Its one of those days where I just feel a little off.
There isn't anything wrong. There is not anything pressing and I don't have anything extra on my mind. I would just rather not talk. Sometimes life goes like that. And that is alright.
I used to feel like I always had to have a smile on my face and I always had to say that everything was fabulous when in fact, things were really crappy. I felt like that is what people expected of me, so that is what I did.
I had a conversation with a friend at the beginning of Bible school-- about a year and a half ago, about this. I told her that it was exhausting always having to be chipper. Always smiling and responding with "Great!" when anyone asked me how I was doing. She told me that it wasn't my responsibility to make people feel better by acting like things were alright when they weren't. And is that ever the truth.
God has been teaching me about feelings over the past several months. I skyped with a friend from Bible school last night, she is one of my best friends, and eventually the conversation got around to how we both feel as though we're in a place in our faith where sometimes we don't feel excited to worship. To do as God asks us to do. To serve Him. We don't always feel the butterflies and unicorns that we did when we were in Bible school. Its an odd place to be.
I think often times we start to wonder what is wrong when those feelings cease to exist. What I am learning, though, is that perhaps there isn't anything wrong. Maybe its just the fact that we are human and our emotions and feelings change day by day and often hour by hour or minute by minute.
We do not need to feel like obeying in order to obey.
We do not need to feel like serving God in order to serve Him.
I think one of the marks of maturity is when we choose to serve, to worship, to love even when we don't feel like it. Maybe that is when our character is formed and where we become firm, steady and deeply rooted.
In my life its never been during the times when things were peachy that I grew the most spiritually, mentally or emotionally. It has always been the times when things were a little off. When life didn't always make sense. When I had to make a choice to despair or to trust.
Its uncomfortable to walk through long seasons when we have to dig in deeper because our time with God doesn't involve life-changing revelations and breaking down while reading His word on a regular basis. But God doesn't base the quality of our relationship with Him on those things.
He sees our hearts and cares a whole heck of a lot about molding and shaping us, growing us and sanctifying us, whether that involves tears or not.
Tears or not, He is working. His work does not stop because of how I am feeling. And His character is constant through my ever changing emotions. I do not expect to always be happy. That is not my goal in life-- my goal is to serve Him through the breezy and beautiful as well as through the broken and bitter.
That isn't to say that our emotions don't matter, or that God does not care about how we are feeling-- quite the contrary. God cares more than we will ever be able to conceive. I feel deeply, and I know that God created me that way, and cares about my emotions. However, our feelings are not the most important aspect of our lives or faith. Our emotions have a place, but they need not dictate our lives.
Our faith is not stronger when we are happy and weaker when we're sad. We're not 'spiritual giants' when we are thrilled to worship and serve God and 'spiritual dwarfs' when it takes a whole lot of strength just to crack open His word.
Our lives are a song to the One that we serve. Our lives are more about melodies than mood rings.
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