The Art of Singleness

I am a Christian. I attend a private Christian University. I am 23.

There is a campus wide joke that goes around- "Ring by Spring." And everyone "gasps" when you graduate and aren't in a serious relationship or engaged.  Its mostly good fun, but there is also some truth to the sly statements that make their way into conversation.

This is the time of life when people my age are dating seriously, getting engaged and married and even starting families. I have friends my age who are all of those stages.

And I love it. I love that I get to journey with my friends who are in relationships. I get to hear about the ups and downs. I get to hear about the things they love about their special someone. I get to listen as they tell me about dates and qualities that they admire.

I love that I get to go bridesmaids dress shopping with my girlfriends that are engaged. I love that I get to brainstorm and help dream up ideas and color schemes and the perfect day for my good friends. I love that I get to stand up on the altar with them as they promise to 'forever.'

I love that for my newly married friends, I get to glean wisdom from them as they share joys and lessons learned. I love watching as their lives become one and their dreams and passions merge into one.

I love that I get to check up on my friends that are having kids and get to touch their pregnant bellies and talk to their little one. I love watching them become parents and I love seeing the light that comes as that child enters the world. I love holding their precious little one and supporting them on their journey of learning how to change diapers and make a bottle.

It is beautiful.

Relationships, marriage and families are a gift from the Lord. I firmly believe that.
But you know what I also believe? I also believe that singleness is a gift. I believe that there is so much to gain and learn and experience during the single years.

I have not always felt like this, in fact, it is a relatively recent (as of about a year ago) realization. Growing up, marriage was always the ideal. It was always what I strove for. It was my ultimate goal. And I still desire it, deeply.

But it is no longer my end goal.
It is not the only thing I want to do with my life.

I want to travel. I want to disciple and mentor. I want to live in community. I want to counsel. I want to eat lots of cheese. I want to be serving in the church. I want to work with kids. I want to live near my family. I want to grow in the Lord. I want to become fluent in Spanish. I want to spend time overseas. I want to read the Classics. I want to decorate a home. I want to take pictures. I want to plan events. I want to teach. I want to love. 

All of these dreams are achievable outside of marriage.  I have been learning that one way to use the single years well is to become passionate about something and to pursue that wholeheartedly. Have a purpose. Don't live your life waiting for the perfect macho man. Your life is valuable TODAY, single of married. 

When I really started pursiung what I loved was when contentment seemed so much closer. It seemed as though contentment found me when I stopped 'waiting' to get married and instead focused on serving the Lord and others now.

I love that the Lord does not use us in only one stage of life. He uses us in each stage. And looking back, I am glad that I am not married during this season. I get to do some things that would look a lot differently or would be pretty difficult to do as a married person. I get to live with 22 other girls and do life with them everyday. That is pretty unique. I can travel as it fits in my schedule and budget. I get to spend all of my time investing in friends and family.

Indeed, singleness is a gift. And I am oh, so grateful that the Lord was patient enough to teach me that. As Christians, we are called to have a high view of singleness, as Paul does, in 1 Corinthians 7.

So lets love and honor marriage for the gift and blessing that it is. But lets not idolize it. Lets not make it the 'be all, end all' of our lives.

Because the Lord is big enough to use us no matter what our relationship status.

The Fear of Grief

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear". -C.S. Lewis (A Grief Observed)

I am no stranger to fear. Anxiety has made a nest inside my heart for as long as I can remember. Even so, grief has a way of exponentially increasing that. A supposed firm and stable foundation is now shaken. What had always been is no more and that sense of security is gone.

Grief is scary. In my most honest and hardest moments, I can admit that I am terrified. Grief does not abide by a schedule. It does not debrief. It does not warn. It simply invades. It digs up emotions and threatens to undo. Grief today looks different than grief tomorrow. Nothing is certain with grief, it seems. It is a raging monster that is not tamed. And that is frightening.

Questions race through my head:
What if the grief is worse in three months?
What if it affects my ability to do school, Resident Assistant duties, community life?
What if I am not giving myself the proper time and place to grieve? 
What if I am stuffing my emotions?
What if I forget her? Her voice? What she taught me?
What if our family never feels 'normal' again?
Will this blaring hole in our hearts always feel so massive?

Grief has some odd side effects that are perhaps unexpected. I forget everything. No joke, I sometimes forget the names of my friends. The names of people I have known for a long time. I forget details.

Also, I feel drained most of the time. I love what I do. But it is so draining to process through grief. To talk about grief. To explain grief.  I need to talk about it. So I do. But it takes so much more energy than is in my tank most of the time. People always say at some point in the conversation,  "...enough about me, I want to know about you..." I dread this, because I struggle to put my chaotic and unkempt emotions and thoughts into words. And I hate it. Because, try as I might, I cannot put them into words well. Having a lack of words is frustrating. I am not loud, but I seldom lack the words to express myself. This is one of those times that words simply do not do justice to what is in my heart.

Right now especially, a break from thinking about, processing or talking about grief is refreshing. And yet, being asked about it gives a permission to share my story. Both permission to speak, and permission not to speak are needed. My roommate is a champ at this. She is heaven sent.

So I leave with many more questions than answers. Not having resolved much of anything, but simply knowing that perhaps leaving with questions is what spurs conversation and community. And maybe questions and unfinished thoughts are alright. Maybe fear and processing is a crucial part of the journey.

Maybe we're not meant to be finished yet...

Control.

