I Can Never Think of Creative Titles...

 Prelude: (Yep, I'm awesome and do 'preludes' to my blog posts...) Vulnerability is hard, and that is why I feel like I'm being challenged to do just that-- be vulnerable. So, here goes...

I don't do change well. Often times when I move locations or something shifts in my life, I end up grumpy and unpleasant to be around. I am a creature of habit and I love routine. And when I move, all of that gets shaken and I feel like I have to try to find my bearings once again amidst the craziness.

I think somewhere inside of me is this idea that I will next time somehow handle the tense situation just perfectly. And then when I snap or when I end up being a lot less gracious than I had hoped, I always get disappointed. But I am so glad that I am beginning to understand the truth of sanctification. Its not a destination, its a journey. And I'm grateful that others are on the journey as well. Nope, I'll never be that perfectly gracious, patient person that I paint in my head, but I know that I am growing to be more like Him as I follow Him. As He picks me up and dusts off my skinned knees, and places me back on me feet again.

Sometimes I wonder if others saw everything about me-- all my attitudes, actions and words if I would have any friends. I don't feel very gracious or patient or loving much of the time. Only through His strength can I bit my tongue in the moments that I feel like snapping. And often times, I walk in my own strength, and end up saying something that I regret. Its in these moments-- the moments that I fail miserably in my humanness that I realize all the more, his great 'God-ness.' His perfect nature that comes in and loves me through the mess and reminds me of the fact that I am beloved despite myself. I don't have to earn his love. I don't have to fight for it. Its there-- simply and freely, always. That is why He is different from all other 'gods.' Because its not about me or anybody being good enough to earn his favor, its simply about the fact that His grace covers it, because its like an ocean.

I'm grateful that he doesn't say "Ok, Hannah, you've messed up 456,321 times, now I am done forgiving." Nope. Not once has he ever said that-- nor will he. His love truly is extravagant. It blows me away, and I feel as though I can relate to the Psalmist as he pours out praises upon the Lord-- realizing his great love.

I could never imagine all that I would learn about Him in a few short months, but I can say with more certainty than ever before that His grace is enough and that His love reaches to the heavens, and His faithfulness stretches to the skies. For that, I praise Him.

This song was continually running through my head while writing this, and I borrowed a few lyrics earlier, so give it a listen :)

Cheers.

His Birthday

I've been back 'home' for a week now, for Christmas break, and I have to say that this week has been different than expected, but I am learning what it means to live in simplicity with sweet Jesus.

 I always tend to complicate the simple. The concept of following Jesus is simple, but it isn't easy. God has been showing me the simplicity as I've been here at home. He's given me a rest and a peace as I've walked through some tough things with people I love. Normally my heart would be in knots and my head would be spinning in a time like this, but all I feel now is complete peace and rest in the arms of a loving Savior. And all I can say is 'thank you.'

He's showing me that life with him is a daily thing. It really isn't about how long I spend in silence or reading my Bible everyday-- its about surrendering everyday to His will and His plans for my life. Its about saying 'yes' to living for him and saying 'no' to the things of the world. I am so grateful that God doesn't measure success in the way that humans so often do. He looks at the heart-- for Him its always been about the condition of the heart.

He's showing me that he alone is source of peace and joy. Even in rough times, even in times of uncertainty, He is the source of strength that keeps me going. I could not continue on by myself, but each day as I wake up, he grants daily bread and bestows some of His strength upon me, to get through the day-- whatever may come.

He's showing me that it isn't about straining to be good enough, because, I simply can't be 'good enough.' I fail everyday. But through Christ's sacrifice, I am made clean and whole in Him. That is the most beautiful promise. He was and is good enough, and that was more than enough to cover all of our sins. I realize more and more how sin-cursed this world is, and how in need of a Savior we all are. And in that, I am grateful for the One that came to be that sacrifice for our sins.

And on that note-- Merry Christmas, and Happy birthday, Jesus! Thank you...

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

"Its the most wonderful time of the year!" and "I'm dreaming of a White Christmas..." are among the many festive lyrics heard between Thanksgiving and Christmas day every year. I enjoy Christmas-- the lights and the jolly spirit of many. I love the decorations and picking out the perfect gift for all those on my list. Presents were always my favorite as a child-- of course.

And while I enjoy these things, and I don't think they're wrong or bad, God has been reminding me where the focus should be. Its about Jesus coming, in human form, humbly and as a baby, to save the world. As I've thought about the birth of Jesus this year, its been impossible for me NOT to think of his entire life. His coming as a baby was significant, because it was the means that God used to forgive his people of their sins, so they could live with him in eternity.

So often we think about the birth of Jesus at this time, and that is what Christmas is about, but I think its so important to remember what his birth meant, and what it led to. It led to human beings being able to approach the throne of grace with confidence, knowing that their sins were forgiven and their debt was paid. He came into the world to save sinners (1 Timothy 1:15). Jesus entire life is what mattered. And his entire life was lived as a sacrifice and as a servant-- even though he was God himself, the King incarnate! That is what Christmas is about.

Enjoy the festivities, but don't let them become the focus. Jesus really is the greatest gift ever given, and through that gift, we can LIVE.

He is the LIGHT of the world. I love the significance of Christmas lights-- they're fun and all, but they're also a great symbolism of Jesus coming, as the light that the world so desperately needed.

