I used to think that growing up and becoming an adult was an uninterrupted journey upward. Like I would become incredibly well-rounded, amazingly great at handling all of life's problems and I would just get better and better.... whatever that means.
Having actually entered adulthood and realizing what a shit-show it can be, I rescind that idea. Maybe it's because it just hasn't been the way things have panned out. Sure, I've gotten better at resolving conflict, I've learned breathing techniques to practice when I feel like panicking, and I actually pack my own lunch before I go to work every morning. Gold stars all around.
In reality, life seems to work more like a roller coaster-- high points filled with hope, ecstasy and enjoyment and dips filled with anxiety, fear and despair. And there is a lot of middle ground, and some loops and twists and turns. None of them can be labeled "good" or "bad" per se, but they just are. It's a part of life.
Maybe it's also because I've felt extremely incapable of juggling all that life has thrown my way recently. I've found myself cycling mentally-- unable to get out of slumps. I realize that things don't just 'get better' the older we get. It does seem that life gets sweeter. Anxiety lessens, we learn to let go of things that aren't a big deal and our friendships deepen... but I don't become more and more superhuman just because I've traveled one more cycle around the sun.
In some ways, this is disheartening. It's discouraging to realize your naive hopes of somehow becoming 'the one who has it all together' are a fantasy. Expectations kill.
In the same breath, it's liberating. Because people seem to open up more and be more willing to share their crap as life goes on as well. Vulnerability increases. Confidence increases. I have learned of massive happenings from my childhood friends' lives more as an adult than I ever did as a child. We wade through the muck together and there is community building in that. I wouldn't trade that for a fantasy of perfection any day. The beauty that comes from deeper and more intimate relationships is priceless. It's what happens when we're willing to admit that we too, (along with the rest of the world) don't have it all together.
All that to say, I've felt pretty exhausted lately. For numerous reasons. I'm realizing it's time to do some "winter cleaning"-- some de-cluttering of my life. Feel free to check in and hold me accountable as to how this 'de-cluttering' is going. It's not so much of a material de-cluttering, although that is always helpful. It is more of a mental and spiritual de-cluttering.
I came to the realization recently, while texting a friend about a continual issue in my life, that I often struggle to discern the voice of the Lord over my own voice, or the voice of the world, because there is too much clutter floating in my head. It's a constant stream of input. Netflix. Youtube. Facebook. Pinterest. People's opinions. Blogs. None of these bad, but all of these adding to the chaos in my brain.
So, it's time for some brutal pruning. It's time to cut back my media and internet time and spend more time in nature, painting, hiking, reading and doing other things that refresh and bring clarity.
Maybe this is a New Year's Resolution. It sure seems to be coming at the perfect time. Maybe it's just a reality. Either way, I want to ring in 2018 with a de-cluttered mind and heart. And a heart that knows what it is to have peace in Him.
Maybe it's time for you to do the same. Join me?
