Strive. Strain... Rest.

Strive. Strain. Strive some more.

This has been my reality as of late. I've noticed an unhealthy lifestyle starting to take place. Its actually something that I've had to fight against for most of my life, but its been manifesting itself again recently.

With 17 credits, a part time job, community service hours to complete and an internship coming up, plus homework, church, relationships and hall events I'd say I'm pretty darn busy.

And yet even so, I often feel as though I'm not 'doing enough' for the kingdom. Its an unhealthy thought pattern, and I realize that. So I medicate by making sure that I am always involved in whatever it is that is going on around me. I serve meals at a local non-profit. I go to all of the dorm events. I have 27 coffee dates a week. I pray for people. And I wonder if in God's eyes I am 'doing enough.'

I recently sent a long, drawn out email to a friend about this very thing, and her response stung a little initially, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm grateful that she loves me enough to speak truth even when it isn't always pretty. She told me this:

"And, to me, because you are concerned about not speaking enough, shows that you are not trying to dodge your responsibility to speak when necessary. But it also shows that you have a mixed up view of what evangelism is in it's basic form. Each of us have been given different gifts. Ephesians 4 speaks of some of the gifts. Some are to be Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Shepherds, and others Teachers... but it is all for the building up of the body, unity in faith and knowledge of the Son of God. (v11-13) We are to operate in our giftings, and each one gift needs the others to get the full picture of Christ. Sometimes the evangelist's gift gets put on center-stage because it is is mainly the one up-front, but it is no more important than the teaching gift."

 

I often recognize this pattern in my life-- this nervousness that I am not 'doing enough', that I am somehow not making a difference because I am in a Christian community, I spend 90% of my time around people that essentially believe the same as I do and I feel like I'm not spreading the Gospel. It sounds silly when I write it, because God is so much bigger than my ideas of what 'being used' looks like. And yet, I know that I am not the only one that struggles with this idea.

And I also realize my tendency, within my Christian community to want to look like I have my ducks in a row. I am naturally a pretty open person. There isn't a lot that my close friends don't know about me. I am just a sharer of my life and I often talk about what I'm learning, what I'm struggling through and the things that I'm realizing about myself and the world around me. Even so, I often wonder what others might think when they see the selfishness that lives within me. The critical spirit that rears its ugly head. The self-righteous spirit that threatens unity. Those are the things that I fear other people seeing. Because I do not want to be self-righteous. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be critical. But I am. So often I am. 

I hate the selfishness that lives inside of me, and yet I realize, that in this I am also not alone. The longer I am in healthy Christian community, the more I realize the healing that comes when we just openly speak of our struggles, our hurtful habits and the things that we're not proud about. I'm pretty sure that is why James says:

 

 "Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed" (5:16, italics mine)

So I guess I am slowly learning that it really is alright that I don't have it together. Like even a little bit. No matter how much I wish that I did, I do not. And I know that Father knows that and He does have it together, so I can rest in that.

He's teaching me that I don't have to strive all the time. Striving ceases when one knows and understands their calling and knows to whom they belong. So I guess I'm still learning this as well. As I seek Him, He guides me and shows me what He has for me. Even if that is something that seems simple to me. Its not always massive and gigantic. Sometimes its encouraging a friend. Sometimes its smiling at someone who needs to see a friendly face. And sometimes its speaking truth to someone who is tangled in lies. 

So I am learning to rest. That has been the word for this year and let me tell you, it is a journey. Who knew resting could be so hard? It is. But its also a beautiful journey, and as I learn, I learn with others who are on similar journeys and who can encourage, pray for and help spur me on. I am grateful for the body.

I am broken. So broken. But I serve the One who is the very definition of what it means to be "whole". In that there is rest.

Food for Thought

"Every time that God is really doing something amazing in my heart its when everything was falling apart around me. Its like God says to me, 'No, its not your circumstances that need to change, its you...'" -Mike Donehey (Tenth Avenue North)

Don't wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotton beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.”

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

 

Someday...

Tonight was open mic night here at University.
And I went, and it was amazing.
There is so much talent.

And it got me thinking-- there are so many things that I've always wanted to do, that I've kind of always just said 'someday...'

I want to become fluent in Spanish.

I want to learn to cook really well.

I want to learn to play guitar or piano.

I want to sing well.

I want to become better at photography.

And yes, I am a college student. I am busy. I am working. I am taking 17 credits. But, I will always be busy. I will always have work. Family. Kids. Friends. Life doesn't get less busy as it goes on, I am convinced.

So now is a good time to start doing these things that I've always wanted to do. Today is when I am living. God has given me and each of us this time to live. We don't know what tomorrow holds, and I am convinced that when we look back on our lives, we will regret the things that we didn't do-- all of those things that we wanted to do but never got around to.

