Comfort.

This week has been rough.

Two exams today.

A psychology class that forces me to think about hard things. Broken things inside of me.

The rain started this week.

Missing friends.

Playing the comparison game.

Emotions flying high.

Its just been one of those weeks. And I wasn't thrilled with how I handled some situations today. And I am afraid that people aren't going to like me. That they're going to think I'm boring/dull/not understanding/irritable/not cool. And the truth is I really want people to like me. 

There. I said it. I do. I really do. I want people to like me. And I am scared of messing up and disappointing people. I am scared of doing things the wrong way. I am scared to step out of my comfort zone and walk in boldness. And I hate it.

I hate that my norm is just to stay and do what I've always done, because its safe. I hate that when I'm feeling that tug to step out and do something that might take a little more vulnerability than I am comfortable with, that I freeze. I don't know what to do, and I try to ignore it.

Because heaven forbid I am ever not comfortable. 

Except, that isn't what the gospel teaches at all. The gospel teaches that we will face uncomfortable situations. Its guaranteed. You sign up for it when you give your life to the Lord. But I like safe. I like to do what I know works. I like people to not think I'm weird.

And all of this has led me to realize that maybe I don't fully understand the gospel. Or maybe I've been living out of a gospel that is only partially 'the gospel' and partially worship of my own comfort. Why do I love my own comfort so much? Because its familiar. Its safe. Its what I know. And my ego is protected when I am comfortable. I don't have to look my own sinful nature in the face and change when I am comfortable.

That is a nice idea, but it isn't the gospel.

I was walking back to my dorm from class earlier this week, and I was talking to God. I told Him I wasn't sure that I could do it-- this whole studying Psychology thing. I told Him that it broke my heart to see people in situations where there was addiction and death and a sense of hopelessness. And He told me 'Hannah, that is exactly why you need to study Psychology.'

And in that moment I realized that this journey of learning about humans and the way that they're created and how we think and act and do things is going to be hard. Because we are sinful creatures. We don't do things that we ought to do. And we do things that we ought not to do. And we are broken. We are selfish. But perhaps, when we understand each other, we can love better. Because we're approaching our brothers and sisters from a place of empathy, not of ignorance.

It won't be comfortable, that much has already been made clear. But I know its what I am supposed to be studying. And its what I love-- even though its hard. Gut-wrenching. Heart breaking at times. I love it because there is hope. There is restoration. There is truth and transformation that takes place.

I am learning about discomfort. And I am learning how to have courage. I think I'll be learning these things for a long time.

I am also learning that things worth doing are seldom easy. But they're worth it. They always are.

So I sit here, realizing my own brokenness and inability. And I admit that I fail often. Daily. Hourly. But I serve the One who never fails. Even though life is not comfortable I know that He walks with me. People might not like me. People might discourage me. But the question arises in those cases-- Where is my identity and hope found? Is it in people or in God? I know the 'right' answer, but what does my life show?

My prayer is that we become men and women of courage and that we would pursue His kingdom over our comfort. Regardless of what others say. I want to please God, not man.