And, this is what Christmas is about, in a nutshell--

Merry Christmas, All!

Just Breathe

I am always amazed at the faithfulness of God. I really don't know why I am always amazed, every time he is faithful, because that is part of His character that never changes. I think it takes me a while to learn these things sometimes. He just faithfully does his thing and patiently teaches me his truth.

I am experiencing God in a different way than I ever have. He is teaching me things that I've never thought much about. He's showing me that He really is all I need. That He is provider, healer and comforter.

I wrote this down the other day, while listening to a song by Jeremy Camp; the lyrics say-- "..Take the world and give me Jesus...":

That means he clears out everything that isn't of him and he takes out the things that we grasp onto that are idols. He cleanses us of all that is "us" and replaces it with him. Are you willing to let him do that? Are you willing to allow his to have everything, trusting that He knows better and that He will do as He sees fit? He is trustworthy and faithful. All that He has to offer is BETTER than anything the world has to offer. It always will be. 

FAITHFUL.

I can hardly believe that school is almost a third of the way over-- I feel as though all that He's taught and shown and been faithful to reveal is just mind blowing. Its a little bit overwhelming, and I'm actually not really sure how to put it into words. But I can say, with more assurance than ever before-- HE IS FAITHFUL! He really is. And something that He's reminded me of in that is an eternal perspective makes a huge difference. When we remember where we will be in eternity, the hardships of this life don't seem as daunting. Heaven is going to be awesome!

Life isn't always easy, and I am aware that its challenging, and hard and really sad sometimes. And this journey hasn't been an easy one. There have been a lot of challenges that have met me on my way, but in that I know that I don't walk alone. He promised to be with His children, and that is such a comfort to me (Joshua 1:5). 

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

From the Inside, Out

This journey has been insane-- I'm reading through the Bible, and we're moving so quickly, and yet God is faithful to show himself through scripture and through the words spoken each day.

He's been showing me some pretty incredible things--

We had a speaker come a few weeks ago, and he asked if God never spoke to us again, if we'd be alright with that. That was a challenge. And its something that I remembered as I thumbed through my journal again, today. And even if I never heard him speak to me today, I have his word which is eternal, and he speaks through that. How powerful.

That next week were were singing 'How He Loves' and a line from the song says-- 'He loves like a hurricane' and it dawned on me that I had never, not once thought of what that meant. But when I took a few moments, it was mind blowing. This is what God showed me--

A hurricane is all consuming, it picks up everything in its path. 

It is a large, driving force and you can see the effects of it after its gone through.

The land doesn't remain untouched. There is a definite change, and its noticable.

Maybe that is what the lyricist was trying to convey by that.

His love changes us, shakes us up and consumes our entire being.

Its not a weak or pathetic love. 

Its a MASSIVE love. Its a love that causes foundations to be shaken, until He becomes the foundation.

A hurricane is POWERFUL.

You love like a hurricane, and yet, that doesn't even come close. 

Wow. 

God usually speaks about the same thing for a period of time, to me. And he reminded me yesterday of this truth--

To love God from the inside out means to first love him in our hearts, to believe and trust in His goodness, and then for that love to come bubbling out in how we live our lives, in serving and loving God and others.

But that ultimately flows from a love for God that starts of the inside. 

The outside is just a mirror of what is on the inside. 

And as I study the Bible, although each book has its own theme, the thread that runs through the entire Bible seems to be this-- 

YOUR SIN IS NOT TOO BIG FOR GOD TO FORGIVE. Because of His sacrifice on the cross, because of his bruised, broken body on our behalf, we are justified in Him. Its not about doing more good works than bad works. Its about just having faith in the truth of His promise and love.

We're studying Romans this week, and that is in there so clearly. For us in might not be an argument over circumcision, but how often do we make a tally list and judge based off of how well someone keeps the 'law' (which by the way, only shows how sinful we are)? His grace is beyond that, but we must accept it. He doesn't force anyone upon himself, He wants people to come willingly and with a genuine love for him. 

I am loving learning about this. His word is so powerful.

Watch Me!

A child no older than the age of five taught me a really beautiful lesson today.

I had been working all day, and needed a little break--so I took advantage of the sunshine, and the beautiful deck off of our dorm. I sat out there, and as the sun poured onto me, I listened to the sounds of children riding their trikes on the pavement below. They were loving life, and didn't have a care in the world. One of the little girls shouted, "Watch me, daddy!" As she attempted to show off her biking skills.

It was at that moment that God spoke to me. He reminded me that that is like his relationship to us. Just as any parent delights in their child's success and loves to watch them learn new things and discover the world, so He loves watching us learn and grow. We trek out, on our wobbly two wheel bike, and we shout "Watch me, daddy!" and there He is, to watch and to smile and to catch us when we fall. There he is to cheer us on and to love us through our failures and successes.

I am convinced that He loves it when we step out and try something new, when we're so enamored with life, and we just shout, "Watch me, Daddy!" That he is proud  when we live and love life. Today He reminded me to see the world through the eyes of a child. To children, life is an adventure, and they have no trouble believing in their loving, Heavenly Father.

He is good!