God loves when we explore and when we pursue passions. I know that He loves it when we step out and are willing to put in the hard work to do something that is challenging, but worthwhile.

So... that being said-- I am going home this weekend, and I will cook at least one dinner for my family while I'm home... (pray the house doesn't burn down...)

Seize the day!

Comfort.

This week has been rough.

Two exams today.

A psychology class that forces me to think about hard things. Broken things inside of me.

The rain started this week.

Missing friends.

Playing the comparison game.

Emotions flying high.

Its just been one of those weeks. And I wasn't thrilled with how I handled some situations today. And I am afraid that people aren't going to like me. That they're going to think I'm boring/dull/not understanding/irritable/not cool. And the truth is I really want people to like me. 

There. I said it. I do. I really do. I want people to like me. And I am scared of messing up and disappointing people. I am scared of doing things the wrong way. I am scared to step out of my comfort zone and walk in boldness. And I hate it.

I hate that my norm is just to stay and do what I've always done, because its safe. I hate that when I'm feeling that tug to step out and do something that might take a little more vulnerability than I am comfortable with, that I freeze. I don't know what to do, and I try to ignore it.

Because heaven forbid I am ever not comfortable. 

Except, that isn't what the gospel teaches at all. The gospel teaches that we will face uncomfortable situations. Its guaranteed. You sign up for it when you give your life to the Lord. But I like safe. I like to do what I know works. I like people to not think I'm weird.

And all of this has led me to realize that maybe I don't fully understand the gospel. Or maybe I've been living out of a gospel that is only partially 'the gospel' and partially worship of my own comfort. Why do I love my own comfort so much? Because its familiar. Its safe. Its what I know. And my ego is protected when I am comfortable. I don't have to look my own sinful nature in the face and change when I am comfortable.

That is a nice idea, but it isn't the gospel.

I was walking back to my dorm from class earlier this week, and I was talking to God. I told Him I wasn't sure that I could do it-- this whole studying Psychology thing. I told Him that it broke my heart to see people in situations where there was addiction and death and a sense of hopelessness. And He told me 'Hannah, that is exactly why you need to study Psychology.'

And in that moment I realized that this journey of learning about humans and the way that they're created and how we think and act and do things is going to be hard. Because we are sinful creatures. We don't do things that we ought to do. And we do things that we ought not to do. And we are broken. We are selfish. But perhaps, when we understand each other, we can love better. Because we're approaching our brothers and sisters from a place of empathy, not of ignorance.

It won't be comfortable, that much has already been made clear. But I know its what I am supposed to be studying. And its what I love-- even though its hard. Gut-wrenching. Heart breaking at times. I love it because there is hope. There is restoration. There is truth and transformation that takes place.

I am learning about discomfort. And I am learning how to have courage. I think I'll be learning these things for a long time.

I am also learning that things worth doing are seldom easy. But they're worth it. They always are.

So I sit here, realizing my own brokenness and inability. And I admit that I fail often. Daily. Hourly. But I serve the One who never fails. Even though life is not comfortable I know that He walks with me. People might not like me. People might discourage me. But the question arises in those cases-- Where is my identity and hope found? Is it in people or in God? I know the 'right' answer, but what does my life show?

My prayer is that we become men and women of courage and that we would pursue His kingdom over our comfort. Regardless of what others say. I want to please God, not man.

Community.

Community.

Its a word that is often thrown around, but perhaps, not often understood. Its a nice catch phrase. Its a nice thing we like to talk about every now and again. But I think that its importance and significance in our lives is much larger than we sometimes realize.

I am speaking to myself here. I notice a massive difference in my countenance and even my self-esteem when I am a part of community versus when I am kind of doing life on my own. We were created for community, so it makes sense. We were never meant to do this life on our own-- we're together creatures. We're social creatures. Even introverts-- we're all meant to be a part of the larger world around us, and that is a really beautiful thing.

I think of the account in the book of Genesis, when God made Adam. He said that Adam was good, but we see-- "The Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'" (Genesis 2:18). And then He made Eve, from one of Adam's ribs. This is such a beautiful picture of the unity and togetherness that our Father values, and that we should value as well.

There are countless references to the body of Christ in the New Testament. I am convinced that we were never meant to do life alone. When I am alone too long I usually create a problem in my head that was never there. And I become more anxious. And I become more irritable. We need each other-- to encourage, pray, speak truth, laugh, cry, talk with. We just need community. And I don't mean someone that you can make small talk with. I mean true, raw, real, open community-- people that you can be genuinely yourself around. That is the kind of community that our hearts desire.

