There is this odd dynamic that has made itself present in my life recently. For so long I have prayed and longed to be able to be confident in who I am, and not to put so much stock in what others think. I have finally, over the last few months seen things changing. Slowly, this shift has taken place, and I am able to walk into a room, and feel comfortable with who I am, not worrying too much about others' opinions. It is great, and yet, maybe not so great at the same time. It seems like with many changes that we wish to see take place in our lives, there is a downside to it. I struggle with balancing self esteem and self confidence with being understanding and sensitive. Very easily, one extreme or the other can creep in, changing everything.
I do think that many people, including myself spend much too much time worrying about what other people think of them. It is innately human to want to be accepted, and yet the other end of the spectrum is not caring at all what people think, which is, in itself a huge pitfall. This causes insensitivity and arrogance; trampling on those who we once were so careful to protect.
I have found myself to be exhausted and tired lately. Not only physically tired, but mentally and emotionally tired as well. I have no doubt as to why this is, but I dislike it. It seems as though being exhausted, in whatever sense of the word, always causes carelessness. And carelessness causes hurt. So I can't say with any assurance whether this 'new found' confidence is because of an actual change in me for the better, or because of exhaustion. Either one is plausible, and yet they are as far apart on the spectrum as is possible. And I don't want to have 'confidence' if it is just manifesting itself from a careless attitude.
Not putting too much stock in what others think is one thing,
being insensitive and uncaring because of exhaustion is another.
2 comments:
2 things: 1) I remember it was around your age - somewhere in the early years of college - that I began to have a confidence and security in who I was. Something about this age I suppose that helps us grow up a little in that area. So maybe it truly is you becoming a more confidant person!
2) I can see what you're saying about the exhausted/tired/emotionally & physically that takes it's toll on others around you - because I feel like I am so much like that during this pregnancy... JUST grumpy a lot more and a lot less patient. Def. something I need to work on because it does play out in the way I treat others.
I hope this is all not too random - just some thoughts as i read your post!
I'm sure in your case, it's the first option you suggested and not the second!
Danielle, you're sweet.
Thank you. I feel like my life is one huge emotional roller coaster right now, and I just don't know how to handle it. I'm glad that someone else can relate.
Thank you for your encouragement. Praying for you. :)
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