On Singleness

"...So, a beautiful young lady like yourself must have a lot of boys chasing you..." He prodded.

"Actually no." I stated.

"Oh, no boyfriend?" He questioned further.

"No, not right now." I added

"Well. We'll have to change that. I'll keep my eye out if I know of anyone..."

"Thanks." I chuckled.

The whole thing struck me as humorous. He was just curious about my life, as many friendly 70-something year olds are. We had spent the better portion of the morning assembling breakfast and lunch bags for the local homeless shelter during our church serve day. I had learned a great deal about his life, and he of mine. I appreciated the ease of conversation and the wisdom that he instilled.

I walked away, humbled that he thought me worthy of having 'boys chase me', and yet unsettled as I processed the conversation further.

Maybe I was unsettled because, deep down, I had the same thoughts circling.

Maybe it was because it struck a nerve as something I longed for and didn't have.

Maybe because, as unspoken as it is, it feels like a relationship is the expectations for 20-somethings. 

Maybe because it hit some lies and insecurities that I had been battling against for years. 

I suspect it was a little bit of all of the above.

A different version of the same conversation has happened numerous times during my adult life, as it does for many who go through long periods of singleness.

Just a few weeks ago, while at a Harvest Party one of the older women who I've known since childhood asked: "So, do you have a boyfriend?"

 When I responded that no, in fact, I did not have a boyfriend, she went on to talk about her sons and how they had gotten married in their later 20's, and early 30's... I think in attempts to bring some consolation to my single state.

Its entertaining to watch how people respond when the answer to their probing 'are you seeing anyone' question is 'no.' They always try to back pedal and give some assurance that 'it-will-happen-one day...' 'you've-just-gotta-wait-for -the-right-one', 'I'll-help-you-find-eligible-singles'... I let out an amused sigh.

Because I get it.

We love love. I place myself in that statement. Our culture is obsessed with the idea of romance... look no further than the movies playing on the big screen, the book we're reading, the netflix shows we're watching...

I condemn no one on this.

I guess I just wonder if we have it all backwards?

We were created for community, no doubt. The desire for relationship and romance is natural, and even healthy and normal.

But it seems to be the pinnacle for many.

The highest level one can reach in their adult life.

And to that I say, 'Really?!' 

Is being in a relationship really the most important thing I have to offer to the world?

Don't get me wrong, marriage is beautiful, ordained by God and is absolutely an important, growing, God-honoring part of the lives of some 90% of people that do marry at some point in their lives...

however... it is not the be all, end all of life. It is not the only thing that we have to offer the world.

I have had a lot of time to reflect on singleness as its been a fairly consistent thing for me during my adult years.

What used to seem like a curse and an embarrassment has slowly become a valuable blessing. I never thought I would say that about being single, but the Lord is persistent in teaching His children critical truths. Even for those that are stubborn... *ahem.*

In my singleness I am able to be the show-up-on-your-front-door-with-cookies-because-you're-sick friend.

I am able to be a part of many ministries, volunteer opportunities and pursue numerous passions because my time is my own.

I am able to empathize with others who are single, trying to navigate it in a world that is obsessed with relationships.

I am responsible to provide for myself alone, and to be generous with the excess I've been given.


I guess at the end of the day, my hope is that we can champion and encourage one another no matter their relationship status. That we can value the gifts that each brings to the table regardless of whether they have a ring on their left hand or not... we're all necessary parts of the larger body.

Let us love radically, give generously, sow kindness, pursue truth, regardless of relationship status.

YOU are valuable. YOU are loved. YOU are gifted. 
No strings attached. 

Stitch Fix #2

This is a lighthearted post, but still something I am excited about... STITCH FIX!

If you haven't heard of Stitch Fix, it is an organization that sends clothes and accessories straight to your door, based on a style profile that you fill out. In other words, the items are all personalized to fit your style and needs. You tell your stylist what you like,you pay for what you keep, and send back the rest. Its pretty genius really.

My second Fix came last week, and I was so pleased with it! If you're feeling the need to spruce up your wardrobe, here is the link to try out Stitch Fix stitchfix.com/referral/8738466. There is no sign up fee, and you only pay for the items you keep. There is a $20 styling fee that is taken off the total of your purchase if you choose to keep any items.

Another bonus: For those trying to shop ethically, just ask your stylist to send only clothing made in the USA or Canada!

I thought I'd share with you each of the five items I was sent, and whether it was a keeper or a return...

#1-- Terin Contrast Hem Knit Top

 Thoughts: I really liked this sweater. Its a light fabric that could easily be dressed up or dressed down. The color was perfect (I love me some maroon!) It was cozy, and I was really toying with the idea of keeping it. Its kind of hard to see in this picture, but there is a seam that goes across the waist area that I didn't love.

