There have been thousands of times that I've heard the Lord speak in general-- reminding me of truths of who He is, and who I am. Reminding me of His 'will' and His character. He's brought peace, joy and contentment when I least expected it. I cannot deny or overlook his fingerprints and presence on my life journey.
There have also been numerous (probably hundreds) of times that I have prayed, sought, asked for wisdom and desperately wanted to hear the Lord's opinion on a decision I needed to make. And sometimes I heard him, or at least had a sense of peace (another way I believe the Lord guides). I love specific direction. He knows this. And because of this tendency to need/want every stop along the way to be mapped out, he has also sometimes put the GPS back in my hands and has said "Your choice."
For some, being told that they get to choose would be heaven. For me, it felt like a death sentence. You see, somewhere along the timeline of my childhood years, I believed that if I got it 'wrong' there would be catastrophic consequences. I believed it was crucial to get it right. And that crippled me.
I was the rule-following child. I was the one that knew exactly what I believed to be right and wrong. I was the one that held tightly to my values and did not waver. This has both benefits and drawbacks. I was never wishy-washy in my beliefs. But I was also rigid and terrified of losing 'control' (that wasn't even mine to begin with).
As I entered my adult years, this way of thinking slowly started unraveling. The Lord gently showed me, through chapel speakers, books, conversations with wise friends and a myriad of other occurrences that actually, He's big enough to work in and through and despite my decisions. And that, contrary to popular belief, The 'okayness' of the world was not dependent on my ability to perfectly maneuver life.
Do not mishear me. God does guide and he does give specific direction and works in ways that are mind blowing-- what we often call 'God stories'- the only way it can be explained is 'God.' I love those moments. I've got many that I am grateful for. But God is also not a dictator. He gives general principles and guidelines, like any good Father, to keep us safe, but he does not dictate every move, every decision and every step of our lives.I love that he also knows his kids. Earthly parents often parent their children differently, based off of the child's needs and tendencies. For a child that is more prone to impulsion and risky behavior, they may hold to some stricter guidelines, to protect the child and bring some structure to their life. For a child that is a rule-beater and a perfectionist, they will likely have more flexible standards, because they know that child is less likely to engage in behavior that is 'risky'.
In my own life, this has translated to the Lord more often than not
I've started to wonder if God, allowing his children choice, still showing up, and leaving his God fingerprints all over those decisions isn't sometimes more of a testimony than Him showing up when He's given specific instructions.
You see, I lost my mom at 23, at the beginning of my senior year of University. I was an R.A. and a Psych major and it broke me for several months. I was in a fog, and felt everyday like I was trying to peddle a bike uphill, in first gear. I was exhausted. And God, in His providence, brought the perfect people to my life during that season of grief. People that were kind, generous, not afraid of discomfort, and who allowed me to grieve as I needed. This is what I call a 'God moment' (or season, in this case).
However, as crucial as these friends and confidantes were, I also believe he would have brought those people to me if I had attended a different University. And what a cool thing to realize that God was not limited by my decision in that moment. He knew what was going to happen on September 14, 2014. He was not surprised by the death of my mom. And if I had gone to University in Texas or Wisconsin, or Maine, he also would have showed up and brought good, God-fearing, genuine friends to walk me through that season. He worked in the midst of the decision I had made, because His power and ability was/is not limited by my choices. I think that shows the 'bigness' and creative heart of God sometimes more than when He shows up and I expect him to. You see, when He gives me a specific direction, I expect Him to show up. When He doesn't give me specific direction, I sometimes doubt if He'll show up.
I think of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden-- paradise on earth. God gave them one rule. They were not to eat from the tree in the middle of the garden, and if they did, they would die (Genesis 2 & 3). I imagine that was enough for them. I doubt they stopped and asked God before they ate from the plum tree in the corner of the garden, if that was alright. I doubt they asked before they sucked the nectar from the a peach from the north edge of the garden if that was allowed. That would have been silly and unnecessary, because God had already given them the guidelines, and anything within those guidelines was fair game. They could enjoy it to their heart's content. They could also choose to not eat any fruit or berry that they didn't enjoy. They were, outside of God's one rule, free to partake without fear. They were free to choose.
And, I believe, we are also free. We are free to partake as long as it doesn't contradict God's character or guidelines he's already laid out. We are free to partake as long as it doesn't go against something He's clearly spoken to our hearts and consciences (1 John 3:21, 1 Timothy 4).
What hope this brings to souls that are in need of rest, grace and truth. We are in Him and He is in us. There is an automatic freedom we walk in, knowing that, even if we do stumble, His grace, mercy and Father's heart is big enough, strong enough and willing enough to pick us back up, brush off our skinned knees, and continue to walk with us, enjoying the scenery, whether that is mountains and trees, or rivers and meadows. There is much to be learned and gained from each landscape, and, I am convinced, that He, the creator of it all, enjoys each new season and each new bend in the road.
This is freedom.
