Journey to Wholeness

Its officially third quarter of SBS and I have to say that it has FLOWN by. It has been a journey filled with challenges, tears, laughter, and through it all-- growth. I've done a lot of reflecting lately (I actually do that a lot, but more, recently). And I've thought back to all that He's done in my life over the past seven months, and over the past nearly two years, since I originally entered YWAM, scared and holding onto a lot of things from my past that I didn't even realize were affecting me so negatively.

Today I understand who I am in Him so much more fully. I understand my worth in Him. I think if there are just a few things that He has taught me continually through SBS they would be:

*Identity and realizing that I need to NOT compare myself to others, because

I have giftings that are important and that are incredibly valuable

*That He is the ONLY one that can fill and that I need to go to Him first. I need to stop and 

talk to Him when things are awry. I need to consult Him before consulting others.

*I do not need people to fill me. I struggled a lot with this idea especially in DTS, 

but God has been hammering this truth into me and I am finally starting to grasp it.

Some days its easy to miss all the blessings that are starting me right in the face. Some days I get into a funk and I forget all the ways that God has blessed me and the truth of the fact that I couldn't have done any of this on my own. Sometimes I convince myself that I could-- but puh-lease. That is ridiculousness. He has done so much, and I love the way His hands work continually, faithfully, fully and always with love. Molding. Shaping. Building. Healing. 

I could literally go on for hours about all that He has done, but right now I will just say that its been mind-blowing. I couldn't have imagined it. Because He does unimaginable things. And I love it.

Messy.

In going with recent events, here I am talking about 'being messy' once again. God sure has been pounding it into my head.

Why are we so afraid of showing ourselves? Why are we afraid of messing up? I think a lot of it stems from unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves, probably subconsciously, but they're there and the affect the way that we live.

I think culture says that we have to have it all together. Culture tells us that messy is bad. So we do whatever we can to make sure we're not messy. That would be a tragedy. Because that would mean that we don't have it all together, and that we're no longer fooling ourselves or anyone else.

Who are we kidding??! We don't have it all together. Its really nice to think that we do-- but we don't. At least, I don't. You're probably just like Jesus and have your ducks in a row. But I sure as heck do not. I like to think that I do, but that doesn't usually last long before I say something that I wish I could take back or before I judge my neighbor. That usually doesn't last long before I end up realizing that my attitude is really rotten or that my thinking is prideful and stubborn.

So where does that leave us? At some point we reaching that breaking point and say "God, I don't have it together. I've tried so hard and for so long, but I just don't have it together..." Then what? I think that is a good place to be. It is the place that we are honest with ourselves and others. Its the place where we realize that we need each other, and we desperately need Father God. Its the place where we reach out to the One that does have it together. And in Him there is fullness. In Him we find ourselves able to be us. To rest where we are, without obligation.

I think that is so much of the freedom of knowing Christ. We are free to be us. He doesn't expect me to be anyone else-- I am me and He loves that. I mess up. I spent a good portion of yesterday worrying about whether a comment I made in a discussion was alright or not. I most certainly was NOT resting. And that is when He reminded me of a couple of things-- one being that I can never make everyone happy. There is always going to be someone that is not happy. Someone who thinks I shouldn't have said anything. Someone who thinks I should have said something, and stood up for what I believe. There will always be someone on the opposite side of the fence. Someone that is well intentioned and that might even hold to the same core beliefs as me. But I just won't make everyone happy all the time. And I can't be afraid of that. I might as well get used to the fact that there will always be someone who doesn't agree with what I think, say or do. That is not who I am living for.

Secondly, He reminded me that He sees the heart. He knows where my heart is, and that is both terrifying and comforting all at once. He knows the ugly, dark, icky parts of my heart that aren't always obvious to everyone else. And He sees the intentions, and my deep desire to honor Him. I love that. Its not hidden from His view, and while it is terrifying, I think for me its more comforting than anything.

Thirdly, its through 'messiness' that we grow. Its through mistakes and failures that we learn. We also become humbled through them, because we realize our own need for a Savior and we learn that we're all on this journey together. We grow through tears of pain and healing. We grow through times of panic and through storms. Its not just through the mountaintop times that we grow-- often times its through the valleys, the lowest of lows. God reminds us that apart from Him we are nothing. And those are the times that we learn to rely on Him.

I will inevitably say something this week that I wish I could retract. I might snap out of frustration, and my own selfishness. I am not in any way condoning these things, but I am saying that God knows this already, and that its in the times of failure and the times of mistakes and the times when we're just not on our 'A' game that I think sometimes we grow the most. Because we're not relying on ourselves or our strength anymore. We're relying on Him. And relying on Him is the best place to be.

