Letting Go

So, I changed the name of my blog. The idea came as I was lying in bed last night, trying and failing miserably at going to sleep. I am always the most creative while lying in bed-- its inevitable.

The title reflects what God is currently teaching me, and it signifies much of what this year meant for me. I am realizing the importance of letting go.

Letting go of my expectations of how God should work so that I can be excited about what He is doing.

Letting go of my selfishness to better love and serve others.

Letting go of the picture in my head of what my life and everyone else's lives should look like so I can submit to His plan and purpose (which is always better than mine!)

Letting go of what is behind, and straining forward to what is ahead, I press on to the goal... for which God has called me (Philippians 3:13-14).

Letting go of self to experience Him more fully. 

My prayer for 2014 is that God's people would learn to let go of control, worries, fears and walk in newness of life (Romans 6:4) and experience His freedom.  It is, after all, for freedom He's set us free (Galatians 5:1).

 So walk, in newness of life.

2013

How does one even begin to sum up a year in a single blog post? I know that this post will not do justice to what this year has been for me, but perhaps it will scratch the surface.

2013. Hands down the most challenging year of my life. No doubt about it-- so many unexpected twists and turns. At times it felt like I was on a roller coaster with my eyes closed and I couldn't stop. Sometimes it dipped. Sometimes it turned. Sometimes it went upside down. And while it was hard and scary, it was also exhilarating, exciting and I leave changed. 

The first six months of this year were spent in Montana-- my second home. I was finishing up the 9 month Bible course that had begun in September of 2012. Y'all, I saw the body of Christ displayed in a way which I hadn't ever quite seen it displayed before. The people-- staff, students, everyone are all sold out for Christ. They live for Him each day and they long to please Him and share Him with others. I made beautiful friendships while I was there and I experienced the sweet, sweet love of Jesus on a deeper level as I studied His word.

 But it wasn't all glitter, either. The first six months of this year were also some of the hardest of my life. I went through a bout of depression/spiritual warfare in January and February. I was sad and down and anxious and I didn't know why. I couldn't shake it. And it affected my relationships. I felt so lonely-- it was not anyone's fault, it was just what I was working through.

I remember waking up some mornings to pray with a friend, and just crying-- barely able to get any words out because I just felt such a sense of sadness. And it wasn't me. I am not a sad person. I am joyful-- but those two months were hard y'all.

That was when things started to 'get real.' We were encouraged, in our studies to ask the 'why' questions, but every time I did that, I felt like I was doubting my faith. And I actually had to stop and look my beliefs straight in the face and figure out why I believed. It wasn't enough for the answer to be 'because...' I had to understand. It had to be mine, and it was, but this was a time that solidified it even more.

 And, in March a really beautiful friendship began to form. I remember praying fervently before I started school, and it was simple-- I wanted a really close, 'best friend' while in Montana. Just when I wondered if God was even going to bring that about, a friendship happened. To this day I don't even remember how we first started hanging out. I think we happened to get into a conversation about how we both wanted to start working out on a regular basis, and then we began 'work-out partners.' Bang. We were friends. Literally the deepest-the-fastest friendship I have ever formed. But this girl is a gem, y'all. She spoke truth to me more times than I can count and God has used her mightily in my life over the past nine months. We cried together. Prayed together. Laughed together. Shared our lives. I am still blown away at how He knew exactly what I needed, and brought it at the perfect time.

And... she likes to craft. So that is also a bonus ;)

 God used Bible school to teach me about His intense love even more. He showed me His mercy-- from the time of creation through Jesus' life and every day that has ever existed, His mercy and love has gone before us. That is perhaps the most significant thing that studying the Bible for a year taught me. His love is wild. It cannot be understood and we will only ever just barely begin to scratch the surface with our understanding of it.

God was doing a lot in my heart during this time. He was uprooting some deep insecurities. He was speaking truth to places where I had believed lies for so long. And He was showing me places where I imprisoned myself with guilt and started gently removing that unnecessary guilt. And while I write this now, dry eyed, let me tell you, I was not 'dry eyed' during that time. I cried. All the time. It was painful and hard. Change always is. But it was so needed. And never once did His love not carry me through.

School ended at the end of June, and that was bittersweet for sure. But before it ended-- about 3 weeks before, I got a call from my sister back home, in Oregon, telling me that our mom had been diagnosed with stage four breast cancer. I can't tell you what that felt like. I was finishing SBS and was stressed beyond reason while also preparing to say 'good bye' to some of my closest friends, knowing that some I may never see again. And now this.

It was hard. It didn't make sense. But, something I can say for sure, throughout this time and my entire time in Montana is this-- I had peace. Sometimes that peace was threatened and anxiety knocked, but I remember just feeling this really beautiful, sweet presence of the Lord. And there was peace where it didn't make sense. My future-- my family's future was way up in the air, and yet I knew that we didn't walk alone. I can't explain it, because it is a peace that cannot be explained, but it is one of the surest signs that God was with us through the diagnosis.

Finally, graduation came. And there was much rejoicing. And many tears. And a whole lot of hugs.

And I went home on the train. With a whole nine months worth of Bible study and happenings to process through and a family life that was going to be quite different than what I had envisioned just a few weeks earlier.

I had six weeks of summer before starting back up at University. It was mostly spent with family. Doctors appointments. Chauffeuring. Getting stuff together for University.

And at the end of August my sister and I shuttled ourselves an hour south to come to University. And the adventure began. No, we are not roommates. We wanted to be social and meet other people.

So, for the past 3+ months I have been here, at University. I am still blown away that I get to study psychology-- something about which I am passionate and love deeply. I am blessed to have a beautiful hall of girls that bring joy to my life each day. And to be in a place that fosters Christian growth and that encourages us to live lives of service and devotion to God.

