Waiting During Advent

Waiting.

It's almost like a four-letter word in our society. We despise waiting. Whether it's waiting in line at the grocery store or waiting for the internet to behave with a slow connection, these minor inconveniences can really cause angst. 

But what about when waiting is more than an inconvenience? What about when it's painful, confusing, disillusioned, disappointing and discouraging? The effects of waiting can have a far greater impact than simply being a brief, obnoxious slow down in our day. 

Waiting can of course be a good thing. Waiting for the right person to spend our lives with or waiting for the right job or right timing to pursue our interests and desires... waiting can be good and growing, no doubt.

Often though, waiting is just plain HARD. 

I was having a conversation with a friend today and we were chatting about this theme of 'waiting.' It looks different for the both of us, in the different seasons of life we find ourselves currently. But we are both waiting and have both felt the deep sting of hope deferred as Proverbs 13:12 states. I love how the Bible perfectly and succinctly sums it up - "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Ain't that the truth?

Our church is in a sermon series this advent season and one of the brief points mentioned on Sunday was the role Joseph played in the life of Jesus - he gets no lines in the play, but he is a key character. The angel appeared to Joseph in a dream in Matthew 1 and tells him what's up. Mary's gonna have a baby (oh yeah, they're engaged, and the baby isn't his -- scandalous) and is pregnant by the Holy Spirit (ok, not so scandalous, but very unusual...) and his name is to be Jesus. Matthew then refers back to the propecy in Isaiah 7:14 "Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and they shall call him Immanuel." This prophecy was given 740 years before Christ was born. Can you imagine waiting for the Christ-child say 300, 400, 500 years after it was prophesied? I imagine there were some God-fearing individuals who had a few questions for God, namely, "Uh God, did you forget your promise? How long will we have to wait? Can we even trust this promise...? It's been so long..." 

An interesting trait of God is, he's never in a hurry. He's not too late, nor too early. I often times have difficulty fully getting on board with his timing, but he doesn't consult me first. It reminds me of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings. He tells Frodo "A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to." While humorous in the context it was written, how true it is for God. He gets to write a story of redemption across all creation through the millennia -- nope, not in a hurry. 

In fact, if you find yourself in a long period of waiting also, you're in good company. Waiting seems to be the human condition since the dawn of time.

*I do not own these images and give full credit to the image authors.

A few examples - 

Joseph in the book of Genesis, waiting to be let out of prison, having been falsely accused of indecency.

Abram & Sarah also in the book of Genesis, waiting for a child, for 90 and 100 years -- even back then, this was WAY past childbearing years.

Job waiting for an explanation and redemption of all he had lost -- his family, home, livestock and health.

The people of Israel after being freed from the oppressive hand of Pharaoh in Egypt wait 40 years to enter the promised land, wandering and eating manna from heaven.

The woman with the issue of blood, the cripple, the beggar and all the rest in the New Testament waiting for someone to just look their direction with compassion and maybe spare a few cents for their next meal. Their real desire was healing, and Jesus met them there.

All believers are also waiting for the return of Christ.

So, waiting is unavoidable. It's 'in our blood' you could say. It doesn't make the waiting easier to know that thousands of others have experienced similar pain and heartache, but it is comforting to know we're not alone in it. 

In the periods of waiting, I've found some of my deepest and most honest conversations with God. I've been real and raw; I think that honors him. He doesn't want my masquerade -- he desires my authenticity. God in his goodness knows that sometimes waiting is the very thing that draws us back to his throne room of grace, back to his feet. There he meets us and ministers to our heavy and downcast hearts.

So as we look toward Advent, the celebration of the birth of Jesus, we also remember the thousands who waited for him after the prophecy in Isaiah was spoken. 

We realize we are not alone in our waiting, and God can handle our true, raw and honest thoughts. And though his timing almost assuredly looks different than ours, he will not tary.

"Yet a little while and the coming one will come and will not delay..." (Habakkuk 2:3)

On Hearing God's Voice

There have been several times throughout my adult life where God has clearly spoken and I knew it was him, but it made no sense (at least in the moment) what he was doing. And yet, those truths he spoke and brought to pass have been some of the sweetest realities of my life (i.e. Matt and I's entire relationship). 

So here we are once again, this dance of the Lord speaking and asking me to trust and have confidence that I can and do hear him. My kitty, Blaze has been gone for 4 days. We have no idea where he is and we've done everything we can think of to locate him, and I mean everything. I prayed and asked a few friends to pray a few days back. Matt, my friend Jen and myself all got this peace - this sense, that Blaze will be back. He wasn't a late night snack for a coyote or starving in someone's basement... he is safe and he will come home again. Encouraging, right?

Except... fear, doubt, insecurity all breathe down our necks in these moments. I'd rather just stay silent than share with everyone that I am believing and I know Blaze will come home. Fear of man is a big motivator here - I don't want to be thought of as a 'health & wealth' Gospel advocate - I'm not. I also don't want to doubt God's voice. It's a tricky space. To add another layer, what if it doesn't happen?! 

The confusion, disappointment and disillusionment of trying to wade through that is enough to make my head spin. Would that mean I actually don't hear God's voice? Was it just wishful thinking all along that I contributed to God? Is God breaking his promise to me? It's not an easy thing to navigate (I also don't think that threatens God in the least). So, I shove it back, try not to give it much brain space and I move forward. 

It causes me to go back, waaayyy back -to the dawn of time. Wasn't the first trick the devil used to get Eve to doubt what God had said about eating the fruit of the tree? (Genesis 3:1-5)

 "Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that God had made. 

He said to the woman 'Did God really say you shall not eat of any tree in the garden?' 

And the woman said to the serpent 'We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, but God said 'You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.' 

But the serpent said to the woman 'You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it, your eyes will be opened, knowing good and evil..." 

And we know how the story goes - she eats (meanwhile her husband is standing there listening to this interaction, and says/does nothing), Adam eats and they are ashamed and embarrassed and they hide from God. It's an age old story - and one that we can probably all recount in our own lives (the embarrassment, shame and hiding). 

And yet, God does not leave them in their shame. He comes to them, looking for them, longing to continued relationship. What a good Father we serve!

The serpent's first trick was to make Eve doubt what God had said  - and, did you notice that she added an extra clause about what God said? She said 'we shall not eat it, or touch it. God actually didn't say that. Check out Genesis 2:15-17 - God's only command was that they not eat of the fruit of that particular tree. I think once the serpent started confusing Eve, she got mixed up herself, truly thinking they weren't to touch the tree. That's how it goes, isn't it? We can't remember up from down and we get all mixed up once we start doubting God, questioning what he said and trying to analyze every facet of it...

I find a great deal of comfort in the words from John 10:27- Jesus speaking, short and direct here- 

My sheep listen to my voice, I know them and they follow me. 

He goes on in the following verses to talk about how his sheep will not follow another master, because they don't know that master's voice. Of course, us being the 'sheep' and him being the 'master.' Its a pretty clear passage. It doesn't say his sheep might listen to his voice. They do listen to it. 

Practice - it takes practice, just like any skill we acquire, but hearing God's voice is a given for his children. It's not saved for a select 'few.' It's for all his sheep. It looks different for each person (I love that about God - he's creative and unique in his approach to his kids, just like any good parent would be.) But they undoubtedly hear his voice.

