This has been my reality as of late. I've noticed an unhealthy lifestyle starting to take place. Its actually something that I've had to fight against for most of my life, but its been manifesting itself again recently.
With 17 credits, a part time job, community service hours to complete and an internship coming up, plus homework, church, relationships and hall events I'd say I'm pretty darn busy.
And yet even so, I often feel as though I'm not 'doing enough' for the kingdom. Its an unhealthy thought pattern, and I realize that. So I medicate by making sure that I am always involved in whatever it is that is going on around me. I serve meals at a local non-profit. I go to all of the dorm events. I have 27 coffee dates a week. I pray for people. And I wonder if in God's eyes I am 'doing enough.'
I recently sent a long, drawn out email to a friend about this very thing, and her response stung a little initially, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm grateful that she loves me enough to speak truth even when it isn't always pretty. She told me this:
"And, to me, because you are
concerned about not speaking enough, shows that you are not trying to
dodge your responsibility to speak when necessary. But it also shows
that you have a mixed up view of what evangelism is in it's basic form.
Each of us have been given different gifts. Ephesians 4 speaks of some
of the gifts. Some are to be Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Shepherds,
and others Teachers... but it is all for the building up of the body,
unity in faith and knowledge of the Son of God. (v11-13) We are to
operate in our giftings, and each one gift needs the others to get the
full picture of Christ. Sometimes the evangelist's gift gets put on
center-stage because it is is mainly the one up-front, but it is no more
important than the teaching gift."
I often recognize this pattern in my life-- this nervousness that I am not 'doing enough', that I am somehow not making a difference because I am in a Christian community, I spend 90% of my time around people that essentially believe the same as I do and I feel like I'm not spreading the Gospel. It sounds silly when I write it, because God is so much bigger than my ideas of what 'being used' looks like. And yet, I know that I am not the only one that struggles with this idea.
And I also realize my tendency, within my Christian community to want to look like I have my ducks in a row. I am naturally a pretty open person. There isn't a lot that my close friends don't know about me. I am just a sharer of my life and I often talk about what I'm learning, what I'm struggling through and the things that I'm realizing about myself and the world around me. Even so, I often wonder what others might think when they see the selfishness that lives within me. The critical spirit that rears its ugly head. The self-righteous spirit that threatens unity. Those are the things that I fear other people seeing. Because I do not want to be self-righteous. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be critical. But I am. So often I am.
I hate the selfishness that lives inside of me, and yet I realize, that in this I am also not alone. The longer I am in healthy Christian community, the more I realize the healing that comes when we just openly speak of our struggles, our hurtful habits and the things that we're not proud about. I'm pretty sure that is why James says:
"Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed" (5:16, italics mine)
So I guess I am slowly learning that it really is alright that I don't have it together. Like even a little bit. No matter how much I wish that I did, I do not. And I know that Father knows that and He does have it together, so I can rest in that.
He's teaching me that I don't have to strive all the time. Striving ceases when one knows and understands their calling and knows to whom they belong. So I guess I'm still learning this as well. As I seek Him, He guides me and shows me what He has for me. Even if that is something that seems simple to me. Its not always massive and gigantic. Sometimes its encouraging a friend. Sometimes its smiling at someone who needs to see a friendly face. And sometimes its speaking truth to someone who is tangled in lies.
So I am learning to rest. That has been the word for this year and let me tell you, it is a journey. Who knew resting could be so hard? It is. But its also a beautiful journey, and as I learn, I learn with others who are on similar journeys and who can encourage, pray for and help spur me on. I am grateful for the body.
I am broken. So broken. But I serve the One who is the very definition of what it means to be "whole". In that there is rest.