And it is beautiful. And a transition. I was a hot mess for the first couple of week. I hate change... ironic, I know, since it seems like for the past 2 1/2 years my life has consisted solely of change. But nonetheless, its a challenge for me.

I came into this year with a lot of expectations, and a lot of which weren't met in the way that I thought that they should be. That created some disappointment. Perhaps the biggest thing that God has taught me this year, aside from His great love and mercy is that I need to put aside my expectations and allow Him to work as He desires.

What a challenge. I so love control. But He gently shows me that He is in fact that One holding the reigns so to speak and He is worth of my trust. Man, why is trust so hard? I think its because I can be quite stubborn at times...

And at the end of the year, looking back to all that 2013 was, and looking forward to what He has in store for 2014 I can say with more confidence than ever before-- He is faithful. Through diagnoses. Through depression. Through change. Through loneliness. He never left. And His patience blows my mind.

Psalm 138

I give you thanks, O Lord, with my whole heart;

before the gods I sing your praise;

2 I bow down toward your holy temple

and give thanks to your name for your steadfast love and your faithfulness,

for you have exalted above all things

your name and your word.

3 On the day I called, you answered me;

my strength of soul you increased.

4 All the kings of the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord,

for they have heard the words of your mouth,

5 and they shall sing of the ways of the Lord,

for great is the glory of the Lord.

6 For though the Lord is high, he regards the lowly,

but the haughty he knows from afar.

7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,

you preserve my life;

you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies,

and your right hand delivers me.

8 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;

your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.

Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Strive. Strain... Rest.

Strive. Strain. Strive some more.

This has been my reality as of late. I've noticed an unhealthy lifestyle starting to take place. Its actually something that I've had to fight against for most of my life, but its been manifesting itself again recently.

With 17 credits, a part time job, community service hours to complete and an internship coming up, plus homework, church, relationships and hall events I'd say I'm pretty darn busy.

And yet even so, I often feel as though I'm not 'doing enough' for the kingdom. Its an unhealthy thought pattern, and I realize that. So I medicate by making sure that I am always involved in whatever it is that is going on around me. I serve meals at a local non-profit. I go to all of the dorm events. I have 27 coffee dates a week. I pray for people. And I wonder if in God's eyes I am 'doing enough.'

I recently sent a long, drawn out email to a friend about this very thing, and her response stung a little initially, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. I'm grateful that she loves me enough to speak truth even when it isn't always pretty. She told me this:

"And, to me, because you are concerned about not speaking enough, shows that you are not trying to dodge your responsibility to speak when necessary. But it also shows that you have a mixed up view of what evangelism is in it's basic form. Each of us have been given different gifts. Ephesians 4 speaks of some of the gifts. Some are to be Apostles, Prophets, Evangelists, Shepherds, and others Teachers... but it is all for the building up of the body, unity in faith and knowledge of the Son of God. (v11-13) We are to operate in our giftings, and each one gift needs the others to get the full picture of Christ. Sometimes the evangelist's gift gets put on center-stage because it is is mainly the one up-front, but it is no more important than the teaching gift."

 

I often recognize this pattern in my life-- this nervousness that I am not 'doing enough', that I am somehow not making a difference because I am in a Christian community, I spend 90% of my time around people that essentially believe the same as I do and I feel like I'm not spreading the Gospel. It sounds silly when I write it, because God is so much bigger than my ideas of what 'being used' looks like. And yet, I know that I am not the only one that struggles with this idea.

And I also realize my tendency, within my Christian community to want to look like I have my ducks in a row. I am naturally a pretty open person. There isn't a lot that my close friends don't know about me. I am just a sharer of my life and I often talk about what I'm learning, what I'm struggling through and the things that I'm realizing about myself and the world around me. Even so, I often wonder what others might think when they see the selfishness that lives within me. The critical spirit that rears its ugly head. The self-righteous spirit that threatens unity. Those are the things that I fear other people seeing. Because I do not want to be self-righteous. I do not want to be selfish. I do not want to be critical. But I am. So often I am. 

I hate the selfishness that lives inside of me, and yet I realize, that in this I am also not alone. The longer I am in healthy Christian community, the more I realize the healing that comes when we just openly speak of our struggles, our hurtful habits and the things that we're not proud about. I'm pretty sure that is why James says:

 

 "Therefore confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed" (5:16, italics mine)

So I guess I am slowly learning that it really is alright that I don't have it together. Like even a little bit. No matter how much I wish that I did, I do not. And I know that Father knows that and He does have it together, so I can rest in that.

He's teaching me that I don't have to strive all the time. Striving ceases when one knows and understands their calling and knows to whom they belong. So I guess I'm still learning this as well. As I seek Him, He guides me and shows me what He has for me. Even if that is something that seems simple to me. Its not always massive and gigantic. Sometimes its encouraging a friend. Sometimes its smiling at someone who needs to see a friendly face. And sometimes its speaking truth to someone who is tangled in lies. 

So I am learning to rest. That has been the word for this year and let me tell you, it is a journey. Who knew resting could be so hard? It is. But its also a beautiful journey, and as I learn, I learn with others who are on similar journeys and who can encourage, pray for and help spur me on. I am grateful for the body.

I am broken. So broken. But I serve the One who is the very definition of what it means to be "whole". In that there is rest.

Food for Thought

"Every time that God is really doing something amazing in my heart its when everything was falling apart around me. Its like God says to me, 'No, its not your circumstances that need to change, its you...'" -Mike Donehey (Tenth Avenue North)

Don't wish me happiness
I don't expect to be happy all the time...
It's gotton beyond that somehow.
Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor.
I will need them all.”

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

 

Someday...

Tonight was open mic night here at University.
And I went, and it was amazing.
There is so much talent.

And it got me thinking-- there are so many things that I've always wanted to do, that I've kind of always just said 'someday...'

I want to become fluent in Spanish.

I want to learn to cook really well.

I want to learn to play guitar or piano.

I want to sing well.

