Letting Go

So, I changed the name of my blog. The idea came as I was lying in bed last night, trying and failing miserably at going to sleep. I am always the most creative while lying in bed-- its inevitable.

The title reflects what God is currently teaching me, and it signifies much of what this year meant for me. I am realizing the importance of letting go.

Letting go of my expectations of how God should work so that I can be excited about what He is doing.

Letting go of my selfishness to better love and serve others.

Letting go of the picture in my head of what my life and everyone else's lives should look like so I can submit to His plan and purpose (which is always better than mine!)

Letting go of what is behind, and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on to the goal... for which God has called me (Philippians 3:13-14).

Letting go of self to experience Him more fully. 

My prayer for 2014 is that God's people would learn to let go of control, worries, fears and walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4) and experience His freedom.  It is, after all, for freedom He's set us free (Galatians 5:1).

 So walk, in newness of life.

2013

How does one even begin to sum up a year in a single blog post? I know that this post will not do justice to what this year has been for me, but perhaps it will scratch the surface.

2013. Hands down the most challenging year of my life. No doubt about it-- so many unexpected twists and turns. At times it felt like I was on a roller coaster with my eyes closed and I couldn't stop. Sometimes it dipped. Sometimes it turned. Sometimes it went upside down. And while it was hard and scary, it was also exhilarating, exciting and I leave changed. 

The first six months of this year were spent in Montana-- my second home. I was finishing up the 9 month Bible course that had begun in September of 2012. Y'all, I saw the body of Christ displayed in a way which I hadn't ever quite seen it displayed before. The people-- staff, students, everyone are all sold out for Christ. They live for Him each day and they long to please Him and share Him with others. I made beautiful friendships while I was there and I experienced the sweet, sweet love of Jesus on a deeper level as I studied His word.

 But it wasn't all glitter, either. The first six months of this year were also some of the hardest of my life. I went through a bout of depression/spiritual warfare in January and February. I was sad and down and anxious and I didn't know why. I couldn't shake it. And it affected my relationships. I felt so lonely-- it was not anyone's fault, it was just what I was working through.

I remember waking up some mornings to pray with a friend, and just crying-- barely able to get any words out because I just felt such a sense of sadness. And it wasn't me. I am not a sad person. I am joyful-- but those two months were hard y'all.

That was when things started to 'get real.' We were encouraged, in our studies to ask the 'why' questions, but every time I did that, I felt like I was doubting my faith. And I actually had to stop and look my beliefs straight in the face and figure out why I believed. It wasn't enough for the answer to be 'because...' I had to understand. It had to be mine, and it was, but this was a time that solidified it even more.

 And, in March a really beautiful friendship began to form. I remember praying fervently before I started school, and it was simple-- I wanted a really close, 'best friend' while in Montana. Just when I wondered if God was even going to bring that about, a friendship happened. To this day I don't even remember how we first started hanging out. I think we happened to get into a conversation about how we both wanted to start working out on a regular basis, and then we began 'work-out partners.' Bang. We were friends. Literally the deepest-the-fastest friendship I have ever formed. But this girl is a gem, y'all. She spoke truth to me more times than I can count and God has used her mightily in my life over the past nine months. We cried together. Prayed together. Laughed together. Shared our lives. I am still blown away at how He knew exactly what I needed, and brought it at the perfect time.

And... she likes to craft. So that is also a bonus ;)

 God used Bible school to teach me about His intense love even more. He showed me His mercy-- from the time of creation through Jesus' life and every day that has ever existed, His mercy and love has gone before us. That is perhaps the most significant thing that studying the Bible for a year taught me. His love is wild. It cannot be understood and we will only ever just barely begin to scratch the surface with our understanding of it.

God was doing a lot in my heart during this time. He was uprooting some deep insecurities. He was speaking truth to places where I had believed lies for so long. And He was showing me places where I imprisoned myself with guilt and started gently removing that unnecessary guilt. And while I write this now, dry eyed, let me tell you, I was not 'dry eyed' during that time. I cried. All the time. It was painful and hard. Change always is. But it was so needed. And never once did His love not carry me through.

School ended at the end of June, and that was bittersweet for sure. But before it ended-- about 3 weeks before, I got a call from my sister back home, in Oregon, telling me that our mom had been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I can't tell you what that felt like. I was finishing SBS and was stressed beyond reason while also preparing to say 'good bye' to some of my closest friends, knowing that some I may never see again. And now this.

It was hard. It didn't make sense. But, something I can say for sure, throughout this time and my entire time in Montana is this-- I had peace. Sometimes that peace was threatened and anxiety knocked, but I remember just feeling this really beautiful, sweet presence of the Lord. And there was peace where it didn't make sense. My future-- my family's future was way up in the air, and yet I knew that we didn't walk alone. I can't explain it, because it is a peace that cannot be explained, but it is one of the surest signs that God was with us through the diagnosis.

Finally, graduation came. And there was much rejoicing. And many tears. And a whole lot of hugs.