I've had this tab open on and off for three days now.
The desire to share is present, but the ability to put it into words escapes me...
Perhaps my ramblings will make sense to some wandering soul.

This week has been rough.
Realizing my own tendency of allowing fear to boss me around was a punch in the gut.
Realizing (once again) the fact that I am a needy and desperate soul, clinging to my Savior brought me to my knees in humility.
Emotionally drained. Mentally tired. Physically exhausted.

I long for control. When I think about how much I do that stems from the desire to be in control, I am astonished.
And that is part of what makes loss so difficult-- our sense of control is shattered. And we quickly realize that we had much less control than we convinced ourselves of.

Control gives me a sense of security-- false security, that is. It makes me think that I can live in comfort and I can know what is coming. And that makes me feel safe.
I like feeling safe.
I like comfortable.
I like security.
I am not a risk taker. I am not an adrenaline junkie. I prefer and am perfectly content in my comfortable and familiar surroundings.

But comfort and safety was never my lot. It was never our lot. We are not promised comfort, this side of heaven.

Perhaps my intense desire for control stems from a lie. The lie that I somehow know what I need better than the One who created me. The lie that He isn't good. The lie that perhaps I will have to walk this journey alone. Its self preservation. And it keeps me from walking out on that limb called 'faith' and allowing Him to change my scared and stubborn heart.

As I have recently started walking this journey my Father has whispered to my heart-- 'Hannah, do you trust me? Do you know, even in the midst of hardship, that my heart is good? Rest, be at peace, my child, you are in my arms of love.  I will not forsake you.'

And I rest a little more. Remembering His great faithfulness.

From the prophet Isaiah: "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you. Because he trusts in you." (26:3)

Bruised Reed

Last weekend I went camping with my family. It was an end of the summer family vacation and there is not one picture to show for it. Not one.

One of my favorite parts of camping is sitting by the camp fire, simply enjoying creation (and making s'mores isn't bad either!) As I was doing just that, God's voice began to stir in my heart. He showed me the fire in front of me and spoke words of life and truth to my soul.

As I watched the fire come to life, I realized a few things. To start a fire, it takes a lot of paper. And the paper burns quickly-- it cannot be sustained by just paper for long, small sticks must be added, and then larger pieces of wood, and finally logs can be placed on the fire, and it will burn steadily and slowly. And after all of that is gone, embers remain. Hot coals are still present under the surface, and in fact, can be fanned into flame once again.

Through all of this God was reminding me of what it looks like to walk with Him. Often times that initial moment of salvation, when we accept God's grace and begin living for Him is epic and dramatic. It is an emotional high that we often expect to continue. Its like the paper that starts the fire-- awesome, and needed, but not something that can be sustained for long periods of time. As we grow and mature in our walk with Jesus, we move from always needing to experience that emotional high, to simply being able to burn steadily for Him, day in and day out. We stop expecting Him to work for and serve our every emotional whim, and begin to realize that its a lot more like a relationship. A lot more like a steady, unceasing devotion to Him. We become like the logs. Sometimes there are flare ups in the 'fire' that is our lives, but mostly, its just a steady burn. And that lasts. And that is how it should be.

God also brought Isaiah 42:3 to mind-- "A bruised reed He will not break and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out." Appropriate, right? This is a verse of hope. To me it speaks of God's faithfulness, patience and enduring love for His children. It reminded me that God sees even the tiniest glimmer of hope. He sees the 'embers' under the surface, and that is enough to fan into flame a fire once again.

The point is: our lives with Christ were never meant to be a continual series of emotional highs to sustain us. It was meant to be a relationship. And relationship involves both highs and lows. Both are important for character transformation. Both are needed. Its a steady burn. And in the moments we feel faint. Weary. Drained. Fatigued. Doubting. The embers remain. He has not given up. He will not snuff out a smoldering wick. His faithfulness continues through all generations.

So, I step out with wobbly knees, and a trembling, fatigued heart, and I remember that it is the slow burn that sustains. I remember that in the moments when I feel faint, God is working on the embers in my heart, drawing me close to Him once again.

And my heart can be at rest.

Mistakes.

I have officially dubbed this summer as 'summer of mistakes'. I am interning with a local organization and I am passionate about the work that they do, but I am new there. And being new means making mistakes.

I am also working at a new job. There are details and an overload of information and protocol to remember and abide by. And naturally, there are more mistakes made there.

Some days I come home and feel defeated. I often feel like I should make fewer mistakes then I do, and discouragement sets in. But I'm not allowed to stay there long. In those moments, when I am tempted to start finding my worth in what I do, that is when God steps in and reminds me that making mistakes produces character. Making mistakes teaches and shapes me. Making mistakes keeps me humble. And perhaps most importantly, making mistakes keeps me reliant upon Him.

A quote that has become a favorite, probably because it is so pertinent for me during this season of life is this--

"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I am positive that a doer makes mistakes." -John Wooden

Its true, too. I think as a society at large we value doing things 'right.' We value performance and sometimes we begin to find our identity in what we do, rather than who and whose we are. That is a dangerous thing.

When I was a child I would often say whatever was on my mind, even if it was majorly un-tactful and cringe-worthy. I learned how to communicate tactfully by doing it wrong first.

I learned how to solve unexpected problems that arise with a calm demeanor, only after trying first to solve them with anxiety and a raised voice. I found out quickly that that only made the situation worse.

I learned how to pick my battles by choosing all the wrong ones initially.

