How does one even begin to sum up a year in a single blog post? I know that this post will not do justice to what this year has been for me, but perhaps it will scratch the surface.
2013. Hands down the most challenging year of my life. No doubt about it-- so many unexpected twists and turns. At times it felt like I was on a roller coaster with my eyes closed and I couldn't stop. Sometimes it dipped. Sometimes it turned. Sometimes it went upside down. And while it was hard and scary, it was also exhilarating, exciting and I leave changed.
The first six months of this year were spent in Montana-- my second home. I was finishing up the 9 month Bible course that had begun in September of 2012. Y'all, I saw the body of Christ displayed in a way which I hadn't ever quite seen it displayed before. The people-- staff, students, everyone are all sold out for Christ. They live for Him each day and they long to please Him and share Him with others. I made beautiful friendships while I was there and I experienced the sweet, sweet love of Jesus on a deeper level as I studied His word.
But it wasn't all glitter, either. The first six months of this year were also some of the hardest of my life. I went through a bout of depression/spiritual warfare in January and February. I was sad and down and anxious and I didn't know why. I couldn't shake it. And it affected my relationships. I felt so lonely-- it was not anyone's fault, it was just what I was working through.
I remember waking up some mornings to pray with a friend, and just crying-- barely able to get any words out because I just felt such a sense of sadness. And it wasn't me. I am not a sad person. I am joyful-- but those two months were
hard y'all.
That was when things started to 'get real.' We were encouraged, in our studies to ask the 'why' questions, but every time I did that, I felt like I was doubting my faith. And I actually had to stop and look my beliefs straight in the face and figure out
why I believed. It wasn't enough for the answer to be 'because...' I had to understand. It had to be mine, and it was, but this was a time that solidified it even more.
And, in March a really beautiful friendship began to form. I remember praying fervently before I started school, and it was simple-- I wanted a really close, 'best friend' while in Montana. Just when I wondered if God was even going to bring that about, a friendship happened. To this day I don't even remember how we first started hanging out. I think we happened to get into a conversation about how we both wanted to start working out on a regular basis, and then we began 'work-out partners.' Bang. We were friends. Literally the deepest-the-fastest friendship I have ever formed. But this girl is a gem, y'all. She spoke truth to me more times than I can count and God has used her mightily in my life over the past nine months. We cried together. Prayed together. Laughed together. Shared our lives. I am still blown away at how He knew exactly what I needed, and brought it at the perfect time.
And... she likes to craft. So that is also a bonus ;)
God used Bible school to teach me about His intense love even more. He showed me His mercy-- from the time of creation through Jesus' life and every day that has ever existed, His mercy and love has gone before us. That is perhaps the most significant thing that studying the Bible for a year taught me. His love is wild. It cannot be understood and we will only ever just barely begin to scratch the surface with our understanding of it.
God was doing a lot in my heart during this time. He was uprooting some deep insecurities. He was speaking truth to places where I had believed lies for so long. And He was showing me places where I imprisoned myself with guilt and started gently removing that unnecessary guilt. And while I write this now, dry eyed, let me tell you, I was not 'dry eyed' during that time. I cried. All the time. It was painful and hard. Change always is. But it was so needed. And never once did His love not carry me through.
School ended at the end of June, and that was bittersweet for sure. But before it ended-- about 3 weeks before, I got a call from my sister back home, in Oregon, telling me that our mom had been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I can't tell you what that felt like. I was finishing SBS and was stressed beyond reason while also preparing to say 'good bye' to some of my closest friends, knowing that some I may never see again. And now this.
It was hard. It didn't make sense. But, something I can say for sure, throughout this time and my entire time in Montana is this--
I had peace. Sometimes that peace was threatened and anxiety knocked, but I remember just feeling this really beautiful, sweet presence of the Lord. And there was peace where it didn't make sense. My future-- my family's future was way up in the air, and yet I knew that we didn't walk alone. I can't explain it, because it is a peace that cannot be explained, but it is one of the surest signs that God was with us through the diagnosis.
Finally, graduation came. And there was much rejoicing. And many tears. And a whole lot of hugs.
And I went home on the train. With a whole nine months worth of Bible study and happenings to process through and a family life that was going to be quite different than what I had envisioned just a few weeks earlier.
I had six weeks of summer before starting back up at University. It was mostly spent with family. Doctors appointments. Chauffeuring. Getting stuff together for University.
And at the end of August my sister and I shuttled ourselves an hour south to come to University. And the adventure began. No, we are not roommates. We wanted to be social and meet other people.
So, for the past 3+ months I have been here, at University. I am still blown away that I get to study psychology-- something about which I am passionate and love deeply. I am blessed to have a beautiful hall of girls that bring joy to my life each day. And to be in a place that fosters Christian growth and that encourages us to live lives of service and devotion to God.
And it is beautiful. And a transition. I was a hot mess for the first couple of week. I hate change... ironic, I know, since it seems like for the past 2 1/2 years my life has consisted solely of change. But nonetheless, its a challenge for me.
I came into this year with a lot of expectations, and a lot of which weren't met in the way that I thought that they should be. That created some disappointment. Perhaps the biggest thing that God has taught me this year, aside from His great love and mercy is that I need to put aside my expectations and allow Him to work as He desires.
What a challenge. I so love control. But He gently shows me that He is in fact that One holding the reigns so to speak and He is worth of my trust. Man, why is trust so hard? I think its because I can be quite stubborn at times...
And at the end of the year, looking back to all that 2013 was, and looking forward to what He has in store for 2014 I can say with more confidence than ever before--
He is faithful. Through diagnoses. Through depression. Through change. Through loneliness. He never left. And His patience blows my mind.
Psalm 138
I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;
before the gods I sing your praise;
2 I bow down toward your holy temple
and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
3 On the day I called, you answered me;
my strength of soul you increased.
4 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,
for they have heard the words of your mouth,
5 and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,
for great is the glory of the Lord.
6 For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,
but the haughty he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
and your right hand delivers me.
8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
Do not forsake the work of your hands.
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