And I went home on the train. With a whole nine months worth of Bible study and happenings to process through and a family life that was going to be quite different than what I had envisioned just a few weeks earlier.

I had six weeks of summer before starting back up at University. It was mostly spent with family. Doctors appointments. Chauffeuring. Getting stuff together for University.

And at the end of August my sister and I shuttled ourselves an hour south to come to University. And the adventure began. No, we are not roommates. We wanted to be social and meet other people.

So, for the past 3+ months I have been here, at University. I am still blown away that I get to study psychology-- something about which I am passionate and love deeply. I am blessed to have a beautiful hall of girls that bring joy to my life each day. And to be in a place that fosters Christian growth and that encourages us to live lives of service and devotion to God.

And it is beautiful. And a transition. I was a hot mess for the first couple of week. I hate change... ironic, I know, since it seems like for the past 2 1/2 years my life has consisted solely of change. But nonetheless, its a challenge for me.

I came into this year with a lot of expectations, and a lot of which weren't met in the way that I thought that they should be. That created some disappointment. Perhaps the biggest thing that God has taught me this year, aside from His great love and mercy is that I need to put aside my expectations and allow Him to work as He desires.

What a challenge. I so love control. But He gently shows me that He is in fact that One holding the reigns so to speak and He is worth of my trust. Man, why is trust so hard? I think its because I can be quite stubborn at times...

And at the end of the year, looking back to all that 2013 was, and looking forward to what He has in store for 2014 I can say with more confidence than ever before-- He is faithful. Through diagnoses. Through depression. Through change. Through loneliness. He never left. And His patience blows my mind.

Psalm 138

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;

before the gods I sing your praise;

2 I bow down toward your holy temple

and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things

your name and your word.

3 On the day I called, you answered me;

my strength of soul you increased.

4 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,

for they have heard the words of your mouth,

5 and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,

for great is the glory of the Lord.

6 For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,

but the haughty he knows from afar.

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,

and your right hand delivers me.

8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Strive. Strain... Rest.

Strive. Strain. Strive some more.

This has been my reality as of late. I've noticed an unhealthy lifestyle starting to take place. Its actually something that I've had to fight against for most of my life, but its been manifesting itself again recently.

With 17 credits, a part time job, community service hours to complete and an internship coming up, plus homework, church, relationships and hall events I'd say I'm pretty darn busy.

And yet even so, I often feel as though I'm not 'doing enough' for the kingdom. Its an unhealthy thought pattern, and I realize that. So I medicate by making sure that I am always involved in whatever it is that is going on around me. I serve meals at a local non-profit. I go to all of the dorm events. I have 27 coffee dates a week. I pray for people. And I wonder if in God's eyes I am 'doing enough.'

I recently sent a long, drawn out email to a friend about this very thing, and her response stung a little initially, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm grateful that she loves me enough to speak truth even when it isn't always pretty. She told me this:

"And, to me, because you are concerned about not speaking enough, shows that you are not trying to dodge your responsibility to speak when necessary. But it also shows that you have a mixed up view of what evangelism is in it's basic form. Each of us have been given different gifts. Ephesians 4 speaks of some of the gifts. Some are to be Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Shepherds, and others Teachers... but it is all for the building up of the body, unity in faith and knowledge of the Son of God. (v11-13) We are to operate in our giftings, and each one gift needs the others to get the full picture of Christ. Sometimes the evangelist's gift gets put on center-stage because it is is mainly the one up-front, but it is no more important than the teaching gift."

 

I often recognize this pattern in my life-- this nervousness that I am not 'doing enough', that I am somehow not making a difference because I am in a Christian community, I spend 90% of my time around people that essentially believe the same as I do and I feel like I'm not spreading the Gospel. It sounds silly when I write it, because God is so much bigger than my ideas of what 'being used' looks like. And yet, I know that I am not the only one that struggles with this idea.

And I also realize my tendency, within my Christian community to want to look like I have my ducks in a row. I am naturally a pretty open person. There isn't a lot that my close friends don't know about me. I am just a sharer of my life and I often talk about what I'm learning, what I'm struggling through and the things that I'm realizing about myself and the world around me. Even so, I often wonder what others might think when they see the selfishness that lives within me. The critical spirit that rears its ugly head. The self-righteous spirit that threatens unity. Those are the things that I fear other people seeing. Because I do not want to be self-righteous. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be critical. But I am. So often I am. 

I hate the selfishness that lives inside of me, and yet I realize, that in this I am also not alone. The longer I am in healthy Christian community, the more I realize the healing that comes when we just openly speak of our struggles, our hurtful habits and the things that we're not proud about. I'm pretty sure that is why James says:

 

 "Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed" (5:16, italics mine)

So I guess I am slowly learning that it really is alright that I don't have it together. Like even a little bit. No matter how much I wish that I did, I do not. And I know that Father knows that and He does have it together, so I can rest in that.

