When Pre-Schoolers Teach You.

When I love someone, I want everyone to know them.

I feel that way about my sister and dad. I feel that way about my R.A. team from last year. I feel that way about my good friends. I just want everyone else to know them, because they're too darn awesome for others not to know them. I feel as though others are missing out if they don't meet these people I love. Like their life will be better after meeting those I care about.

And it is no different with my pre-schoolers. I've only been a pre school teacher for 3.5 months-- that doesn't seem like very long when I write it out, but it feels like its been much longer. I feel comfortable, confident and I've made some really sweet connections with some of the kiddos.

And I think they're awesome. It can be chaotic. It can be challenging. It can be frustrating. But it is always, always rewarding and worth it.

I find myself coming home, sharing funny stories about the kids. Wanting those that I love to meet my sweet pre-schoolers, because, well, they're so worth knowing. And because my life is better with them in it. I laugh all the time because of their imaginative minds and their funny stories. I am challenged by their simple faith, humility, and their ability to apologize and forgive quickly.

I am reminded of the fact that Jesus really loved children, and it makes perfect sense-- their hearts are pure and their faith genuine and uncomplicated. They know how to live beautifully in the simplicity of life.

They find worms on the playground and collect them in little buckets. It is their favorite game to play. They're not afraid of getting their fingers slimy or dirty. They are just thrilled to find worms or 'lerms' as one little girl calls them. And they're all named 'Anna' and 'Elsa.' I mean, really, what else would they be named?

They are proud of themselves when they do the monkey bars all by themselves. Or when they write their names unassisted. They still think burping is funny. They are so affectionate-- they still like hugs and band-aids still make everything better. They are unashamed to express their true emotions. I pray they don't lose that as they grow and the world tries to form them into its own mold. I pray they don't lose their ability to celebrate often. Love fully. Express themselves. Be Assertive. And believe with all that they are that Jesus is present, He is with them and He loves them.

I wish I could introduce these kids that have captured my heart to each of my friends and family. I know that they would agree that their lives were better simply because of the presence of these kids...

I am thankful, so so thankful that the Lord placed me at a pre-school, and has used that to shape me, teach me and grow me. Who knew kids were such great teachers?

Content and Grateful.

More than Enough.

I am a twenty-something, recent University grad with a job that I love and a community that I am grateful for, and I am single.

And I am okay with that.

In fact, I am more than okay with it.

For so long I was anything but okay with it. The word 'single' felt like a death sentence. It felt like an awful disease that I needed to heal from as soon as possible. Actually, most of my life it has felt that way.

But recently the Lord has shown me that this whole 'single' thing is not, in fact, a death sentence. And it is not a disease. It is a good  thing (I know, hold onto your hat...).

I was born single.
You were born single.
And the Lord says that we are created good.

In our single state, the Lord declared that we, in our essence and being, were good. Very good, in fact.

There is life to be had before and after marriage. There is life to be had outside of marriage (which, by the way is also good).

But the lie that Christian culture has bought into is that marriage is better than singleness. That marriage means you have somehow reached an 'elite' level in your spirituality. Or you are desirable (finally). Or that you are better than all of those single folk. They just haven't quite gotten there yet. They need more refining. They need better control of their emotions, temper, laziness, gluttony, addictions... They just need to be better. To do better.

Bull crap.

That is not the Gospel. It is not what the Lord says. Some of the heroes of the faith, the men and women we read about and esteem in the Bible were single. Paul the apostle. Jesus. 

So please, my friend, stop making your worth about whether or not you're in a relationship/engaged/married. Your worth has never, ever, ever been about that. And it never will be. Not in the eyes of God.

You have purpose now. I have purpose now. And even if I never get married, my life is still good. My convictions and passions and gifts are still being used (by the grace of God) and I it doesn't mean I am extra broken. It just means that our stories look different.

And that is okay. Beautiful, in fact.

Today you are of value. Tomorrow you are of value. Forever you are of value. Because you're His. May that be enough. {More than enough}.

A Letter to My Grieving Self, One Year Later

Dear Hannah,

I am writing this letter to you a year out-- you're still in the grips of intense grief, but I am here to tell you that it won't always feel the way it feels right now. You don't sleep well. You don't eat well. Sometimes your appetite is ravaging and sometimes its a chore just to eat at all. Tears don't come when they should-- they come at all the wrong times. Unexpectedly as you watch a movie. While you drive by yourself and in class when something reminds you of your mother. This is normal. Your heart needs to be free to grieve at will, so don't try to squelch it when the tears and sorrow bubbles up to the surface.

Hannah, have grace with those who don't know how to respond. They care a lot. But grief isn't something that is taught in school, the family or in church. People don't know what to do with it any more than you know what to do with it, so remember to embrace the awkward silences and those that want to ask you about it, but simply don't know how. Know that these people are your support system, your lifeblood in helping you to heal and they will become some of your closest friends.