God has been challenging me on two specific things this week, in searching for Blaze.

1. Do I believe that I truly can be confident in my ability to hear him speak?  

2. Do I believe that what he says is true? 

The first challenge involves my knowing that I am capable and confident. Doubt doesn't get to drive the ship when we're God's children. It gets a seat (because any true faith has at some point involved doubts) - but it doesn't get to be the driving force in how we live our lives.

The second challenge is more about how I see God. Is he a God that just withholds, says "no" and takes away? Or... is he a loving father who delights in giving good gifts to his children? Is he big enough to speak to me and open my heart to hear and process what he's saying? Is he faithful to what he's promised? 

I think of the many, many promises of God in scripture. 

Abram and Sarah would have a son (at 90+ years old!) They waited 20 years after that promise was made before it happened.  

Israel, after they were freed from the oppressive hand of Pharaoh in Egypt, would enter the promised land. But they'd first wander in the desert for 40 years.

Mary, a virgin, would have a son who would be the Savior of the world.

Ya know, just small stuff. And yet, God came through. Every time, he came through.

God is not one to withhold just to see us squirm. He is not one to enjoy seeing us suffer. He is a father - and not just that, but a good father. He speaks, and his sheep hear his voice. 

So, I don't know where Blaze is. I don't know if he's safe or not. It's painful and hard to be in the middle - having no answers and ALL the questions. I do believe God told me Blaze would come home. Time will tell how it turns out, but regardless of outcome there will be a learning to trust, learning to listen, learning to engage and ask questions when I don't understand. 

Maybe this was a lesson for my spiritual enrichment all along. God is creative and never wastes an opportunity. I am thanking him for that today, and learning to tune my ear to hear his voice, as he graciously guides.

When the World Falls Apart

This week has been a doozy, to put it lightly.

Life seems to go like that sometimes - everything hits at once and it can be disorienting and devastating. And all this while Covid and social distancing continues to rage. 

This past week in my community there has been a miscarriage, unexpected death of a child, and a covid diagnosis. I found out that another in my circle's marriage is ending due to infidelity and there have been multiple shootings, at a school, an airport and a FedEx plant. 

Outside of that, I know an individual that has been in the job hunt for some time now, still looking. Fractured friendships and the daily stress of keeping house, job, chores, rest... It's exhausting.

I've seen a greater level of jaded hearts and spirits during this past year... even those that are close to me or have a solid foundation have struggled with keeping an encouraging outlook. I get it, honestly, it's been a crappy year for many and the reality of covid stress just makes the hardships and tragedies that much more painful.

The political, racial and social unrest in the United States has been off the charts and it can be nauseating to keep up with it all. 

2020 did not go as any of us expected, and 2021 is not looking too much different... Sigh. It's enough to make one sick. Or curl up and hide. Or cry big, deep, cleansing tears... maybe a combination of all three...

What do we do when the world falls apart? 

What do we do when it seems like everywhere we turn there is pain and hurt and devastating loss?

What do we do? 

I wish I could wrap my arms around these situations, pick them up and throw them in the ocean, never to be seen or thought of again. And of course, I can't.

I don't have all the answers (not even close) and honestly, I find myself feeling helpless and questioning what can I do more often than I'd like. 

But I have learned a few things through grief, tragedy, sorrow and pain...

I've learned to adjust expectations of myself and my community. I allow more time to get ready in the morning, knowing my brain needs to process and that may make me move more slowly. I don't put as much pressure on myself to be as productive through the day because I realize that body, soul and spirit are intertwined and rest is needed for all three.

I've learned to reach out to others. These days it may look like a phone or video chat, or it may be in person. Reaching out is the key. I've realized that no one can fix the broken hearts that come as a side effect of tragedy, but it is healing to have a listening ear, a friend or family member to just allow that natural process to happen as they sit with me through it.

I've learned to get outside. I've been in my own house a lot this past year, with primarily working from home this past year. I sit with my own thoughts, by myself all day long and sometimes that can bring discouragement. Getting outside for a walk, even making work phone calls from the back deck or just breathing extra deep as I walk across the street to check the mail have been cleansing for my body physically and emotionally.

I've learned that this world is not my final destination. When I think about what life would look like without the understanding of a perfect and glorious eternity ahead, I can understand the hopelessness that seems to permeate our world. This world is marred by sin, tragedy and pain. Thankfully, in eternity with God, there is wholeness, healing and relationship. What a comforting truth - this is truly not the best it gets for those that trust in Him.

You wanna know something else? 

The one who is dealing with infidelity beamed with gratitude for how helpful her friends have been in making sure her and her kids had a place to live, and furniture in her home. She told me how God has been there for her every step and how this year, even though she's watched Satan wreak havoc all over, she has been closer to God than ever.

The one that had the miscarriage told me that they're resting and recovering.

The ones who lost a child are not alone, and have a rich community of friends and family around them. 

While these truths don't fix the tragedies, they do provide a glimpse into the goodness that still exists in our (broken & sinful) world. I could be here all day sharing about the good work and amazing miracles that have taken place in this past year. 

One of the best depictions of the nuance of emotion I've seen portrayed in the media is through the 2015 animated movie "Inside Out". This gives a refreshing look at the richness that comes when emotions can exist simultaneously... happiness and sadness in the same memory. Anger and disgust at the same thought. It's part of what makes us wholehearted humans, and image bearers of our Father in heaven.

 

I have told you these things that you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. 

                                            - Jesus' words in John 16:33

On Covid-19 and Sheltering In Place

The news is swirling with constant articles, updates and arguments regarding this worldwide pandemic known as Covid-19 (or coronavirus). We can't go a day without hearing something more about it - positive or negative. No doubt, these are unprecedented and wild times we're living in. These times are also full of uncertainty, fear, confusion and grief for many. Loss of jobs, income, security... it's not easy. I've felt some of these fears along with my fellow neighbor.

Along with this, though, I've sensed a great sigh of relief from so many individuals. Somehow, it took a global pandemic to force us to slow down. I can't speak for others, and I fully understand the hardships that many are suffering through at this time - I don't take that lightly. But honestly, this time has been so, so good for me. I didn't realize the moderate level of stress I was carrying around on a daily basis until that burden was lifted.

There was nothing huge that was causing stress - I live a solid and rewarding life. It was just the daily grind - waking up on time, picking out work clothes, fighting traffic, running from meetings to appointments, racing against the clock, planning a wedding, driving back and forth...and doing it all again the next day, and the day after that... It was getting to me and I didn't realize it until just a few weeks ago.

This time has brought a deep calmness to my heart and soul. My commute is great- it's about 10 steps, from my room to the living room. I don't have to fight with traffic, worry about a jam packed calendar, making it to numerous meetings on time, having unforeseen appointments arise... don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job and my life, but the slower pace is so welcome right now. Working from home has proved to be a blessing in disguise.

I'm pulling weeds in the yard, working on painting projects with Matt, taking evening strolls, calling friends, watching lots of 'guilty pleasure' shows, cleaning the house, reading, praying, worshiping. And my heart, mind and life are uncluttered. From my observations, it actually seems like our world is more connected now than ever. We may not be able to meet in person, but it seems like we're checking up on each other more, calling, texting, video chatting... making sure we're looking out for one another, and that is beautiful.