As difficult and uncomfortable as the mistakes can be, I am convinced that they are necessary. They are necessary in order to teach, mold and shape. And, when its all said and done, we come out, hopefully, a little more like the One who created us.

So, in closing, I'll leave you with the brilliant, Thomas Edison, (who, by the way, tried a buzillion different ways to make a light bulb, before finding the one that worked):

When You're in the Cave...

I came to a realization today as I was working through some tough news that I received about some family members.

I do not understand God or the way that He works. But I trust Him. 

Its been one of those seasons where it feels like my family is walking through a dark cave, trying to feel our way around without any light source. And we keep hitting walls. We run into holes in the ground. We grow fatigued and weary. It feels scary and overwhelming at times. But there is an odd, uncanny peace. A peace that transcends even the toughest, most unexpected circumstances. Its as though we know, we will make it out of the cave. We don't know when, and we don't know how, but by golly, we will make it out.

And its more than just wishful thinking, its rooted in truth. In a knowledge of who our Father is, and what His character is. 

I realize it sounds glib to say 'it will be okay.' It doesn't make the pain or the hardship any less real, but it is a reminder that heaven is our home, and there, tears, sorrow and grief will be nonexistent. There there will be rejoicing, praising, worshiping and only healthy relationships.

But, no, its not okay. It hasn't been okay for a while. Sickness. Broken relationships. Uncertainties. Lack of communication. Loneliness. They are very real. For my family and for countless others. And its alright to admit the hardship. Its alright to grieve. Its alright to cry. God is pleased with our honesty and authenticity before Him (not convinced? Read any of the Psalms).

So I sit here, both saddened and rejoicing. Saddened for the tough season we're all walking through. Saddened for the hurt happening around me. But rejoicing that there can be and is peace in the midst of suffering. Rejoicing that my God goes before His children, even when they're walking through the cave.

source: weekendnotes.com

Expectations Ruin Relationships

So I have been on a '19 Kids and Counting' kick lately. I have only watched the show periodically through the years, but the last few days, I have been obsessive. I think I am fascinated by their family. And something that mom Michelle said in one of the interviews struck me, and hasn't left my mind since.

One of the producers was interviewing her about her daughter Jessa's courtship, and he asked "Should Ben (her boyfriend) expect a home cooked meal every night?" And Michelle laughed and said, "Well, you can expect, but expectations ruin relationship." Bam. That line has been running through my head constantly the last few days.

And I think its true. Granted, I'm sure Michelle and the world at large realize that there must be some 'ground rules' or expectations that make a relationship work (i.e. fidelity, respect, honesty etc.) but I think Michelle hit the nail on the head. Expectations ruin relationships.

I think it hit me because that is what the Lord has been showing me over the past several months. I went into University with a set of expectations, and a few month later, most of those expectations were unmet. In some cases, that was a good thing. In some cases, it left me terribly disappointed. And it was then that He showed me that I needed to learn to lay down my expectations and embrace His plan. Because my expectations often come from a picture conjured up in my head, and not necessarily from reality.

I must tell you, it has been trans-formative and challenging. I am someone that thinks ahead. I plan. Organize. Make lists. I have scenarios mapped out in my head long before they take place. And as I look back on my life, I realize that often times, mapping out a situation, and every word of a supposed conversation has brought more hurt than help. Because it doesn't turn out the way I expect, anyway. I don't say that to rain on anyone's parade, but I say it from experience, realizing that perhaps we were never meant to have control of every situation, but rather, to 'roll with the punches' and trust God along the way.

Its a hard process isn't it? I think control has a lot to do with it. Because if we can just analyze a situation enough, to where we *know* how its going to turn out, then we supposedly have control. That is a false notion, but its so relevant in our culture today.

So I guess I am learning to let go of expectations, and tucked in there, to let go of my need for perceived control, and simply live with arms wide open, ready for what God may place in my path. That is not to say that I am not pro-active, but rather, its a beautiful journey of simply learning to let go, and let God handle the unknown. Because its not unknown to Him, and He's pretty good at His job.

Here is the video-- Expectations Ruin Relationships:

The Road Ahead

I am a shameless blog reader and promoter. I know, its kind of laughed at in my generation to be an aid blogger, but I love it.

There have been countless times when I have read a blog, or looked at an article that spurred thoughts that I hadn't ever considered. Being a blogger has widened my community, it is caused me to consider hot button issues from different angles and it has actually helped to spur conversation as well. I consider those in the blogger community as part of my larger community, even though some of them are only online acquaintances. I get to hear the thoughts of others that I may never meet in person, but who have a whole lot more wisdom than I on life. That is a pretty cool thing. So there--not ashamed.

Recently, a blogger was writing about each person being allowed 'their process' in doing things. In arriving at conclusions and in doing life. I loved it. And it was timely and pertinent. She states it much better than I could, so here is the link. Read it (Seriously, do it. So much good stuff)-- http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2014/04/you-are-allowed-your-process.html .

And this blog post spurred a lot of thoughts within me. Perhaps the journey, the process is WAAAYYY more important than we give it credit for. We're always rushing around, busy as could be and we just want to arrive.

Ever been on a road trip with kids? They will ask you every 5 minutes if "we're there yet" to the point of insanity. No one has to be taught to value the destination, it is natural. But we must be taught to value the process. Few people I know enjoy process. Because process is painful, messy, vulnerable, ugly and just all in all, hard.