I want to become better at photography.

And yes, I am a college student. I am busy. I am working. I am taking 17 credits. But, I will always be busy. I will always have work. Family. Kids. Friends. Life doesn't get less busy as it goes on, I am convinced.

So now is a good time to start doing these things that I've always wanted to do. Today is when I am living. God has given me and each of us this time to live. We don't know what tomorrow holds, and I am convinced that when we look back on our lives, we will regret the things that we didn't do-- all of those things that we wanted to do but never got around to.

God loves when we explore and when we pursue passions. I know that He loves it when we step out and are willing to put in the hard work to do something that is challenging, but worthwhile.

So... that being said-- I am going home this weekend, and I will cook at least one dinner for my family while I'm home... (pray the house doesn't burn down...)

Seize the day!

Comfort.

This week has been rough.

Two exams today.

A psychology class that forces me to think about hard things. Broken things inside of me.

The rain started this week.

Missing friends.

Playing the comparison game.

Emotions flying high.

Its just been one of those weeks. And I wasn't thrilled with how I handled some situations today. And I am afraid that people aren't going to like me. That they're going to think I'm boring/dull/not understanding/irritable/not cool. And the truth is I really want people to like me. 

There. I said it. I do. I really do. I want people to like me. And I am scared of messing up and disappointing people. I am scared of doing things the wrong way. I am scared to step out of my comfort zone and walk in boldness. And I hate it.

I hate that my norm is just to stay and do what I've always done, because its safe. I hate that when I'm feeling that tug to step out and do something that might take a little more vulnerability than I am comfortable with, that I freeze. I don't know what to do, and I try to ignore it.

Because heaven forbid I am ever not comfortable. 

Except, that isn't what the gospel teaches at all. The gospel teaches that we will face uncomfortable situations. Its guaranteed. You sign up for it when you give your life to the Lord. But I like safe. I like to do what I know works. I like people to not think I'm weird.

And all of this has led me to realize that maybe I don't fully understand the gospel. Or maybe I've been living out of a gospel that is only partially 'the gospel' and partially worship of my own comfort. Why do I love my own comfort so much? Because its familiar. Its safe. Its what I know. And my ego is protected when I am comfortable. I don't have to look my own sinful nature in the face and change when I am comfortable.

That is a nice idea, but it isn't the gospel.

I was walking back to my dorm from class earlier this week, and I was talking to God. I told Him I wasn't sure that I could do it-- this whole studying Psychology thing. I told Him that it broke my heart to see people in situations where there was addiction and death and a sense of hopelessness. And He told me 'Hannah, that is exactly why you need to study Psychology.'

And in that moment I realized that this journey of learning about humans and the way that they're created and how we think and act and do things is going to be hard. Because we are sinful creatures. We don't do things that we ought to do. And we do things that we ought not to do. And we are broken. We are selfish. But perhaps, when we understand each other, we can love better. Because we're approaching our brothers and sisters from a place of empathy, not of ignorance.

It won't be comfortable, that much has already been made clear. But I know its what I am supposed to be studying. And its what I love-- even though its hard. Gut-wrenching. Heart breaking at times. I love it because there is hope. There is restoration. There is truth and transformation that takes place.

I am learning about discomfort. And I am learning how to have courage. I think I'll be learning these things for a long time.

I am also learning that things worth doing are seldom easy. But they're worth it. They always are.

So I sit here, realizing my own brokenness and inability. And I admit that I fail often. Daily. Hourly. But I serve the One who never fails. Even though life is not comfortable I know that He walks with me. People might not like me. People might discourage me. But the question arises in those cases-- Where is my identity and hope found? Is it in people or in God? I know the 'right' answer, but what does my life show?

My prayer is that we become men and women of courage and that we would pursue His kingdom over our comfort. Regardless of what others say. I want to please God, not man.

Community.

Community.

Its a word that is often thrown around, but perhaps, not often understood. Its a nice catch phrase. Its a nice thing we like to talk about every now and again. But I think that its importance and significance in our lives is much larger than we sometimes realize.

I am speaking to myself here. I notice a massive difference in my countenance and even my self-esteem when I am a part of community versus when I am kind of doing life on my own. We were created for community, so it makes sense. We were never meant to do this life on our own-- we're together creatures. We're social creatures. Even introverts-- we're all meant to be a part of the larger world around us, and that is a really beautiful thing.

I think of the account in the book of Genesis, when God made Adam. He said that Adam was good, but we see-- "The Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'" (Genesis 2:18). And then He made Eve, from one of Adam's ribs. This is such a beautiful picture of the unity and togetherness that our Father values, and that we should value as well.

There are countless references to the body of Christ in the New Testament. I am convinced that we were never meant to do life alone. When I am alone too long I usually create a problem in my head that was never there. And I become more anxious. And I become more irritable. We need each other-- to encourage, pray, speak truth, laugh, cry, talk with. We just need community. And I don't mean someone that you can make small talk with. I mean true, raw, real, open community-- people that you can be genuinely yourself around. That is the kind of community that our hearts desire.

Today I had some community time, and it did my heart really well. I had some deep and genuine conversations. I laughed and reminisced. And my heart was at peace, knowing that God had placed those special people in my life at this moment-- this time of transition and vulnerability and at a time when I feel particularly fragile. I sensed God there and I rested.

All of this is meant to say-- find community. Go to church. Find friends who share similar interests. Go to community group. Find a community of people that will encourage you and lift you up and draw you closer to Him. We were meant for community. Lets live together, and love others together, and share His love together.

Happiness or Joy?

Happiness.

It seems to be the buzz word these days. Log onto pinterest for 5 minutes and there are cutesy little inspirational quotes that will say things like this:

 

Or I hear well meaning Christians say things like-- "Christians should be the happiest people in the world." 