My prayer for this time is that we come away changed. I pray that we embrace a slow and peaceful rhythm as a new way of life. I pray we value family and friends on a deeper level. I pray we learn that being 'busy' is not a sign of worthiness. I pray we pursue the simple, important things.

I'm a firm believer that God loves surprising us, his people, with showing up in ways and times that are least expected. I've seen it time and time again in my own life. It brings great comfort to know that He is 'God with us' and he is making all things new.

This time is not a time of refreshment or peace for so many. If you are in need of prayer, help or a listening ear, please don't hesitate to reach out. We're in this together. You matter. One day at a time.

The Art of Humility

Last night I watched a Dr. Phil episode that involved a married couple, of which the husband was open about having an affair - a girlfriend on the side as well as many one night stands. He had been married to his wife for 23 years.

Today I read about a famous family - the biological dad has been in and out of prison on drug, alcohol and other such charges. This caused the mother, who now has her own family including two additional children with her current husband, to file a restraining order against biological dad because of his erratic and threatening behavior.

Before you judge me for ingesting trash, let me share what I noticed about these instances.

Both had something in common.

The perpetrator blamed the 'other'. The married man blamed his wife. If she had been more loving and had met his needs maybe he wouldn't have had an affair. And the guy with the restraining order blamed the biological mom for the reason that his relationship with his 10 year old son was strained.

What the actual hell?!

I reeled in disbelief. Is this really what our society has come to? An inability to take an honest look inward and admit fault and sin when it is clearly present? It seems we're more interested, as a society in saving face and covering for ourselves that we recklessly wound everyone around in an effort to not have to admit fault. It saddens and sickens me.

I'm preaching to the choir. If we're honest, we all do it. No one likes to admit wrongdoing. But it is imperative if we are going to live healthy lives and raise healthy children. Because not admitting fault leads to entitlement and entitlement creates the Brock Turner's of the world.

You know what's attractive and admirable, more than 'being right' and 'saving face'? Honesty. Integrity. Admitting fault. Humility. Gentleness.

This world doesn't give participation medals just for being present. And quite frankly, it doesn't matter if you are married to Cruella Devil - that never excuses infidelity. And blaming your baby mom for a strained relationship with your child when you've been reckless, irresponsible and a terrible example... It doesn't fly.

I'm not a mom yet, but I've spent a lot of time with kids. They are a treasure - each of them, but the moments I was most proud of my preschoolers was when they went out of their way to think of someone else. When they were kind and when they said sorry for hurting someone. I am convinced that if we can teach our children character and values above materialism and popularity, it will absolutely change the world.

So my plea to you, to the world and to myself is - don't be afraid of saying sorry when you mess up. It's a human reality. We all mess up. And humility looks good on you.

(By the way, for those that are Jesus followers - the ground at the cross is level. We are all equal at the foot of the cross. I also find it humorous and appropriate that the apostle Paul doesn't mince words when speaking to the church at Galatia about this subject):

On the New Year

As I reflect on a new year, looking back to the one just complete and forward to the brand new ahead, I am grateful and my heart is filled with peace. I have no huge, lofty resolutions or aspirations for 2019 - I do have things I'd like to do and accomplish, but they're more of general lifestyle shifts and adjustments. They're not so easily measured - they're mental shifts I guess you could say. I find that for me, adjustments and focus on new things are more attainable than a specific, lofty goal for the year (like going to the gym 5x a week or traveling to 3 new states).

Last year in March, as I was about to enter my 27th year, I felt specifically like the Lord said my 27th year would be one of peace, intimacy and joy. I'll spare you all the details, but let's just say six months in I looked back with confusion, defeat and doubt, questioning how the words the Lord had spoken could be true. It certainly didn't feel peaceful or joyful. I had/have plenty of wonderful things that I am grateful for - a job I love, friends and family that are supportive, a great church and a boyfriend that is steadfast and loving. It just seemed I was having a hard time experiencing the joy that I expected from all of this. I think I fell into a sort of depression for a while and I was tired. 

Now, 3/4 of my way through my 27th year I am beginning to see glimmers and sparks of that wonderful peace and joy that was promised back in March. 2018 and my 27th year did not look as I anticipated (does it ever?!) and yet I learned the value of waiting patiently, believing that the Lord speaks truth and pressing in to him when everything seems confusing. I've also learned to let go of a lot of expectations that do not serve me or those around me.

I guess going into 2019 I hope to love the Lord a little more fully, serve others a little more faithfully, take care of myself more regularly and simply learn to enjoy the present. The sticklers out there would say these are not 'good' goals because good goals must be attainable and measurable. These are more general principles or ideas. But honestly, I don't care, because for me, while the new year does bring new opportunities, so does each new day.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end

they are new every morning

great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

An interesting note on the book of Lamentations - it is named that because it is just that, a book of lament. After a difficult and challenging season and much destruction and desolation (of the city and temple) Jeremiah pens this book. It is essentially a book of grieving, and yet, he stops long enough to remember God's faithfulness and praise him in the midst of the grief and sorrow of his people. 

I am learning that there is always reason to praise. 

I am also learning that I don't need to wait until the 'new year' to make important changes. His mercies are new every morning. 

I am thankful that each day is a new chance to grow and praise and serve the Lord and others more fervently. 

2019, I'm ready for you and look forward to you with grateful anticipation. 

The Art of Self Care

It's been a busy, full and emotional few weeks for yours truly. Work has been full-- it's just the Spring season as we're prepping for some large events. And things in my personal life have been a bit taxing as well. Sometimes it feels like when it rains, it pours. I say that not from a place of bitterness, but just as an observed fact.

As someone who has struggled with general anxiety and a propensity to 'over-commit' for most of my life, I've learned to develop some self-care habits. This looks a little different for each person, but I've noticed there are a few common threads that a large majority of society can relate to, as far as things that bring refreshment and peace to a weary heart. I wanted to share some of my insights with you today, in hopes that, as a society we can truly become peaceful, joyful and refreshed individuals who aren't frantically running a million miles an hour, burning ourselves (and probably those around us) out.

'Rest' is a difficult concept for many. We're a society of 'doers' and we've been taught that our productivity is of utmost importance, because, quite frankly, that is where many gain their identity. For those that consider themselves Christians, rest, sabbath rest is in the Bible. God rested after creating the world and mankind. He didn't need to rest-- He is GOD, after all. He rested as an example to follow. Sabbath rest teaches us that the world continues to spin even when we're not doing anything-- God doesn't need our help. That should bring comfort.

"Self- care" is one of those phrases that seems to have made it's way into our lingo in the last decade or so, but I'm sure glad it did. These 'self care' tactics are ones I've found most helpful in my life:

Put down the phone (or ipad, laptop etc.)
I know, I cringe at this one too. We're a tech society and we have become dependent on our devices. Right now, I'm typing on my laptop, and my phone is to the left of me. Life feels a little more vulnerable, and I feel a little less control when I don't have my phone. But research has shown the negative effects of extended amounts of screen time... Put it down. You'll feel more centered, level-headed and more in touch with the world around you (ironic huh... feeling more in touch when we put our devices down...)