But life is lived in process. We don't ever arrive, at least, not on this side of heaven, and if we try so hard to 'arrive' (whatever that means to each individual) we're going to come up disappointed every time. I don't think the process scares God, but it often scares us.

Part of my process over the last 3 years has been walking through a time of uncertainty in my faith. I did not doubt the existence of God, but I stopped feeling 'close' to Him, seemingly overnight. And that terrified me. I didn't know what to do when my emotions didn't line up with what I knew to be true. And I went through a long, painful, arduous, messy process of learning that love is a choice, not a feeling. And sometimes that choice must be made even with a loving and perfect Heavenly Father.

In the middle of my process I cried and became anxious and I worried that my faith would slip away, because I couldn't feel the presence of God as I always had before. And I would cry out to God and beg Him to not let my faith falter. And I am convinced that during that time His loving hands held me, and that He pressed me close to Himself, and gently spoke truth into my heart. And I am convinced that He was not scared. Not even a tiny bit. Because He knew that it really would be all right. That I needed my process of becoming solidified in Him. I needed to go through a time of uncertainty and doubt to come out having found truth on the other end. 

Nearly everyone that I've talked to has gone through a time of doubt regarding their faith at some point or another. Its very normal. And this time in life-- early 20's proves to be a time of growth and maturity and solidification. And sometimes that comes with confusion and with many bumps and valleys along the way. 

What I am saying is this-- the process is all right. The process doesn't need to scare us. Its a part of what makes our stories beautiful and firm. Its a part of us learning truth and of maturing as adults. Please don't wish the journey away-- it is vital to our health and well being. Wrestle with the tough questions, but don't do it alone. Talk to others who have more wisdom and seek truth fervently.

 The journey makes us who we are.

via: studiohelper

Promised Land

This has hung on my sister and I's bathroom mirror for years, and this morning it spoke to me just a little more powerfully than before.

 

Life has been full of a lot of unexpected twists and turns as of late, and at times it has overwhelmed me to the point of tears. And at other times it seems like a daring adventure. 

I think of the context of this verse-- Moses is speaking to the people of Israel as they are about to enter the promised land (which he will not be entering) and he reminds them of this truth before they make their trek into a new land, with unknown dangers and snares ahead. The land was a prosperous land, and there were 'giants' in that land which some just couldn't see past (Numbers 13). They saw only the giants in the path, and forgot about the God who they served.

The reason that they had to be reminded not to be afraid, was because God knew that there would be scary things ahead. He was well aware that the land of Canaan would pose its own uncertainties for the people of Israel, but, it didn't end there-- God promised to be with his people as they entered that new and uncharted territory. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I imagine those words were water for their wearied souls. 

And I think that life goes like that sometimes. Often, the road ahead looks like it is filled with giants and with dangers. And it just feels a lot safer to stay where we've always been-- in our comfort zone. Because it represents safety for us. But that is not where growth happens. Not in my life at least. Over the past 3+ years I have found myself in a plethora of uncomfortable places-- places which I never planned on finding myself. 

I would always enter like a child entering a pool-- perhaps just placing their toe in at first, to test the water temperature and to still have time to run back to their mother if it felt unsafe. Then, mustering up a little courage, they wade in, calf deep. After having ruled out being eaten by a shark or dying of hypothermia, they venture in fully-- even ready to jump off the diving board into the water below. 

I like safety. I'm not much of a risk-taker. But God placed risk-takers around me to encourage me to jump in and to remind me of this truth that was spoken to the Israelites all those years ago, that remains true for God's people today, as well. We do not walk alone. We need not allow fear to overtake. We need not be discouraged. He is with us, and that is more than enough. 

So, for those of you that find yourselves in some scary, unexpected, dangerous places, remember that the God that delivered His people out of Egypt, with a mighty hand, and brought them into the promised land, walking beside them and allowing them to defeat armies 2, 3, 4 times their size remains faithful to His people today as well. It does not mean that we will have victory at every moment, but we do know that we certainly never go through it alone.

You are worth so much in the eyes of our Father. Let that bring you peace as you step into uncharted territory.

Honestly.

Sometimes there is that one phrase that just somehow meets you right where you are in an unexpected way.

This week it happened at Children's Ministry. I was sitting down with the kids to start Bible story, as we always do on Wednesday nights and Stephanie introduced the story by asking the kids what they did to prepare for company. She asked them if they clean or tidy up. Many of them raised their hands and offered up what they did before friends came over. Many of them said that they cleaned their rooms or swept or vacuumed.

I was picturing it all and God spoken to me in that moment. He reminded me that sometimes we do the same thing with our spiritual lives. Sometimes before friends come over, we clean up the bitterness, anger and judgment, shove it in the closet and do our best not to let it seep out from under the door until our friends leave. 

Sometimes before we go to church, we put on our nice clothes, do our hair just so, and adjust our attitudes accordingly. I think that sometimes when we dress up, our attitudes 'dress up' as well. I think its usually subconscious, but I also think it is far more detrimental to us as a part of the body of Christ than we realize.

He's been challenging me to live genuine truth. To be honest about both my struggles and my strong points. I think there is healing and community that happens so naturally when we are willing to be honest.

Called to Freedom

"Its a free country" people are quick to remind us when anyone or anything threatens their supposed 'freedom.' As I've been thinking a whole lot about freedom lately, I realize that the way that the world defines freedom and the way that God defines freedom are massively different.

The statistics are staggering, guys.

