y'all.

That was when things started to 'get real.' We were encouraged, in our studies to ask the 'why' questions, but every time I did that, I felt like I was doubting my faith. And I actually had to stop and look my beliefs straight in the face and figure out why I believed. It wasn't enough for the answer to be 'because...' I had to understand. It had to be mine, and it was, but this was a time that solidified it even more.

 And, in March a really beautiful friendship began to form. I remember praying fervently before I started school, and it was simple-- I wanted a really close, 'best friend' while in Montana. Just when I wondered if God was even going to bring that about, a friendship happened. To this day I don't even remember how we first started hanging out. I think we happened to get into a conversation about how we both wanted to start working out on a regular basis, and then we began 'work-out partners.' Bang. We were friends. Literally the deepest-the-fastest friendship I have ever formed. But this girl is a gem, y'all. She spoke truth to me more times than I can count and God has used her mightily in my life over the past nine months. We cried together. Prayed together. Laughed together. Shared our lives. I am still blown away at how He knew exactly what I needed, and brought it at the perfect time.

And... she likes to craft. So that is also a bonus ;)

 God used Bible school to teach me about His intense love even more. He showed me His mercy-- from the time of creation through Jesus' life and every day that has ever existed, His mercy and love has gone before us. That is perhaps the most significant thing that studying the Bible for a year taught me. His love is wild. It cannot be understood and we will only ever just barely begin to scratch the surface with our understanding of it.

God was doing a lot in my heart during this time. He was uprooting some deep insecurities. He was speaking truth to places where I had believed lies for so long. And He was showing me places where I imprisoned myself with guilt and started gently removing that unnecessary guilt. And while I write this now, dry eyed, let me tell you, I was not 'dry eyed' during that time. I cried. All the time. It was painful and hard. Change always is. But it was so needed. And never once did His love not carry me through.

School ended at the end of June, and that was bittersweet for sure. But before it ended-- about 3 weeks before, I got a call from my sister back home, in Oregon, telling me that our mom had been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I can't tell you what that felt like. I was finishing SBS and was stressed beyond reason while also preparing to say 'good bye' to some of my closest friends, knowing that some I may never see again. And now this.

It was hard. It didn't make sense. But, something I can say for sure, throughout this time and my entire time in Montana is this-- I had peace. Sometimes that peace was threatened and anxiety knocked, but I remember just feeling this really beautiful, sweet presence of the Lord. And there was peace where it didn't make sense. My future-- my family's future was way up in the air, and yet I knew that we didn't walk alone. I can't explain it, because it is a peace that cannot be explained, but it is one of the surest signs that God was with us through the diagnosis.

Finally, graduation came. And there was much rejoicing. And many tears. And a whole lot of hugs.

And I went home on the train. With a whole nine months worth of Bible study and happenings to process through and a family life that was going to be quite different than what I had envisioned just a few weeks earlier.

I had six weeks of summer before starting back up at University. It was mostly spent with family. Doctors appointments. Chauffeuring. Getting stuff together for University.

And at the end of August my sister and I shuttled ourselves an hour south to come to University. And the adventure began. No, we are not roommates. We wanted to be social and meet other people.

So, for the past 3+ months I have been here, at University. I am still blown away that I get to study psychology-- something about which I am passionate and love deeply. I am blessed to have a beautiful hall of girls that bring joy to my life each day. And to be in a place that fosters Christian growth and that encourages us to live lives of service and devotion to God.

And it is beautiful. And a transition. I was a hot mess for the first couple of week. I hate change... ironic, I know, since it seems like for the past 2 1/2 years my life has consisted solely of change. But nonetheless, its a challenge for me.

I came into this year with a lot of expectations, and a lot of which weren't met in the way that I thought that they should be. That created some disappointment. Perhaps the biggest thing that God has taught me this year, aside from His great love and mercy is that I need to put aside my expectations and allow Him to work as He desires.

What a challenge. I so love control. But He gently shows me that He is in fact that One holding the reigns so to speak and He is worth of my trust. Man, why is trust so hard? I think its because I can be quite stubborn at times...

And at the end of the year, looking back to all that 2013 was, and looking forward to what He has in store for 2014 I can say with more confidence than ever before-- He is faithful. Through diagnoses. Through depression. Through change. Through loneliness. He never left. And His patience blows my mind.