Get outdoors
Maybe that means camping, hiking or boating. Or maybe it's just something simple like taking a walk around the block or reading in the sunshine. I cannot tell you the number of times I've been worn out from battles I was fighting in my mind and I stepped outdoors, and for a few brief moments, my anxieties melted away and I was refreshed. Maybe it's the smell of the outdoor air, or the vitamin D, or just the fact that we were created to spend a whole lot more time outdoors than we do... but there is something that changes in our bodies and minds when we spend just a few minutes embracing creation in all of it's glory.

Practice saying 'no'
I am admittedly bad at this, but I have improved drastically over the past few years. This goes back to the concept of Sabbath rest. The world will not implode if we stop producing for a while. Seriously, try it. We are a worn out society because we feel unable, or unwilling to say 'no' to anything, for fear that we might miss out, that we'll let someone down, or that we'll be viewed as boring. I've said 'no' a few times in my life, and ya know, I was always glad I set aside time to just 'rest' and 'be.' I wasn't focused on 'doing' or 'producing', I was focused on being present, and it brought deep refreshment to my soul.

Find your rhythm
Let me unpack this a bit... each person has a different capacity and different needs. Some people have a large capacity and need to stay busier (notice I didn't say busy...) than others. Some have a smaller capacity and need significant 'down time' to be healthy. I am kind of middle of the road. I've realized that on the weekends, I need a plan. If I go into the weekend with nothing on the agenda I find myself bored, anxious and moody. On the other end, if I go in with a 'filled to the brim, busy-every-second weekend' I find myself anxious, moody, resentful and weary. Neither is good. I have found that my sweet spot is having one or two medium sized commitments each weekend. Maybe that looks like tackling a house project on Saturday and going to church and small group on Sunday. It varies, but the concept works. Find your rhythm.

Practice mindfulness
I get that this sounds very modern and 'new age-y', but there is something that happens biologically and mentally when we stop to focus on our breathing for a while. When we focus on taking deep breaths in and out and learn to simply focus on our current circumstances-- the chair beneath us, the air on our skin, the breath going in and out of our lungs. One resource I've found particularly helpful is headspace-- it's just a mindfulness app that leads you through 10 minute sessions of practicing 'being'. I've always come away calmer afterward. They can be found here: https://www.headspace.com/

Find your tribe
These are your people. The ones that know all about you and love you anyway. Some folks are more prone to 'verbally processing' than others, but regardless, having a few people in your inner circle wards off loneliness, shame and fear that often rears it's head in the silence and isolation of our own minds and hearts. These people support and speak truth when you need it. They are safe people.

Pray
I get that this sounds very 'Christian-y' and might not appeal to all. That's fine. But I've found in my own life that praying-- being completely honest with God about where I'm at, my fears, anxieties, joys, victories, hardships and everything in between has brought deep peace, even to situations that didn't have resolve. It brings perspective that we often lack on our own. Not to mention there are a ton of verses in the Bible that talk about praying and the power it possesses, but that is another post for another time. :)

There are dozens more ways to practice self-care, but these are some of the ones I've found most effective in my life.

What self care practices have you found most helpful?

Choice.

There have been a handful of times in my life that I have clearly heard the voice of the Lord, directing me a specific way.

There have been thousands of times that I've heard the Lord speak in general-- reminding me of truths of who He is, and who I am. Reminding me of His 'will' and His character. He's brought peace, joy and contentment when I least expected it. I cannot deny or overlook his fingerprints and presence on my life journey.

There have also been numerous (probably hundreds) of times that I have prayed, sought, asked for wisdom and desperately wanted to hear the Lord's opinion on a decision I needed to make. And sometimes I heard him, or at least had a sense of peace (another way I believe the Lord guides). I love specific direction. He knows this. And because of this tendency to need/want every stop along the way to be mapped out, he has also sometimes put the GPS back in my hands and has said "Your choice."

For some, being told that they get to choose would be heaven. For me, it felt like a death sentence. You see, somewhere along the timeline of my childhood years, I believed that if I got it 'wrong' there would be catastrophic consequences. I believed it was crucial to get it right. And that crippled me.

I was the rule-following child. I was the one that knew exactly what I believed to be right and wrong. I was the one that held tightly to my values and did not waver. This has both benefits and drawbacks. I was never wishy-washy in my beliefs. But I was also rigid and terrified of losing 'control' (that wasn't even mine to begin with).

As I entered my adult years, this way of thinking slowly started unraveling. The Lord gently showed me, through chapel speakers, books, conversations with wise friends and a myriad of other occurrences that actually, He's big enough to work in and through and despite my decisions. And that, contrary to popular belief, The 'okayness' of the world was not dependent on my ability to perfectly maneuver life.


Do not mishear me. God does guide and he does give specific direction and works in ways that are mind blowing-- what we often call 'God stories'- the only way it can be explained is 'God.' I love those moments. I've got many that I am grateful for. But God is also not a dictator. He gives general principles and guidelines, like any good Father, to keep us safe, but he does not dictate every move, every decision and every step of our lives.

I love that he also knows his kids. Earthly parents often parent their children differently, based off of the child's needs and tendencies. For a child that is more prone to impulsion and risky behavior, they may hold to some stricter guidelines, to protect the child and bring some structure to their life. For a child that is a rule-beater and a perfectionist, they will likely have more flexible standards, because they know that child is less likely to engage in behavior that is 'risky'.

In my own life, this has translated to the Lord more often than not making allowing me to choose. As long as my decision is not unwise or sinful, and follows the earmarks laid out in scripture, I am free to decide whether I'd like to attend this University or that University. I am free to decide whether I'd like to pursue music or art. I can decide if I want to move or stay put. I can even choose who I date and marry.

I've started to wonder if God, allowing his children choice, still showing up, and leaving his God fingerprints all over those decisions isn't sometimes more of a testimony than Him showing up when He's given specific instructions.

You see, I lost my mom at 23, at the beginning of my senior year of University. I was an R.A. and a Psych major and it broke me for several months. I was in a fog, and felt everyday like I was trying to peddle a bike uphill, in first gear. I was exhausted. And God, in His providence, brought the perfect people to my life during that season of grief. People that were kind, generous, not afraid of discomfort, and who allowed me to grieve as I needed. This is what I call a 'God moment' (or season, in this case).

However, as crucial as these friends and confidantes were, I also believe he would have brought those people to me if I had attended a different University. And what a cool thing to realize that God was not limited by my decision in that moment. He knew what was going to happen on September 14, 2014. He was not surprised by the death of my mom. And if I had gone to University in Texas or Wisconsin, or Maine, he also would have showed up and brought good, God-fearing, genuine friends to walk me through that season. He worked in the midst of the decision I had made, because His power and ability was/is not limited by my choices. I think that shows the 'bigness' and creative heart of God sometimes more than when He shows up and I expect him to. You see, when He gives me a specific direction, I expect Him to show up. When He doesn't give me specific direction, I sometimes doubt if He'll show up.