Verdict: Returned. In the end, I couldn't justify spending a little more than fit into my budget right now, on an item that I didn't love.


#2-- Millie Textured Knit Dress

Thoughts: I fell in love with this dress right when I saw it, and loved it even more after I put it on. It is classy, cute, versatile and super comfy. I love dresses, and the pattern on this one was easy to wear for numerous occasions. This one could also be dressed up or dressed down-- super convenient.

Verdict: Returned. I hated to return it, but when I got real I realized that I already have far too many dresses, and simply don't have enough occasions to wear all of them. It just wasn't practical for me to add another dress to my collection. It was also slightly above my price range, but would have been a quality purchase-- just wasn't something I could justify at this point. 

#3--  Wels Puffer Vest

Thoughts: I was on the fence about this one when I pulled it out of the box. I wanted to love it, but it has been so long since I wore vests, that I just wasn't sure. When I tried it on, I liked how soft and thick it was. It definitely felt like something that would keep me cozy and warm in the winter (important in the PNW)! 

Verdict: Returned. I decided to return it for a few reasons. First off, I didn't have enough items in my wardrobe that would go well with this vest, and second, I didn't love it. It might take me a while to get on the vest bandwagon. A quality product once again, but not something that fit my style right now.

 #4-- Heather Lace Detail Tab-Sleeve Blouse

Thoughts: I LOVED this top from the moment I pulled it out of the box. The fabric is high quality, and soft. The top is dressy, but could also be worn on a daily basis. Also, the color is GORGEOUS! Its hard to see in this picture, but the front v-neck is lined with lace, as well as the top several inches of the back. Lace is in right now, and it just so happens to be one of my favorite looks as well. Double bonus!

Verdict: Keeper!! I was so excited to add this piece to my wardrobe. There are so many things I can wear with it, and its light and airy fabric makes it breathable and versatile for changing seasons. 

 #5-- Addison Skinny Jean

Thoughts: Loved them on the hanger. Did not love them on me. They hugged all the wrong places and were a little bit too small. They were cute, but did not work for me. 

Verdict:  Returned. 

Overall, I was pleased with my second Fix, and I am excited for my third to arrive in January. I'm impressed with this company and its so fun to look forward to receive a fix (you get to choose how often and what day it arrives) on your doorstep! Its convenient and the stylists work hard to pick items that fit your price range and style preferences. 

I definitely recommend Stitch Fix if you're looking for a simple, quick, affordable option for adding some new pieces to your wardrobe!!

Learn more about Stitch Fix here: https://www.stitchfix.com/about 

Grace in the Grocery Store

Today, amidst the 100+ degree temps and my desire to stay inside, sleep and watch hours of Netflix... I decided to get out and do something semi-productive. I went to the grocery store. We needed a few things and I wasn't going to complain about getting out of the house (with no AC, mind you). So, away I went.

I found myself wandering through the aisles, looking mostly at things I didn't need. I stopped to grab some salsa and in the process I knocked a bottle of hot sauce off the shelf- the glass breaking , and hot sauce spilling all over aisle 16. To make it even better, the store clerk saw it all. I stood there as she called for 'clean up in aisle 16' and I was that person.

But just then another shopper strolled by and stopped. She looked at me with a smile and said "Oh, I've done that before, too". I smiled back and replied "Yeah, its easy to do."

Right then. Community. 
A stranger reaching out with kindness and grace.
Stopping to acknowledge me, even though I had just embarrassed myself.
Identifying and relating to me and gently reminding 'me too,' 'me too.'

She could have walked by without saying anything.
She could have judged or laughed.
She could have pretended not to notice.
But she didn't.
Her simple kindness, probably small in her eyes, meant the world to me.

Its not been an easy season of life.
I've been fighting against some seasonal depression.
I've been learning and growing and becoming brave as I sit in my counselor's office each week.
I've been struggling with loneliness and direction.
Its just felt heavy-- like I've been trudging uphill for far too long.
Anticipating the two year anniversary of my mom's passing.

I am convinced that kindness, noticing and validating others, and grace can change the world. What seems like a small act on the part of the giver, can be monumental on the receiving end.

So, as one who was the recipient of grace... I choose to scatter grace as well.
After all, grace is mine, and yours, in abundance.

Of his fullness we have received grace upon grace. (1 John 1:16). 

Be a life changer. Sow grace.

His.

I met with a friend/mentor recently, in one of our favorite, local coffee shops, and like always, we talked about a whole slew of things. Family. Jesus. Church. Work. Boys. And toward the end, the topic of 'singleness' came up. She is married with children, and I am single. I kind of love that two people, in different seasons of life can come together and enjoy, learn and grow with one another. I think it speaks to the beauty of diversity and community.

