Who am I?

Sometimes I sit here and wonder who I am. Sounds odd, I know, I have lived with myself for a while now, I should know who I am. But sometimes I feel like I know so little about who I am. Sure, I know that I like cheese, and I go to school and spend too much time online. Yes, I know all that stuff. But who am I inside, deep down? What do I want? What do I believe? Do others know who I am? What makes me who I am? I have come to realize that I am a contradiction, and it bugs me, and yet it is refreshing also. 

Is it possible to be both sarcastic and yet incredibly deep at the same time? Can I be fun and grounded? Blond and smart? Dedicated and spontaneous? Silly and serious? It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? I mean of course we as humans are multi-faceted beings. The answer should be a resounding "YES!" To all of the above. But I still wonder. Why is it that I can be completely sarcastic and jaded one moment, and serious and focused the next? Does 'who I am' change based off of who I'm around? Is that a bad thing? 

This next stage of figuring out who I am is confusing. I don't know the answers... and I want to. I think part of what bothers me so much is that I'm not sure that I completely understand myself, which, in turn means that there is no way that others understand me. Sure, we can 'get' people to an extent, but can we ever be completely understood by someone else? Do I understand anyone else that walks this earth? Do I know and accept and love and appreciate all that they are and are not? Maybe we aren't supposed to understand each other completely. Maybe it is a bit of a mystery and it always will be until we are called home. 

I feel like around certain people I can be funny and silly and sarcastic, and around others I am more serious and focused and elegant. Why is that? It makes sense, in a way. Different situations call for different behavior, but how I want people to see who I am... in all reality. I, just like everyone, have many facets. I am not simply this or that. I cross the boxes that we are assigned to so often. I am not just "emotional" or just "silly" or just "serious" or just "weird." I am all of the above, and that is ok. Why do I try to put myself into the boxes that I feel so confined by?

I wish so much that we could rid ourselves of the boxes that we place ourselves and others in, and just understand how layered and diverse a single person is. It is a beautiful thing to be so diverse, and yet it feels so odd to be a complete contradiction of myself.

The Present

As one chapter of my life is coming to a close soon, and another one is starting, I realize how important the here and now is. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the past or the future, but the present is the only thing that we can control.

I am learning this. And I am beginning to see the joy in the moment. What a relief! As cliche as it sounds, the old saying is true: 'Today is a gift. That is why it's called the present.' There is always something to learn, to appreciate or to gain from the present. We don't get a do-over. I hope to make the best of it. :)

Without further ado, here are some shots from  this beautiful day!

This one thing

There is this odd dynamic that has made itself present in my life recently. For so long I have prayed and longed to be able to be confident in who I am, and not to put so much stock in what others think. I have finally, over the last few months seen things changing. Slowly, this shift has taken place, and I am able to walk into a room, and feel comfortable with who I am, not worrying too much about others' opinions. It is great, and yet, maybe not so great at the same time. It seems like with many changes that we wish to see take place in our lives, there is a downside to it. I struggle with balancing self esteem and self confidence with being understanding and sensitive. Very easily, one extreme or the other can creep in, changing everything.

I do think that many people, including myself spend much too much time worrying about what other people think of them. It is innately human to want to be accepted, and yet the other end of the spectrum is not caring at all what people think, which is, in itself a huge pitfall. This causes insensitivity and arrogance; trampling on those who we once were so careful to protect. 

I have found myself to be exhausted and tired lately. Not only physically tired, but mentally and emotionally tired as well. I have no doubt as to why this is, but I dislike it. It seems as though being exhausted, in whatever sense of the word, always causes carelessness. And carelessness causes hurt. So I can't say with any assurance whether this 'new found' confidence is because of an actual change in me for the better, or because of exhaustion. Either one is plausible, and yet they are as far apart on the spectrum as is possible. And I don't want to have 'confidence' if it is just manifesting itself from a careless attitude. 

Not putting too much stock in what others think is one thing,

being insensitive and uncaring because of exhaustion is another. 

I pray that this 'confidence' may not come from exhaustion or from an attitude that is uncaring, but from knowing who I am to the One who who created me. Because it makes all the difference.

Identity

I am one of those typical 'bloggers' that reads about a million blogs and is always finding inspiration in odd places. Maybe I'm weird, but I always knew it. Anyhow, I was reading a blog the other day that talked about identity. And specifically, what one's identity was. This blogger was saying that her identity is, right now, that of a wife and mother. And it made me think. What is my identity? By that I mean, what is it that I identify myself with each day? What is it that I spend time on?