While I understand that people sometimes need a little 'pick me up' and that happiness is a good thing, I do not think that it is the most important thing. In fact, I think that often times we will not be happy, and that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with us. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with our circumstances. It just means that we don't live in a perfect world, and I get concerned when I start seeing happiness being advertised as the 'be all-end all' of our lives. Its not. 

Sometimes we are going to have to do things that don't 'make us happy' but are right. Sometimes God asks us to do things that we're not thrilled about, and what concerns me is this-- if we're focusing so much on being happy that it becomes the goal of our lives, then we're going to come up disappointed when our best efforts at being happy 24/7 fail. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus or the prophets or Paul or any of the apostles teach that happiness is the 'right way.' Sure, we need to be grateful and live lives of thankfulness and gratitude. But hard things happen. People betray us. Lives are lost. Jobs are lost. Circumstances don't pan out the way we think they should. Its life. And If we make happiness the goal, I am afraid that we are going to spend a lot of days wondering what is wrong with us when we actually don't feel happy. 

Let me just tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. Its alright to be sad sometimes. Its all right to feel a full spectrum of emotion on many things. Jesus was not always happy. And His prayer in the garden, before His being brought before Pilate was not coming from a place of happiness. He was begging His Father to 'take this cup' from Him, if there was another way that God's plan could happen (Matthew 26:36-46). Jesus was not happy in that moment. And that is understandable. He was facing excruciating pain and hardships-- more than many of us will ever know. And I don't think Jesus' goal was to be happy, either. It was to please God. And He did please God by walking out in obedience.

I also think that this idea of 'do what makes you happy' is dangerous because sometimes what makes us happy is not good for us. Sometimes its harmful for us. Maybe doing drugs makes someone 'happy' but it is not good for the person doing it, or for those around them. It is bad, physically and mentally and will have far reaching consequences, often times. Sometimes speeding makes people happy, but it can result in huge fines, injury or death.

Lastly, happiness is a feeling. It is different than joy. As Christians, we talk about 'joy' often and I think sometimes happiness and joy are kind of thrown into the same category. But they are not the same. In fact, I would argue that they are vastly different. Happiness results from circumstances and it is a feeling that comes and goes. Joy can be constant. It is a deep conviction and belief that no matter what comes in this life, God remains the same and heaven is my home. Kay Warren says it much better than I can: "Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation." If someone buys me a smoothie, that makes me happy. If someone cuts me off in traffic, that makes me frustrated. If someone shouts at me, that makes me sad. These are all normal emotions to feel regularly. And we should not feel guilty when we are not happy. It is ok. Joy, however, remains despite circumstances.

Again, happiness is a good thing. I am not bashing happiness and saying that everyone should be walking around like glum Eyeore's. But I am saying that there are dangers when we focus on our happiness above all else. There are dangers when that becomes the goal of our lives-- to be happy. I think we need to enjoy the happy times, and also realize that sad times will come, and that is not a defect in our lives, it is a fact of life because we live in an imperfect world. Worshiping happiness is a problem, and it seems like its been on the rise lately. Please, if painting makes you happy then paint. If riding horses makes you happy, then by all means, ride horses. But don't use the excuse of wanting to be happy to justify poor decisions. That is where it becomes a slippery slope.

I read something the other day that said 'I would rather be honest than impressive.' And I think there is so much truth in that. Sometimes my honesty is not always butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes healing and life includes sadness and pain and hardships. That is life and if we're only ever seeking to be happy, I am afraid that we'll come up empty every time. We are not guaranteed happiness. But we are told that we can 'rejoice' in hardships and we can have continual joy because we know whose we are and who we are and because we know that this imperfect world is not the end. We can have joy in knowing that the life to come far outweighs this one and that that is what we're living for.This is our temporary home.

So where is your focus? Is it on being 'happy' all the time? Or is it on finding that deeper joy that comes from God alone? 

Joy from above is where its at. Focus on joy, not on happiness.

Reflections From Puzzles and Pieces.

God taught me something profound, and yet simple while I was doing a puzzle today.

I admit, I am a complete nerd in many senses of the word. I love puzzles, and actually, God usually speaks to me through interesting means, and today was no different. I was putting together a mosaic, Jack Sparrow puzzle. Classy, I know.

I don't know if y'all have spent much time doing puzzles, but they can be time consuming. And often times you'll put a piece where you think it goes, and maybe it even kind of fits in there and looks like it belongs, but with a closer look you can tell that it actually doesn't fit at all. Sometimes you have to try multiple spaces before you find where your particular piece fits. And sometimes it can be frustrating.

When we were young and my sister and I would do puzzles, she used to just force pieces together, because she hated puzzles and she just liked to try to make it work in her own way. And sometimes I did that too. And sometimes I am sure that a piece goes somewhere, but it simply doesn't fit.

And that is where God met me, and spoke to my heart. He showed me that sometimes I do that with my life. Or the lives of others. Sometimes I take an event, or idea or circumstance and try to make it fit into life where its just not meant to go. It won't fit, no matter how hard I try. Because a different 'piece' goes there.

This is all very timely for me as there has been a lot of transition in my life recently and I keep telling God that I am ready to have some normalcy. I am learning to wait and let Him orchestrate seasons and changes.

It is not God overlooking my life, it is simply Him realizing where each and every situation, circumstance and life event 'fits.' I'm not getting into the whole debate on how much of our lives is predestined by God, and how much choice He gives us, because its not really important in this case. But what I am saying is that God knows.

He knew that I needed to go to community college and then take two years off and do missions work and go to Bible school and work. It didn't make sense in the moment, and yet now I realize the perfect timing of it all.

And sometimes its like I am doing a puzzle. I try to yank the pieces out of His hands and I tell Him "This is where it goes!" Shoving it somewhere that it doesn't belong. And He is quick to remind me, when those times come that 'No, my dear, that isn't where it goes. I will put it where it goes.' And I have to learn to surrender once again. Its a lifelong lesson, I'm quite sure. One that I'll never be done learning.

