The Edge

I feel like I'm standing on the precipice, about to take a leap. A HUGE leap. A leap of faith. And, I am.

I don't know what this journey holds. I leave in 9 days for Malaysia. There are many things running through my mind. Things I need to complete. People I need to contact. My friends here whom I need to invest in. Prayers to be said.

It is overwhelming in many aspects, and yet, there is this peace that doesn't leave. I can't explain it. I have struggled for much of my life with worry and anxiety, and yet, as I'm about to do one of the biggest things I've ever done, I am not anxious. It might sound weird, but the truth often sounds weird. I began this journey, 10 weeks ago, being a bit nervous. I honestly was not excited about going overseas. I was scared. But that has changed so drastically in 10 weeks. I am freaking excited now! I am excited to minister, and to see God's hand at work as we call a new place 'home' for two months.That doesn't mean that I don't realize that there will be tough things to wade through, I am well aware of that, but I am still so excited to see God work. I cannot wait. It is amazing the changes that can take place in such a short amount of time.

Coming to DTS was one of the best things I've ever done. In fact, after becoming a Christian, I think it is the best thing I've ever done. I didn't come expecting it to be like this. But its so much better than I ever anticipated. All I can say, is, I am blown away by God's faithfulness. He is faithful. Always faithful. FAITHFUL. I can't say it enough. He has provided financially. And these are HUGE sums of money that he has brought in, literally overnight. He has given our school unity, and He's changed hearts and lives even since being here. Oh, I am so thankful that I serve a faithful God.

I am a different person now than I was 10 weeks ago. Sometimes I don't believe that. But when I start doubting the work that God has done in my life, that is when He comes in and reminds me of who I am, of how He has changed me, and of His great love for me. I feel like He wraps me in a warm blanket and just holds me when I'm feeling discouraged and down. It doesn't take long for God to shut out the lies that creep in at times, and to replace them with His truth.

I can't explain what He's doing. But he is working. This is such a special place, and me and 53 other students from all across the world, in all walks of life have had the privilege of experiencing this together, and its a bond that we'll always share in our hearts. We went through it together, and there isn't a group of people I would rather experience this crazy journey with, than this group. There is not a single doubt in my mind that God brought every individual here, at this time. I just love how He works. God is smart, and I love that. He knows what He's doing.

As we're preparing to say 'good bye' to this gorgeous place, and many of the friends that we've met here, there is a sadness that comes along with that. I don't want to leave my friends. But, I know that what we're doing in Asia is of eternal value. And that makes it all worth it. This isn't the end. This is only the beginning. Yes, we've been here for 10+ weeks already, but that doesn't mean that just because we're saying 'good bye' to each other for a season, that we have to say 'good bye' forever.

God is still working. One of my favorite verses, Philippians 1:6 says: "Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion, until the day of Christ." Yep, my God is still at work. That brings me so much joy and peace.

So, I will leave you with a song that we sung this morning, and that I've had stuck in my head most of the day. I feel like it very accurately portrays life for us right now. It is called "Our God is Greater" and it is by Chris Tomlin.

Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shining
Out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There's no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsty.com/chris-tomlin-our-god-is-greater-lyrics.html ]
BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power

Our God, Our God...

Unashamed Love

 I want to have a childlike faith. That is why my blog is named as it is, and the inspiration for the 

actual title came from this song. I love it, and I feel its very relevant:

Your calling me to lay aside the worries of my day 

                          
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place   

Worthy, You are worthy
                             
I open up my heart and let my spirit worship Yours
  
I open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth

Worthy You are Worthy
                       
Of a childlike faith and of my honest praise
   
And of my unashamed love

Of a holy life and of my sacrifice
    
And of my unashamed love

This life

Two days in a row of posting, that must be some sort of record.

Things here are going well. Today was spent resting and enjoying time with friends in the snow. I always feel like the snow is God's way of cleansing things, and I love how pure and white it is.To me, the beauty of it never fades.

I love this place, so I thought I'd share some of the love. Enjoy!

My not-boring life

I love to write, and yet recently, when I've sat down to write a blog post, its like my mind just goes blank. Its not because my life is boring, or I have nothing to say. Quite the contrary. My life is insane, and I love it, yet sometimes I just can't find the words to put to it. So this is my best effort in my extreme writer's block.

