I'm glad our country celebrates mothers. I'm glad that their endless dedication, love and guidance is noticed and appreciated.
But this year, Mother's Day is hard.
Its actually my second mother's day without a mom to celebrate, but I have absolutely zero memories of the first. I suspect my brain blocked it out, or I was still in a grieving head fog and that is why I cannot remember last year. But this year, it seems like I can't escape it. I feel bad even writing that, because again, I think Mother's Day is a wonderful holiday and I'm so glad that my friends and family get to give a special shout out to their deserving mothers.
But to me, it just feels like a painful reminder of what I don't have.
Seeing advertisements, cards, gifts, hearing people talk about it... its quite the buzz and honestly, I want to hide until its over. Its not like my family ever did anything monumental for Mother's Day, but I think now I treasure even the simple things that I don't get to do anymore.
I feel like the kid that got left out. The one that doesn't get to join the party.
One of my precious co-workers asked me how Mother's Day would be for me. She asked if our family would do anything to remember mom together. I explained that we probably won't do anything organized (because, if you know my family, doing anything that requires half an ounce of organization and planning is a success)... but I told her that its been hard. That it is a weird feeling to not have a mom to celebrate this year. I suppose I celebrate the woman and mother that she was, but even that involves bitterness because I cannot celebrate her life here and now, with her.
Losing someone close to you does things... its made me far more sentimental and its also made me protective in an odd way. Protective of other people's moms. I hung out with a friend a while back and I asked him what he was doing for his mom for mom's day, and he said he would show up and tell her that he loved her. I encouraged him to buy her a card because mom's like that kind of stuff. But I realize its also, because, its what I wish I were able to do this year and can't. I realize the paradox of it all, but for some reason, it became very important to me that this friend get his mom a card. And that all moms are lavishly celebrated this year.
So I guess my hope is this, that you will celebrate your mother with enthusiasm. That she will feel so loved, valued and appreciated (not just on mother's day, by the way....) and that you will be able to revel in the mother you were given.
But don't be offended if I don't show up to the party. Its a hard day for me, and for others that have lost mothers (or children) and sometimes, we just need to stay in, grieve and make it through the day.
And that is ok.
Happy, Hard Mothers Day to all the moms out there.