And sometimes the pieces that fit together don't make sense with the rest of the picture until that point. And that is okay. It doesn't have to make sense. I trust that when the whole 'puzzle of my life' as I sometimes refer to it, is finished, that it will be beautiful. That doesn't mean that I walk around naively thinking that its not going to involve hardship. It will and it does. But knowing that I am held in His arms is beautiful.

And then there are those pieces that don't seem to fit anywhere. I had one of those today, and I realized that the puzzle piece was upside down. I wonder if that doesn't sometimes happen with life as well? Something happens, and we don't see the use of it, or how it comes into play with anything else in our lives. Or we wait and wait for it to make sense, and it doesn't.

Sometimes life goes like that. And its all part of learning to surrender. Learning to let the Master Builder do what He does-- Build. Put things together. Create. And we get to watch what He creates. I'd say that's a pretty huge privilege.

I don't have pat answers for the things in life that don't make sense. And it wouldn't do anything for anyone to try to force some pat answer. But I do know that there is a peace that comes when I stop trying to make everything fit in my time frame and I simply let Him show me where the pieces fit. 

God Does.

Life is funny. Sometimes curve balls are thrown at us, and we aren't expecting them.

This is one of those times for me. It seems like everything decided to come and attack me at once and I'm still trying to figure out what is going on. A week ago I was in Montana, graduating from Bible School with YWAM. Today I am home, and dealing with a serious illness in the family that was never expected. My best friend got engaged a few weeks ago, and I am in the wedding. University starts at the end of August, and there is still a lot of paperwork to fill out. Not to mention the need to process the last nine months, visit people, being chauffeur, caring for sickness and r-e-s-t-i-n-g. Its going to be a whirlwind of a summer.

Enough about that, though. I don't write to recount all of my 'hardships.' I write to say that sometimes life does not go as our perfect, storybook idea goes. Often times. There are bumps and valleys that we never foresaw. There are mountains and rivers that we can't climb and wade through on our own. I think when we're in seasons like that, its often when we come to an end of ourselves and realize that we actually, really can't do this thing called 'life' on our own. We can't rely on our own strength to get us through-- we can't just 'pull up our boot straps' and 'man' or 'woman up.' We cannot do it on our own. This is both a humbling and a scary though. Its humbling because we realize that we are so small, in this great big world. It is scary because that means we have to trust someone else, and what if they let us down?

Yes, that is a scary thought. But when we know the One that holds our very lives in His hands, we know that we are in the safest place possible. That doesn't mean that the storms don't come, but that through the storms, we never, ever walk alone. His strength is sufficient, and more than enough for all that we need and everything that we walk through. We sure can't do it on our own, that is sure, but He can do it. And He actually doesn't need our help, but He does love to use us.

Through this funky season, I have also been feeling like there is a little pebble in my shoe that my foot rubs against every time I take a step. I have been feeling like I don't understand God and that frustrates me. I know, I know. I will never understand God, because if I did, He sure wouldn't be worth my worship. But do I try to understand! I've been walking through this for a bit now, and God keeps reminding me that its a good thing that I don't understand Him. But part of me wants to understand Him so badly. I want everything and everyone to be in a nice, tidy little box that I create, and I want to tie it up with a ribbon and seal it, and label it.

Because that is safe.  

And humans like safe.

Sure, there may be the 'adventure loving' folk, but I think that somewhere, deep down, we really like to feel safe. We like things to be predictable, because unpredictable means that we might not be in control, and if we're not in control, then who KNOWS what might happen? The world just might fall apart. After all, the world needs us to be in control, right? Right?!

I beg to differ. And yet, so often that is how my thinking goes.

No. I am not in control. I find that is hard to admit and hard to live out. But its the truth. I have never been in control. I do not get to decide if I get a next breath or not. I cannot cure the illness in my family. I don't get to control how people respond to me. There is very little that I am actually in control of.

Now that that is settled, there is action that needs to take place. I am not in control. So who is? And how do I become okay with that? Well, yes, its the Sunday School answer--- Jesus is in control. He always has been. God is intimately in control of every detail of our lives and He is not blind or ignorant to what we need. And I become 'okay' with that by realizing His character. I realize that His character is good. I realize that His character is love. He is for us, not against us.

So in those moments, when it seems like the world is spinning out of control, and when life doesn't go as we expect, and when things just don't make a whole lot of sense, we have One to whom none of it was a mystery. We have One that lives outside of space and time and that knows and understands what is going on, even when our feeble minds do not. And that is a comfort to me. Things aren't just 'happenstance.'

I don't understand. 
God does. 

Perhaps admitting that simple, but profound truth is where pride is slashed and humility starts to grow in its place. Perhaps that is where we can stop trying to fix the world and the people in the world, and simply let God be God and let Him use us as He sees fit.

Yes, I am convinced that when we can say, and truly believe that phrase, that is a little bit of us learning to walk in humility.

And that is a beautiful thing.

How Shall We Then Live?

I find that as Christians we are constantly trying to live the way that we think God wants us to live. And rightfully so... we're called to follow Jesus and to love others and live for the Lord. But in all of this I wonder if we don't sometimes put more restrictions on people than Our Father does. We are called to be 'set apart' and 'different' than the world. We aren't supposed to just blend in with everyone else, after all, they'll know we are Christians by our love for one another (John 13:35).

In studying through the Torah, especially Leviticus the rules and regulations for God's people and how they were supposed to live are made clear. The book is full of God telling the people of Israel how they were and were not supposed to worship Him. It seems stifling at first, but after learning about the heart behind it, I find that it is actually freeing. The people of Israel had just come out of Egypt-- a land where idolatry was rampant and the fear of God was scarce to nonexistent. They were also headed to a land (Canaan) where their worship practices were horrendous and disgusting. It was more about pleasing self than anything else. It was NOT in any way about pleasing the Lord. God wanted His people to stand strong as they would be essentially entering battle when they went into the promised land. They would have awful practices that were condoned all around them. God didn't allow them to live that way, not because He was a kill-joy, but because He wanted them to experience what it was for them to worship in spirit and in truth. He wanted them to be free in Him and to experience intimacy in their relationship with Him. They couldn't do that by partaking in the detestable worship practices that the Egyptians or the Canaanites partook in. Because they weren't loving and they weren't life giving.