The past nine weeks have been incredible, challenging, overwhelming, awesome, tough, transformational, fun, hard and everything in between. I have embarked on this journey that has taken me to places I didn't expect, hard places, and yet healing places. When I came to DTS, I knew what it was about, but I didn't really know just how life changing it would really be for me.

The first five weeks or so were probably the most emotional, as I was learning a great deal about myself and about God and who He really is, and what His character looks like. I cried a lot, and most everyone else cried a lot as well. As time has gone on, the lectures are still just as rich and challenging, but as I've grown in knowledge of who I am, and who He is, the tears have not been as frequent.

The last several weeks have been some of the best for me, personally. I have learned how to hear God's voice more clearly, and He has changed my perspective on so many things. I can honestly say that I think differently now than when I first arrived. He's shown me areas of my life that weren't in full submission to Him, and areas where my attitude needed an adjustment. Its never fun to come to these realizations, but it is important. I'm so grateful for the work that He is doing in me during this time, and I am grateful as well for His patience.

Our days here are busy and often tiring and exhausting, but in the best way possible. There is a lot to process, lots of work to be done, preparations being made as we are getting ready to embark on our journey overseas. In the midst of the craziness, though, I am incredibly blessed. There isn't anywhere I would rather be. There isn't anything I'd rather be doing. There isn't anyone I'd rather share this journey with. I am so blessed to be here right now. In simple terms, one of the biggest things I have learned is that God knows what He is doing, and He is faithful.

Please keep us in your prayers as we prepare to embark on our journey's overseas. We leave in just over two weeks, and there is a lot of planning that goes into these next several weeks. Pray for health and safety in travel, for right hearts and attitudes, and above all, that we would accomplish what it is that God has for us during this time. It is really exciting, but there will also be tough times that come. Nonetheless, I am looking forward to it!

Thank you all for your prayers, support, love and encouragement. It means so much!

Days like this

Its days like this, days where I am exhausted, emotional and ready for a nap that make me wonder if I will ever get the hang of adult life. So many responsibilities, so many commitments, so many decisions. When and how does one go from being dependent to independent? From child to adult? From immature to mature? From irresponsible to responsible? 

Many days I cruise right along, content, happy, and completely joyful about life. But some days, like today, I start questioning all of it. I don't feel very good at being an adult yet. I haven't been 'an adult' very long now, and honestly, its been a tough transition. Its not one that is easy. But it is one that is possible. I know that I learn a little more about how to make it through this crazy life each and every day. I know that I mature a little, grow a little, become a bit more independent each day. But its slow. And that is what gets me. It is not a quick, tidy, neat process. There is no wrapping it up and tying it with a bow. Its messy, tough, and exhausting. But it is worth the fight, because its through struggles that growth happens. At least that is the case in my life. 

So, I will continue to trust that someday I will get the hang of it. That someday, I will feel like I can maneuver this life as an adult. But I will also keep in mind that I will never be perfect at it. Of course, there will still be days when I question my sanity and abilities, but, I will trust my ability to make wise decisions. And I will be okay with not having it all together.  Who am I trying to fool? NONE of us has it all together. That brings me comfort. 

Continuing to discover. Always. 

Peace

This time in my life is possibly one of the most hectic, chaotic and confusing that I have ever experienced. And there are many days that I feel like maybe I don't have the strength the continue. But each day I wake up to the sun shining in my window, and a brand new chance to make something great out of my time. 

And each morning there is an undeniable peace that follows me throughout my days, reminding me that although I don't know what the future holds, I know the one who holds my future. I can't explain it. I should not have peace considering all that is taking place, but I do. And I couldn't be more grateful that God has calmed my frazzled nerves, and has spoken truth into my heart. I still have my rough times, but even during those times, I cannot ignore the peace that I have. 

I am content with the present, and excited for the future. 

July 16, 2011

I have much to say, but no words for it. URG. No worries, I am fine. Just mulling over lots of things now. What I can say is, I am experiencing things that I never have before, and am in a place in life that is so different than where I was 4 months ago. It is a good thing. I continue to see peace and contentment reign, and that is huge.