Today I had some community time, and it did my heart really well. I had some deep and genuine conversations. I laughed and reminisced. And my heart was at peace, knowing that God had placed those special people in my life at this moment-- this time of transition and vulnerability and at a time when I feel particularly fragile. I sensed God there and I rested.

All of this is meant to say-- find community. Go to church. Find friends who share similar interests. Go to community group. Find a community of people that will encourage you and lift you up and draw you closer to Him. We were meant for community. Lets live together, and love others together, and share His love together.

Happiness or Joy?

Happiness.

It seems to be the buzz word these days. Log onto pinterest for 5 minutes and there are cutesy little inspirational quotes that will say things like this:

 

Or I hear well meaning Christians say things like-- "Christians should be the happiest people in the world." 

While I understand that people sometimes need a little 'pick me up' and that happiness is a good thing, I do not think that it is the most important thing. In fact, I think that often times we will not be happy, and that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with us. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with our circumstances. It just means that we don't live in a perfect world, and I get concerned when I start seeing happiness being advertised as the 'be all-end all' of our lives. Its not. 

Sometimes we are going to have to do things that don't 'make us happy' but are right. Sometimes God asks us to do things that we're not thrilled about, and what concerns me is this-- if we're focusing so much on being happy that it becomes the goal of our lives, then we're going to come up disappointed when our best efforts at being happy 24/7 fail. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus or the prophets or Paul or any of the apostles teach that happiness is the 'right way.' Sure, we need to be grateful and live lives of thankfulness and gratitude. But hard things happen. People betray us. Lives are lost. Jobs are lost. Circumstances don't pan out the way we think they should. Its life. And If we make happiness the goal, I am afraid that we are going to spend a lot of days wondering what is wrong with us when we actually don't feel happy. 

Let me just tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. Its alright to be sad sometimes. Its all right to feel a full spectrum of emotion on many things. Jesus was not always happy. And His prayer in the garden, before His being brought before Pilate was not coming from a place of happiness. He was begging His Father to 'take this cup' from Him, if there was another way that God's plan could happen (Matthew 26:36-46). Jesus was not happy in that moment. And that is understandable. He was facing excruciating pain and hardships-- more than many of us will ever know. And I don't think Jesus' goal was to be happy, either. It was to please God. And He did please God by walking out in obedience.

I also think that this idea of 'do what makes you happy' is dangerous because sometimes what makes us happy is not good for us. Sometimes its harmful for us. Maybe doing drugs makes someone 'happy' but it is not good for the person doing it, or for those around them. It is bad, physically and mentally and will have far reaching consequences, often times. Sometimes speeding makes people happy, but it can result in huge fines, injury or death.

Lastly, happiness is a feeling. It is different than joy. As Christians, we talk about 'joy' often and I think sometimes happiness and joy are kind of thrown into the same category. But they are not the same. In fact, I would argue that they are vastly different. Happiness results from circumstances and it is a feeling that comes and goes. Joy can be constant. It is a deep conviction and belief that no matter what comes in this life, God remains the same and heaven is my home. Kay Warren says it much better than I can: "Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation." If someone buys me a smoothie, that makes me happy. If someone cuts me off in traffic, that makes me frustrated. If someone shouts at me, that makes me sad. These are all normal emotions to feel regularly. And we should not feel guilty when we are not happy. It is ok. Joy, however, remains despite circumstances.

Again, happiness is a good thing. I am not bashing happiness and saying that everyone should be walking around like glum Eyeore's. But I am saying that there are dangers when we focus on our happiness above all else. There are dangers when that becomes the goal of our lives-- to be happy. I think we need to enjoy the happy times, and also realize that sad times will come, and that is not a defect in our lives, it is a fact of life because we live in an imperfect world. Worshiping happiness is a problem, and it seems like its been on the rise lately. Please, if painting makes you happy then paint. If riding horses makes you happy, then by all means, ride horses. But don't use the excuse of wanting to be happy to justify poor decisions. That is where it becomes a slippery slope.

I read something the other day that said 'I would rather be honest than impressive.' And I think there is so much truth in that. Sometimes my honesty is not always butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes healing and life includes sadness and pain and hardships. That is life and if we're only ever seeking to be happy, I am afraid that we'll come up empty every time. We are not guaranteed happiness. But we are told that we can 'rejoice' in hardships and we can have continual joy because we know whose we are and who we are and because we know that this imperfect world is not the end. We can have joy in knowing that the life to come far outweighs this one and that that is what we're living for.This is our temporary home.

So where is your focus? Is it on being 'happy' all the time? Or is it on finding that deeper joy that comes from God alone? 

Joy from above is where its at. Focus on joy, not on happiness.