He's teaching me that I don't have to strive all the time. Striving ceases when one knows and understands their calling and knows to whom they belong. So I guess I'm still learning this as well. As I seek Him, He guides me and shows me what He has for me. Even if that is something that seems simple to me. Its not always massive and gigantic. Sometimes its encouraging a friend. Sometimes its smiling at someone who needs to see a friendly face. And sometimes its speaking truth to someone who is tangled in lies. 

So I am learning to rest. That has been the word for this year and let me tell you, it is a journey. Who knew resting could be so hard? It is. But its also a beautiful journey, and as I learn, I learn with others who are on similar journeys and who can encourage, pray for and help spur me on. I am grateful for the body.

I am broken. So broken. But I serve the One who is the very definition of what it means to be "whole". In that there is rest.

Food for Thought

"Every time that God is really doing something amazing in my heart its when everything was falling apart around me. Its like God says to me, 'No, its not your circumstances that need to change, its you...'" -Mike Donehey (Tenth Avenue North)

Don't wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotton beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.”

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

 

Someday...

Tonight was open mic night here at University.
And I went, and it was amazing.
There is so much talent.

And it got me thinking-- there are so many things that I've always wanted to do, that I've kind of always just said 'someday...'

I want to become fluent in Spanish.

I want to learn to cook really well.

I want to learn to play guitar or piano.

I want to sing well.

I want to become better at photography.

And yes, I am a college student. I am busy. I am working. I am taking 17 credits. But, I will always be busy. I will always have work. Family. Kids. Friends. Life doesn't get less busy as it goes on, I am convinced.

So now is a good time to start doing these things that I've always wanted to do. Today is when I am living. God has given me and each of us this time to live. We don't know what tomorrow holds, and I am convinced that when we look back on our lives, we will regret the things that we didn't do-- all of those things that we wanted to do but never got around to.

God loves when we explore and when we pursue passions. I know that He loves it when we step out and are willing to put in the hard work to do something that is challenging, but worthwhile.

So... that being said-- I am going home this weekend, and I will cook at least one dinner for my family while I'm home... (pray the house doesn't burn down...)

Seize the day!

Comfort.

This week has been rough.

Two exams today.

A psychology class that forces me to think about hard things. Broken things inside of me.

The rain started this week.

Missing friends.

Playing the comparison game.

Emotions flying high.

Its just been one of those weeks. And I wasn't thrilled with how I handled some situations today. And I am afraid that people aren't going to like me. That they're going to think I'm boring/dull/not understanding/irritable/not cool. And the truth is I really want people to like me. 

There. I said it. I do. I really do. I want people to like me. And I am scared of messing up and disappointing people. I am scared of doing things the wrong way. I am scared to step out of my comfort zone and walk in boldness. And I hate it.

I hate that my norm is just to stay and do what I've always done, because its safe. I hate that when I'm feeling that tug to step out and do something that might take a little more vulnerability than I am comfortable with, that I freeze. I don't know what to do, and I try to ignore it.

Because heaven forbid I am ever not comfortable. 

Except, that isn't what the gospel teaches at all. The gospel teaches that we will face uncomfortable situations. Its guaranteed. You sign up for it when you give your life to the Lord. But I like safe. I like to do what I know works. I like people to not think I'm weird.

And all of this has led me to realize that maybe I don't fully understand the gospel. Or maybe I've been living out of a gospel that is only partially 'the gospel' and partially worship of my own comfort. Why do I love my own comfort so much? Because its familiar. Its safe. Its what I know. And my ego is protected when I am comfortable. I don't have to look my own sinful nature in the face and change when I am comfortable.

That is a nice idea, but it isn't the gospel.

I was walking back to my dorm from class earlier this week, and I was talking to God. I told Him I wasn't sure that I could do it-- this whole studying Psychology thing. I told Him that it broke my heart to see people in situations where there was addiction and death and a sense of hopelessness. And He told me 'Hannah, that is exactly why you need to study Psychology.'

And in that moment I realized that this journey of learning about humans and the way that they're created and how we think and act and do things is going to be hard. Because we are sinful creatures. We don't do things that we ought to do. And we do things that we ought not to do. And we are broken. We are selfish. But perhaps, when we understand each other, we can love better. Because we're approaching our brothers and sisters from a place of empathy, not of ignorance.

It won't be comfortable, that much has already been made clear. But I know its what I am supposed to be studying. And its what I love-- even though its hard. Gut-wrenching. Heart breaking at times. I love it because there is hope. There is restoration. There is truth and transformation that takes place.

I am learning about discomfort. And I am learning how to have courage. I think I'll be learning these things for a long time.

I am also learning that things worth doing are seldom easy. But they're worth it. They always are.

So I sit here, realizing my own brokenness and inability. And I admit that I fail often. Daily. Hourly. But I serve the One who never fails. Even though life is not comfortable I know that He walks with me. People might not like me. People might discourage me. But the question arises in those cases-- Where is my identity and hope found? Is it in people or in God? I know the 'right' answer, but what does my life show?

My prayer is that we become men and women of courage and that we would pursue His kingdom over our comfort. Regardless of what others say. I want to please God, not man.