Psalm 138

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;

before the gods I sing your praise;

2 I bow down toward your holy temple

and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things

your name and your word.

3 On the day I called, you answered me;

my strength of soul you increased.

4 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,

for they have heard the words of your mouth,

5 and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,

for great is the glory of the Lord.

6 For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,

but the haughty he knows from afar.

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,

and your right hand delivers me.

8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Strive. Strain... Rest.

Strive. Strain. Strive some more.

This has been my reality as of late. I've noticed an unhealthy lifestyle starting to take place. Its actually something that I've had to fight against for most of my life, but its been manifesting itself again recently.

With 17 credits, a part time job, community service hours to complete and an internship coming up, plus homework, church, relationships and hall events I'd say I'm pretty darn busy.

And yet even so, I often feel as though I'm not 'doing enough' for the kingdom. Its an unhealthy thought pattern, and I realize that. So I medicate by making sure that I am always involved in whatever it is that is going on around me. I serve meals at a local non-profit. I go to all of the dorm events. I have 27 coffee dates a week. I pray for people. And I wonder if in God's eyes I am 'doing enough.'

I recently sent a long, drawn out email to a friend about this very thing, and her response stung a little initially, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm grateful that she loves me enough to speak truth even when it isn't always pretty. She told me this:

"And, to me, because you are concerned about not speaking enough, shows that you are not trying to dodge your responsibility to speak when necessary. But it also shows that you have a mixed up view of what evangelism is in it's basic form. Each of us have been given different gifts. Ephesians 4 speaks of some of the gifts. Some are to be Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Shepherds, and others Teachers... but it is all for the building up of the body, unity in faith and knowledge of the Son of God. (v11-13) We are to operate in our giftings, and each one gift needs the others to get the full picture of Christ. Sometimes the evangelist's gift gets put on center-stage because it is is mainly the one up-front, but it is no more important than the teaching gift."

 

I often recognize this pattern in my life-- this nervousness that I am not 'doing enough', that I am somehow not making a difference because I am in a Christian community, I spend 90% of my time around people that essentially believe the same as I do and I feel like I'm not spreading the Gospel. It sounds silly when I write it, because God is so much bigger than my ideas of what 'being used' looks like. And yet, I know that I am not the only one that struggles with this idea.

And I also realize my tendency, within my Christian community to want to look like I have my ducks in a row. I am naturally a pretty open person. There isn't a lot that my close friends don't know about me. I am just a sharer of my life and I often talk about what I'm learning, what I'm struggling through and the things that I'm realizing about myself and the world around me. Even so, I often wonder what others might think when they see the selfishness that lives within me. The critical spirit that rears its ugly head. The self-righteous spirit that threatens unity. Those are the things that I fear other people seeing. Because I do not want to be self-righteous. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be critical. But I am. So often I am. 

I hate the selfishness that lives inside of me, and yet I realize, that in this I am also not alone. The longer I am in healthy Christian community, the more I realize the healing that comes when we just openly speak of our struggles, our hurtful habits and the things that we're not proud about. I'm pretty sure that is why James says:

 

 "Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed" (5:16, italics mine)

So I guess I am slowly learning that it really is alright that I don't have it together. Like even a little bit. No matter how much I wish that I did, I do not. And I know that Father knows that and He does have it together, so I can rest in that.

He's teaching me that I don't have to strive all the time. Striving ceases when one knows and understands their calling and knows to whom they belong. So I guess I'm still learning this as well. As I seek Him, He guides me and shows me what He has for me. Even if that is something that seems simple to me. Its not always massive and gigantic. Sometimes its encouraging a friend. Sometimes its smiling at someone who needs to see a friendly face. And sometimes its speaking truth to someone who is tangled in lies. 

So I am learning to rest. That has been the word for this year and let me tell you, it is a journey. Who knew resting could be so hard? It is. But its also a beautiful journey, and as I learn, I learn with others who are on similar journeys and who can encourage, pray for and help spur me on. I am grateful for the body.

I am broken. So broken. But I serve the One who is the very definition of what it means to be "whole". In that there is rest.

Food for Thought

"Every time that God is really doing something amazing in my heart its when everything was falling apart around me. Its like God says to me, 'No, its not your circumstances that need to change, its you...'" -Mike Donehey (Tenth Avenue North)