You lack words to describe what you feel and you are unable to describe the emotion that wells up inside, but writing will become therapy for you. Write as much as you need to. It will bring healing, perspective and will connect you closer and closer with the Lord and with friends who will get a glimpse into your heart.

Don't be embarrassed about crying when you told yourself you wouldn't. And don't feel like you should be 'over it' after the cards and phone calls have ceased. Grief isn't on a time frame like that, and you can't force it to be. Talk when you need to, and be silent when you need to. People might tell you how to grieve, or what to expect. Know that your grief may look different than theirs. Grief is not something that can be put in a box.

Hannah, the most important thing that I want to share with you is this: Right now, at times it feels like you're drowning, like you're barely keeping your head above water. School, your job and grieving are all full time jobs and it feels like you can't stay on top of all of them. Grief is scary, terrifying at times. But it will not always feel this way. You've heard a thousand times, it gets easier, and it does. This might not bring you comfort now, but later you will look back and see that it was true. And Hannah, a year later, you are doing really, really well. You still have hard days and hard moments, but your heart is at peace and your spirit at rest. Your grief journey has been used to speak to other people and meet them where they are, helping them through their own grief. That is a priceless gift. You are going to be just fine. So grieve as you need to. You will always remember and love your mother, and you won't probably ever 'get over' her loss. But you can still thrive. You can still live a full life. You can still be joyful. And you are.

Hang in there. You've got the perfect people around you, hand picked by the Father himself.

Love, Hannah in a year.

When Brokenness Invades

"Portland, Oregon-- Air Quality at unhealthy levels due to smoke from wildfires. More than 875,000 acres are burning across the Northwest"

"Shoreham Airshow: 7 people killed in fighter jet crash, officials say"

"Molly Shattuck: Former ravens cheerleader sentenced to 48 weeks in jail for child sex abuse"

"Huggies: Company responds to Claim that Glass Shards were found in Baby Wipes Products"

"10 killed, thousands flee Philippines Typhoon"

"...Ashley Madison..."

Friends, my heart is heavy with the news headlines, taken directly from yahoo and facebook.

The older I get and the longer I use the internet, the more I am reminded of the brokenness of this world.

Whether it is through unavoidable natural disasters, or through really crappy and poor choices that are made, the world is crying out for help.

I find myself feeling burdened for the many traumas happening across the nation and around the world, and for those happening in my sphere of friends and acquaintances.

I don't know how to help or what to do, and yet, I know I cannot sit idly by as the world suffers and cries in agony at the pain of broken trust, sickness, abuse, the loss of loved ones, the fact that these websites even exist...

And right now, all I can do is pray. Pray hard and pray fervently for the hearts, the families involved. Because heart break is so, so painful and because I can't fix these problems.

The end of the story is not hopeless, I know that. But today my heart feels heavy as I realize and process through the immense brokenness that is this world, that is humans.

And I am reminded once again of why John 3:16 is so, so crucial.

We need a Savior.

My hope is that when you come to the end of yourself, and you realize that you have nothing left, you turn to Him. That you realize He is the healer of the brokenness, in this life and most certainly in the next.

He's there. And He's the One that is not afraid of brokenness. 

He's in the business of restoration. And He does it so well.

Turn to Him. 

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, your rod and your staff, the comfort me. Psalm 23

Not My Plan

Life is funny.

As I think back on my life, almost nothing big has gone according to [my] plan.

As a middle and high school student, I looked into my future and saw myself married, and working as a teacher by age 22 (I am still not married at age 24).

As a Senior in high school I saw myself going directly to four year University and getting my degree in Early Childhood Education (I went to Community College first and got my degree in Psychology).

As a Community College student I started to see myself not so much as a 'classroom' teacher but perhaps as a counselor, or psychologist. And I still saw myself married with a house or apartment by 23 (at the latest, I mean, c'mon, people!)

As a YWAM student, having graduated from Community College (which was never my plan), I saw myself traveling over the next few years and being a missionary in Costa Rica, working long term with YWAM (I have not traveled to Costa Rica or done any more 'missions' work since then).

As a University Student I knew I was not going to be a classroom teacher and I majored in Psychology, thinking I would work at a non-profit with low income families. I wanted to be a skills trainer, advocate and mentor. I also still saw myself married by, well, maybe 25, since the 22-23 age range was not happening... (I am now graduated, and a pre-school teacher...)

And I always saw both parents alive and healthy for many, many years. I never, ever thought that I would be one that lost a parent at far too young an age. My kids were going to have both of their grandparents to dote over them (I lost my mom to cancer in September of last year).

I certainly never imagined myself having so many opportunities to travel; never pictured myself as an R.A. on the best team I could have asked for; didn't see myself counseling at camp and gaining a community there; and I never thought that I could be content in singleness.

My life certainly has not gone according to my plan, but I am realizing, that perhaps it was never meant to. Perhaps the changes were a part of His plan and they keep me trusting Him. Perhaps, even in the tragedies (which he also grieves at), He is teaching me that while sometimes His ways don't make sense to this heart and mind, His ways are always good. Always pure. And always, always, somehow, someway, turn out for good somewhere.

