A few nights ago I sat with a friend-- legs crossed on her bed, reminiscing, rejoicing and crying as she prepares to marry in a few short months.
We talked about the sleepovers and spontaneous hang outs-- how easy it has been to get together at the drop of a hat. We cried that that will be more difficult in a few months. We encouraged each other and we reminded one another of who they are. It was so filling for our spirits.
At some point the conversation turned to me and she told me to let her know if ever the wedding talk becomes hard for me, as a single person and I need to take some time to breathe. I promised I would. But I also explained my current state, what He's been teaching me and how my mindset has changed, slowly but steadily over the last several years.
It took me a long time to come to this place. For so long I saw marriage as superior to singleness. I spent hours and hours thinking about and hoping for a spouse, wanting my crush to notice me...
I distinctly remember the first time my mindset started to change. I was in my college dorm room, a junior at the time, getting ready for my day, and the Lord gave me this sense of excitement and joy as I thought about being single. It was something I had never experienced before.
After that it was a million little things that continued to change my mind... it was the numerous singles that I bumped elbows with that were living so fully and so well, despite lacking a significant other. It was me choosing to invest in things that matter now, and believing that those things were worthwhile, even without a spouse by my side. It was realizing that I wouldn't have been able to be a Resident Assistant my senior year of University if I had been married. And man, I would have missed out. I wouldn't trade that for anything. It was being real honest with friends and mentors about how I felt and where I was at. It was countless prayers.
I explained it to my friend the other night as me having a massive feast of Italian food in front of me-- pasta, cheese, alfredo sauce-- the works... all the while lusting over her Mexican food feast. How often do we do that? Ignore our own rich blessings, in search of what we really want? How much do we actually end up missing out on in search of 'the good life'?
As I was talking to my friend I realized that its taken years, but I am finally at a place where I see marriage and singleness as equal in beauty, usefulness and status. Its embarrassing to admit how long it took, but it is the truth. I do not consider my life or status inferior to that of my married friends any longer. I consider my life different but equal. I also explained that if I had married young, I would likely never have learned this lesson. It was one of those things that needed to be learned through struggling with my current state of being, rather than being handed the thing that I wanted. I would have spent years, potentially even a lifetime believing the lie that marriage was superior to singleness, had I not been forced to struggle with the truth during my single years. And the Lord knew that was no way to live. So, I am convinced that at least part of the reason I am 26 and single is because I needed to come to that understanding, and it took years of doubt, struggle, prayers and tears to finally have a settled heart and mind.
I am thankful that our Father does not instantly give us what we want, the moment we want it. I would have likely still believed that destructive lie... and I would have missed out on so much of what I've learned, done and seen during my single years.
I am so grateful that I truly can echo that age old hymn that says,
'Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul'.
If you're struggling with your current status as a single person, I encourage you to find mentors, good friends-- people you can talk to and who will listen and encourage and cry with you. And I promise that the lessons you're learning now are worth it.
Keep living fully, and keep investing well, knowing you are loved now.
