Comfort.

This week has been rough.

Two exams today.

A psychology class that forces me to think about hard things. Broken things inside of me.

The rain started this week.

Missing friends.

Playing the comparison game.

Emotions flying high.

Its just been one of those weeks. And I wasn't thrilled with how I handled some situations today. And I am afraid that people aren't going to like me. That they're going to think I'm boring/dull/not understanding/irritable/not cool. And the truth is I really want people to like me. 

There. I said it. I do. I really do. I want people to like me. And I am scared of messing up and disappointing people. I am scared of doing things the wrong way. I am scared to step out of my comfort zone and walk in boldness. And I hate it.

I hate that my norm is just to stay and do what I've always done, because its safe. I hate that when I'm feeling that tug to step out and do something that might take a little more vulnerability than I am comfortable with, that I freeze. I don't know what to do, and I try to ignore it.

Because heaven forbid I am ever not comfortable. 

Except, that isn't what the gospel teaches at all. The gospel teaches that we will face uncomfortable situations. Its guaranteed. You sign up for it when you give your life to the Lord. But I like safe. I like to do what I know works. I like people to not think I'm weird.

And all of this has led me to realize that maybe I don't fully understand the gospel. Or maybe I've been living out of a gospel that is only partially 'the gospel' and partially worship of my own comfort. Why do I love my own comfort so much? Because its familiar. Its safe. Its what I know. And my ego is protected when I am comfortable. I don't have to look my own sinful nature in the face and change when I am comfortable.

That is a nice idea, but it isn't the gospel.

I was walking back to my dorm from class earlier this week, and I was talking to God. I told Him I wasn't sure that I could do it-- this whole studying Psychology thing. I told Him that it broke my heart to see people in situations where there was addiction and death and a sense of hopelessness. And He told me 'Hannah, that is exactly why you need to study Psychology.'

And in that moment I realized that this journey of learning about humans and the way that they're created and how we think and act and do things is going to be hard. Because we are sinful creatures. We don't do things that we ought to do. And we do things that we ought not to do. And we are broken. We are selfish. But perhaps, when we understand each other, we can love better. Because we're approaching our brothers and sisters from a place of empathy, not of ignorance.

It won't be comfortable, that much has already been made clear. But I know its what I am supposed to be studying. And its what I love-- even though its hard. Gut-wrenching. Heart breaking at times. I love it because there is hope. There is restoration. There is truth and transformation that takes place.

I am learning about discomfort. And I am learning how to have courage. I think I'll be learning these things for a long time.

I am also learning that things worth doing are seldom easy. But they're worth it. They always are.

So I sit here, realizing my own brokenness and inability. And I admit that I fail often. Daily. Hourly. But I serve the One who never fails. Even though life is not comfortable I know that He walks with me. People might not like me. People might discourage me. But the question arises in those cases-- Where is my identity and hope found? Is it in people or in God? I know the 'right' answer, but what does my life show?

My prayer is that we become men and women of courage and that we would pursue His kingdom over our comfort. Regardless of what others say. I want to please God, not man.

Community.

Community.

Its a word that is often thrown around, but perhaps, not often understood. Its a nice catch phrase. Its a nice thing we like to talk about every now and again. But I think that its importance and significance in our lives is much larger than we sometimes realize.

I am speaking to myself here. I notice a massive difference in my countenance and even my self-esteem when I am a part of community versus when I am kind of doing life on my own. We were created for community, so it makes sense. We were never meant to do this life on our own-- we're together creatures. We're social creatures. Even introverts-- we're all meant to be a part of the larger world around us, and that is a really beautiful thing.

I think of the account in the book of Genesis, when God made Adam. He said that Adam was good, but we see-- "The Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him'" (Genesis 2:18). And then He made Eve, from one of Adam's ribs. This is such a beautiful picture of the unity and togetherness that our Father values, and that we should value as well.

There are countless references to the body of Christ in the New Testament. I am convinced that we were never meant to do life alone. When I am alone too long I usually create a problem in my head that was never there. And I become more anxious. And I become more irritable. We need each other-- to encourage, pray, speak truth, laugh, cry, talk with. We just need community. And I don't mean someone that you can make small talk with. I mean true, raw, real, open community-- people that you can be genuinely yourself around. That is the kind of community that our hearts desire.

