"Nope, never been in a relationship" I answered. I wasn't ashamed, but I realized how odd that was coming out of the mouth of a nearly 24 year old.
"Can I ask why?" He inquired. There was no ill-will in his voice. He was simply curious, and he cared, as friends do.
I thought for a moment, hemmed and hawed a little bit and then answered: "Well, in high school, there were guys in my class and such, but you know, they were 17, 18 and had some growing to do. Plus, it wasn't really encouraged growing up. We didn't really talk about it in my family, so it was never something I did. And after high school I moved around so much. I was never in one place very long to be able to form those close relationships, I guess... and I'm also not that aggressive I guess. I am content in where I am. Mostly. I'm not always, but I know when it comes, it will be the right timing."
This was true. I was content. And I did love what I was doing. But there was a part of me that, like my friend, also asked "why?"
Why haven't I been in a relationship? Well, because I've never been seriously pursued by a male. Sure, there has been interest there, but it never turned into anything more than friendship.
Why haven't I been in a relationship? The me five years ago would have told you it is because I was too emotional, too uncertain, too much, not enough, too quiet, too opinionated, too 'everything'.
Why haven't I been in a relationship? Truth is, I don't know. I have spent hours and days agonizing over that exact question. Analyzing, wondering, worrying, fearing. Am I too dependent? Am I not aggressive enough? Am I too flighty? Am I too quiet? Am I too plain? Am I not expressive enough? I want to have the answer. I want to put it in a box and label it: "This is why". I want to be able to pull out the contents and examine them and understand why, in 24 years I have never had a male friendship progress into a 'relationship.'
People have told me numerous times "Hannah, you'll make a great wife and mom someday, the man who gets you will be a lucky man." I am flattered and honored. And I do believe it, but I guess I've also come to realize that relationship status doesn't determine 'date-ability'. It doesn't determine desirability. Being single does not mean that I am less desirable than the one that is in a relationship. Maybe it just means my story looks different than theirs. Maybe it means that the Lord chose to allow me to have different, unique, shaping experiences. Not better, not worse. Just different. And maybe that diversity is a beautiful thing.
I have spent years wondering what needed to change. I figured if I was in my twenties and hadn't ever been in a relationship, then something was seriously wrong. Because everyone I knew had been in a relationship or had at least had serious interest by that point. Because everyone kept making comments about 'finding someone' and settling down. Because everyone eyed me when an attractive man walked by. Because, well you're twenty, and that is what you do when you're twenty.
Friends, if I could share with you one thing in regards to relationships, it would be this-- please do not believe that lie that if you haven't dated, it is because you're not wanted. Please to do not believe the lie that says you need to be dating in order to be valuable. Please do not believe the lie that says that marriage is the end-all, be-all of life. It is a beautiful, amazing, God-given gift that is good. But it is not all there is. It is not all you are. Don't waste years of your life agonizing over if you are wanted by a man.
Because you are wanted. Everyday of your life you are wanted. You are wanted by the one that gave His very life to have a relationship with you. And knowing that does not leave room for questioning your value. He's already determined it. He's already proven it.
I pray that you rest in knowing that no matter what your relationship status is, you are desirable. You are loved. Massively loved. His heart is the only one that can truly fill yours.
May you have shalom in His presence.
He delights in His children.