As I processed my thoughts on singleness, I explained that the older one gets in the church, the more it seems like you stand out if you're single. There are fewer and fewer singles in the church. I know the statistics, young people are leaving the church at alarming rates and Christians often get married young. I know all of that. But still, its sometimes difficult to realize that you are apart of a rapidly shrinking group of people. I suppose it is difficult not because singleness is bad (because its not), but because it feels as though fewer church-goers 'relate' to singleness in real time.

I sometimes wonder if the church champions and encourages singles, as well as it does families. There are 'Mom's groups' and 'young marrieds groups' and sometimes there are singles groups... but more often than not, singles groups feels like 'desperate, looking for a spouse, can-I-have-your-number' groups. I say this not to bash on small groups (I believe they are imperative), nor to bash on singles groups (thankful that there are others who are in the same season of life who are close to my age), but rather, to question the status quo.

Why aren't singles encouraged to radically pursue their passions and giftings and to love their families and friends well (even if that doesn't involve a significant other/fiance/spouse)

Why is the first question always 'are you seeing anyone?' (I am as guilty as the next person, I love talking about relationships... I am being convicted as I write).

Why do people assume that singles must be miserable/want to change their relationship status immediately/shocked because they're not dating?

Why do there seem to be subtle labels on someone based off of their relationship status?

Single? Why? What flaws do you have that make you undesirable? Surely you must want my help in finding a spouse. 

Married? Perfect. Now, how many kids do you/will you have? You must be so fulfilled having someone to love you day in and day out. 

Divorced? Scarlet letter. Yikes. Gasp. Look away. 

Its madness, and yet its so common. We label each other constantly. I hate it. I hate that it is inside of me and that I am quick to see someone for something like their relationship status.

Recently the Lord has been reminding me that we are so much more than that little box we mark on our taxes-- we are so much more than single, married, divorced, widowed. Yes, it makes a huge difference in our lives and the way we conduct ourselves (hopefully), but it is not our identity. 

I struggle with this. I am detailed and a black-and-white thinker. I like things labeled and orderly. But identity strips away all of the excess in our lives and reminds us that bare bones, our identity is thus:

HIS. His. Child of God. Loved. Made worthy. Forgiven. So, so loved. 

I like that a lot better than the speculation of what someone's relationship status means.
Being His is peace. And relationship status dies away... I am a child of God. He is my Father. Plain and simple.

I am glad that the Lord does not label us the way we often label ourselves or others. What a good, good Father He is.

Let us have His eyes. Let us see others as people radically loved by God. Perhaps we will be able to radically love them back, when we realize that that is our identity as well.

Be still and know.

Grieving on Mother's Day

Unless you live under a rock, I'm sure you're aware that Mother's Day is tomorrow.

I'm glad our country celebrates mothers. I'm glad that their endless dedication, love and guidance is noticed and appreciated.

But this year, Mother's Day is hard.

Its actually my second mother's day without a mom to celebrate, but I have absolutely zero memories of the first. I suspect my brain blocked it out, or I was still in a grieving head fog and that is why I cannot remember last year. But this year, it seems like I can't escape it. I feel bad even writing that, because again, I think Mother's Day is a wonderful holiday and I'm so glad that my friends and family get to give a special shout out to their deserving mothers.

But to me, it just feels like a painful reminder of what I don't have.

Seeing advertisements, cards, gifts, hearing people talk about it... its quite the buzz and honestly, I want to hide until its over. Its not like my family ever did anything monumental for Mother's Day, but I think now I treasure even the simple things that I don't get to do anymore.

I feel like the kid that got left out. The one that doesn't get to join the party.

One of my precious co-workers asked me how Mother's Day would be for me. She asked if our family would do anything to remember mom together. I explained that we probably won't do anything organized (because, if you know my family, doing anything that requires half an ounce of organization and planning is a success)... but I told her that its been hard. That it is a weird feeling to not have a mom to celebrate this year. I suppose I celebrate the woman and mother that she was, but even that involves bitterness because I cannot celebrate her life here and now, with her.

Losing someone close to you does things... its made me far more sentimental and its also made me protective in an odd way. Protective of other people's moms. I hung out with a friend a while back and I asked him what he was doing for his mom for mom's day, and he said he would show up and tell her that he loved her. I encouraged him to buy her a card because mom's like that kind of stuff. But I realize its also, because, its what I wish I were able to do this year and can't. I realize the paradox of it all, but for some reason, it became very important to me that this friend get his mom a card. And that all moms are lavishly celebrated this year.

So I guess my hope is this, that you will celebrate your mother with enthusiasm. That she will feel so loved, valued and appreciated (not just on mother's day, by the way....) and that you will be able to revel in the mother you were given.

But don't be offended if I don't show up to the party. Its a hard day for me, and for others that have lost mothers (or children) and sometimes, we just need to stay in, grieve and make it through the day.

And that is ok.

Happy, Hard Mothers Day to all the moms out there.

Bless and Do not Curse.