Today I had some community time, and it did my heart really well. I had some deep and genuine conversations. I laughed and reminisced. And my heart was at peace, knowing that God had placed those special people in my life at this moment-- this time of transition and vulnerability and at a time when I feel particularly fragile. I sensed God there and I rested.

All of this is meant to say-- find community. Go to church. Find friends who share similar interests. Go to community group. Find a community of people that will encourage you and lift you up and draw you closer to Him. We were meant for community. Lets live together, and love others together, and share His love together.

Happiness or Joy?

Happiness.

It seems to be the buzz word these days. Log onto pinterest for 5 minutes and there are cutesy little inspirational quotes that will say things like this:

 

Or I hear well meaning Christians say things like-- "Christians should be the happiest people in the world." 

While I understand that people sometimes need a little 'pick me up' and that happiness is a good thing, I do not think that it is the most important thing. In fact, I think that often times we will not be happy, and that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with us. It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with our circumstances. It just means that we don't live in a perfect world, and I get concerned when I start seeing happiness being advertised as the 'be all-end all' of our lives. Its not. 

Sometimes we are going to have to do things that don't 'make us happy' but are right. Sometimes God asks us to do things that we're not thrilled about, and what concerns me is this-- if we're focusing so much on being happy that it becomes the goal of our lives, then we're going to come up disappointed when our best efforts at being happy 24/7 fail. I don't see anywhere in the Bible where Jesus or the prophets or Paul or any of the apostles teach that happiness is the 'right way.' Sure, we need to be grateful and live lives of thankfulness and gratitude. But hard things happen. People betray us. Lives are lost. Jobs are lost. Circumstances don't pan out the way we think they should. Its life. And If we make happiness the goal, I am afraid that we are going to spend a lot of days wondering what is wrong with us when we actually don't feel happy. 

Let me just tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. Its alright to be sad sometimes. Its all right to feel a full spectrum of emotion on many things. Jesus was not always happy. And His prayer in the garden, before His being brought before Pilate was not coming from a place of happiness. He was begging His Father to 'take this cup' from Him, if there was another way that God's plan could happen (Matthew 26:36-46). Jesus was not happy in that moment. And that is understandable. He was facing excruciating pain and hardships-- more than many of us will ever know. And I don't think Jesus' goal was to be happy, either. It was to please God. And He did please God by walking out in obedience.

I also think that this idea of 'do what makes you happy' is dangerous because sometimes what makes us happy is not good for us. Sometimes its harmful for us. Maybe doing drugs makes someone 'happy' but it is not good for the person doing it, or for those around them. It is bad, physically and mentally and will have far reaching consequences, often times. Sometimes speeding makes people happy, but it can result in huge fines, injury or death.

Lastly, happiness is a feeling. It is different than joy. As Christians, we talk about 'joy' often and I think sometimes happiness and joy are kind of thrown into the same category. But they are not the same. In fact, I would argue that they are vastly different. Happiness results from circumstances and it is a feeling that comes and goes. Joy can be constant. It is a deep conviction and belief that no matter what comes in this life, God remains the same and heaven is my home. Kay Warren says it much better than I can: "Joy is the settled assurance that God is in control of all the details of my life, the quiet confidence that ultimately everything is going to be alright, and the determined choice to praise God in every situation." If someone buys me a smoothie, that makes me happy. If someone cuts me off in traffic, that makes me frustrated. If someone shouts at me, that makes me sad. These are all normal emotions to feel regularly. And we should not feel guilty when we are not happy. It is ok. Joy, however, remains despite circumstances.

Again, happiness is a good thing. I am not bashing happiness and saying that everyone should be walking around like glum Eyeore's. But I am saying that there are dangers when we focus on our happiness above all else. There are dangers when that becomes the goal of our lives-- to be happy. I think we need to enjoy the happy times, and also realize that sad times will come, and that is not a defect in our lives, it is a fact of life because we live in an imperfect world. Worshiping happiness is a problem, and it seems like its been on the rise lately. Please, if painting makes you happy then paint. If riding horses makes you happy, then by all means, ride horses. But don't use the excuse of wanting to be happy to justify poor decisions. That is where it becomes a slippery slope.

I read something the other day that said 'I would rather be honest than impressive.' And I think there is so much truth in that. Sometimes my honesty is not always butterflies and rainbows. Sometimes healing and life includes sadness and pain and hardships. That is life and if we're only ever seeking to be happy, I am afraid that we'll come up empty every time. We are not guaranteed happiness. But we are told that we can 'rejoice' in hardships and we can have continual joy because we know whose we are and who we are and because we know that this imperfect world is not the end. We can have joy in knowing that the life to come far outweighs this one and that that is what we're living for.This is our temporary home.