I feel very excited and happy!

seize the day!!

Its a Beautiful Life

I have never in my life felt more peace than I do right now. This is amazing! And yet... there is still a little tiny part of me that questions if this whole 'getting up and leaving' thing is really what I want to do. There is not a doubt in my mind that it is the right thing, but some days I feel like I am just happy to stay here in my little corner of the world, and sit on my comfortable couch, and just enjoy life as it is. But, that would not be the right thing to do. And I know that if I did what I feel like doing, versus what I know I need to be doing, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

I know and trust that God holds my future in His hands, but sometimes I just wish I could have a tiny glimpse into what that future might be. I want to see where I'll be in 5 years. But that is the beauty of it all-- being surprised. I suppose it would be to my benefit to learn to like surprises sooner, rather than later, because life is full of them. But it doesn't always jive with this 'planner' personality. Ha!

No matter where I am in 5 days or 5 months, or 5 years, I am trying to soak up every minute of my time wherever I am at. To learn to love each moment and adventure that comes my way. I am very blessed, and I don't want to miss even a second of this beautiful life!

What happens when...?

I have been pondering what happens when we step out of our comfort zone, and make ourselves available. The thought scares a bit, to be honest. I have such a little bubble that I like to stay in, that feels good, and comfortable. I do not enjoy stepping out of that bubble (who likes it?!) But I know that this life is not about always doing what we like, or staying in that place of comfort. The Christian life is one that is called to consist of servitude and honestly, doing hard things sometimes. That is just the plain truth.

I love this quote that I read on a blog a while back: "Does it feel good, or does it feel right?" (Thank you, Kate McDonald!) At first it perplexed me, but after a bit, it began to make sense. Often times, the right thing, the thing we know that we should be doing, the one that is the hardest does not feel good. It is often painful, and involves self sacrifice. But "sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same" (The Fray). Its hard for me to understand, but I know it is the reality. 

I have a feeling that these upcoming months will be ones that stretch me in every way: mentally, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. Being 'stretched' is not fun, but I know that if I am to grow, being stretched is essential. And think about it, when one stretches after a workout, it is a bit uncomfortable at times, but it turns out to be really good for their body. So it is the same with other types of 'stretching' I am sure. I grows me up, helps me to trust more, and helps me be able to relate to others, to show empathy, and a host of other things. 

What happens when we pray for God to take us out of our comfort zone? Oh, no doubt He does. It may be hard, but it is necessary, and it is ultimately, for my good.

Sometimes the hardest thing, and the right thing, are the same.

What if?

This song has really been speaking to me lately. They lyrics ring true, but the song itself is beautiful. I would encourage you to look it up. 

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

-Blessings (Laura Story)

I was blessed to be able to discuss this with a friend today, and to be able to talk about how the trials of life seem so overwhelming sometimes, but often, oh so often, they're what shape and make us. This song is a great reminder of that.

Blessed

I am blessed. I am so grateful for incredible friends and family. I have a great support system behind me, and I couldn't ask for more! So grateful!

There is beauty all around me, and I love it! Just reveling in life right now! It is hard sometimes, but I am always blessed!

Who am I?

Sometimes I sit here and wonder who I am. Sounds odd, I know, I have lived with myself for a while now, I should know who I am. But sometimes I feel like I know so little about who I am. Sure, I know that I like cheese, and I go to school and spend too much time online. Yes, I know all that stuff. But who am I inside, deep down? What do I want? What do I believe? Do others know who I am? What makes me who I am? I have come to realize that I am a contradiction, and it bugs me, and yet it is refreshing also. 

Is it possible to be both sarcastic and yet incredibly deep at the same time? Can I be fun and grounded? Blond and smart? Dedicated and spontaneous? Silly and serious? It seems ridiculous, doesn't it? I mean of course we as humans are multi-faceted beings. The answer should be a resounding "YES!" To all of the above. But I still wonder. Why is it that I can be completely sarcastic and jaded one moment, and serious and focused the next? Does 'who I am' change based off of who I'm around? Is that a bad thing? 