All this is meant to say that God does have standards-- we can't do whatever we want to worship Him. He does call us to live a certain, different kind of life, but I would argue that that life is not one that is full of chains or things that are holding us back. I would argue that that life is actually the one that brings freedom and the one that brings life in a spiritual sense. I sometimes wonder if we haven't put too much emphasis on certain things-- be it 'sins,' lifestyles or ideas that we forget the heart of what it means to follow the Lord.

I realize that sometimes we follow what has been taught, blindly, without really testing it out ourselves. That brings me to the point of what this post is actually about...  

Do we as Christians see people the way that God sees them?
What I mean is this-- there is sin. God is clear about sin in His word. Sin is not ok, and it is directly against God's best for our lives. However, I think the way that we respond to sin is imperative. Do we love people through their sin? Do we remind them of God's love for them? Do we beat them down and tell them to get their act together? One of our instructors for the book of Isaiah mentioned in class the other day that God's enemy is not people, God's enemy is wickedness. I think that is spot on. But do we handle it that way? I fear that sometimes we act as though the person is God's enemy. I fear that sometimes we forget that it is the sin that God is against-- not the person.

When Jesus came he never condoned sin, but he always loved the person behind the sin so gently and beautifully. One of my favorite examples of this was the woman that was caught in the act of adultery in John 7:53-8:11. Basically, a woman was brought to Jesus who was caught in the act of adultery, and the Pharisees wanted to stone her. But Jesus told them that those who were without sin could be the first to throw stones. I imagine that they probably sat silently, insecurely looking at their feet. They were guilty too. Jesus then asks the woman "Has no one condemned you?" and she answers, "No one." Then Jesus says one of the most beautiful things, that is actually the heart of what He came for. He says "Neither do I condemn you, go from now on and sin no more."

I am always blown away by that account. Jesus didn't tell the woman that she was worthless or awful-- be he also didn't say that what she did was 'okay.' Instead he loved her, he saw her for who she was and he told her to sin no more. He acknowledged the sin, but He didn't allow that to skew His view of that woman. He understood her value apart from what she did. She was not his enemy. And yet most others had cast her off and looked down their noses at her because of what she had done. They couldn't separate her from her sin. To them, she was her sin. And that was all she was. What pride.

I don't know about you, but all of this buzz that is going around lately has gotten me thinking-- maybe I need to change the way that I often think about and approach people who live differently than I do. I don't have to agree with everyone, and I don't have to condone sin. I am not saying that we should lie down and just act as though everything is alright. That is not true. That doesn't bring life and freedom. But what I am saying is that maybe we need to start seeing the person for the person that they are-- beloved by Our Father, and the sin for what it is-- detestable. But we need to stop seeing the person as the sin. Because that isn't how our Father sees it.

Jesus died for that sin. Jesus died for every filthy word and action and thought in my heart. And that brings true freedom.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." 
-John 10:10-11 

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
-Galatians 5:1

Photo credit: 60day.adventurechurch.org.

Journey to Wholeness

Its officially third quarter of SBS and I have to say that it has FLOWN by. It has been a journey filled with challenges, tears, laughter, and through it all-- growth. I've done a lot of reflecting lately (I actually do that a lot, but more, recently). And I've thought back to all that He's done in my life over the past seven months, and over the past nearly two years, since I originally entered YWAM, scared and holding onto a lot of things from my past that I didn't even realize were affecting me so negatively.

Today I understand who I am in Him so much more fully. I understand my worth in Him. I think if there are just a few things that He has taught me continually through SBS they would be:

*Identity and realizing that I need to NOT compare myself to others, because

I have giftings that are important and that are incredibly valuable

*That He is the ONLY one that can fill and that I need to go to Him first. I need to stop and 

talk to Him when things are awry. I need to consult Him before consulting others.

*I do not need people to fill me. I struggled a lot with this idea especially in DTS, 

but God has been hammering this truth into me and I am finally starting to grasp it.

Some days its easy to miss all the blessings that are starting me right in the face. Some days I get into a funk and I forget all the ways that God has blessed me and the truth of the fact that I couldn't have done any of this on my own. Sometimes I convince myself that I could-- but puh-lease. That is ridiculousness. He has done so much, and I love the way His hands work continually, faithfully, fully and always with love. Molding. Shaping. Building. Healing. 

I could literally go on for hours about all that He has done, but right now I will just say that its been mind-blowing. I couldn't have imagined it. Because He does unimaginable things. And I love it.

Messy.

In going with recent events, here I am talking about 'being messy' once again. God sure has been pounding it into my head.

Why are we so afraid of showing ourselves? Why are we afraid of messing up? I think a lot of it stems from unrealistic expectations that we place on ourselves, probably subconsciously, but they're there and the affect the way that we live.

I think culture says that we have to have it all together. Culture tells us that messy is bad. So we do whatever we can to make sure we're not messy. That would be a tragedy. Because that would mean that we don't have it all together, and that we're no longer fooling ourselves or anyone else.

Who are we kidding??! We don't have it all together. Its really nice to think that we do-- but we don't. At least, I don't. You're probably just like Jesus and have your ducks in a row. But I sure as heck do not. I like to think that I do, but that doesn't usually last long before I say something that I wish I could take back or before I judge my neighbor. That usually doesn't last long before I end up realizing that my attitude is really rotten or that my thinking is prideful and stubborn.