Thankful Thursday

Ok its cheesy, I suppose, but I got this idea from a fellow blogger, and I like it. So there. Was feeling a bit down this morning, and then I just stopped and made a list of things that I am thankful for. It really does something for the spirit when we actually acknowledge and write out the things which we're grateful for. Try it sometime!

Without further ado, here is mine:

childrens laughter. sunshine. new clothes. music. italian sodas. soft pillows. neighbors getting 'flocked' with flamingoes. space bags. faithful friends. patient God. colorful flowers. facebook. community. best job ever. Montana. snow. butterflies. watching movies. jogs. books. passion. being called to something greater.  creativity. the color red. road trips. horses. the country. dirt. fanta. ability to travel. singing. my bed. cute socks. weddings. LOVE. international friends. ocean. adventures. prayer. babies. nail polish. purpose. lady bugs. ability to write. tractors. sunsets. stars. warm beanies. food. sleep. Bible. guys. emotions. philippians 1:6. beach. tennis. olympics. sand castles. heroes. airports.  snail mail. phones. home. black picture frames. beautiful dresses. photography. Bella (my cat). family. apple juice.  perspective. small group.  LAUGHTER. grass. picnics. parks. water wars. Africa. pizza. Christmas. packages. doll houses.  purses. four wheeling. taking showers. rainbows. body of Christ. cherry blossoms. couches. sharpies. being able to drive. flip flops. beautiful hair. children of the world. PEOPLE. psychology. massages. victorian houses. paint. art. restoration. baby fat. handmade gifts. computers. light. forgiveness. pools. swings. slushies. church. missions. blogging. boats. breathtaking landscapes. windows. movie nights. decorations. elephants. LIFE.

The Spice of Life

I think its safe to say I am a fairly 'emotional' person. Not as in I have emotions (because everyone has emotions) but in that I wear my heart on my sleeve and don't hide my emotions very often.

I have been self conscious about this throughout my life. It isn't really condoned in our 'pick-yourself-up-by- your-bootstraps society.' Even among females. It actually might be condoned less amongst females in that it is brushed off and attributed to her gender, hormones, PMS or general craziness. These could all be true, but that isn't really doing the reality of very present and real emotions justice.

I am an emotional person. And you know what? That shouldn't be a problem. I was born this way (no, I am NOT quoting Lady Gaga, although I do enjoy some of her music... I digress). I was born with a large palette of emotions within this heart of mine, and while often times it seems like those emotions come and attack me, they're not fake. And something that I've even had to continually remind myself of-- they're not because I'm crazy. I am crazy, I'm sure. But my raw and real emotions are not present because of that craziness.

And another truth about these emotions-- I am convinced that they can and do bless the Father's heart. I don't say that simply to condone my tendency to cry at weddings or baby showers, but because they were given to me by Him.

Whenever I start to get insecure about my tears that come without warning sometimes, I am reminded of those that came before. David-- the 'man after God's own heart' that has become one that we speak highly of, and that God spoke highly of, was also, highly emotional. Don't believe me?? Read through the Psalms. Its all there. Its like reading David's journal. In one psalm he is praising God and singing and dancing with the tambourine and the next he is speaking of how his enemies pursue him from every side. He cries out to God in anguish. And you know what?? It was all true. Those were real things that David was feeling and no one ever judges him for having those emotions.

So why do we judge people today for being 'emotional beings'? Yes, it may be subtle judgement, but its there nonetheless. Hear me out-- coming from someone that does cry more than my 8 year old cousin, please don't judge. I am not crazy. You are not crazy. The presence of emotions does NOT automatically denote 'craziness.' Crying is a release, it feels good to cry when I am overwhelmed and confused. Sometimes, you just need a good cry. Nothing wrong with that.

I was blessed by a friend who, when I told her that I was having an emotional day said this--
"I like that about you, people who don't have emotions aren't really living" I don't think I had ever heard someone say that before. But it blessed this heart.

So. There you have it. I am learning that variety really is the spice of life. I hope you agree. And I hope that although we're different, we can learn to not only accept, but also appreciate our differences.

Ta ta for now!

I want to soar

I've said it a million times, and, at the risk of being repetitive, I'll say it again-- I love the country. I was out there today, and its like, when I am in the country, I am physically free to run, jump, hop, walk and wander as far as my heart desires. And maybe there is a connection between that physical freedom, and my heart's freedom. I feel more free to soar and dream when I am in the country.

I look out over the rolling hills, to the coast range mountains. I see the little cars drive by, a mile or more away. I see a house or two, maybe a barn and a silo. And in that I feel like I could run forever. And I would most definitely run out of breath before I run out of land!

I think of the wild stallions and lions and gazelle. They are FREE. There isn't anything that ropes them in, they are free to wander, hunt, hide, run, and go wherever they please. They might even see more of the world than many humans ever do, because, they are not afraid of uncharted territory. They are not afraid of what tomorrow might hold. They aren't afraid of what their little animal friends might think. I mean, I guess they do run around naked, so not a lot phases them. They think only about the present. And they travel in packs.

I can't help but think that that should be us-- what is holding us back from dreaming? Is it the fear of tomorrow? Is it the fear of what other people think? Is it finances? Is it fear of the unknown?? Those are all very real fears. I understand that, I have lived all of those. And yet, in the moments when I've been gripped by those fears, those were the times when I didn't dream. Those were the times when my heart didn't soar. The unknown was too scary and I became self pitying. I am convinced, no one wants to live like that.