I teach preschoolers.

Its a tough job. Its also a rewarding job.

Today was particularly rough. A lot of misplaced energy and a lot of breaking up fights. A lot of tears and a lot of talks.

The same child had to take a break from recess twice for the same offense.
Another child as well.

I felt like a broken record. And found myself frustrated that it felt like those children were not understanding that the rules were designed to keep them and others safe.

As I was walking home from work, pondering some of this, I realized that perhaps our Heavenly Father feels similarly when his children stumble and disobey in the same way over and over again.

I wonder if he thinks 'If only they understood that I am not saying this to take away their fun, but rather, to protect them.' I was convicted by that thought. How many times have I taken situations into my own hands because I felt like I knew best (better than God)?! How many times have I made the same mistake or committed the same sin after being forgiven and warned? More times than I can count.

Sometimes the desires of this world are so strong. Sometimes unhealthy things seem so appetizing... at least in the moment. In the end, however, they lead to more hurt, pain, humiliation and brokenness.

I got a small taste today of maybe how the Lord feels when we disobey. I was reminded that he gently, yet firmly gives us rules because he knows without them our lives would be in complete shambles. Our actions only selfish and our words cutting and hurtful.

Do not have idols-- because they will never fill the void in your life. They're not worth it. I am.

Love other people-- because they are made in my image and they are reflections of me. And because I love them. When you love, you are being Jesus to that person.

Do not lie-- because it breaks relationship. It tears down trust. It causes you to lose intimacy. And I am a God that desires healthy relationships.

Do not covet-- It causes discontent and bitterness and resentment. In the end, you're hurting yourself by carrying such a heavy weight. I will give you what you need.

And really, all of God's rules come down to one thing-- love God, love others. But is that ever a doozey of a command. 

I hear the Father's voice beckoning his children back to him, reminding us that He is a God that loves vulnerability and intimacy. He gives rules because he wants us to live healthy lives.

What a good, good Father he is.

Reflections on Grief (1.5 years in)

A year and a half of living life without my mother by my side has come and gone.

I was aware of the day when it came, and I was intentional about thinking and reflecting on mom, my grief and this part year and a half.

But I didn't say much about it.
I didn't know what to say.

As I've thought about it I've realized a few things.

First off, its still hard. Really hard. I don't notice the grief breathing down my neck constantly, like I did right after she died. But in the moments of quiet reflection my heart still misses her immensely. Our family of three now has to fill in the gaps and do all of the little things that she used to do, like grocery shopping and dishes and making sure we check in with the relatives even when life is busy.

Who do I go to when I have a question about our family tree? Mom knew everything about our family, and if she didn't know, she knew where to find it.

Who do I go to when I am hungry but so don't want to make myself anything? Mom always had something prepared, even if it was just a cheese sandwich.

Who do I share my odd love and curiosity about celebrities lives with? Mom never thought me weird when I bought 'People' magazine because a favorite singer/actor/famous person was featured on the front.

Its the little things that I miss. The things that were so easy to overlook while she was here have now become precious memories.

Second, I still have to explain her death to people.

Its not anyone's fault.

Starting a new job I knew it would come up sooner or later and I dreaded having to explain that my mom is gone. Because my emotions in the moment of explanation are often unpredictable.

I ran into an old neighbor that I haven't seen in years the other day. Naturally, she asked how my parents were. I hemmed and hawed and said '...well my mom passed away about a year and a half ago... cancer had spread...' and I got choked up.

Its awkward explaining that 'I live with my dad and sister'... there is an obvious missing piece. And I explain once again that mom is gone.

I suppose I've grown accustomed to it over the last 18 months, but its still difficult and awkward to explain. And yet, there is also a relief in explaining my situation. I feel vulnerable and yet deeply known. And that is what we all want, isn't it?

Third, sharing my story somehow heals (myself and others).

I don't understand the way God designed it all, but there is a definite healing and intimacy that comes when we authentically share our lives, even the awful parts with others.

So many times I've wanted to hide my story, not out of shame necessarily but mostly out of a supposed 'self preservation.' I didn't want to relive the hurt. But oddly enough, I never hurt more when I shared. Rather, it has always placed a little healing touch into my heart. It has always been the thing that connected me most to other people. Pain has a way of doing that. Maybe its because we all have it, and its refreshing to see someone who understands. 

I suppose, at the end of the day I have learned that 'no man is an island' (thank you Tenth Avenue North). We're NOT meant to do this life alone.
Even when it feels like sharing will only bring more pain.
Even when it is scary and takes every ounce of courage and boldness.

Life is richer when we live as we were created to live and when we share our pain and brokenness. Because together, we can look to the one who holds the whole world in His hands.

Wonderful counselor.
Everlasting Father.
Prince of Peace.

I can't think of anyplace I'd rather be, than in His arms of love.