July 16, 2011

I have much to say, but no words for it. URG. No worries, I am fine. Just mulling over lots of things now. What I can say is, I am experiencing things that I never have before, and am in a place in life that is so different than where I was 4 months ago. It is a good thing. I continue to see peace and contentment reign, and that is huge.

I feel very excited and happy!

seize the day!!

Its a Beautiful Life

I have never in my life felt more peace than I do right now. This is amazing! And yet... there is still a little tiny part of me that questions if this whole 'getting up and leaving' thing is really what I want to do. There is not a doubt in my mind that it is the right thing, but some days I feel like I am just happy to stay here in my little corner of the world, and sit on my comfortable couch, and just enjoy life as it is. But, that would not be the right thing to do. And I know that if I did what I feel like doing, versus what I know I need to be doing, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I know and trust that God holds my future in His hands, but sometimes I just wish I could have a tiny glimpse into what that future might be. I want to see where I'll be in 5 years. But that is the beauty of it all-- being surprised. I suppose it would be to my benefit to learn to like surprises sooner, rather than later, because life is full of them. But it doesn't always jive with this 'planner' personality. Ha!

No matter where I am in 5 days or 5 months, or 5 years, I am trying to soak up every minute of my time wherever I am at. To learn to love each moment and adventure that comes my way. I am very blessed, and I don't want to miss even a second of this beautiful life!

What happens when...?

I have been pondering what happens when we step out of our comfort zone, and make ourselves available. The thought scares a bit, to be honest. I have such a little bubble that I like to stay in, that feels good, and comfortable. I do not enjoy stepping out of that bubble (who likes it?!) But I know that this life is not about always doing what we like, or staying in that place of comfort. The Christian life is one that is called to consist of servitude and honestly, doing hard things sometimes. That is just the plain truth.

I love this quote that I read on a blog a while back: "Does it feel good, or does it feel right?" (Thank you, Kate McDonald!) At first it perplexed me, but after a bit, it began to make sense. Often times, the right thing, the thing we know that we should be doing, the one that is the hardest does not feel good. It is often painful, and involves self sacrifice. But "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same" (The Fray). Its hard for me to understand, but I know it is the reality. 

I have a feeling that these upcoming months will be ones that stretch me in every way: mentally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Being 'stretched' is not fun, but I know that if I am to grow, being stretched is essential. And think about it, when one stretches after a workout, it is a bit uncomfortable at times, but it turns out to be really good for their body. So it is the same with other types of 'stretching' I am sure. I grows me up, helps me to trust more, and helps me be able to relate to others, to show empathy, and a host of other things. 

What happens when we pray for God to take us out of our comfort zone? Oh, no doubt He does. It may be hard, but it is necessary, and it is ultimately, for my good.

Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing, are the same.

What if?

This song has really been speaking to me lately. They lyrics ring true, but the song itself is beautiful. I would encourage you to look it up. 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

-Blessings (Laura Story)

I was blessed to be able to discuss this with a friend today, and to be able to talk about how the trials of life seem so overwhelming sometimes, but often, oh so often, they're what shape and make us. This song is a great reminder of that.

Blessed

I am blessed. I am so grateful for incredible friends and family. I have a great support system behind me, and I couldn't ask for more! So grateful!

There is beauty all around me, and I love it! Just reveling in life right now! It is hard sometimes, but I am always blessed!

Who am I?

Sometimes I sit here and wonder who I am. Sounds odd, I know, I have lived with myself for a while now, I should know who I am. But sometimes I feel like I know so little about who I am. Sure, I know that I like cheese, and I go to school and spend too much time online. Yes, I know all that stuff. But who am I inside, deep down? What do I want? What do I believe? Do others know who I am? What makes me who I am? I have come to realize that I am a contradiction, and it bugs me, and yet it is refreshing also. 

Is it possible to be both sarcastic and yet incredibly deep at the same time? Can I be fun and grounded? Blond and smart? Dedicated and spontaneous? Silly and serious? It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? I mean of course we as humans are multi-faceted beings. The answer should be a resounding "YES!" To all of the above. But I still wonder. Why is it that I can be completely sarcastic and jaded one moment, and serious and focused the next? Does 'who I am' change based off of who I'm around? Is that a bad thing? 

This next stage of figuring out who I am is confusing. I don't know the answers... and I want to. I think part of what bothers me so much is that I'm not sure that I completely understand myself, which, in turn means that there is no way that others understand me. Sure, we can 'get' people to an extent, but can we ever be completely understood by someone else? Do I understand anyone else that walks this earth? Do I know and accept and love and appreciate all that they are and are not? Maybe we aren't supposed to understand each other completely. Maybe it is a bit of a mystery and it always will be until we are called home. 

I feel like around certain people I can be funny and silly and sarcastic, and around others I am more serious and focused and elegant. Why is that? It makes sense, in a way. Different situations call for different behavior, but how I want people to see who I am... in all reality. I, just like everyone, have many facets. I am not simply this or that. I cross the boxes that we are assigned to so often. I am not just "emotional" or just "silly" or just "serious" or just "weird." I am all of the above, and that is ok. Why do I try to put myself into the boxes that I feel so confined by?

I wish so much that we could rid ourselves of the boxes that we place ourselves and others in, and just understand how layered and diverse a single person is. It is a beautiful thing to be so diverse, and yet it feels so odd to be a complete contradiction of myself.

The Present

As one chapter of my life is coming to a close soon, and another one is starting, I realize how important the here and now is. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the past or the future, but the present is the only thing that we can control.

I am learning this. And I am beginning to see the joy in the moment. What a relief! As cliche as it sounds, the old saying is true: 'Today is a gift. That is why it's called the present.' There is always something to learn, to appreciate or to gain from the present. We don't get a do-over. I hope to make the best of it. :)

Without further ado, here are some shots from  this beautiful day!