I don't have a secret formula, or a step by step guide on dreaming. If I did, I would share it, but unfortunately, the guide was lost in translation. Truth be told, I don't know what the future holds for you or for me, but, cheesy as it sounds, I do know the one that holds my future. He is the one that planted dreams inside this heart before I even realized them. They were His dreams before they were mine. And that is a beautiful thought. And through him I am FREE. I am free to dream, soar, and love. He is freedom and peace. I can't think of much else that is more exciting than that.

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.

John 8:36

Perfection.

I seldom understand the way in which God works in my life and the lives of those around me, and yet, he constantly does, and it blows me away every time. I've come to realize that most of the time, I know so little of what I truly need, and God gently molds me and shows me that what I thought I needed wasn't what I needed at all.

During these last couple of months at home, God has really been moving inside of me. He's been showing me more of His incredible, awesome, and completely indescribable character. He's been showing me that in Him, my value is priceless. He calls me by name and He reminds me of my beauty in Him.

 God speaks so gently to me and maybe the most profound thing that He's been showing me is that it is alright to make mistakes. That isn't really something that we hear very often in Christian circles. Its all about the 'rat race' and keeping up appearances, you know? Because, heaven forbid we ever struggle. Good grief. Those are big fat lies. God constantly uses flawed, imperfect, temperamental ragamuffins to work through in this world and to bring glory to His name. What an honor!

As I've been thinking about this, I realized that for most of my life I didn't allow myself to struggle. I didn't allow myself to fall or fail. Whenever I did, I felt as though I had let God down. I had let others down. And everyone else just had it all together. I expected near perfection from myself. It sounds really ridiculous, and it was, but it was so subconscious, I didn't even realize that that thinking was embedded in me until God really started to reveal it to me.

When God showed me that it was alright to make mistakes, it changed things for me. I stopped trying to 'be good enough' and I stopped feeling guilty about 'not doing enough' to advance the kingdom. It really, truly brought so much freedom to my life and my walk with Christ.

Those that God used throughout the Bible to advance His name were those with some of the worst resumes. But that didn't matter to God. He cares about a willing and humble heart, not how 'good' we look on the outside.

God uses all sorts, it is true. How about a former murderer of God's people, turned into one that planted churches and wrote much of the New Testament? How about a stubborn, hard headed disciple who denied he knew Jesus, and yet was one of three of Christ's closest friends while on earth? How about a young shepherd boy who trusted in God, and slayed a giant through the Father's strength, and later became king? The same one that also committed adultery and murder? He was called, by none other than God alone, 'A man after God's own heart.'

His love and grace floor me.  I can't comprehend it, and I can't understand his mercies, which are new every morning, but I am honored that He wants to use me. I am so, so grateful that God desires to use those with a willing heart to bring glory to His name. It really is mind blowing. And I can say with complete confidence, and full assurance, that He is an incredible, GOOD God!

Ragamuffin

I don't usually advertise on my blog, but I just had to say that this book has honestly, been revolutionary in my life. It has really spoken to me, and has changed the way that I think about so many things. I highly recommend it.

As of late...

Life is funny you know?

Lately I've realized this mentality that has popped up in my thinking-- this flawed mentality. Its frustrating, because I realize that it is flawed, and yet, I have a hard time shaking it. The mentality is this: That somehow I'm not doing enough for the Kingdom here at home. That I am not being a good enough 'witness' because I haven't had lengthy conversations about Jesus with those who don't know Him, or nothing truly 'extraordinary' has happened since returning home.

I guess I always see God in the incredible, extraordinary things that happen from time to time, but I struggle to see him in the everyday, simple events. Yet, I KNOW that God loves our everyday lives. Simple things, He gets joy out of.

Truth of the matter is: 'Ministry' or whatever the heck you want to call it does NOT look the same at home as it did while I was overseas. Maybe its because many of those people didn't know at all about Jesus. I would venture to say that most people in the States, DO know. So often to for me, here, witness happens through relationship, through reminding people that they are loved and praying for them and just being a good friend. But even though I know that is true, this little lie pops up and tells me that unless I am speaking to them about Jesus, it won't matter.

That is a LIE! It is a big freaking lie. And yet I'm so quick to believe it sometimes. Now, knowing that isn't an excuse NOT to talk to people. Words are necessary sometimes, but actions HAVE to show love as well. Its a fine line, I think. The thing that does, however, encourage me in all of this is that God continually reminds me that I am His and that focusing on Him alone is most important, and through that our 'ministry' can come, but its not about 'ministry' its about Him.

So, here I am, being honest. Its hard, because I like to feel like everything is peachy, because, somehow that must mean that my relationship with God is stronger, or something, right?? Ha ha, what a joke. I know I'm not alone in all of this, and that encourages me, as well.

Couldn't have said it better than this:

Have a beautiful day, and embrace your uniqueness!

Home

They say 'Home is where the heart is.' I would have to agree with that statement, but its one that we say so glibly and move on, without really thinking about all that really means. I know for me, the definition of the word 'home' has changed drastically over the past year. Traveling will do that to you.

