Expectations Ruin Relationships

So I have been on a '19 Kids and Counting' kick lately. I have only watched the show periodically through the years, but the last few days, I have been obsessive. I think I am fascinated by their family. And something that mom Michelle said in one of the interviews struck me, and hasn't left my mind since.

One of the producers was interviewing her about her daughter Jessa's courtship, and he asked "Should Ben (her boyfriend) expect a home cooked meal every night?" And Michelle laughed and said, "Well, you can expect, but expectations ruin relationship." Bam. That line has been running through my head constantly the last few days.

And I think its true. Granted, I'm sure Michelle and the world at large realize that there must be some 'ground rules' or expectations that make a relationship work (i.e. fidelity, respect, honesty etc.) but I think Michelle hit the nail on the head. Expectations ruin relationships.

I think it hit me because that is what the Lord has been showing me over the past several months. I went into University with a set of expectations, and a few month later, most of those expectations were unmet. In some cases, that was a good thing. In some cases, it left me terribly disappointed. And it was then that He showed me that I needed to learn to lay down my expectations and embrace His plan. Because my expectations often come from a picture conjured up in my head, and not necessarily from reality.

I must tell you, it has been trans-formative and challenging. I am someone that thinks ahead. I plan. Organize. Make lists. I have scenarios mapped out in my head long before they take place. And as I look back on my life, I realize that often times, mapping out a situation, and every word of a supposed conversation has brought more hurt than help. Because it doesn't turn out the way I expect, anyway. I don't say that to rain on anyone's parade, but I say it from experience, realizing that perhaps we were never meant to have control of every situation, but rather, to 'roll with the punches' and trust God along the way.

Its a hard process isn't it? I think control has a lot to do with it. Because if we can just analyze a situation enough, to where we *know* how its going to turn out, then we supposedly have control. That is a false notion, but its so relevant in our culture today.

So I guess I am learning to let go of expectations, and tucked in there, to let go of my need for perceived control, and simply live with arms wide open, ready for what God may place in my path. That is not to say that I am not pro-active, but rather, its a beautiful journey of simply learning to let go, and let God handle the unknown. Because its not unknown to Him, and He's pretty good at His job.

Here is the video-- Expectations Ruin Relationships:

The Road Ahead

I am a shameless blog reader and promoter. I know, its kind of laughed at in my generation to be an aid blogger, but I love it.

There have been countless times when I have read a blog, or looked at an article that spurred thoughts that I hadn't ever considered. Being a blogger has widened my community, it is caused me to consider hot button issues from different angles and it has actually helped to spur conversation as well. I consider those in the blogger community as part of my larger community, even though some of them are only online acquaintances. I get to hear the thoughts of others that I may never meet in person, but who have a whole lot more wisdom than I on life. That is a pretty cool thing. So there--not ashamed.

Recently, a blogger was writing about each person being allowed 'their process' in doing things. In arriving at conclusions and in doing life. I loved it. And it was timely and pertinent. She states it much better than I could, so here is the link. Read it (Seriously, do it. So much good stuff)-- http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/2014/04/you-are-allowed-your-process.html .

And this blog post spurred a lot of thoughts within me. Perhaps the journey, the process is WAAAYYY more important than we give it credit for. We're always rushing around, busy as could be and we just want to arrive.

Ever been on a road trip with kids? They will ask you every 5 minutes if "we're there yet" to the point of insanity. No one has to be taught to value the destination, it is natural. But we must be taught to value the process. Few people I know enjoy process. Because process is painful, messy, vulnerable, ugly and just all in all, hard.

But life is lived in process. We don't ever arrive, at least, not on this side of heaven, and if we try so hard to 'arrive' (whatever that means to each individual) we're going to come up disappointed every time. I don't think the process scares God, but it often scares us.

Part of my process over the last 3 years has been walking through a time of uncertainty in my faith. I did not doubt the existence of God, but I stopped feeling 'close' to Him, seemingly overnight. And that terrified me. I didn't know what to do when my emotions didn't line up with what I knew to be true. And I went through a long, painful, arduous, messy process of learning that love is a choice, not a feeling. And sometimes that choice must be made even with a loving and perfect Heavenly Father.

In the middle of my process I cried and became anxious and I worried that my faith would slip away, because I couldn't feel the presence of God as I always had before. And I would cry out to God and beg Him to not let my faith falter. And I am convinced that during that time His loving hands held me, and that He pressed me close to Himself, and gently spoke truth into my heart. And I am convinced that He was not scared. Not even a tiny bit. Because He knew that it really would be all right. That I needed my process of becoming solidified in Him. I needed to go through a time of uncertainty and doubt to come out having found truth on the other end. 

Nearly everyone that I've talked to has gone through a time of doubt regarding their faith at some point or another. Its very normal. And this time in life-- early 20's proves to be a time of growth and maturity and solidification. And sometimes that comes with confusion and with many bumps and valleys along the way. 

What I am saying is this-- the process is all right. The process doesn't need to scare us. Its a part of what makes our stories beautiful and firm. Its a part of us learning truth and of maturing as adults. Please don't wish the journey away-- it is vital to our health and well being. Wrestle with the tough questions, but don't do it alone. Talk to others who have more wisdom and seek truth fervently.

 The journey makes us who we are.

via: studiohelper

Promised Land

This has hung on my sister and I's bathroom mirror for years, and this morning it spoke to me just a little more powerfully than before.

 

Life has been full of a lot of unexpected twists and turns as of late, and at times it has overwhelmed me to the point of tears. And at other times it seems like a daring adventure. 

I think of the context of this verse-- Moses is speaking to the people of Israel as they are about to enter the promised land (which he will not be entering) and he reminds them of this truth before they make their trek into a new land, with unknown dangers and snares ahead. The land was a prosperous land, and there were 'giants' in that land which some just couldn't see past (Numbers 13). They saw only the giants in the path, and forgot about the God who they served.

The reason that they had to be reminded not to be afraid, was because God knew that there would be scary things ahead. He was well aware that the land of Canaan would pose its own uncertainties for the people of Israel, but, it didn't end there-- God promised to be with his people as they entered that new and uncharted territory. He will never leave you nor forsake you. I imagine those words were water for their wearied souls. 

And I think that life goes like that sometimes. Often, the road ahead looks like it is filled with giants and with dangers. And it just feels a lot safer to stay where we've always been-- in our comfort zone. Because it represents safety for us. But that is not where growth happens. Not in my life at least. Over the past 3+ years I have found myself in a plethora of uncomfortable places-- places which I never planned on finding myself. 

I would always enter like a child entering a pool-- perhaps just placing their toe in at first, to test the water temperature and to still have time to run back to their mother if it felt unsafe. Then, mustering up a little courage, they wade in, calf deep. After having ruled out being eaten by a shark or dying of hypothermia, they venture in fully-- even ready to jump off the diving board into the water below. 

I like safety. I'm not much of a risk-taker. But God placed risk-takers around me to encourage me to jump in and to remind me of this truth that was spoken to the Israelites all those years ago, that remains true for God's people today, as well. We do not walk alone. We need not allow fear to overtake. We need not be discouraged. He is with us, and that is more than enough. 

So, for those of you that find yourselves in some scary, unexpected, dangerous places, remember that the God that delivered His people out of Egypt, with a mighty hand, and brought them into the promised land, walking beside them and allowing them to defeat armies 2, 3, 4 times their size remains faithful to His people today as well. It does not mean that we will have victory at every moment, but we do know that we certainly never go through it alone.

You are worth so much in the eyes of our Father. Let that bring you peace as you step into uncharted territory.