Melodies and Mood Rings

Today has been one of those days where I feel especially anti-social.
Its one of those days where I just feel a little off.

There isn't anything wrong. There is not anything pressing and I don't have anything extra on my mind. I would just rather not talk. Sometimes life goes like that. And that is alright.

I used to feel like I always had to have a smile on my face and I always had to say that everything was fabulous when in fact, things were really crappy. I felt like that is what people expected of me, so that is what I did.

I had a conversation with a friend at the beginning of Bible school-- about a year and a half ago, about this. I told her that it was exhausting always having to be chipper. Always smiling and responding with "Great!" when anyone asked me how I was doing. She told me that it wasn't my responsibility to make people feel better by acting like things were alright when they weren't. And is that ever the truth.

God has been teaching me about feelings over the past several months. I skyped with a friend from Bible school last night, she is one of my best friends, and eventually the conversation got around to how we both feel as though we're in a place in our faith where sometimes we don't feel excited to worship. To do as God asks us to do. To serve Him. We don't always feel the butterflies and unicorns that we did when we were in Bible school. Its an odd place to be.

I think often times we start to wonder what is wrong when those feelings cease to exist. What I am learning, though, is that perhaps there isn't anything wrong. Maybe its just the fact that we are human and our emotions and feelings change day by day and often hour by hour or minute by minute.

We do not need to feel like obeying in order to obey.

We do not need to feel like serving God in order to serve Him.

I think one of the marks of maturity is when we choose to serve, to worship, to love even when we don't feel like it. Maybe that is when our character is formed and where we become firm, steady and deeply rooted.

In my life its never been during the times when things were peachy that I grew the most spiritually, mentally or emotionally. It has always been the times when things were a little off. When life didn't always make sense. When I had to make a choice to despair or to trust.

Its uncomfortable to walk through long seasons when we have to dig in deeper because our time with God doesn't involve life-changing revelations and breaking down while reading His word on a regular basis. But God doesn't base the quality of our relationship with Him on those things.

He sees our hearts and cares a whole heck of a lot about molding and shaping us, growing us and sanctifying us, whether that involves tears or not.

Tears or not, He is working. His work does not stop because of how I am feeling. And His character is constant through my ever changing emotions. I do not expect to always be happy. That is not my goal in life-- my goal is to serve Him through the breezy and beautiful as well as through the broken and bitter.

That isn't to say that our emotions don't matter, or that God does not care about how we are feeling-- quite the contrary. God cares more than we will ever be able to conceive. I feel deeply, and I know that God created me that way, and cares about my emotions. However, our feelings are not the most important aspect of our lives or faith. Our emotions have a place, but they need not dictate our lives.

Our faith is not stronger when we are happy and weaker when we're sad. We're not 'spiritual giants' when we are thrilled to worship and serve God and 'spiritual dwarfs' when it takes a whole lot of strength just to crack open His word.

 Our lives are a song to the One that we serve. Our lives are more about melodies than mood rings.

Community

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am really passionate about community.

 I am passionate about communication and unity.

I am passionate about people using their giftings to benefit the larger community, culture and world.

And recently I've found myself thanking God for the community that surrounds me each and every day as I wake, attend classes, work, socialize, eat and sleep. It is a community that is filled with deep, critical thinkers. It is a community where God's name is honored and His perspective is sought. It is a community of prayer and praise.

Not everyone has that community.

We've been talking about what it means to be made in the image of God, in Theology class. Its deeper than just having a soul, it involves responsibility-- in how we treat, view and speak of and to each other. It involves who we are. Its a part of our identity. Our instructor said that it was as though the very fingerprints of God are upon us. And its true. He has marked us as His. He allows us to reason, think, feel, act, love and express ourselves, as He does.

It is a privilege to be made in the image of God. And yet, its also a responsibility. It means that we are to treat ourselves and those around us with dignity, value and respect. No one is exempt. We are all made in the image of God.

If you're breathing, you've got His fingerprints upon you. That spurs us to live with an eternal perspective-- realizing that this life is about much more than just ourselves and our own little worlds. Its about HIM and what He is doing in the world, in the community and through us.

Our lives affect those around us. I am grateful that He allows us to be a small part of what He is doing on the earth. He doesn't have to allow us to be involved, and yet He delights to use that which He created to speak His truth and glory to the world.

So today I am reminded and grateful for this truth:

"To each is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. For to one is given through the Spirit the utterance of wisdom, and to another utterance of knowledge according to the same spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit, to another the working of miracles, to another prophecy, to another the ability to distinguish between spirits, to another various kinds of tongues, to another interpretation of tongues. All these are empowered by one and the same Spirit, who apportions to each one individually as he wills."

1 Corinthians 12:7-11

Let's celebrate our different gifts. Let's walk in community and unity and appreciate that we serve a God that loves diversity.

Awkward Isn't Bad

I don't like awkward.

But nonetheless, sometimes often my life is awkward.

When I went to Malaysia a few years ago with my YWAM team, we started reminding each other to 'embrace the awkward.' Going to a different country, not knowing the expectations and ways of doing things and social norms created a lot of awkward situations.

Starting a new job is often awkward. Expectations and how things are done don't often 'click' right away.

 Sometimes when I am doing something new I feel like a child again-- having to ask a million questions just to know how things are done. I don't like the feeling-- I like knowing how to do something and how to do it well.

Perhaps this comes from being a chronic 'people-pleaser.' Perhaps it comes from just liking comfort a whole lot. Maybe it is a combination of the two.

However, being 22 and having traveled and changed locations, jobs, schools, always meeting new people and being forced to do things I've never done, that don't come naturally to me has inevitably created a lot of awkward situations. Not to mention that awkward somehow always seems to find me... Sometimes when it comes, it comes hard.

And I am convinced that that is alright. 

Awkward isn't bad. Its just uncomfortable. But I think its one of those things that causes us to grow, whether we realize it or not. We learn that awkward doesn't kill us, and sometimes, it even makes for a good story later.

So, in line with what God has been teaching me, and in line with the title of my blog, I am learning to let go of my expectations that life should not ever be awkward. And honestly, I am learning to move on when situations are awkward. They come all the time, and God is teaching me to let them roll off my back and continue with life.

They're not worth dwelling on.

They're not worth stealing my joy.

So, I guess the point of this post is to remind myself that awkward isn't bad, its just uncomfortable. And to encourage anyone who perhaps despises awkward situations as well, to breathe, relax and remember that its part of life.

We are molded through them.

We learn how to interact with others.

And sometimes they make the best stories later.  

Breathe in. Breathe out.