This next stage of figuring out who I am is confusing. I don't know the answers... and I want to. I think part of what bothers me so much is that I'm not sure that I completely understand myself, which, in turn means that there is no way that others understand me. Sure, we can 'get' people to an extent, but can we ever be completely understood by someone else? Do I understand anyone else that walks this earth? Do I know and accept and love and appreciate all that they are and are not? Maybe we aren't supposed to understand each other completely. Maybe it is a bit of a mystery and it always will be until we are called home. 

I feel like around certain people I can be funny and silly and sarcastic, and around others I am more serious and focused and elegant. Why is that? It makes sense, in a way. Different situations call for different behavior, but how I want people to see who I am... in all reality. I, just like everyone, have many facets. I am not simply this or that. I cross the boxes that we are assigned to so often. I am not just "emotional" or just "silly" or just "serious" or just "weird." I am all of the above, and that is ok. Why do I try to put myself into the boxes that I feel so confined by?

I wish so much that we could rid ourselves of the boxes that we place ourselves and others in, and just understand how layered and diverse a single person is. It is a beautiful thing to be so diverse, and yet it feels so odd to be a complete contradiction of myself.

The Present

As one chapter of my life is coming to a close soon, and another one is starting, I realize how important the here and now is. It is so easy to get wrapped up in the past or the future, but the present is the only thing that we can control.

I am learning this. And I am beginning to see the joy in the moment. What a relief! As cliche as it sounds, the old saying is true: 'Today is a gift. That is why it's called the present.' There is always something to learn, to appreciate or to gain from the present. We don't get a do-over. I hope to make the best of it. :)

Without further ado, here are some shots from  this beautiful day!

This one thing

There is this odd dynamic that has made itself present in my life recently. For so long I have prayed and longed to be able to be confident in who I am, and not to put so much stock in what others think. I have finally, over the last few months seen things changing. Slowly, this shift has taken place, and I am able to walk into a room, and feel comfortable with who I am, not worrying too much about others' opinions. It is great, and yet, maybe not so great at the same time. It seems like with many changes that we wish to see take place in our lives, there is a downside to it. I struggle with balancing self esteem and self confidence with being understanding and sensitive. Very easily, one extreme or the other can creep in, changing everything.

I do think that many people, including myself spend much too much time worrying about what other people think of them. It is innately human to want to be accepted, and yet the other end of the spectrum is not caring at all what people think, which is, in itself a huge pitfall. This causes insensitivity and arrogance; trampling on those who we once were so careful to protect. 

I have found myself to be exhausted and tired lately. Not only physically tired, but mentally and emotionally tired as well. I have no doubt as to why this is, but I dislike it. It seems as though being exhausted, in whatever sense of the word, always causes carelessness. And carelessness causes hurt. So I can't say with any assurance whether this 'new found' confidence is because of an actual change in me for the better, or because of exhaustion. Either one is plausible, and yet they are as far apart on the spectrum as is possible. And I don't want to have 'confidence' if it is just manifesting itself from a careless attitude. 

Not putting too much stock in what others think is one thing,

being insensitive and uncaring because of exhaustion is another. 

I pray that this 'confidence' may not come from exhaustion or from an attitude that is uncaring, but from knowing who I am to the One who who created me. Because it makes all the difference.

Identity

I am one of those typical 'bloggers' that reads about a million blogs and is always finding inspiration in odd places. Maybe I'm weird, but I always knew it. Anyhow, I was reading a blog the other day that talked about identity. And specifically, what one's identity was. This blogger was saying that her identity is, right now, that of a wife and mother. And it made me think. What is my identity? By that I mean, what is it that I identify myself with each day? What is it that I spend time on?

I realized that my identity is that of an employee and student. That is where my life is right now. Of course there are many facets to every life, but often that cannot be fully seen because I get lost in my roles as student and worker. Sometimes I wonder, if I sat down and just evaluated myself, would I be able to say much outside of, 'I go to school, I have a ridiculous amount of homework, and I love my jobs?' I don't know that I would be able to write an essay about who I am. I know inside who I am, but I find that when I am not working, or not in school or doing homework, I am bored. I feel like my place in life has been thrown off, and I don't know what to do with myself.