According to Huffington Post, 30% of women and 70% of men view porn, and this number is climbing.  Porn sites get more visitors each month than Netflix, Amazon and Twitter COMBINED.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse reports that in 2007 23.2 million people age 12 or older needed treatment for drug or alcohol use. Age 12 and older?? Lord, have mercy.

There are approximately 20-30 million slaves worldwide and the average age that children enter the sex trade in the U.S. is between 12 and 14.

These are only a few of the addictions that plague our country and the world at large today. Addiction is defined as the continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences, or a neurological impairment leading to such behaviors  (according to wikipedia-- relax, this is the true definition). My heart is heavy as I write these words. This may be a free country in ability to express religious and political views without threat of arrest or imprisonment, but this is not a free country in so many other ways that really, really matter.

People are enslaved to that which they worship. And there is a whole lot of enslavement happening here. Its pretty easy to quip that we are free, and yet live as a slave to addictions, unhealthy thought patterns and guilt.

 It happens all the time, and yet, the more I read the story of Jesus through the Gospels and the book of Acts, I realize that Jesus' ministry was one of freedom. Freedom for the captives. Release from prison. Healing for the lame, crippled and beggar. But even more, Jesus was about spiritual freedom. 

To the woman caught in the act of adultery in John chapter 8, Jesus says: "Let him who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her" (vs. 7) and then he sends her away, not condoning her actions, but telling her, "I do not condemn you, go and sin no more" (vs 11). This really angered the Pharisees. They were law masters. They knew the law like the back of their hand, and yet their hearts were corrupt as could be.

Jesus spoke freedom to the woman caught in the act of adultery.

He then goes on to tell the crowd that "If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free" (vs 31-32). He knew a thing or two about freedom, and he lived it.

For the Samaritan woman at the well (John 4), there was freedom. First off, Jesus stopped to talk to her which was unheard of. Jews did not associate with Samaritans, and they certainly did not associate with Samaritans of the opposite gender. Jesus didn't care an ounce about social restrictions, though. He correctly assessed that the woman had had five husbands and was living with a man that was not her husband. She was probably the laughingstock of the town. Jesus did not condemn her, but he told her that he desired worshipers who would worship in spirit and truth, and she believed and told all that had happened.

I doubt that woman walked away feeling the same oppression that she had felt just a few minutes earlier. She had experienced freedom in just a few short moments in talking with Jesus. She experienced freedom from being bound by the judgments of those in the city, because Jesus reminded her that she was of value.

In Mark 5, Jesus heals a man with an unclean spirit. The text says that he lived among the tombs and no one could bind him (vs 3), that is how strong the demon inside of him was. He had been bound with shackles and chains but he would break out of them (vs 4). The man saw Jesus from afar and ran, fell at his feet, and Jesus sent the spirits (thats right, there were multiple spirits) out of the man. The man who had been healed then begged Jesus to take him along, but Jesus told him to go and tell his friends what had happened (vs. 18-20). He was a missionary from that moment on.

Not only did Jesus free that man, but he also told the man to go and share that freedom with those around him. And he did.

He did not want to keep the freedom for himself, but he wanted to pass it along to all that he came in contact with. It was too amazing not to share. True love had touched him and he was forever changed.

Our great God is the author of freedom, and Jesus is a picture of that freedom, walking among us those two thousand years ago.

Paul recorded this truth in some of his letters, written to the Galatians and the Corinthians. He reminds the Galatians: "You were called to freedom only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another" (5:13). To the Corinthians he simply states this-- "Now the Lord is Spirit and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom" (3:17).

Guys, Jesus is all about freedom. In fact, I believe that freedom is essential to the Gospel message. As God's children we are free from being slaves to sin. We are free from having to work to be 'good enough'. We are free to live as children of God and rest in his presence.

Freedom comes only through the author of freedom. It does not come through allowing our emotions to dictate our lives, through running relentlessly from one lover to the next, or from being skinny enough that Hollywood accepts you.

We are not in bondage, because Jesus set us free through his death and resurrection. Do not submit again to a yoke of slavery (allowing sin to be your master). Freedom is the Jesus way, and that does not mean that we will never struggle with any sort of addiction, but it does mean that we are not destined to be slaves to sin. We do not have to earn our right to be called children of God-- that has already been done for us. We can simply be, in the presence of our God.

The law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Through Jesus, and there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1-2).

Cry out to him. You were not called to slavery, you were called to freedom. And he is in the business of  true freedom.

To My Community: Thank You

Ok. I have to admit, I am borrowing stealing this idea from a fellow blogger friend of mine. She wrote about her community a while back, and it stuck with me. I thought it was brilliant, and I've been feeling challenged lately to express gratitude purposefully and intentionally. So, thank you Amy for this idea. (Also, check out her blog-- its inspiring, and full of Jesus and wisdom--http://amynwolff.blogspot.com/ )

I am beyond blessed, and my life is filled with people that bless me daily in small and large ways. They share wisdom, laughs, tears and willingly and purposefully invest in my life. I am changed because of their presence in my life. Thank you to my beautiful community.

Melissa D-- Thank you for being willing to open up and share your story in Bible study and for living with firmness and passion. I am grateful for what you remind me of daily-- if God has placed a calling and passion upon your life, follow it!

Berkeley-- Thank you for being an example of firmness and strength of convictions. Thank you for bearing your heart-- joys and sorrows, and allowing me to do the same. And thanks for keeping me on track with working out, always encouraging me to 'keep going.' Thank you for being a safe place and for the deep belly laughs that we share. I am abundantly blessed to call you 'friend.'