I think of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden-- paradise on earth. God gave them one rule. They were not to eat from the tree in the middle of the garden, and if they did, they would die (Genesis 2 & 3). I imagine that was enough for them. I doubt they stopped and asked God before they ate from the plum tree in the corner of the garden, if that was alright. I doubt they asked before they sucked the nectar from the a peach from the north edge of the garden if that was allowed. That would have been silly and unnecessary, because God had already given them the guidelines, and anything within those guidelines was fair game. They could enjoy it to their heart's content. They could also choose to not eat any fruit or berry that they didn't enjoy. They were, outside of God's one rule, free to partake without fear. They were free to choose.


And, I believe, we are also free. We are free to partake as long as it doesn't contradict God's character or guidelines he's already laid out. We are free to partake as long as it doesn't go against something He's clearly spoken to our hearts and consciences (1 John 3:21, 1 Timothy 4).

What hope this brings to souls that are in need of rest, grace and truth. We are in Him and He is in us. There is an automatic freedom we walk in, knowing that, even if we do stumble, His grace, mercy and Father's heart is big enough, strong enough and willing enough to pick us back up, brush off our skinned knees, and continue to walk with us, enjoying the scenery, whether that is mountains and trees, or rivers and meadows. There is much to be learned and gained from each landscape, and, I am convinced, that He, the creator of it all, enjoys each new season and each new bend in the road.

This is freedom. 

The Art of De-Cluttering

I used to think that growing up and becoming an adult was an uninterrupted journey upward. Like I would become incredibly well-rounded, amazingly great at handling all of life's problems and I would just get better and better.... whatever that means.

Having actually entered adulthood and realizing what a shit-show it can be, I rescind that idea. Maybe it's because it just hasn't been the way things have panned out. Sure, I've gotten better at resolving conflict, I've learned breathing techniques to practice when I feel like panicking, and I actually pack my own lunch before I go to work every morning. Gold stars all around.

In reality, life seems to work more like a roller coaster-- high points filled with hope, ecstasy and enjoyment and dips filled with anxiety, fear and despair. And there is a lot of middle ground, and some loops and twists and turns. None of them can be labeled "good" or "bad" per se, but they just are. It's a part of life.

Maybe it's also because I've felt extremely incapable of juggling all that life has thrown my way recently. I've found myself cycling mentally-- unable to get out of slumps. I realize that things don't just 'get better' the older we get. It does seem that life gets sweeter. Anxiety lessens, we learn to let go of things that aren't a big deal and our friendships deepen... but I don't become more and more superhuman just because I've traveled one more cycle around the sun.

In some ways, this is disheartening. It's discouraging to realize your naive hopes of somehow becoming 'the one who has it all together' are a fantasy. Expectations kill.

In the same breath, it's liberating. Because people seem to open up more and be more willing to share their crap as life goes on as well. Vulnerability increases. Confidence increases. I have learned of massive happenings from my childhood friends' lives more as an adult than I ever did as a child. We wade through the muck together and there is community building in that. I wouldn't trade that for a fantasy of perfection any day. The beauty that comes from deeper and more intimate relationships is priceless. It's what happens when we're willing to admit that we too, (along with the rest of the world) don't have it all together.

All that to say, I've felt pretty exhausted lately. For numerous reasons. I'm realizing it's time to do some "winter cleaning"-- some de-cluttering of my life. Feel free to check in and hold me accountable as to how this 'de-cluttering' is going. It's not so much of a material de-cluttering, although that is always helpful. It is more of a mental and spiritual de-cluttering.

I came to the realization recently, while texting a friend about a continual issue in my life, that I often struggle to discern the voice of the Lord over my own voice, or the voice of the world, because there is too much clutter floating in my head. It's a constant stream of input. Netflix. Youtube. Facebook. Pinterest. People's opinions. Blogs. None of these bad, but all of these adding to the chaos in my brain.

So, it's time for some brutal pruning. It's time to cut back my media and internet time and spend more time in nature, painting, hiking, reading and doing other things that refresh and bring clarity.

Maybe this is a New Year's Resolution. It sure seems to be coming at the perfect time. Maybe it's just a reality. Either way, I want to ring in 2018 with a de-cluttered mind and heart. And a heart that knows what it is to have peace in Him.

Maybe it's time for you to do the same. Join me?

An Amateurs Thoughts on Modern Dating

Maybe its just me, but I'm not really into modern dating...

I know, dating is supposed to be fun. But honestly, in my experience it's been exhausting. Trying to interpret the 'signs' and putting myself out there enough, but not too much. And not being able to go out on a date without eyebrows raised, asking about when the wedding is.

Good lord.

No wonder there are so many hurting hearts and folks getting strung along for a year, two, three, because no one is rising up to communicate with honor and respect.

It feels like a maze. But with trap doors and pits and dead ends all over.

I'm kind of over it.

I've been told that I'm an old soul and that I'm old school. I'm alright with both of those labels-- because they're true. And because I think there is actually a lot of untapped goodness of being 'old school'.

I don't think that men have do to the asking out. But I sure hope they will.

I cannot explain the value, trust, honor, character and courage it communicates when the men do the asking.

Also, when you're straightforward about your intentions, you gain mad respect in my book. No one is proposing marriage on the first date, but you think I'm interesting? Tell me. Want to get to know me better. Communicate that.

Its hard. I get it. Being honest about our deep and inward thoughts and feelings always is. But its also the most worth it thing. Its also a really solid foundation to start building a relationship on. Communication is key to healthy relationships.

Dating is hard. I don't think it has to be, but I think because humans are complicated, and there are emotions and hormones and infatuation and over-analyzing involved, it gets messy pretty quickly.

But I believe we can date better. I believe we can honor and respect one another by being straightforward.

I believe we can show strength of character and godliness while dating by being willing to courageously communicate about things that matter, from the get go. 

So, maybe its just me that isn't really that fond of modern cultural dating, but I have a feeling I'm not alone in this...

After all, good communication shows respect and love to others, and they will know we are Christians by our love, right?

We can do better.


*Matt Chandler, pastor of the Village Church has been an influence on my life-- he speaks about this phenomenon here. Also, our dating issues relate back to both men and women. We can all do better.

Blogger Krysti Wilkinson has been another influence on my thoughts regarding dating. Soak in the words below, as many of my thoughts were spurred by this, and other similar blog posts: 

http://krystiwilkinson.com/why-are-you-single/

On Letting Things Not Get Done

Boundaries.

Something our culture struggles with. Big time.

Something I have struggled with most of my life.

This is not a new concept for me. I've been mulling over it for quite some time. And as simple of a concept it is, actually living it out has been so hard but also transformative in my personal life.

I was walking with a friend a few weeks ago, around the baseball fields a mere two blocks from my home. We've walked it many times in our years of friendship. I was telling her that I am at a place in my life where I have to be alright with things not getting done. Our house is a mess 95% of the time. There is clutter and un-vacuumed floors. There is laundry and dishes piled high in the sink. We suck at grocery shopping (and despise it) and keeping the basic food continually stocked is a major chore. Its just the time in life that we find ourselves...

Dad is finishing building a home for our family. Its a full time job, and an exhausting one. I am working full time and have an active social life outside of that. I just switched jobs and now have an hour and a half commute round trip. My sister is home, but is prepping for Grad School in a few short weeks and catching up with friends before she goes.