So where is your focus? Is it on being 'happy' all the time? Or is it on finding that deeper joy that comes from God alone? 

Joy from above is where its at. Focus on joy, not on happiness.

Reflections From Puzzles and Pieces.

God taught me something profound, and yet simple while I was doing a puzzle today.

I admit, I am a complete nerd in many senses of the word. I love puzzles, and actually, God usually speaks to me through interesting means, and today was no different. I was putting together a mosaic, Jack Sparrow puzzle. Classy, I know.

I don't know if y'all have spent much time doing puzzles, but they can be time consuming. And often times you'll put a piece where you think it goes, and maybe it even kind of fits in there and looks like it belongs, but with a closer look you can tell that it actually doesn't fit at all. Sometimes you have to try multiple spaces before you find where your particular piece fits. And sometimes it can be frustrating.

When we were young and my sister and I would do puzzles, she used to just force pieces together, because she hated puzzles and she just liked to try to make it work in her own way. And sometimes I did that too. And sometimes I am sure that a piece goes somewhere, but it simply doesn't fit.

And that is where God met me, and spoke to my heart. He showed me that sometimes I do that with my life. Or the lives of others. Sometimes I take an event, or idea or circumstance and try to make it fit into life where its just not meant to go. It won't fit, no matter how hard I try. Because a different 'piece' goes there.

This is all very timely for me as there has been a lot of transition in my life recently and I keep telling God that I am ready to have some normalcy. I am learning to wait and let Him orchestrate seasons and changes.

It is not God overlooking my life, it is simply Him realizing where each and every situation, circumstance and life event 'fits.' I'm not getting into the whole debate on how much of our lives is predestined by God, and how much choice He gives us, because its not really important in this case. But what I am saying is that God knows.

He knew that I needed to go to community college and then take two years off and do missions work and go to Bible school and work. It didn't make sense in the moment, and yet now I realize the perfect timing of it all.

And sometimes its like I am doing a puzzle. I try to yank the pieces out of His hands and I tell Him "This is where it goes!" Shoving it somewhere that it doesn't belong. And He is quick to remind me, when those times come that 'No, my dear, that isn't where it goes. I will put it where it goes.' And I have to learn to surrender once again. Its a lifelong lesson, I'm quite sure. One that I'll never be done learning.

And sometimes the pieces that fit together don't make sense with the rest of the picture until that point. And that is okay. It doesn't have to make sense. I trust that when the whole 'puzzle of my life' as I sometimes refer to it, is finished, that it will be beautiful. That doesn't mean that I walk around naively thinking that its not going to involve hardship. It will and it does. But knowing that I am held in His arms is beautiful.

And then there are those pieces that don't seem to fit anywhere. I had one of those today, and I realized that the puzzle piece was upside down. I wonder if that doesn't sometimes happen with life as well? Something happens, and we don't see the use of it, or how it comes into play with anything else in our lives. Or we wait and wait for it to make sense, and it doesn't.

Sometimes life goes like that. And its all part of learning to surrender. Learning to let the Master Builder do what He does-- Build. Put things together. Create. And we get to watch what He creates. I'd say that's a pretty huge privilege.

I don't have pat answers for the things in life that don't make sense. And it wouldn't do anything for anyone to try to force some pat answer. But I do know that there is a peace that comes when I stop trying to make everything fit in my time frame and I simply let Him show me where the pieces fit. 

God Does.

Life is funny. Sometimes curve balls are thrown at us, and we aren't expecting them.

This is one of those times for me. It seems like everything decided to come and attack me at once and I'm still trying to figure out what is going on. A week ago I was in Montana, graduating from Bible School with YWAM. Today I am home, and dealing with a serious illness in the family that was never expected. My best friend got engaged a few weeks ago, and I am in the wedding. University starts at the end of August, and there is still a lot of paperwork to fill out. Not to mention the need to process the last nine months, visit people, being chauffeur, caring for sickness and r-e-s-t-i-n-g. Its going to be a whirlwind of a summer.