Contentment

Contentment.

Its the buzz word for young adults it seems. Everyone is searching for it. Hoping for it. It seems as though few have found it.

It hits different folks differently.

For some they're discontent in their job. They want to make more, be more, have a better boss or better co-workers.

For some its discontentment with their families, their home life. They want a better house, more understanding family or more free time.

For others its singleness. Or marriage. They want the opposite of what they have and seem to watch all of their friends enjoy either the 'freedom' of singleness or the blessings of marriage.

The list goes on and on. Point is, culture and simply our human nature makes it easy for unrest and discontentment to settle in and become the norm. And I think that as a culture we've mostly accepted it, deciding that discontentment is alright. After all, it causes us to work hard for what we want, right? Right??

Brene Brown discusses this in her book, 'Daring Greatly' (awesome read, by the way, pick up a copy ASAP-- its seriously that good!) She calls it the 'Scarcity Mentality'. It is this idea that has more or less, without question, been adopted by society. This idea that we never have enough. Not enough money. Not enough friends. Not enough popularity. Not a big enough house. Not a good enough body. We are lacking something that we need. Its wreaked havoc on our culture and our personal lives.

And its the opposite of gratitude.

Its the opposite of the powerful nature of gratitude. And this Scarcity Mentality is the fuel of discontentment. Its the idea that what someone else has is better than what we have. How sad is that?

Gratitude may just be the hardest thing some of us may ever do. Its not our natural outlook. Its 'natural' to want more. But gratitude brings a powerful force to society and to our families and communities, and for Christians, it is what we are called to. Thanksgiving. Worship. Praise. Gratitude. 

Contentment is difficult for me. So often I look at the lives of those around me and I want what they have. I want a stable job, an apartment, a relationship, a ministry.... and I miss the gifts I have been given that are unique and hand picked by our Father himself.

I imagine it hurts the Father's heart when I sit there, arms crossed, stamping my feet, demanding something that isn't mine to have. And yet, I do it all the time. And I encase it in words of  'its a desire of my heart' (it is) and 'I've waited so long, I don't know why they get it and I don't'... but all along I am missing what is right in front of me. Like an ungrateful child on Christmas morning, wanting the scooter that their brother got, instead of enjoying the bike that they received.

 I am convinced that gratitude can change the world. And it starts with you and me, deciding to thank the Lord for the many, many undeserved and amazing things He's placed in your life and mine. I haven't earned them, but He's allowed me to have them anyhow.

Today I choose gratitude. And tomorrow (hopefully) I'll choose gratitude again. And  I have a feeling that little by little I may just get a tiny glimpse of that contentment that Paul spoke of in Philippians (4:12), regardless of circumstance.

E u c h a r i s t e o

Go and Sin no More...

I've stayed quiet about current happenings that have the media buzzing. I have opinions, but they don't always need to be stated. And recently as I was reading a headline, it struck me-- Christians are NEVER called to be hateful.

Now, there is a huge difference between engaging in a discussion, or even calling others to live by high standards and hate, but far too often, I think, controversial topics become bashing sessions. They become hateful banter. They are rooted in pride and are not meant to draw others closer to the Lord or to spread the Gospel. They are simply meant to make an angry, ranting point that perhaps, at the end of the day does more harm than good.

How do we hold to our convictions and to the truth of scripture and yet lovingly, gracefully and tactfully have conversations about moral issues? I don't think its the way we've been doing it.

When I look at Jesus' life, I am amazed by the incredible amount of grace and love he showed to those that were caught in sin, or were confused or stuck or simply didn't know what to do with their lives. He did not condone sin, but he so deeply loved the individual and they walked away feeling valued, built up and genuinely cared for, as Jesus called them to 'go and sin no more' (John 8:11). He was calling them to a higher standard than what they had for themselves, but he also looked upon them with all of the love and value that anyone could bestow. He cared a lot more about their souls and their relationship with Him and the Father than He did about condemning their sin and feeling the need to call out everything they did wrong.

 He cared about relationship.

He didn't care about status. Or being 'cool'. Or making sure everyone was towing the line constantly. He cared about the status of individual souls, and that happened only through a caring relationship and through the deep, deep love that only Jesus could show.

So I guess I don't know exactly what my response to every hot button issue should be. But I know for a fact that it should NOT be one of hate. Pride. Condemnation. Because that is not Jesus' way. And I cannot in good conscience call out everyone else's sin without first looking into my own messy heart and asking the Lord to work in the midst of rubble.

My resolve is to show a little more love and little more care, a little more genuine interest and a little less judgment and shock at the brokenness of the world. 

Sanctification hurts, but it is the Lord's working in our lives and is the most 'worth it' thing I can think of-- becoming more like Jesus is always worth it.

Here's to learning to love better.