Life doesn't slow down. 

For someone who values tidiness, organization and order, this can be an issue. It used to bother me to no end when the house was a mess. I used to feel embarrassed, and unable to rest until it was orderly again. So I would spend my extra time cleaning and wear myself out when I should have been resting, being refreshed and doing things that filled my heart.

Now, I understand the insatiable need some of us have to clean. I have always felt like my ability to rest hinges on more than having a spot to lay my head... my surroundings also played into it to a large degree. If my surroundings felt orderly, my mind could rest easily. If my surroundings felt chaotic, so did my mind. Some will understand this plight. Others won't. That's alright.

Even so, I realized recently that all of my running around, trying to check off boxes of my imaginary 'to do' list was often more harmful than helpful. I found myself equally as drained at the end of a weekend as I was after a week of work... I was not being refreshed and constantly felt the need to 'fix' and 'change' my environment so I could 'rest', but I was never actually resting. The work is endless. There is always something more to be done. That is the nature of being an involved adult.

So, slowly, through conversations with the Lord, and through sheer need, I started to 'let go' of some of this incessant need to have things neat, tidy and orderly. I stopped running to the store four times a week because there was something else we forgot last time. I stopped letting it bother me so much when things didn't feel up to par with how I wanted them. I let them go. And I started valuing rest. And setting boundaries.

I truly believe that learning to rest, and setting boundaries go hand-in-hand. I don't believe one can be a good rester if they neglect setting boundaries.

You see, rest comes when we don't allow other supposed necessities steal our time or our joy, and we decide to care for ourselves, steward our bodies and our health well, and just take a break. 

Sometimes that looks like physically resting. Taking a nap. Lounging on a Saturday morning.

Sometimes it looks like doing things we love. For me that is painting, hiking, crafting, gardening, and camping.

Sometimes it looks like time away from technology and the constant 'noise' that surrounds.

Sometimes it looks like coffee in one hand, journal in the other, writing about life and allowing other things to take a back seat for a while.

Its so hard. Excruciatingly hard sometimes.

I would argue that most of us weren't taught how to rest well and value our health or 'self care' very highly. Most of us were taught to keep up with the Joneses, to accomplish, to do, to keep going and to never stop. There is some merit to that, but it gets in and affects every fiber of our being and robs our ability to just stop and breathe and enjoy life.

Sabbath rest teaches us that the world keeps spinning without our help (Someone much smarter than me said that. I read it somewhere, and cannot remember where, but I give credit to the genius that said it long before me). 

So lately I've been being challenged by myself, and I think by the Lord too, to let things not get done. Not the big things. Those always get done. We've got food to eat, a roof over our head and clothes to put on our backs. We've got friends and family. The important things are taken care of. But its the other things, the non-essentials that we turn into essentials sometimes. I'm letting them not get done.

And you know what?

Sometimes I have anxiety or even embarrassment about that still.

But most of the time its so nice to value my rest (which is a biblical mandate, I might add), and to spend time doing things that are good for my soul. I have much more time to do things with the people in my life that matter. I have more ability to enjoy and find beauty in the many treasures that surround me because I'm not constantly looking around, finding everything that is left 'undone', but instead, I am appreciating and reveling in the people, gifts and hobbies that God has given me.

And that is a better way to live.

I am thankful that He never leaves me the same way... and He cares about things like the way I approach rest and work.

I am better, healthier and more at peace because of it. And I wouldn't trade that for anything, even a spotless house.

Seek Peace and Pursue it

"and to make it your ambition to lead a quiet life: You should mind your own business and work with your hands, just as we told you," 1 Thessalonians 4:11


I've read this verse hundreds of times, and as a child I remember thinking it was rather unfair... what about those of us that love to dance to loud, bumping music, or who scream on roller coasters or have big emotions? Those things aren't "quiet"-- after all, didn't the Lord make us this way?? I chuckle at my child interpretation now, because, clearly, that is not what this verse is saying... this verse has become monumental for me in the last several months. I may even consider it my 'life verse' at this juncture.

Other translations say 'make it your aim to live a quiet and peaceful life'... I have found that sentiment to be more and more appealing the older I get. I don't want drama, upheaval, tension and chaos--that finds us simply because we live in this broken world, but I certainly don't want to be the producer of more of it. 

The beauty of this verse is the practicality of it--  live as peacemakers. Seek to not meddle in other people's affairs, which almost always causes unnecessary tension and excess clamor, but 'seek peace and pursue it' (Psalm 34:14). 

According to Oxford Dictionary the meaning of the word 'peace' is: freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility. Folks, who doesn't want that? That is what our hearts long for-- freedom from disturbance, a quietness in our hearts and souls, ceasing of wars and violence... most people I know want to live peaceful lives. I love how the Bible is not only complete truth, but is also gives incredibly practical guidelines for living that are for our benefit. Its as though God knows the best, healthiest way for us to live and cares enough to share that with us... (imagine that!!)

This is not only something I think is crucial, God apparently thinks so too. Jesus promises his disciples in the book of John that he is leaving peace with them and that they need not to be afraid. The Bible is sprinkled with verses, such as the aforementioned that speak of the importance of God's peace, not only of possessing it, but of being sowers of it. Don't believe me? Check out these verses-- (1 Thess. 4:11, Psalm 34:14, John 14:27, 2 Thess. 3:16, 2 Cor. 13:11, James 3:18).

I find myself longing for and thriving in the quiet moments, simply sitting in my favorite green chair, thinking about life, praying for things that are weighing on me and allowing God's spirit to minister to my heart. It doesn't look glamorous from the outside, but it is life giving to my soul. I often think of when I will get to sit in my backyard, doing nothing but listening to the sounds of nature around me. 

I value family days, hanging out at home more now than I ever have. We don't have to be going on a wild road trip, we can be playing a card game at the kitchen table, and my heart is full. I love Sunday afternoons, snuggled on the couch, watching a movie with my sister that we've seen a hundred times, but is still our favorite. I'm convinced these are the quiet, peaceful moments that verse is talking about. Its the everyday things, living righteously before the Lord, allowing Him to be God, to deal with people's hearts and ugliness, and simply doing our best to love and live for Him. 

I've stopped chasing happiness, success, wealth... those things are only 'fillers' for what we're actually longing for. I don't think much of those things, but I do think much of seeking out peace, fulfillment in Him and righteousness. These are the constants, the indicators of Christ's presence in our lives and they're far more worth it and far more life giving than temporal things like money and happiness. 

Here is where things get sticky-- there are those who preach peace or who claim to 'hate drama' and yet they marinate in it constantly, always seeking out the new, juicy gossip, controlling other people and generally just creating upheaval wherever they go. Its tough for me to believe these folks when they claim to 'desire peace', because they are the very ones creating strife. If this is you, I implore you to stop. Its only creating hurt for yourself and those around you. If you don't know if this is you, ask yourself what feelings came up when you read this paragraph... feelings of guilt, defensiveness?? Ask those around you for their honest assessment. We are all works in progress, there is no shame in Christ, but He calls us to live in peace, not strife. 

There is no better way to live, than in quiet and peace-- and this comes through knowing Him. After all, how can we have true peace if we don't know the source of that peace? This has become one of the sweetest things in my relationship with Him, the peace that is a constant in my life.