I realized that my identity is that of an employee and student. That is where my life is right now. Of course there are many facets to every life, but often that cannot be fully seen because I get lost in my roles as student and worker. Sometimes I wonder, if I sat down and just evaluated myself, would I be able to say much outside of, 'I go to school, I have a ridiculous amount of homework, and I love my jobs?' I don't know that I would be able to write an essay about who I am. I know inside who I am, but I find that when I am not working, or not in school or doing homework, I am bored. I feel like my place in life has been thrown off, and I don't know what to do with myself.

It is easy to associate ourselves with whatever role, job, or thing that fills our days. 'Oh I'm a taxi driver' or 'I'm a student' or 'I'm a volunteer.' These are the typical responses that we hear from one that we ask about who they are. But there is so much more. There always is. Yet I know that somehow these are the things that I let be my defining roles. Maybe that isn't bad, but it is important to keep things in perspective. I am not just a student and worker. I am also a daughter, a sister, a child of God, a photography lover, a cheese addict, and a people person.

Its really nice to know that we can be more than just one or two 'things' at a time. We are layered people, people of many facets. I am glad that we don't have just one role or place in life. But we are many things at once, and that makes us unique.

Live, love, laugh!

Do you ever have a nagging thought, or novel of thoughts that just continues to travel with you each day, until you finally get those thoughts out? I do, often. And this is one of those times. For whatever reason I have been thinking about acceptance and the longing in human hearts to be accepted and loved. What great lengths a person will go to in order to be loved. The desire to be accepted has caused friendships to wither, tension in the home, physical harm, and hours upon hours of internal turmoil amongst many. It is deeply rooted in each human, and it comes to expression in different ways.

I think of my desire to be accepted, and how much of a role that plays in my life everyday. It plays much too large of a role, often times. Some mornings I spend a ridiculous amount of time in front of my closet, trying to decide what to wear, or more time getting ready than is really logical. Its kind of narcissistic when I think about it... I don't like thinking about it too much, because it makes me feel selfish. Nevertheless, it is reality. And I wonder, why is this desire within us so strong? And why will some go to nearly any length to be accepted? Today's youth have been fed lie after lie about what creates value. And it is believed. Somewhere along the way, probably not long after the creation of the world, people started looking for things that would make them feel valuable. Notice I said feel. 

Is one valuable because of what the tag on their clothes reads, or because of how many creams they cover their face with? Or because of how many friends they have, or who those friends are? Many would say yes. Maybe not vocally, but through their actions, they would show that they believe that. Some days I look in the mirror several times within a half hour. I change my outfit, because something about it was just 'not quite right.' It is utter ridiculousness, and yet, it is not abnormal. I admire those who can walk into a crowded space, and feel completely comfortable in their own skin. They light up the room because of their love and confidence, not because of their clothes, face, or friends.

I hope somehow we can become confident in who we are, not because of what we have done, but because of what the Creator says. Why does the world have more say in our value than the one who created value?

I remember

One of the best weeks of my life, full of vibrant growth, great food, and beautiful people happened in March of 2009. It was in Belize. I loved it.

 Its amazing what God can do in a week. I loved everything about it. Not just the fact that it is beautiful, but also the fact that the people were so alive, and so accepting. I grew so much, and my heart was touched. I would love to go back someday. Until then, I remember.

Treasures

Why is it, that whenever I need to write, or read, or do anything remotely academic, my cat decides to be affectionate?? And she is NOT an affectionate cat. Oh the irony...

This week is my second back and school, and I am feeling positive about school. I like my classes and schedule. I really can't complain. But I have been noticing a restlessness in me. Recently I have just needed and wanted an adventure. It's like, I've been in the same place, doing the same things for so long, that I just want something new. I have always had a restless spirit. I love adventure, and dislike complacency. I love to travel, and see new places, meet new people, and experience new things. Maybe that is why I am looking forward to being done with this phase, tying up the loose ends, and moving to the next phase.

I notice myself thinking about my upcoming plans and goals, often. I have always been a planner, but sometimes I fear that it is to the expense of the present. Like maybe if I keep thinking about everything that is to come, I am going to miss what is. Wouldn't that be a tragedy? It would be. I need to learn to quiet my heart, and rest in the present, knowing that my future will be here someday.

I struggle with knowing how to be content in the present. I tend to look back, or look forward. Maybe it's human nature, I don't know, but regardless, I know that it is so important to learn the art of contentment. I think its a lifelong process. For some, it comes easy. For others, it is difficult. I think part of the problem is that I am a thinker... I just need to stop thinking. That will solve all of my problems. Awesome, glad I figured that one out.

I am convinced that there is something to be treasured in each day. And I hope to be able to find those treasures.