 I realized part way through my time in Montana that 'home' for me, is anywhere that I am, where God is with me and I am surrounded by friends and family. In that case, Montana is my home. Malaysia is my home. Belize is my home. Oregon is my home.

Home is not one, specific, individual place. Home is where I can be me, and be loved for all that I am and all that I am not. Home is where I have people that I love and adore, and that feel the same toward me. Home is where I can rest assured that friends are never far away, and laughter is present. Home is a safe place to rest my head. Home is wherever I go that God is with me. I love that 'home' is NOT just one place. I love that 'home' is the world. I am home.

Building

My dad is a contractor, so I think this whole 'building' thing is kind of ingrained in me. I've been around unfinished houses, shelves and remodels my whole life. I've also had the privilege of not only seeing the unfinished product, but also the polished, beautiful, final product.

Even though I have been around all of this my entire life, something dawned on me recently about building that I never realized before. I was out helping my dad at a house he's building, and I stopped in the middle of what I was doing for a few moments, and surveyed my surroundings. It was, quite frankly, a disaster. There were makeshift 'tables' that had been set up to collect whatever junk was lying around, tools and cords were everywhere, nails, sawdust and metal piping had their place on the floor. It definitely didn't look very appealing. But, I know enough about the process of building a house to know that one day, it will be gorgeous. It always is. And I always sit there in awe, of how what looked like such a mess, became a beautiful home.

Its so funny to me... I think God speaks to me when I am out in nature more than anywhere else. Maybe I feel a sense of freedom that no other place gives me. Maybe its the beauty. I don't know, but every time that I go to the country, I feel like I hear such vivid truths from God. This time was no different-- God spoke quietly to my heart, and he reminded me that that house looked like a disaster, and, it was a disaster, but, that is not the end. That house was slowly being changed, built, added onto, and one day it will be breathtaking.

So it is with our lives, or maybe the lives of those around us. How often do we get discouraged because we see someone in what looks like a hopeless situation, and we just give up on them? Or what about ourselves?? Sometimes we're our own harshest critic. We look at our lives and all we see is how far we still 'need' to go, but we fail to see how far we've come. We fail to realize that we are still a work in progress. Things might look messy, or disastrous, or ugly, but God is not through working in us yet. In fact, He won't be through while we're on this earth. Honestly, that is one of the most encouraging things to me. It reminds me of one of my favorite verses...

Philippians 1:6--Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ.

YESSS! Is there any promise better than that?! I am SO glad that my God does not give up when things look ugly and grim. He is outside of space and time, and He can see the 'final product' even when all I see is the messy present. What an awesome God He is!

Photo credit: tcarterministries.com

Beauty through the mess

So much running through my mind right now, I can't even express it all. I wish there were words and I wish it all made sense, but it doesn't.

I skyped with Esther this morning. She is so wise, and always knows what to say and how to say it.  Basically what I've realized regarding all that has been running through my mind is this: God does not want us to oeranalyze everything. Life can and is so simple when we just live our everyday lives with Him in mind, and put him first in all we do. What if we just woke up everyday and asked God, 'What do you want me to do today?' And we did it. What if we lived being guided by the spirit minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day?? How would it change our lives and the lives of those around us?

So what if people don't like us. So what if they don't respond to our phone calls and text messages. That doesn't give us an excuse not to continue loving them. God loves them, and therefore, so should we. People are fickle and flaky and they let us down and disappoint us. Why should we rely on them for our worth or value? We will never, ever be satisfied if we put people in the place where God should be. If we expect them to be perfect and to come through in every way, we will only be disappointed time after time.

Lately I've been realizing that there are a lot of people out there who do love me deeply, who I don't regularly talk to. Six months that would have blown my mind. It doesn't make sense that you wouldn't talk to someone that you care about so deeply, but I've learned that everyone shows their love differently. You CAN be friends long distance, without talking a lot. You CAN appreciate and love another person that you speak with only occasionally. I know, because its true in my life. I love each of my classmates from Montana, but talk to only a handful of them regularly. I want so badly to speak with each of them all the time. I want them to want to talk to me also, but life doesn't always work that way. And you know what? That is ok, because life isn't about me... people have commitments and families and things to do, and I am NOT at the center of their universe. So I am learning that its alright to be friends with someone without knowing every detail of every second of their lives. I'm learning to appreciate what I do have instead of focusing on what I don't have.

There will always be someone who is smarter, has more friends, has better hair, eyes, car, someone who can sing better, or who is more tactful. So? At the end of our lives God isn't going to look at those things. God is going to look at how we loved those whom he placed in our path, how we served Him and others. So why not make that our focus? Why not focus on other people, instead of on self? Why not learn to die to self, so we can live for Christ?

These things that I speak of are not by any means easy. They don't come naturally, but they are things that change the world. Love changes things-- the love of the Father. My prayer is that we can learn to love one another without expecting anything in return, without having an agenda or hidden motives. Jesus loved everyone, even those who spat on him, blasphemed him, betrayed him, and crucified Him. Surely we can love those in our lives. Jesus took the ultimate pain. One of the people that was supposed to be closest to him ended up thinking only of self and betrayed Jesus-- handed him over to be crucified. I have never been crucified, and I would venture to say, if you're reading this, you never have been either. Surely, we can learn to love through the trials that life brings.