So where does that leave us? At some point we reaching that breaking point and say "God, I don't have it together. I've tried so hard and for so long, but I just don't have it together..." Then what? I think that is a good place to be. It is the place that we are honest with ourselves and others. Its the place where we realize that we need each other, and we desperately need Father God. Its the place where we reach out to the One that does have it together. And in Him there is fullness. In Him we find ourselves able to be us. To rest where we are, without obligation.

I think that is so much of the freedom of knowing Christ. We are free to be us. He doesn't expect me to be anyone else-- I am me and He loves that. I mess up. I spent a good portion of yesterday worrying about whether a comment I made in a discussion was alright or not. I most certainly was NOT resting. And that is when He reminded me of a couple of things-- one being that I can never make everyone happy. There is always going to be someone that is not happy. Someone who thinks I shouldn't have said anything. Someone who thinks I should have said something, and stood up for what I believe. There will always be someone on the opposite side of the fence. Someone that is well intentioned and that might even hold to the same core beliefs as me. But I just won't make everyone happy all the time. And I can't be afraid of that. I might as well get used to the fact that there will always be someone who doesn't agree with what I think, say or do. That is not who I am living for.

Secondly, He reminded me that He sees the heart. He knows where my heart is, and that is both terrifying and comforting all at once. He knows the ugly, dark, icky parts of my heart that aren't always obvious to everyone else. And He sees the intentions, and my deep desire to honor Him. I love that. Its not hidden from His view, and while it is terrifying, I think for me its more comforting than anything.

Thirdly, its through 'messiness' that we grow. Its through mistakes and failures that we learn. We also become humbled through them, because we realize our own need for a Savior and we learn that we're all on this journey together. We grow through tears of pain and healing. We grow through times of panic and through storms. Its not just through the mountaintop times that we grow-- often times its through the valleys, the lowest of lows. God reminds us that apart from Him we are nothing. And those are the times that we learn to rely on Him.

I will inevitably say something this week that I wish I could retract. I might snap out of frustration, and my own selfishness. I am not in any way condoning these things, but I am saying that God knows this already, and that its in the times of failure and the times of mistakes and the times when we're just not on our 'A' game that I think sometimes we grow the most. Because we're not relying on ourselves or our strength anymore. We're relying on Him. And relying on Him is the best place to be.

So, I am in this place of learning to be okay with messy. He is okay with messy, I am convinced. He's not afraid of it. He knows exactly how to handle it, and He is more than capable of fixing the mess. But its in the mess, when everything is seen and made obvious that then the pieces are picked back up and organized and cleaned and dusted off. They will inevitably get dusty again, and there will probably be another mess to pick up at some point, but that is alright, because He's not afraid of messy, and He's right there to see us through it all.

If you want an example of 'messy' from the Bible you could pretty much read any part of the Old Testament to see examples of Israel going astray, but one specific person that comes to mind is David (1 and 2 Samuel). He was called "A Man After God's Own Heart" by God himself, but man, was he messy! He had an affair, committed murder, let his children off on things that they should have been disciplined for, killed the messenger, was impulsive. He loved God, and God honored him deeply, but he was messy. Its an encouragement to remember that even this person that is always held up and so highly esteemed lived a messy life, and that didn't disqualify him-- in fact it made him human, relate-able, and God used him in awesome ways.

Not Afraid of Messy

Today that comparison monster came back and he was kicking.

Today that comparison monster told me that I wasn't as hip or as funny or as clever or cool as they were.

And when I came back to my room I sat, with my bowl of chocolate frosted mini wheats, and I put my feet up on the chair and I asked God what this was all about. And in a moment He crushed that comparison monster. In a moment He told me that the reason that I thought that I wasn't as 'cool' or as 'clever' as someone else was because I was afraid of being messy. In my head, they were never 'messy.'

They never had days that they were insecure.
They never had moments of panic.
They never had moments where they snapped at others.
In my head, they were, essentially perfect.

And God reminded me that that isn't true. We are in the same boat.
We are on this journey of Sanctification together. And it is a beautiful journey, but its often messy.
And messy is okay. Messy doesn't have to be scary. Sometimes messy is indicator that God is doing some of His greatest work.

But I was afraid of messy.

I was afraid of not having all my 'ducks in a row.'
I was afraid of showing that sometimes I just don't have it together. Often times.

And He reminded me that that is okay. Because He does have it together. And that is what matters.

So today I learned that its okay to be messy. God isn't afraid of messy. And in fact, I am convinced that He loves messy, because through that His power is shown and His strength is given.

Today I was reminded of 2 Corinthians 12:10. When I am weak, I am strong. Because He is strong. And that is enough.

I am not afraid of messy.

Montana Life

I am halfway done with Bible school. Its an interesting feeling. I feel in many ways like I just got here yesterday, and in many other ways, I feel like I've been here for an eternity. But in all ways I know that I am blessed to be here.

Its a funny place in a way. We are studying so much, so constantly, and sometimes its just a whirlwind, from one book to the next. I often feel like I'm on a roller coaster and its a little crazy sometimes, and yet its the best kind of roller coaster to be on. I've found myself changing so much as I've been here. I guess studying the word of God will do that to ya ;).

God has been stripping away things that cause me to not trust in Him. Things that I sometimes hold onto too tightly. Its never an easy process, but it is necessary. Over the last year or so God has really been speaking identity into me, and reminding me that my identity comes from Him alone. That has always been a tough concept for me to grasp, as I would hold so tightly to people to fill me. God has even been stripping some people away in order to show me that I need to hold onto Him tightly, and in that, I will have what I need. I am filled in Him alone. As I go through this journey I'm finding that I really am filled in Him and satisfied in His presence. This is not something that I have always been able to say.