Know Him, Know peace. 

Lessons in Singleness

A few nights ago I sat with a friend-- legs crossed on her bed, reminiscing, rejoicing and crying as she prepares to marry in a few short months.

We talked about the sleepovers and spontaneous hang outs-- how easy it has been to get together at the drop of a hat. We cried that that will be more difficult in a few months. We encouraged each other and we reminded one another of who they are. It was so filling for our spirits.

At some point the conversation turned to me and she told me to let her know if ever the wedding talk becomes hard for me, as a single person and I need to take some time to breathe. I promised I would. But I also explained my current state, what He's been teaching me and how my mindset has changed, slowly but steadily over the last several years.

It took me a long time to come to this place. For so long I saw marriage as superior to singleness. I spent hours and hours thinking about and hoping for a spouse, wanting my crush to notice me...

I distinctly remember the first time my mindset started to change. I was in my college dorm room, a junior at the time, getting ready for my day, and the Lord gave me this sense of excitement and joy as I thought about being single. It was something I had never experienced before.

After that it was a million little things that continued to change my mind... it was the numerous singles that I bumped elbows with that were living so fully and so well, despite lacking a significant other. It was me choosing to invest in things that matter now, and believing that those things were worthwhile, even without a spouse by my side. It was realizing that I wouldn't have been able to be a Resident Assistant my senior year of University if I had been married. And man, I would have missed out. I wouldn't trade that for anything. It was being real honest with friends and mentors about how I felt and where I was at. It was countless prayers.

I explained it to my friend the other night as me having a massive feast of Italian food in front of me-- pasta, cheese, alfredo sauce-- the works... all the while lusting over her Mexican food feast. How often do we do that? Ignore our own rich blessings, in search of what we really want? How much do we actually end up missing out on in search of 'the good life'?

As I was talking to my friend I realized that its taken years, but I am finally at a place where I see marriage and singleness as equal in beauty, usefulness and status. Its embarrassing to admit how long it took, but it is the truth. I do not consider my life or status inferior to that of my married friends any longer. I consider my life different but equal. I also explained that if I had married young, I would likely never have learned this lesson. It was one of those things that needed to be learned through struggling with my current state of being, rather than being handed the thing that I wanted. I would have spent years, potentially even a lifetime believing the lie that marriage was superior to singleness, had I not been forced to struggle with the truth during my single years. And the Lord knew that was no way to live. So, I am convinced that at least part of the reason I am 26 and single is because I needed to come to that understanding, and it took years of doubt, struggle, prayers and tears to finally have a settled heart and mind.

I am thankful that our Father does not instantly give us what we want, the moment we want it. I would have likely still believed that destructive lie... and I would have missed out on so much of what I've learned, done and seen during my single years.

I am so grateful that I truly can echo that age old hymn that says,
'Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul'.

If you're struggling with your current status as a single person, I encourage you to find mentors, good friends-- people you can talk to and who will listen and encourage and cry with you. And I promise that the lessons you're learning now are worth it.

Keep living fully, and keep investing well, knowing you are loved now. 

Thoughts on Inauguration...

I didn't set out to write a post on Inauguration day, about inauguration day, but sometimes it just works out  that way...

This past election season was undoubtedly one of the most controversial, emotional, risky elections in the history of the United States. Many were unimpressed with both candidates and felt stuck. Many were over the election before it even happened... Some were satisfied with the results, others were discouraged, but overall I get the sense that people felt scared, stuck and powerless.

Social media was a battlefield, and dodging the bombs and spears that were being thrown was next to impossible. Opinions were being stated on every move that the candidates made. Skeletons were dug out of the closets and displayed for all to see. Selfish choices, words and actions were rampant... it seemed to bring out the worst in people.

There were also peacemakers who reminded and encouraged folks to show love and empathy even in the mess and rubble, and those people are heroes in my book-- an unwillingness to be a part of the mud slinging, name calling, and hate-filled rhetoric shows maturity and awareness and that is what changes the world.

I remember feeling burnt out, exhausted and utterly drained by the election before it even happened. I had opinions and fears and hopes in it all, but honestly, by the time November 8th arrived, part of me was breathing a sigh of relief, just wanting it to be over. I couldn't go on facebook without feeling discouraged and disappointed afterward. There was a tension in the air that seemed palpable. I did my best to steer away from political conversations during the holidays because I come from a passionate family when it comes to politics...

And now? I still feel burnt out. Sure, some of the heavy emotions have died down, but this is still one of the most divisive topics in our nation and around the world. People rejoice or people mourn, but there doesn't seem to be much unity in our land. People seem discouraged and defeated and, at times, prideful, arrogant and ungracious.

I suppose this post is atypical in that it doesn't have resolve, its mostly just a record of my thoughts regarding the election and the state of our nation currently, but I suppose if I were to leave a charge it would simply be this-- its easy to add to the noise, to stir up fear and anxiety, to allow resentment and bitterness to take root, and I get it, because there are legitimate concerns that many have... even so, I often wonder if the plethora of opinions out there just adds to the chaos and noise without doing much else.

Its much more difficult to stop and listen respectfully, even in disagreement. Or to show empathy and compassion when that is not being shown from those leading our country. It is hard to go home and love our families, putting ourselves last, staring fear in the face and saying "You will not win." But it is the way of Jesus. 

I am constantly amazed and convicted by his life. He didn't go over well, but it wasn't because he was being hateful, it was because the heart of man was wicked and unable to accept this dude that ate with sinners and forgave prostitutes. It was because he loved so radically and turned their cultural ideals upside down for the sake of the people he died for... Unwilling to budge on the truth, and yet the most compassionate, empathetic, loving, selfless person that ever walked the earth. That truth is humbling.

So I guess I am challenged to ask myself how I can approach this stinky pile of poo that has come about in the most Jesus-like way possible. It sounds so 90's to ask 'What Would Jesus Do?'-- but what if that is actually the single most important question we can ask? The way of Jesus is hard, it requires going against our natural inclinations, but it is the only way that brings life. It is the only way.

So, Ironically enough, at the risk of adding to the already deafening noise, I send my plea-- don't hide behind a computer screen, spouting out words you'd never dare say in person, don't run down the war-path, unwilling to hear any other thoughts and opinions, don't believe everything you read or hear. But do make love the goal, in every situation.

I tell my preschoolers constantly that they need to ask themselves before making choices, "Is this a good choice?" And, as elementary as it sounds, it is my encouragement to each of us (myself included). Is this a helpful conversation? Is this conversations filled with grace and empathy, or raucous opinions that will create division and strife? Is it necessary?

So, I will spend the next four years praying for the 45th president of the United States (2 Timothy 2:1-3). He will make decisions I will disagree with. He will disappoint. He might make decisions I will agree with as well. Regardless, I am called to pray and respect those in authority, and I will do just that. But I will not put my hope in a mere man. My hope was, is and will remain in the only constant in my life-- Jesus. No legislation, leader or politician can take that away.

I conclude with this-- from the most selfless, caring, strong, truthful, loving person that this world has ever and will ever know-- "By this everyone will know you are my disciples, if you love one another" (John 13:35).