Enough about that, though. I don't write to recount all of my 'hardships.' I write to say that sometimes life does not go as our perfect, storybook idea goes. Often times. There are bumps and valleys that we never foresaw. There are mountains and rivers that we can't climb and wade through on our own. I think when we're in seasons like that, its often when we come to an end of ourselves and realize that we actually, really can't do this thing called 'life' on our own. We can't rely on our own strength to get us through-- we can't just 'pull up our boot straps' and 'man' or 'woman up.' We cannot do it on our own. This is both a humbling and a scary though. Its humbling because we realize that we are so small, in this great big world. It is scary because that means we have to trust someone else, and what if they let us down?

Yes, that is a scary thought. But when we know the One that holds our very lives in His hands, we know that we are in the safest place possible. That doesn't mean that the storms don't come, but that through the storms, we never, ever walk alone. His strength is sufficient, and more than enough for all that we need and everything that we walk through. We sure can't do it on our own, that is sure, but He can do it. And He actually doesn't need our help, but He does love to use us.

Through this funky season, I have also been feeling like there is a little pebble in my shoe that my foot rubs against every time I take a step. I have been feeling like I don't understand God and that frustrates me. I know, I know. I will never understand God, because if I did, He sure wouldn't be worth my worship. But do I try to understand! I've been walking through this for a bit now, and God keeps reminding me that its a good thing that I don't understand Him. But part of me wants to understand Him so badly. I want everything and everyone to be in a nice, tidy little box that I create, and I want to tie it up with a ribbon and seal it, and label it.

Because that is safe.  

And humans like safe.

Sure, there may be the 'adventure loving' folk, but I think that somewhere, deep down, we really like to feel safe. We like things to be predictable, because unpredictable means that we might not be in control, and if we're not in control, then who KNOWS what might happen? The world just might fall apart. After all, the world needs us to be in control, right? Right?!

I beg to differ. And yet, so often that is how my thinking goes.

No. I am not in control. I find that is hard to admit and hard to live out. But its the truth. I have never been in control. I do not get to decide if I get a next breath or not. I cannot cure the illness in my family. I don't get to control how people respond to me. There is very little that I am actually in control of.

Now that that is settled, there is action that needs to take place. I am not in control. So who is? And how do I become okay with that? Well, yes, its the Sunday School answer--- Jesus is in control. He always has been. God is intimately in control of every detail of our lives and He is not blind or ignorant to what we need. And I become 'okay' with that by realizing His character. I realize that His character is good. I realize that His character is love. He is for us, not against us.

So in those moments, when it seems like the world is spinning out of control, and when life doesn't go as we expect, and when things just don't make a whole lot of sense, we have One to whom none of it was a mystery. We have One that lives outside of space and time and that knows and understands what is going on, even when our feeble minds do not. And that is a comfort to me. Things aren't just 'happenstance.'

I don't understand. 
God does. 

Perhaps admitting that simple, but profound truth is where pride is slashed and humility starts to grow in its place. Perhaps that is where we can stop trying to fix the world and the people in the world, and simply let God be God and let Him use us as He sees fit.

Yes, I am convinced that when we can say, and truly believe that phrase, that is a little bit of us learning to walk in humility.

And that is a beautiful thing.

How Shall We Then Live?

I find that as Christians we are constantly trying to live the way that we think God wants us to live. And rightfully so... we're called to follow Jesus and to love others and live for the Lord. But in all of this I wonder if we don't sometimes put more restrictions on people than Our Father does. We are called to be 'set apart' and 'different' than the world. We aren't supposed to just blend in with everyone else, after all, they'll know we are Christians by our love for one another (John 13:35).

In studying through the Torah, especially Leviticus the rules and regulations for God's people and how they were supposed to live are made clear. The book is full of God telling the people of Israel how they were and were not supposed to worship Him. It seems stifling at first, but after learning about the heart behind it, I find that it is actually freeing. The people of Israel had just come out of Egypt-- a land where idolatry was rampant and the fear of God was scarce to nonexistent. They were also headed to a land (Canaan) where their worship practices were horrendous and disgusting. It was more about pleasing self than anything else. It was NOT in any way about pleasing the Lord. God wanted His people to stand strong as they would be essentially entering battle when they went into the promised land. They would have awful practices that were condoned all around them. God didn't allow them to live that way, not because He was a kill-joy, but because He wanted them to experience what it was for them to worship in spirit and in truth. He wanted them to be free in Him and to experience intimacy in their relationship with Him. They couldn't do that by partaking in the detestable worship practices that the Egyptians or the Canaanites partook in. Because they weren't loving and they weren't life giving.

