God Does.

Life is funny. Sometimes curve balls are thrown at us, and we aren't expecting them.

This is one of those times for me. It seems like everything decided to come and attack me at once and I'm still trying to figure out what is going on. A week ago I was in Montana, graduating from Bible School with YWAM. Today I am home, and dealing with a serious illness in the family that was never expected. My best friend got engaged a few weeks ago, and I am in the wedding. University starts at the end of August, and there is still a lot of paperwork to fill out. Not to mention the need to process the last nine months, visit people, being chauffeur, caring for sickness and r-e-s-t-i-n-g. Its going to be a whirlwind of a summer.

Enough about that, though. I don't write to recount all of my 'hardships.' I write to say that sometimes life does not go as our perfect, storybook idea goes. Often times. There are bumps and valleys that we never foresaw. There are mountains and rivers that we can't climb and wade through on our own. I think when we're in seasons like that, its often when we come to an end of ourselves and realize that we actually, really can't do this thing called 'life' on our own. We can't rely on our own strength to get us through-- we can't just 'pull up our boot straps' and 'man' or 'woman up.' We cannot do it on our own. This is both a humbling and a scary though. Its humbling because we realize that we are so small, in this great big world. It is scary because that means we have to trust someone else, and what if they let us down?

Yes, that is a scary thought. But when we know the One that holds our very lives in His hands, we know that we are in the safest place possible. That doesn't mean that the storms don't come, but that through the storms, we never, ever walk alone. His strength is sufficient, and more than enough for all that we need and everything that we walk through. We sure can't do it on our own, that is sure, but He can do it. And He actually doesn't need our help, but He does love to use us.

Through this funky season, I have also been feeling like there is a little pebble in my shoe that my foot rubs against every time I take a step. I have been feeling like I don't understand God and that frustrates me. I know, I know. I will never understand God, because if I did, He sure wouldn't be worth my worship. But do I try to understand! I've been walking through this for a bit now, and God keeps reminding me that its a good thing that I don't understand Him. But part of me wants to understand Him so badly. I want everything and everyone to be in a nice, tidy little box that I create, and I want to tie it up with a ribbon and seal it, and label it.

Because that is safe.  

And humans like safe.

Sure, there may be the 'adventure loving' folk, but I think that somewhere, deep down, we really like to feel safe. We like things to be predictable, because unpredictable means that we might not be in control, and if we're not in control, then who KNOWS what might happen? The world just might fall apart. After all, the world needs us to be in control, right? Right?!

I beg to differ. And yet, so often that is how my thinking goes.

No. I am not in control. I find that is hard to admit and hard to live out. But its the truth. I have never been in control. I do not get to decide if I get a next breath or not. I cannot cure the illness in my family. I don't get to control how people respond to me. There is very little that I am actually in control of.

Now that that is settled, there is action that needs to take place. I am not in control. So who is? And how do I become okay with that? Well, yes, its the Sunday School answer--- Jesus is in control. He always has been. God is intimately in control of every detail of our lives and He is not blind or ignorant to what we need. And I become 'okay' with that by realizing His character. I realize that His character is good. I realize that His character is love. He is for us, not against us.

So in those moments, when it seems like the world is spinning out of control, and when life doesn't go as we expect, and when things just don't make a whole lot of sense, we have One to whom none of it was a mystery. We have One that lives outside of space and time and that knows and understands what is going on, even when our feeble minds do not. And that is a comfort to me. Things aren't just 'happenstance.'

I don't understand. 
God does. 

Perhaps admitting that simple, but profound truth is where pride is slashed and humility starts to grow in its place. Perhaps that is where we can stop trying to fix the world and the people in the world, and simply let God be God and let Him use us as He sees fit.

Yes, I am convinced that when we can say, and truly believe that phrase, that is a little bit of us learning to walk in humility.

And that is a beautiful thing.