God has been speaking to me recently about my over dependance on other people. He has asked me if I would be happy with Him and Him alone. If I never had a single friend for the rest of my life, if I never got another phone call or message, would I be alright? Right now, I prefer not to think of the answer. I am afraid of messy. I am afraid of just weeping and being completely open with my Father in heaven because I worry that the mess will be too big to clean up. I worry that others won't understand. Because of course, I am the only one with issues. That is what I believe so often. Is there anything farther from the truth?? Heaven forbid we're actually open with our struggles... because then people know we're not perfect *gasp.* We can't have that, now can we?? PLEASE. That is ridiculous. So my challenge to you, and to myself is this: Be open, be honest and love with everything you are.

A friend recently made the comment, in passing that 'fear is a choice.' I didn't say anything at the moment, but that statement could not be more true. Stop letting fear get in the way. Stop caring what people think. The tough truth is, there are people that don't like you. There are people that don't like me. And...? God doesn't look down on us from heaven and count the number of people that dislike us, and judge us on that account. And I am so glad about that. So glad that he looks at the heart instead of outward, physical things.

We serve a BIG God. A GOOD God. And we've only just experienced a fraction of a percent of that BIGNESS and GOODNESS. Thankful that He is way bigger than I could imagine. I would not want to serve a small God.

I apologize for the sporatic post, and for the lack of structure. But this is what is in my mind, and its not clean and tidy. But God is big enough to clean up the messes. Isn't that good news?

Sometimes I sit here, just reminiscing and thinking about my life and I begin to wonder: "Who gets to do this?? Who gets to travel the world, and learn about God and make awesome friends, and spend time every week with kids that I adore, and live in a beautiful house and have a family who I love dearly and who loves me back and who gets to drive and read and scrapbook and laugh and watch movies and share my life and live a life that is this blessed??"

I am blown away. Every second of my life God has been right by my side. Not once have I ever walked alone. Not once has He ever abandoned me or told me that I needed to get my act together before He could be with me. Nope. Not once. His patience and love is beyond bounds. He is faithful and righteous. He has provided every step of the way. Not one day of my life have I been hungry, or not had clothes to wear (unless I didn't do laundry when I should have... but that is my fault, ha!) Never have I not had transportation to get where I needed to go. Never have I not had someone to talk to when I was struggling.

Really... who gets to live this awesome life?? At 21 years of age, I can say, I am truly blessed. I have done nothing to deserve the Lord's favor on my life, but He blesses me nonetheless. Why? Sometimes I wonder that. Why does He bless me?? I am so often selfish and proud, and yet I am reminded that He doesn't bless me for how 'good' I am, He blesses me because I am His. I can't think of a more comforting promise. I am His. And I will rest in the fact that He is GOOD and He knows all.

Your love, O, Lord, reaches to the

heavens,

your faithfulness is like the mighty

mountains, 

your justice is like the great deep.

O, Lord, you preserve both man and

beast.

Psalm 36:5-6

Thoughts from "Searching for God Knows What" By Donald Miller (Part II)

Can I just say, quickly, that this book is changing how I think about things-- in a good way. It is amazingly thought provoking and the writing style and contents are awesome. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who is interested in any book on Christian Spirituality.

"And yet the crime the couple committed seems unforgivable. They fell for a trick. Far from a technicality in behavior, their eating of the fruit was a heart-level betrayal between committed friends: God and man. At issue in the tragedy of the Garden is a relational crime. Adam and Eve were not satisfied with their relationship with God, and they wanted to change the dynamic by increasing their own power, a reality that simply wasn't possible, save the fantasy realm whispered to them through the words of the evil one" (83).

"I get this feeling sometimes that after the world ends, when God destroys all our buildings and our flags, we will wish we had seen everybody as equal, that we had eaten dinner with prostitutes, held them in our arms, opened up spare rooms for them and loved them and learned from them. I was just another stupid child in the flow, you know; I didn't know any of these things. I didn't know it didn't matter what a person looked like, how much money they made of whether or not they were cool. I didn't know that cool was just a myth and that one person was just as beautiful and meaningful as another" (104).

"As horrible as it sounds, it would make sense that things of worth are things God loves, and things that don't have worth are things God doesn't love. I mean, I really started wondering if maybe a human is defined by who loves him. I know it sounds terrible, because we have always grown up believing that a person is valuable even if nobody loves them, and I certainly agree with that because God made everybody and the Bible very clearly states He loves everybody. But, as Paul said, if those relations are disturbed, the relations between God and man, then we feel the desire to be loved and respected by other people instead of God, and if we don't get that love and respect, we feel very sad or angry because we know that our glory is at stake, that if there isn't some glory being shone through us by somebody who has authority, we'll be dead inside, like a little light will go out and our souls will feel dark, like nothing can grow there. We'll feel that there is a penalty, by default, for being removed from love" (108).

"People see what they want to see based on what associations are going to help them survive" (112).

"I watched an interview with Mel Gibson recently, about his film The Passion of the Christ. Gibson said it was important for Jesus to look very masculine in the film, and he wanted an actor who was good-looking. And I thought the movie The Passion was quite beautiful, bit I wondered if very many people would go to see it if the guy who played Jesus in the movie were ugly. And that made me wonder how many people would follow Jesus today if, say, He showed up in America looking the way He looked thousands of years ago. I wondered if anybody would want to interview Jesus on television. I'll bet, if Jesus came to America and tried to do television interviews, the only people who would interview Him would be the people on public television, because on public television they are not concerned about associating their television personalities with the commercial endorsement of products" (125).

