The desire to share is present, but the ability to put it into words escapes me...
Perhaps my ramblings will make sense to some wandering soul.
This week has been rough.
Realizing my own tendency of allowing fear to boss me around was a punch in the gut.
Realizing (once again) the fact that I am a needy and desperate soul, clinging to my Savior brought me to my knees in humility.
Emotionally drained. Mentally tired. Physically exhausted.
I long for control. When I think about how much I do that stems from the desire to be in control, I am astonished.
And that is part of what makes loss so difficult-- our sense of control is shattered. And we quickly realize that we had much less control than we convinced ourselves of.
Control gives me a sense of security-- false security, that is. It makes me think that I can live in comfort and I can know what is coming. And that makes me feel safe.
I like feeling safe.
I like comfortable.
I like security.
I am not a risk taker. I am not an adrenaline junkie. I prefer and am perfectly content in my comfortable and familiar surroundings.
But comfort and safety was never my lot. It was never our lot. We are not promised comfort, this side of heaven.
Perhaps my intense desire for control stems from a lie. The lie that I somehow know what I need better than the One who created me. The lie that He isn't good. The lie that perhaps I will have to walk this journey alone. Its self preservation. And it keeps me from walking out on that limb called 'faith' and allowing Him to change my scared and stubborn heart.
As I have recently started walking this journey my Father has whispered to my heart-- 'Hannah, do you trust me? Do you know, even in the midst of hardship, that my heart is good? Rest, be at peace, my child, you are in my arms of love. I will not forsake you.'
And I rest a little more. Remembering His great faithfulness.
From the prophet Isaiah: "You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you. Because he trusts in you." (26:3)