It is easy to associate ourselves with whatever role, job, or thing that fills our days. 'Oh I'm a taxi driver' or 'I'm a student' or 'I'm a volunteer.' These are the typical responses that we hear from one that we ask about who they are. But there is so much more. There always is. Yet I know that somehow these are the things that I let be my defining roles. Maybe that isn't bad, but it is important to keep things in perspective. I am not just a student and worker. I am also a daughter, a sister, a child of God, a photography lover, a cheese addict, and a people person.

Its really nice to know that we can be more than just one or two 'things' at a time. We are layered people, people of many facets. I am glad that we don't have just one role or place in life. But we are many things at once, and that makes us unique.

Live, love, laugh!

Do you ever have a nagging thought, or novel of thoughts that just continues to travel with you each day, until you finally get those thoughts out? I do, often. And this is one of those times. For whatever reason I have been thinking about acceptance and the longing in human hearts to be accepted and loved. What great lengths a person will go to in order to be loved. The desire to be accepted has caused friendships to wither, tension in the home, physical harm, and hours upon hours of internal turmoil amongst many. It is deeply rooted in each human, and it comes to expression in different ways.

I think of my desire to be accepted, and how much of a role that plays in my life everyday. It plays much too large of a role, often times. Some mornings I spend a ridiculous amount of time in front of my closet, trying to decide what to wear, or more time getting ready than is really logical. Its kind of narcissistic when I think about it... I don't like thinking about it too much, because it makes me feel selfish. Nevertheless, it is reality. And I wonder, why is this desire within us so strong? And why will some go to nearly any length to be accepted? Today's youth have been fed lie after lie about what creates value. And it is believed. Somewhere along the way, probably not long after the creation of the world, people started looking for things that would make them feel valuable. Notice I said feel. 

Is one valuable because of what the tag on their clothes reads, or because of how many creams they cover their face with? Or because of how many friends they have, or who those friends are? Many would say yes. Maybe not vocally, but through their actions, they would show that they believe that. Some days I look in the mirror several times within a half hour. I change my outfit, because something about it was just 'not quite right.' It is utter ridiculousness, and yet, it is not abnormal. I admire those who can walk into a crowded space, and feel completely comfortable in their own skin. They light up the room because of their love and confidence, not because of their clothes, face, or friends.

I hope somehow we can become confident in who we are, not because of what we have done, but because of what the Creator says. Why does the world have more say in our value than the one who created value?

I remember

One of the best weeks of my life, full of vibrant growth, great food, and beautiful people happened in March of 2009. It was in Belize. I loved it.

 Its amazing what God can do in a week. I loved everything about it. Not just the fact that it is beautiful, but also the fact that the people were so alive, and so accepting. I grew so much, and my heart was touched. I would love to go back someday. Until then, I remember.

Treasures

Why is it, that whenever I need to write, or read, or do anything remotely academic, my cat decides to be affectionate?? And she is NOT an affectionate cat. Oh the irony...

This week is my second back and school, and I am feeling positive about school. I like my classes and schedule. I really can't complain. But I have been noticing a restlessness in me. Recently I have just needed and wanted an adventure. It's like, I've been in the same place, doing the same things for so long, that I just want something new. I have always had a restless spirit. I love adventure, and dislike complacency. I love to travel, and see new places, meet new people, and experience new things. Maybe that is why I am looking forward to being done with this phase, tying up the loose ends, and moving to the next phase.

I notice myself thinking about my upcoming plans and goals, often. I have always been a planner, but sometimes I fear that it is to the expense of the present. Like maybe if I keep thinking about everything that is to come, I am going to miss what is. Wouldn't that be a tragedy? It would be. I need to learn to quiet my heart, and rest in the present, knowing that my future will be here someday.

I struggle with knowing how to be content in the present. I tend to look back, or look forward. Maybe it's human nature, I don't know, but regardless, I know that it is so important to learn the art of contentment. I think its a lifelong process. For some, it comes easy. For others, it is difficult. I think part of the problem is that I am a thinker... I just need to stop thinking. That will solve all of my problems. Awesome, glad I figured that one out.

I am convinced that there is something to be treasured in each day. And I hope to be able to find those treasures.