Tabitha-- Thank you for being there to navigate the deep waters of school and relationships with me. Thank you for long phone conversations and for your ever-present listening ear. 

Emily G.-- Thank you for being a woman who stands strong in her faith no matter the storm that may rage. Thank you for being my 'crafting buddy' and for the genuine conversations that come out of that.

Jozlyn--  Thank you for being my 'older sister' for 7 years now. Your wisdom and gentle insight show Christ's unfailing love in a really beautiful way. Thank you for finding time, while balancing motherhood, being a wife and running countless errands to sit, talk and pray. It means the world.

Providence Health Services-- Thank you for your incredibly generous donation to our family. You have blessed us immensely, not only financially, but also by taking such good care of my mom.

Amber G-- Thank you for bundling up during the freezing months in Montana to walk with me, so I could verbally process to you. Thank you for never judging me and for speaking honestly, as a friend. Thank you for never putting on a face-- I appreciate your wisdom and genuine spirit.

Scott-- Thank you for being an example of passion and dedication. Thank you for approaching all that you do with enthusiasm. Thank you for encouraging me when I needed it.

Valerie-- Thank you, first of all, for sharing your story with 40+ young women who are wading through what it looks like to be in a godly relationship. Thank you also for continually taking time out of your schedule to share insights freely, with care and grace.

Jeruscha-- Thank you for showing me what 'speaking the truth in love' looks like. Thank you for your brutal honesty and your dedication to always having 'roomie time.' Thank you for loving painting your nails as much as I do :)

Doug-- Thanks for always being a humorous presence with your silly antics and accents. Thank you for your heart that so deeply desires God. It has been a testimony to me.

Rod-- Thank you for living life to the fullest all the time. Thank you for being incredibly firm in your faith and always stopping to make time for conversation. Thank you for calling me "BERRY!" and for your explosive laughter.

Amanda-- Thank you for laundry room conversations turned into friendship. Thank you for faithfully skyping with me and always making me a priority. Thank you for boldly declaring who you are and for being a testimony of a changed life.

Jen Bester-- Where do I begin?! Thank you for entrusting your sweet and precious babies into my care while I lived in Montana. Thank you for always seeking out intentional conversation even when you had dozens of other pressing matters. Thank you for emulating "people over projects." Your mothering is gentle and loving-- I learned so much just from watching you interact with your children.

Mom-- Thank you for approaching a grim diagnosis with a positive attitude. Thank you for making the nurses smile. Thank you for having a heart the size of Texas and for loving all those that you meet.

Dad-- Thank you for doing all of your work with excellence. Thank you for being honest. And thank you for being a faithful example of someone who is in the word daily. You might not know it, but I notice it and it has been an example to me since I was a child.

Amy-- Although we possibly haven't ever verbally spoken, thank you for writing honestly in your blog. Thank you for not glossing over the 'tough' issues, but for addressing them with grace and biblical truth. I have gained so much insight just from browsing your blog.

Jade-- Thank you for having a huge heart and giving everything you have away. You are a joy giver. Thank you for remaining humble and for initiating a friendship when it would have been easier to walk away. Your gentleness and steadfast heart are an example of what it looks like to be 'rooted' in Him.

Christy-- I could write an essay... thank you for always looking out for your baby sis-- for caring about me above yourself. Thank you for never judging me when I come to you with my un-edited thoughts. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and insight day in and day out. Thank you for being an example of a heart that follows God even in hardship and discomfort. You are an inspiration. I love you. 

Julie-- How long has it been? 15 years? Thanks for always thinking critically and keeping a sense of humor. You've always been available when I just needed a place to crash and hang out. You are massively talented. I am so excited for you and all that God is doing.

Alexis-- Thank you for having a beautiful, sensitive heart and for never being ashamed of your true emotion. You are a beautiful, wise little girl. You live with such beauty and innocence and you've taught me so much of what it looks like to have a childlike faith.

Emily-- You are confident and strong. At 7 years old you walk in more understanding of who you are than many 70 year olds.Thank you for being firm and uncompromising in the truth. Your independence and confidence are a delight to see as you grow. Thanks for sharing your life and being real about whatever is on your mind.

Jen Smith-- Your pure heart and love for our Father is a blessing and a testimony. Through hardship you have remained steadfast. You are honest, joyful and wise. Thank you for investing in me and valuing our friendship. You are a treasure. 

Mikala- Thank you for being honest and purposeful. I love how our friendship formed so naturally and how wise you are. Thank you for sharing your life and for being such a great friend-- I will miss you when we part ways. 

Cassy-- Thank you for being a joyful presence in my life. Thank you for laughter and genuine care. Thank you for supporting and believing in me. You are a gem and I am blessed by you. 

Cecilee-- I think about you often and every time I am just filled with gratitude. Your joy, boldness and honesty floor me. I love that you know who you are and are not ashamed to express that. Thank you for walking in confidence and for being so kind to me. Your friendship is treasured and you are a wise woman. I know that our Father is pleased with your pure heart. 

To friends near and far-- Thank you for always asking how my mom is. You don't know what your kind words, thoughts and prayers mean to us. Thank you for taking time out of your day to intercede for us. That is perhaps one of the most beautiful displays of the body of Christ that I have ever seen. It touches my heart.