On Singleness

"...So, a beautiful young lady like yourself must have a lot of boys chasing you..." He prodded.

"Actually no." I stated.

"Oh, no boyfriend?" He questioned further.

"No, not right now." I added

"Well. We'll have to change that. I'll keep my eye out if I know of anyone..."

"Thanks." I chuckled.

The whole thing struck me as humorous. He was just curious about my life, as many friendly 70-something year olds are. We had spent the better portion of the morning assembling breakfast and lunch bags for the local homeless shelter during our church serve day. I had learned a great deal about his life, and he of mine. I appreciated the ease of conversation and the wisdom that he instilled.

I walked away, humbled that he thought me worthy of having 'boys chase me', and yet unsettled as I processed the conversation further.

Maybe I was unsettled because, deep down, I had the same thoughts circling.

Maybe it was because it struck a nerve as something I longed for and didn't have.

Maybe because, as unspoken as it is, it feels like a relationship is the expectations for 20-somethings. 

Maybe because it hit some lies and insecurities that I had been battling against for years. 

I suspect it was a little bit of all of the above.

A different version of the same conversation has happened numerous times during my adult life, as it does for many who go through long periods of singleness.

Just a few weeks ago, while at a Harvest Party one of the older women who I've known since childhood asked: "So, do you have a boyfriend?"

 When I responded that no, in fact, I did not have a boyfriend, she went on to talk about her sons and how they had gotten married in their later 20's, and early 30's... I think in attempts to bring some consolation to my single state.

Its entertaining to watch how people respond when the answer to their probing 'are you seeing anyone' question is 'no.' They always try to back pedal and give some assurance that 'it-will-happen-one day...' 'you've-just-gotta-wait-for -the-right-one', 'I'll-help-you-find-eligible-singles'... I let out an amused sigh.

Because I get it.

We love love. I place myself in that statement. Our culture is obsessed with the idea of romance... look no further than the movies playing on the big screen, the book we're reading, the netflix shows we're watching...

I condemn no one on this.

I guess I just wonder if we have it all backwards?

We were created for community, no doubt. The desire for relationship and romance is natural, and even healthy and normal.

But it seems to be the pinnacle for many.

The highest level one can reach in their adult life.

And to that I say, 'Really?!' 

Is being in a relationship really the most important thing I have to offer to the world?

Don't get me wrong, marriage is beautiful, ordained by God and is absolutely an important, growing, God-honoring part of the lives of some 90% of people that do marry at some point in their lives...

however... it is not the be all, end all of life. It is not the only thing that we have to offer the world.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on singleness as its been a fairly consistent thing for me during my adult years.

What used to seem like a curse and an embarrassment has slowly become a valuable blessing. I never thought I would say that about being single, but the Lord is persistent in teaching His children critical truths. Even for those that are stubborn... *ahem.*

In my singleness I am able to be the show-up-on-your-front-door-with-cookies-because-you're-sick friend.

I am able to be a part of many ministries, volunteer opportunities and pursue numerous passions because my time is my own.

I am able to empathize with others who are single, trying to navigate it in a world that is obsessed with relationships.

I am responsible to provide for myself alone, and to be generous with the excess I've been given.


I guess at the end of the day, my hope is that we can champion and encourage one another no matter their relationship status. That we can value the gifts that each brings to the table regardless of whether they have a ring on their left hand or not... we're all necessary parts of the larger body.

Let us love radically, give generously, sow kindness, pursue truth, regardless of relationship status.

YOU are valuable. YOU are loved. YOU are gifted. 
No strings attached. 

Stitch Fix #2

This is a lighthearted post, but still something I am excited about... STITCH FIX!

If you haven't heard of Stitch Fix, it is an organization that sends clothes and accessories straight to your door, based on a style profile that you fill out. In other words, the items are all personalized to fit your style and needs. You tell your stylist what you like,you pay for what you keep, and send back the rest. Its pretty genius really.

My second Fix came last week, and I was so pleased with it! If you're feeling the need to spruce up your wardrobe, here is the link to try out Stitch Fix stitchfix.com/referral/8738466. There is no sign up fee, and you only pay for the items you keep. There is a $20 styling fee that is taken off the total of your purchase if you choose to keep any items.

Another bonus: For those trying to shop ethically, just ask your stylist to send only clothing made in the USA or Canada!

I thought I'd share with you each of the five items I was sent, and whether it was a keeper or a return...

#1-- Terin Contrast Hem Knit Top

 Thoughts: I really liked this sweater. Its a light fabric that could easily be dressed up or dressed down. The color was perfect (I love me some maroon!) It was cozy, and I was really toying with the idea of keeping it. Its kind of hard to see in this picture, but there is a seam that goes across the waist area that I didn't love.

Verdict: Returned. In the end, I couldn't justify spending a little more than fit into my budget right now, on an item that I didn't love.


#2-- Millie Textured Knit Dress

Thoughts: I fell in love with this dress right when I saw it, and loved it even more after I put it on. It is classy, cute, versatile and super comfy. I love dresses, and the pattern on this one was easy to wear for numerous occasions. This one could also be dressed up or dressed down-- super convenient.

Verdict: Returned. I hated to return it, but when I got real I realized that I already have far too many dresses, and simply don't have enough occasions to wear all of them. It just wasn't practical for me to add another dress to my collection. It was also slightly above my price range, but would have been a quality purchase-- just wasn't something I could justify at this point. 

#3--  Wels Puffer Vest

Thoughts: I was on the fence about this one when I pulled it out of the box. I wanted to love it, but it has been so long since I wore vests, that I just wasn't sure. When I tried it on, I liked how soft and thick it was. It definitely felt like something that would keep me cozy and warm in the winter (important in the PNW)! 

Verdict: Returned. I decided to return it for a few reasons. First off, I didn't have enough items in my wardrobe that would go well with this vest, and second, I didn't love it. It might take me a while to get on the vest bandwagon. A quality product once again, but not something that fit my style right now.

 #4-- Heather Lace Detail Tab-Sleeve Blouse

Thoughts: I LOVED this top from the moment I pulled it out of the box. The fabric is high quality, and soft. The top is dressy, but could also be worn on a daily basis. Also, the color is GORGEOUS! Its hard to see in this picture, but the front v-neck is lined with lace, as well as the top several inches of the back. Lace is in right now, and it just so happens to be one of my favorite looks as well. Double bonus!

Verdict: Keeper!! I was so excited to add this piece to my wardrobe. There are so many things I can wear with it, and its light and airy fabric makes it breathable and versatile for changing seasons. 

 #5-- Addison Skinny Jean

Thoughts: Loved them on the hanger. Did not love them on me. They hugged all the wrong places and were a little bit too small. They were cute, but did not work for me. 

Verdict:  Returned. 

Overall, I was pleased with my second Fix, and I am excited for my third to arrive in January. I'm impressed with this company and its so fun to look forward to receive a fix (you get to choose how often and what day it arrives) on your doorstep! Its convenient and the stylists work hard to pick items that fit your price range and style preferences. 

I definitely recommend Stitch Fix if you're looking for a simple, quick, affordable option for adding some new pieces to your wardrobe!!

Learn more about Stitch Fix here: https://www.stitchfix.com/about