Simple Truths

What the HECK just happened??

That is what I am wondering. I've been home for about five weeks, and I am still processing every day, trying to figure out all of these questions in my head; trying to get some clarity into what it is that took place over the past five months; and desperately trying to settle back into life here at home, while also struggling to maintain long distance relationships and just kind of wishing everyone I love was in one place.

I knew the 'adjustment' wasn't going to be easy. It hasn't been. But it also hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be... or rather, its been hard in different ways than I had anticipated. Its like, I live and think differently now, and I don't know how to incorporate everything into my life here at home. Because there isn't that same 'community' as there was in Montana. Community was everywhere. Sometimes it drove me crazy, because I never got a moment alone. But most of the time, I loved it.

Something I'm learning through this is: Life is about relationship. Relationship with the Father; relationship with others. Its about loving. Its about taking risks. People aren't always going to agree or understand, or like you. But what does it matter? People didn't like Jesus either, and he was freaking perfect. And I am learning what the body is supposed to look like. I am learning that it is possible to have the best friends a girl could ask for hundred, thousands of miles away. Even oceans away. Geographical distance doesn't determine relational closeness... at least it shouldn't.

Yeah... He's teaching me a lot. And I love what He's teaching me. But in the process, I am being stretched and challenged. Which I don't always like. But, in the end, it is always right. In the end, its what I need.

I suspect this processing that is taking place will continue to for some time. Everyone that I have talked to who went through the same experience, is still processing. And quite frankly, that is probably a good thing. It seems to me that the day we stop 'processing' is the day we stop learning. And we were meant to learn and grow. It is how we become more of who we were meant to be. So I will enjoy the journey.

I Want to be Like a Tree

This song has been rolling around in my head for the past little while, and I love the message of it. Its based off of Jeremiah 17:8, and its a beautiful song.

I do not own this song. 'I want to Be Like a Tree' by Justin Rizzo.

There is something inside of me that so desires to grab a hold of the steering wheel and to just hold on until my knuckles turn white, because, heaven forbid something unexpected happens. If I have the steering wheel, then I know where I'm going. I have control, and then I won't have anything to worry about. At least, that is what I think in my subconscious being. If a bump comes, I know its coming, if a curve comes, I can prepare myself. But if I give the steering wheel away, I don't always know what is coming, or even I do, I don't control the car.

So today I am learning to let go of the wheel and let "Jesus take the wheeeelll, take it from my hands!" Yep. I am learning to let go of control and focus intently on my Savior, the one who has it all under control. And I am learning to enjoy the ride. It is a beautiful ride, if I just spend a little time looking out the window.

Don't forget to look out the window.

I do not own this video. From youtube.com

With Dreams as big

 as the Texas sky!

Not Afraid

I feel like this song very accurately describes my place in life right now. 

"Not Afraid Anymore"
By: Leeland

I feel Your lightning waking me up
From the sleep of my timid soul
I’ve been in hiding from all Your plans
Your command that told me to go
And I’ve spent all my life keeping my head down
But I’m lifting up my eyes
I raise my flag up high, my flag up high

I’m not afraid anymore
‘Cause I am running with Your fire, Lord
I’m picking up my sword
You train my hands and my fingers for war
I’m not afraid anymore

I hear the trumpet ringing out in these streets
Where kingdoms collide
So I’m responding
This is a fight for love, this is death or life
And when my knees are weak
I know Your hands are strong
And they are holding me
I’ll never be alone, never be alone

You’re chasing my fears away
There’s no reason to be afraid
Your love is here chasing my fears away

Your love is here chasing my fears away 

Thougths from: "Searching For God Knows What" By Donald Miller

"Of course, I got frustrated. And it really got me thinking that, perhaps formula books, by that I mean books that take you through a series of steps, may not be all that compatible with the Bible, I looked on the shelf at all the self help books I happened to own, the ones about losing weight, the ones about making girls like you, the ones about getting rich and, the ones about starting your own pirate radio station, and I realized none of them actually helped me all that much. All the promises of fulfillment really didn't work. My life was fairly normal before I had read them, meaning I had good days and bad days, and then my life was fairly normal after I read them too, meaning I still had good days and bad days. It made me wonder, honestly, if such a complex existence as the one you and I are living can really be broken down into a few steps. It seems if there were a formula to fix life, Jesus would have told us what it was" (11).

"I realize, of course, that this is very silly and there is no such thing as a genie that lives in a lamp, but it makes me wonder if secretly we don't wish God were a genie who could deliver a few wishes here and there. And that makes me wonder if what we really want from the formulas are the wishes, not God. It makes me wonder if what we want is control, not a relationship" (12).

The words to this song really resonated with me today:

'You Are For Me' -- Kari Jobe

So faithful, so constant and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient, so gracious, so merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/k/kari_jobe/you_are_for_me.html ]
Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me

Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are
To remind me

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

Funkified

 Do you like the name of my post? I thought it was appropriate :)

I'm at this really funky place in life right now. It is bittersweet; easy and hard. I am at a crossroads of sorts. It really makes no sense to me, all of the thoughts flowing through my brain at any given time... but they're thoughts that need to be thought about.