All this is meant to say that God does have standards-- we can't do whatever we want to worship Him. He does call us to live a certain, different kind of life, but I would argue that that life is not one that is full of chains or things that are holding us back. I would argue that that life is actually the one that brings freedom and the one that brings life in a spiritual sense. I sometimes wonder if we haven't put too much emphasis on certain things-- be it 'sins,' lifestyles or ideas that we forget the heart of what it means to follow the Lord.

I realize that sometimes we follow what has been taught, blindly, without really testing it out ourselves. That brings me to the point of what this post is actually about...  

Do we as Christians see people the way that God sees them?
What I mean is this-- there is sin. God is clear about sin in His word. Sin is not ok, and it is directly against God's best for our lives. However, I think the way that we respond to sin is imperative. Do we love people through their sin? Do we remind them of God's love for them? Do we beat them down and tell them to get their act together? One of our instructors for the book of Isaiah mentioned in class the other day that God's enemy is not people, God's enemy is wickedness. I think that is spot on. But do we handle it that way? I fear that sometimes we act as though the person is God's enemy. I fear that sometimes we forget that it is the sin that God is against-- not the person.

When Jesus came he never condoned sin, but he always loved the person behind the sin so gently and beautifully. One of my favorite examples of this was the woman that was caught in the act of adultery in John 7:53-8:11. Basically, a woman was brought to Jesus who was caught in the act of adultery, and the Pharisees wanted to stone her. But Jesus told them that those who were without sin could be the first to throw stones. I imagine that they probably sat silently, insecurely looking at their feet. They were guilty too. Jesus then asks the woman "Has no one condemned you?" and she answers, "No one." Then Jesus says one of the most beautiful things, that is actually the heart of what He came for. He says "Neither do I condemn you, go from now on and sin no more."

I am always blown away by that account. Jesus didn't tell the woman that she was worthless or awful-- be he also didn't say that what she did was 'okay.' Instead he loved her, he saw her for who she was and he told her to sin no more. He acknowledged the sin, but He didn't allow that to skew His view of that woman. He understood her value apart from what she did. She was not his enemy. And yet most others had cast her off and looked down their noses at her because of what she had done. They couldn't separate her from her sin. To them, she was her sin. And that was all she was. What pride.

I don't know about you, but all of this buzz that is going around lately has gotten me thinking-- maybe I need to change the way that I often think about and approach people who live differently than I do. I don't have to agree with everyone, and I don't have to condone sin. I am not saying that we should lie down and just act as though everything is alright. That is not true. That doesn't bring life and freedom. But what I am saying is that maybe we need to start seeing the person for the person that they are-- beloved by Our Father, and the sin for what it is-- detestable. But we need to stop seeing the person as the sin. Because that isn't how our Father sees it.

Jesus died for that sin. Jesus died for every filthy word and action and thought in my heart. And that brings true freedom.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." 
-John 10:10-11 

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.
-Galatians 5:1

Photo credit: 60day.adventurechurch.org.

Journey to Wholeness

Its officially third quarter of SBS and I have to say that it has FLOWN by. It has been a journey filled with challenges, tears, laughter, and through it all-- growth. I've done a lot of reflecting lately (I actually do that a lot, but more, recently). And I've thought back to all that He's done in my life over the past seven months, and over the past nearly two years, since I originally entered YWAM, scared and holding onto a lot of things from my past that I didn't even realize were affecting me so negatively.

Today I understand who I am in Him so much more fully. I understand my worth in Him. I think if there are just a few things that He has taught me continually through SBS they would be:

*Identity and realizing that I need to NOT compare myself to others, because

I have giftings that are important and that are incredibly valuable

*That He is the ONLY one that can fill and that I need to go to Him first. I need to stop and 

talk to Him when things are awry. I need to consult Him before consulting others.

*I do not need people to fill me. I struggled a lot with this idea especially in DTS, 

but God has been hammering this truth into me and I am finally starting to grasp it.

Some days its easy to miss all the blessings that are starting me right in the face. Some days I get into a funk and I forget all the ways that God has blessed me and the truth of the fact that I couldn't have done any of this on my own. Sometimes I convince myself that I could-- but puh-lease. That is ridiculousness. He has done so much, and I love the way His hands work continually, faithfully, fully and always with love. Molding. Shaping. Building. Healing. 

I could literally go on for hours about all that He has done, but right now I will just say that its been mind-blowing. I couldn't have imagined it. Because He does unimaginable things. And I love it.