 

Be Gentle, Dear Heart

So I started out this year aware that it was going to be a year of both letting go of my own expectations and stepping out in courage.

 And let me just tell ya, when God gives you words like that, He comes through. What I didn't realize was that perhaps it was also going to be a year where I learn how to let go of expectations that I place upon myself and learn to be gentle with myself.

I am so hard on myself. I have learned to be more gracious, and yet I find myself wondering if I 'make the cut' often. Its stupid. Who actually 'makes the cut'? Not any living, breathing human that I know (besides Jesus, of course).  

We all fall short every single day.

Why is that such a hard truth to embrace? I think somewhere deep down we still feel if we 'try a little harder' we can reach that level of charm, wit, humor, kindness, understanding and ultimately, perfection, that we're striving for. Where did that idea come from? I would imagine it came from the fall, because since the dawn of time humans have been striving to be 'good enough' to make it on their own.

Let me tell you friends, if 'making the cut' or being 'good enough' or better than you were yesterday or *gasp* perfect, is your goal, you will be disappointed every time. Our efforts are not enough. We're flawed and broken and weak. We're seeking truth and we're just plain messy.

And God is not shocked by that. He's really not. He sees us in the mess and He brushes off our skinned knees, picks us up and whispers "I love you still. Always. Forever."

I've been walking around in a lot of comparison lately. And its unhealthy. And its detrimental, and it makes Him-- the One who I am ultimately trying to serve, sad. So I guess I am slowly learning how to live with messy. I am learning how to live accepting that I am broken. Flawed. Messy. Ungraceful. Irritable, and often not like Jesus.

And my challenge is this: do likewise. Ask God to give you His perspective-- it might be a lot different than the one you've been walking around in. And its so refreshing. It is peace. Hope. Joy.

My mentor told me last week that we often understand salvation and the idea that we're saved by grace, but we add stipulations: '...but I have to pray for six people a day to please God.' '...but I have to never be angry to please God.' She reminded me that God is pleased with us because of our faith and belief in Him. Period.

John 6 records Jesus speaking with the crowd at Capernaum, and in verses 28-29  Jesus answers their question-- "Then they said to Him, 'What must we do, to be doing the work of God?' Jesus answered them, 'This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent.'  

WHAATT?! I know, pretty cool.

So my friends, please, be gentle with yourselves. Remember who you are in Christ and walk in confidence, knowing that your faith pleases Him.

Snow Control... or is it Snow Patrol...??

The Northwest is experiencing a massive snowstorm... at least, massive for us. We've got close to a foot of snow and it doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon. The forecast says that its supposed to snow over the rest of the weekend. Its been snowing steadily for about a day and a half and its starting to pile up.

Here is a glimpse of our 2014 snow storm:

 

We have these snow storms every few years. The last one in Oregon was in 2008, we got about 16 inches of snow:

It seems like people either love or hate the snow. The Californian's here at school tend to be on the latter end-- they're not huge fans of the white, powdery substance that falls from the sky. And yet, here it is.

Unavoidable.

Uncontrollable.

I've been thinking over the past two days about the implications of snow. I can make anything philisophical, guys. But really, I feel like snow is a tangible reminder of the fact that we are in control of so little in our lives. Sometimes we like to pretend like we're in control, but the truth is, I cannot make the snow start or stop any more than I could control a wild tiger. It comes as God ordains, and no amount of disdain or delight can control when it comes, in what capacity and where it falls.

I control so little.

That is a humbling thought.

I do not control the sun, and yet it rises faithfully each morning. I do not control the trees, and yet they grow, strong and tall. I do not control when the snow starts and stops. I am not in control. This truth has become evident in my life over the past couple of years, as virtually nothing has gone the way that I expected.

Who envisions cancer?

Who thinks that they're going to take two years off of college to travel and do missions?

Who imagines making the most unlikely friendships?

Not anyone I know. And yet, they're reality. And through the surprise blessings and the unplanned hardships, I remember that little me controls so little. And I am humbled. And in that, I look not to myself, but to my Creator-- I look to the author and perfecter of my faith, realizing that He is in control. He is not in heaven wringing his hands and covering His eyes, horrified by events that are unexpected through human eyes.

He remains faithful. His character is constant, and He is in control. That doesn't make the hard times easier, but it does bring hope, knowing that we are not alone. We are not forgotten. We can rest knowing that our Father is more than able. 

So today I am humbled, in awe and I am reminded that sometimes the unexpected comes with blessings. And the bumps in the road which are uncontrollable aren't scary to Him. There is peace in His presence.

But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

³⁴ “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:30-34

Melodies and Mood Rings

Today has been one of those days where I feel especially anti-social.
Its one of those days where I just feel a little off.

There isn't anything wrong. There is not anything pressing and I don't have anything extra on my mind. I would just rather not talk. Sometimes life goes like that. And that is alright.

I used to feel like I always had to have a smile on my face and I always had to say that everything was fabulous when in fact, things were really crappy. I felt like that is what people expected of me, so that is what I did.

I had a conversation with a friend at the beginning of Bible school-- about a year and a half ago, about this. I told her that it was exhausting always having to be chipper. Always smiling and responding with "Great!" when anyone asked me how I was doing. She told me that it wasn't my responsibility to make people feel better by acting like things were alright when they weren't. And is that ever the truth.