Its hard to describe all that He's been doing-- I've had some new experiences and I've had to ask some tough questions along the way, and yet there is this peace that is undeniable-- a knowing that He is so present with me and He is guiding me through all the ups and downs of this crazy, awesome, challenging journey. I couldn't be more grateful that He is so faithful to remind me that He goes before me and walks with me as I discover more of who He is.

One of the most beautiful things that He has been doing has been occurring just within the last week or so. There have been some uncertainties about the future and some different questions that I've had, and I am just experiencing such a peace as I seek God out on these things. Its an uncanny peace and its one that doesn't make sense. I mean, these aren't cake walk things-they're weighty, and yet there is a peace that is a foundation for everything that I am processing through.

I love how He works. We just got done studying Deuteronomy, which is all about God's faithfulness to His people as they wandered for forty years in the wilderness. They never went without-- they had food and water in the desert. Their clothes and sandals didn't wear out. And throughout the whole thing God was just continually reminding me that He is the same God today-- the God that cares for His children and that knows our needs. Even the smallest details and the whispered prayers. He provides. I love that about Him.

I guess this last five months hasn't been what I expected, but its been so much better. It always blows my mind how much greater His plans are than my own. I also didn't expect to be here, doing this school, ever. But that is another story. He works in mighty ways and His hand is guiding me. Grateful for His constant presence and His faithfulness. I am incredibly blessed.

CS Lewis

Abide

This week we studied John. It is a phenomenal book, and it was so eye-opening. It was also a challenging week. I had more on my plate than usual, I felt close to tears several times and I was sleep deprived. Even so, God spoke some really great things to me. I feel as though I have so much rattling around in my head that it is hard to put it all into words, so this is my best attempt.

John talks a lot about 'abiding.' John 15 specifically points to that:

"I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit...Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commandments and abide in his love." (15:5,9-10)

Over the past several months God has been highlighting to me what it means to 'abide' in Him. Dictionary definitions say 'abide' is to-- stay, stand, dwell or reside. Hmm. Nifty. Yeah, abiding is a dwelling in God, and He in us. And when God dwells within His children, things change, those people's lives change, and His spirit guides our lives. 

Perhaps to 'abide' in God's love means to be so constantly aware of it, that we understand what He says about us, and walk in confidence because of that. Perhaps it aids us in loving others-- I think that abiding in God's love will mean also loving others. Because if we're abiding in His love, and therefore, obeying Him, we will do as He says. 

The word 'abide' has the connotation that its a staying and a steadiness. It means a constant indwelling. That idea is incredible. To live lives abiding in God's love-- what more could we ask for?! And the fact that God would even care and love us enough for us to abide in that love is mind blowing. 

It means that in the hard times, we can rest assured that His love hasn't left us. In the smooth times, we need Him just as much. In the rough times, He is faithful, and that will not change. As we abide in Him we learn His character and truth. As we abide in Him, He teaches and molds us. As we stay and dwell in His presence, He fills us. 

I love that about Him. How good He is to His children.

The Best of 2012

Cliche-- this post is going to be COMPLETELY and in every way, cliche. So if that bothers you, you may as well turn back now. But mostly I am writing to compile a list of things that impacted me, made me laugh, brought (I almost wrote 'brang') me joy, and that were just cool from 2012. The inspiration came from  http://www.todaysletters.com/, a great blog that I follow-- if you feel like reading the whole list, feel free, if not, I won't be offended... so, here goes--

Best Moments:
-Ministering in Malaysia to homeless and people who are so often overlooked by society
-Being reunited with my sister after 13 months of being separated
-Meeting some of the most genuine people on the planet
-Being loved for who I am and who I am not
-Attending THREE weddings within five months (They were all beautiful!)
-Moving back to Montana to study the Bible 50+ hours a week
-Learning to be completely genuine and honest, even when its hard
-Passion growing
-Henna
-Learning to crochet and make my first headband and hat!
-Drawing again
-Drinking egg nog (Like seriously... egg nog is awesomme ;)

Best Movies:
-Blue Like Jazz (LOVED!!)
-Les Miserables
     (Now I can't think of a single movie I saw this year... what the heck, brain?!)
-The Odd Life of Timothy Green
-The Vow (So good!)
-We Bought a Zoo

Best Books:
-The Ragamuffin Gospel
-Forgotten God (By Francis Chan)
-Choosing to See (Mary Beth Chapman)

**Yes, I read a lot of biographies and Christian literature, its just what I like... :)

Best things I learned:
-Learning how to hear God's voice
-I am loved and worthy because I am Christ's and apart from what anyone says or thinks
-God WANTS to use me!!
-I still hate coffee, tea, however, is fabulous, especially the tangy and fruity kinds!
-People actually really do like me
-Sunburns (Really bad ones) turned tans last a LOOOONNGG time (Like over a year...)
-Reunions are the best
-Sunscreen should be used when out in the sun for long hours of the day (Yep... seems like a no brainer, but apparently that is hard to learn for me...)
-The Bible is awesome and reading it in context makes such a difference
-God is so faithful to work and to love and to show himself
-Time alone is precious and awesome
-Time with people is also precious and awesome... its all about balance :)
-Sunshine and snow are BOTH beautiful
-I still don't like rain that much. But I refuse to use an umbrella
-Ugly sweaters are fun to wear
-Sometimes God calls us to do things we never thought we'd do.... like go back to Montana for SBS :)
-People almost always respond with more grace than I foresee them responding with
-Jesus loves diversity
-My bed needs to be made in order for me to feel fully ready for my day and 'put together' ;)
-Doll houses are still fun
-Watching people grow and change is such a joy
-People don't think about me as much as I think about myself, so its a huge waste of time to wonder what they're thinking. It doesn't really matter anyway-- I serve an audience of One.
-Bible jokes and puns are ridiculous, and yet they make me laugh uncontrollably everytime
-There is beauty all around and LIFE is beautiful.

A few pictures from this year that were significant--
Also, if you've made it this far in the blog, I congratulate you. Go have a brownie.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!