I have some big decisions to make. Some things that I am uncertain about. And every now and again I get a bit stressed when I am thinking about it all, but mostly, I have peace. I really do. It is complete madness to me to have peace in the midst of all of this, but I do. God has just come in and really given me this underlying peace, despite these decisions that need to be made. I know He's guiding me and showing me what He has for me. No doubt about it.

Revelations always happen in the shower or in the car. Am I right?! Yeah, I'm right. Today was no different. I was driving up to a friends' house this morning, thinking about the possibilities for the future, and I was whining to God a bit, and He kind of just spoke to me and said: "Hannah, you think that I am not answering you quickly, but if that is true, its because I want you to seek me out. Its so easy to go about life all giddy and happy when things make sense, and not rely on me fully. But when things are uncertain and tough, then you really have to rely fully on me. I am drawing you to myself through this. Trust me. You are growing, and learning about me because you have to wait."

Wow. Is that ever true! It reminds me of a podcast I was listening to last night. It is by Andy Stanley, who pastors Northpoint Community Church in Louisiana, or Georgia, or somewhere in that vicinity (I am a geography genius, clearly). He was talking about how when others are going through a hard time, we pray for them, when we're going through hard times, we doubt. Then he said this: "Why is it when its our lives, our faith suffers?" Wow. That is a bold statement to make. But so often we go around with the mentality that because God is silent, He must be absent. It is baffling, really. The reality of who God is does not change based off of our circumstances.

So, needless to say, I am learning a lot right now. And I am loving it. God is really showing me so many truths about Himself. He is so faithful.

Here is a link the podcast. Give it a listen:

http://www.northpoint.org/messages/when-god

I will wait

This is a good one. Take a second to watch.

 

Current affairs.

I have had so much on my mind over the past couple of weeks, I'm sure you could fill a library with them. But so much of the time I haven't known how to put them into words. Writing is easier than speaking right now, because the thoughts flow better; but its still a stretch.

Adjusting to life at home has been interesting to say the least. Its insanity to come from this life of having a schedule and being busy always to having little to no schedule and loads of free time. I need this down time, but it is such a drastic change from what I've grown accustomed to, I think the first couple of days I was still in shock. So often its like I'm walking around in a fog, not sure if this is 'real life' or not.

 I wouldn't trade the experience I've had for anything in the world. It changed me in ways I didn't even realize until I got home. I shared things that I wasn't able to share before. I made better friends in five months than I ever would have expected. I learned about our Father and His immense love for us. I heard Him speak, to ME! I cried. A lot. But they were healing tears. They were tears that I needed to cry.

I can look back, five months later and see the work that God did in my life, and the lives of those I have come to call 'family.' He is a good God, and He did some awesome work. He never gave up on us, He continued molding us, and shaping us. Even when I didn't like it, and when I was uncomfortable and asked God to take me out of the hard situations, He continued to work.

Something I know is true, and that I can say with every fiber of my being now: God is faithful. He is patient and His love exceeds bounds. He is a GOOD God.

Even now as I am processing, and trying to figure out what comes next, He is guiding me. He is giving me peace and contentment and showing me how deeply He desires fellowship with His children. It never ceases to amaze me.

I love my God.

And I leave you with another small glimpse into my life over the past five months:

 Halloween Festival. I was a 90's kid. Bam.

 This base is beautiful always. I love it.

 Me and my Malaysian friend.

 YWAM. Also known as: Home

 Commissioning night: showing the changes that God brought about in our lives.

 First team breakfast in Malaysia.

 In Malaysia with Salem Korean DTS!

A glimpse...

...into the past five months. 

All in this together

I don't really even have words. This journey of DTS as we knew it has ended. We laughed together. Cried together. Loved together. Talked together. Worked out problems together. Walked down to the lake together. Braved the elements together. Went overseas together. Experienced God's love together. Experienced healing together. Got in trouble for being too loud together. It was all together. 

I've come to realize something profound in these last couple of months: There is something beautiful about togetherness. Something beautiful about unity, oneness; being a family. I can't explain it. But it is how life is supposed to be. We were never meant to live lives of solitude. We were meant to be together. Together, we can do so much more than we can alone. Together we create a strong force. Together we experience life. And that is what we were created for. 

A couple of nights ago, though tears, I told my school that for the first time in my life, I really understood what the body of Christ looked like. So often the body of Christ does not look how it should. Over the past five months I have realized that the body of Christ is a place of acceptance and love. Its a place of honesty and vulnerability. Its a place of forgiveness and truth spoken in love. It is made up of imperfect people, who mess up regularly, who need forgiveness, who cannot do it on their own. It is a place of peace. Of rest. Of adventure and challenge. It is diverse. It includes individuals with many unique, but equally important gifts. It is made of people who love God. It is a place of beauty.

We are saying good bye to our time together, here at this base. But we are not saying good bye for good. The body is united through states and countries; over seas and mountains. Through storms and sunshine. We are one in the body. Nothing can change that. We are a family. Brothers and sisters. And even though we are apart, we are still together. This is what I love about the body. 

I love you, family.