God has been teaching me about feelings over the past several months. I skyped with a friend from Bible school last night, she is one of my best friends, and eventually the conversation got around to how we both feel as though we're in a place in our faith where sometimes we don't feel excited to worship. To do as God asks us to do. To serve Him. We don't always feel the butterflies and unicorns that we did when we were in Bible school. Its an odd place to be.

I think often times we start to wonder what is wrong when those feelings cease to exist. What I am learning, though, is that perhaps there isn't anything wrong. Maybe its just the fact that we are human and our emotions and feelings change day by day and often hour by hour or minute by minute.

We do not need to feel like obeying in order to obey.

We do not need to feel like serving God in order to serve Him.

I think one of the marks of maturity is when we choose to serve, to worship, to love even when we don't feel like it. Maybe that is when our character is formed and where we become firm, steady and deeply rooted.

In my life its never been during the times when things were peachy that I grew the most spiritually, mentally or emotionally. It has always been the times when things were a little off. When life didn't always make sense. When I had to make a choice to despair or to trust.

Its uncomfortable to walk through long seasons when we have to dig in deeper because our time with God doesn't involve life-changing revelations and breaking down while reading His word on a regular basis. But God doesn't base the quality of our relationship with Him on those things.

He sees our hearts and cares a whole heck of a lot about molding and shaping us, growing us and sanctifying us, whether that involves tears or not.

Tears or not, He is working. His work does not stop because of how I am feeling. And His character is constant through my ever changing emotions. I do not expect to always be happy. That is not my goal in life-- my goal is to serve Him through the breezy and beautiful as well as through the broken and bitter.

That isn't to say that our emotions don't matter, or that God does not care about how we are feeling-- quite the contrary. God cares more than we will ever be able to conceive. I feel deeply, and I know that God created me that way, and cares about my emotions. However, our feelings are not the most important aspect of our lives or faith. Our emotions have a place, but they need not dictate our lives.

Our faith is not stronger when we are happy and weaker when we're sad. We're not 'spiritual giants' when we are thrilled to worship and serve God and 'spiritual dwarfs' when it takes a whole lot of strength just to crack open His word.

 Our lives are a song to the One that we serve. Our lives are more about melodies than mood rings.

Community

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am really passionate about community.

 I am passionate about communication and unity.

I am passionate about people using their giftings to benefit the larger community, culture and world.

And recently I've found myself thanking God for the community that surrounds me each and every day as I wake, attend classes, work, socialize, eat and sleep. It is a community that is filled with deep, critical thinkers. It is a community where God's name is honored and His perspective is sought. It is a community of prayer and praise.

Not everyone has that community.

We've been talking about what it means to be made in the image of God, in Theology class. Its deeper than just having a soul, it involves responsibility-- in how we treat, view and speak of and to each other. It involves who we are. Its a part of our identity. Our instructor said that it was as though the very fingerprints of God are upon us. And its true. He has marked us as His. He allows us to reason, think, feel, act, love and express ourselves, as He does.

It is a privilege to be made in the image of God. And yet, its also a responsibility. It means that we are to treat ourselves and those around us with dignity, value and respect. No one is exempt. We are all made in the image of God.

If you're breathing, you've got His fingerprints upon you. That spurs us to live with an eternal perspective-- realizing that this life is about much more than just ourselves and our own little worlds. Its about HIM and what He is doing in the world, in the community and through us.

Our lives affect those around us. I am grateful that He allows us to be a small part of what He is doing on the earth. He doesn't have to allow us to be involved, and yet He delights to use that which He created to speak His truth and glory to the world.

So today I am reminded and grateful for this truth:

"To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another utterance of knowledge according to the same spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills."

1 Corinthians 12:7-11

Let's celebrate our different gifts. Let's walk in community and unity and appreciate that we serve a God that loves diversity.

Awkward Isn't Bad

I don't like awkward.

But nonetheless, sometimes often my life is awkward.

When I went to Malaysia a few years ago with my YWAM team, we started reminding each other to 'embrace the awkward.' Going to a different country, not knowing the expectations and ways of doing things and social norms created a lot of awkward situations.

Starting a new job is often awkward. Expectations and how things are done don't often 'click' right away.

 Sometimes when I am doing something new I feel like a child again-- having to ask a million questions just to know how things are done. I don't like the feeling-- I like knowing how to do something and how to do it well.

Perhaps this comes from being a chronic 'people-pleaser.' Perhaps it comes from just liking comfort a whole lot. Maybe it is a combination of the two.

However, being 22 and having traveled and changed locations, jobs, schools, always meeting new people and being forced to do things I've never done, that don't come naturally to me has inevitably created a lot of awkward situations. Not to mention that awkward somehow always seems to find me... Sometimes when it comes, it comes hard.

And I am convinced that that is alright. 

Awkward isn't bad. Its just uncomfortable. But I think its one of those things that causes us to grow, whether we realize it or not. We learn that awkward doesn't kill us, and sometimes, it even makes for a good story later.

So, in line with what God has been teaching me, and in line with the title of my blog, I am learning to let go of my expectations that life should not ever be awkward. And honestly, I am learning to move on when situations are awkward. They come all the time, and God is teaching me to let them roll off my back and continue with life.

They're not worth dwelling on.

They're not worth stealing my joy.

So, I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that awkward isn't bad, its just uncomfortable. And to encourage anyone who perhaps despises awkward situations as well, to breathe, relax and remember that its part of life.

We are molded through them.

We learn how to interact with others.

And sometimes they make the best stories later.  

Breathe in. Breathe out.