So, I am in this place of learning to be okay with messy. He is okay with messy, I am convinced. He's not afraid of it. He knows exactly how to handle it, and He is more than capable of fixing the mess. But its in the mess, when everything is seen and made obvious that then the pieces are picked back up and organized and cleaned and dusted off. They will inevitably get dusty again, and there will probably be another mess to pick up at some point, but that is alright, because He's not afraid of messy, and He's right there to see us through it all.

If you want an example of 'messy' from the Bible you could pretty much read any part of the Old Testament to see examples of Israel going astray, but one specific person that comes to mind is David (1 and 2 Samuel). He was called "A Man After God's Own Heart" by God himself, but man, was he messy! He had an affair, committed murder, let his children off on things that they should have been disciplined for, killed the messenger, was impulsive. He loved God, and God honored him deeply, but he was messy. Its an encouragement to remember that even this person that is always held up and so highly esteemed lived a messy life, and that didn't disqualify him-- in fact it made him human, relate-able, and God used him in awesome ways.

Not Afraid of Messy

Today that comparison monster came back and he was kicking.

Today that comparison monster told me that I wasn't as hip or as funny or as clever or cool as they were.

And when I came back to my room I sat, with my bowl of chocolate frosted mini wheats, and I put my feet up on the chair and I asked God what this was all about. And in a moment He crushed that comparison monster. In a moment He told me that the reason that I thought that I wasn't as 'cool' or as 'clever' as someone else was because I was afraid of being messy. In my head, they were never 'messy.'

They never had days that they were insecure.
They never had moments of panic.
They never had moments where they snapped at others.
In my head, they were, essentially perfect.

And God reminded me that that isn't true. We are in the same boat.
We are on this journey of Sanctification together. And it is a beautiful journey, but its often messy.
And messy is okay. Messy doesn't have to be scary. Sometimes messy is indicator that God is doing some of His greatest work.

But I was afraid of messy.

I was afraid of not having all my 'ducks in a row.'
I was afraid of showing that sometimes I just don't have it together. Often times.

And He reminded me that that is okay. Because He does have it together. And that is what matters.

So today I learned that its okay to be messy. God isn't afraid of messy. And in fact, I am convinced that He loves messy, because through that His power is shown and His strength is given.

Today I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:10. When I am weak, I am strong. Because He is strong. And that is enough.

I am not afraid of messy.

Montana Life

I am halfway done with Bible school. Its an interesting feeling. I feel in many ways like I just got here yesterday, and in many other ways, I feel like I've been here for an eternity. But in all ways I know that I am blessed to be here.

Its a funny place in a way. We are studying so much, so constantly, and sometimes its just a whirlwind, from one book to the next. I often feel like I'm on a roller coaster and its a little crazy sometimes, and yet its the best kind of roller coaster to be on. I've found myself changing so much as I've been here. I guess studying the word of God will do that to ya ;).

God has been stripping away things that cause me to not trust in Him. Things that I sometimes hold onto too tightly. Its never an easy process, but it is necessary. Over the last year or so God has really been speaking identity into me, and reminding me that my identity comes from Him alone. That has always been a tough concept for me to grasp, as I would hold so tightly to people to fill me. God has even been stripping some people away in order to show me that I need to hold onto Him tightly, and in that, I will have what I need. I am filled in Him alone. As I go through this journey I'm finding that I really am filled in Him and satisfied in His presence. This is not something that I have always been able to say.

Its hard to describe all that He's been doing-- I've had some new experiences and I've had to ask some tough questions along the way, and yet there is this peace that is undeniable-- a knowing that He is so present with me and He is guiding me through all the ups and downs of this crazy, awesome, challenging journey. I couldn't be more grateful that He is so faithful to remind me that He goes before me and walks with me as I discover more of who He is.

One of the most beautiful things that He has been doing has been occurring just within the last week or so. There have been some uncertainties about the future and some different questions that I've had, and I am just experiencing such a peace as I seek God out on these things. Its an uncanny peace and its one that doesn't make sense. I mean, these aren't cake walk things-they're weighty, and yet there is a peace that is a foundation for everything that I am processing through.

I love how He works. We just got done studying Deuteronomy, which is all about God's faithfulness to His people as they wandered for forty years in the wilderness. They never went without-- they had food and water in the desert. Their clothes and sandals didn't wear out. And throughout the whole thing God was just continually reminding me that He is the same God today-- the God that cares for His children and that knows our needs. Even the smallest details and the whispered prayers. He provides. I love that about Him.

I guess this last five months hasn't been what I expected, but its been so much better. It always blows my mind how much greater His plans are than my own. I also didn't expect to be here, doing this school, ever. But that is another story. He works in mighty ways and His hand is guiding me. Grateful for His constant presence and His faithfulness. I am incredibly blessed.

