Why are we so afraid of showing ourselves? Why are we afraid of messing up? I think a lot of it stems from unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves, probably subconsciously, but they're there and the affect the way that we live.
I think culture says that we have to have it all together. Culture tells us that messy is bad. So we do whatever we can to make sure we're not messy. That would be a tragedy. Because that would mean that we don't have it all together, and that we're no longer fooling ourselves or anyone else.
Who are we kidding??! We don't have it all together. Its really nice to think that we do-- but we don't. At least, I don't. You're probably just like Jesus and have your ducks in a row. But I sure as heck do not. I like to think that I do, but that doesn't usually last long before I say something that I wish I could take back or before I judge my neighbor. That usually doesn't last long before I end up realizing that my attitude is really rotten or that my thinking is prideful and stubborn.
So where does that leave us? At some point we reaching that breaking point and say "God, I don't have it together. I've tried so hard and for so long, but I just don't have it together..." Then what? I think that is a good place to be. It is the place that we are honest with ourselves and others. Its the place where we realize that we need each other, and we desperately need Father God. Its the place where we reach out to the One that does have it together. And in Him there is fullness. In Him we find ourselves able to be us. To rest where we are, without obligation.
I think that is so much of the freedom of knowing Christ. We are free to be us. He doesn't expect me to be anyone else-- I am me and He loves that. I mess up. I spent a good portion of yesterday worrying about whether a comment I made in a discussion was alright or not. I most certainly was NOT resting. And that is when He reminded me of a couple of things-- one being that I can never make everyone happy. There is always going to be someone that is not happy. Someone who thinks I shouldn't have said anything. Someone who thinks I should have said something, and stood up for what I believe. There will always be someone on the opposite side of the fence. Someone that is well intentioned and that might even hold to the same core beliefs as me. But I just won't make everyone happy all the time. And I can't be afraid of that. I might as well get used to the fact that there will always be someone who doesn't agree with what I think, say or do. That is not who I am living for.
Secondly, He reminded me that He sees the heart. He knows where my heart is, and that is both terrifying and comforting all at once. He knows the ugly, dark, icky parts of my heart that aren't always obvious to everyone else. And He sees the intentions, and my deep desire to honor Him. I love that. Its not hidden from His view, and while it is terrifying, I think for me its more comforting than anything.
Thirdly, its through 'messiness' that we grow. Its through mistakes and failures that we learn. We also become humbled through them, because we realize our own need for a Savior and we learn that we're all on this journey together. We grow through tears of pain and healing. We grow through times of panic and through storms. Its not just through the mountaintop times that we grow-- often times its through the valleys, the lowest of lows. God reminds us that apart from Him we are nothing. And those are the times that we learn to rely on Him.
I will inevitably say something this week that I wish I could retract. I might snap out of frustration, and my own selfishness. I am not in any way condoning these things, but I am saying that God knows this already, and that its in the times of failure and the times of mistakes and the times when we're just not on our 'A' game that I think sometimes we grow the most. Because we're not relying on ourselves or our strength anymore. We're relying on Him. And relying on Him is the best place to be.
So, I am in this place of learning to be okay with messy. He is okay with messy, I am convinced. He's not afraid of it. He knows exactly how to handle it, and He is more than capable of fixing the mess. But its in the mess, when everything is seen and made obvious that then the pieces are picked back up and organized and cleaned and dusted off. They will inevitably get dusty again, and there will probably be another mess to pick up at some point, but that is alright, because He's not afraid of messy, and He's right there to see us through it all.
If you want an example of 'messy' from the Bible you could pretty much read any part of the Old Testament to see examples of Israel going astray, but one specific person that comes to mind is David (1 and 2 Samuel). He was called "A Man After God's Own Heart" by God himself, but man, was he messy! He had an affair, committed murder, let his children off on things that they should have been disciplined for, killed the messenger, was impulsive. He loved God, and God honored him deeply, but he was messy. Its an encouragement to remember that even this person that is always held up and so highly esteemed lived a messy life, and that didn't disqualify him-- in fact it made him human, relate-able, and God used him in awesome ways.