CS Lewis

Abide

This week we studied John. It is a phenomenal book, and it was so eye-opening. It was also a challenging week. I had more on my plate than usual, I felt close to tears several times and I was sleep deprived. Even so, God spoke some really great things to me. I feel as though I have so much rattling around in my head that it is hard to put it all into words, so this is my best attempt.

John talks a lot about 'abiding.' John 15 specifically points to that:

"I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit...Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love." (15:5,9-10)

Over the past several months God has been highlighting to me what it means to 'abide' in Him. Dictionary definitions say 'abide' is to-- stay, stand, dwell or reside. Hmm. Nifty. Yeah, abiding is a dwelling in God, and He in us. And when God dwells within His children, things change, those people's lives change, and His spirit guides our lives. 

Perhaps to 'abide' in God's love means to be so constantly aware of it, that we understand what He says about us, and walk in confidence because of that. Perhaps it aids us in loving others-- I think that abiding in God's love will mean also loving others. Because if we're abiding in His love, and therefore, obeying Him, we will do as He says. 

The word 'abide' has the connotation that its a staying and a steadiness. It means a constant indwelling. That idea is incredible. To live lives abiding in God's love-- what more could we ask for?! And the fact that God would even care and love us enough for us to abide in that love is mind blowing. 

It means that in the hard times, we can rest assured that His love hasn't left us. In the smooth times, we need Him just as much. In the rough times, He is faithful, and that will not change. As we abide in Him we learn His character and truth. As we abide in Him, He teaches and molds us. As we stay and dwell in His presence, He fills us. 

I love that about Him. How good He is to His children.

The Best of 2012

Cliche-- this post is going to be COMPLETELY and in every way, cliche. So if that bothers you, you may as well turn back now. But mostly I am writing to compile a list of things that impacted me, made me laugh, brought (I almost wrote 'brang') me joy, and that were just cool from 2012. The inspiration came from  http://www.todaysletters.com/, a great blog that I follow-- if you feel like reading the whole list, feel free, if not, I won't be offended... so, here goes--

Best Moments:
-Ministering in Malaysia to homeless and people who are so often overlooked by society
-Being reunited with my sister after 13 months of being separated
-Meeting some of the most genuine people on the planet
-Being loved for who I am and who I am not
-Attending THREE weddings within five months (They were all beautiful!)
-Moving back to Montana to study the Bible 50+ hours a week
-Learning to be completely genuine and honest, even when its hard
-Passion growing
-Henna
-Learning to crochet and make my first headband and hat!
-Drawing again
-Drinking egg nog (Like seriously... egg nog is awesomme ;)

Best Movies:
-Blue Like Jazz (LOVED!!)
-Les Miserables
     (Now I can't think of a single movie I saw this year... what the heck, brain?!)
-The Odd Life of Timothy Green
-The Vow (So good!)
-We Bought a Zoo

Best Books:
-The Ragamuffin Gospel
-Forgotten God (By Francis Chan)
-Choosing to See (Mary Beth Chapman)

**Yes, I read a lot of biographies and Christian literature, its just what I like... :)

Best things I learned:
-Learning how to hear God's voice
-I am loved and worthy because I am Christ's and apart from what anyone says or thinks
-God WANTS to use me!!
-I still hate coffee, tea, however, is fabulous, especially the tangy and fruity kinds!
-People actually really do like me
-Sunburns (Really bad ones) turned tans last a LOOOONNGG time (Like over a year...)
-Reunions are the best
-Sunscreen should be used when out in the sun for long hours of the day (Yep... seems like a no brainer, but apparently that is hard to learn for me...)
-The Bible is awesome and reading it in context makes such a difference
-God is so faithful to work and to love and to show himself
-Time alone is precious and awesome
-Time with people is also precious and awesome... its all about balance :)
-Sunshine and snow are BOTH beautiful
-I still don't like rain that much. But I refuse to use an umbrella
-Ugly sweaters are fun to wear
-Sometimes God calls us to do things we never thought we'd do.... like go back to Montana for SBS :)
-People almost always respond with more grace than I foresee them responding with
-Jesus loves diversity
-My bed needs to be made in order for me to feel fully ready for my day and 'put together' ;)
-Doll houses are still fun
-Watching people grow and change is such a joy
-People don't think about me as much as I think about myself, so its a huge waste of time to wonder what they're thinking. It doesn't really matter anyway-- I serve an audience of One.
-Bible jokes and puns are ridiculous, and yet they make me laugh uncontrollably everytime
-There is beauty all around and LIFE is beautiful.

A few pictures from this year that were significant--
Also, if you've made it this far in the blog, I congratulate you. Go have a brownie.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!